The Release Process for Federal Inmates Begins

You wouldn't believe it since my husbands official release date is 18 months away, but he has already started the release process.  There is so much involved that it is a bit overwhelming.  He has had his official paperwork submitted and is now at the beginning of the waiting period that is our federal justice system.

He has submitted the address of the residence where he would like to be released to.  It is a home owned by a family member since we are not sure it would be a great idea for him to return to this small community.  I am told that an officer will contact that family member so that the house can be approved for him to move into upon his official release.  That house is located in a different Federal District so he will have to get all his paperwork transferred to the new district as well.

He is in the final few months of his program which is suppose to ensure that he gets as much half-way house time as possible.  What that means is that he can be released from the prison facility and sent to be supervised in a half-way house closer to his intended release location prior to his official release date.  That gets him closer to home, but he is still under strict supervision yet he is allowed a bit more freedoms as he earns them.  He will be allowed to hold a real job while he is there, day passes to spend with us and eventually weekend passes.  He could eventually even be released from living in the half-way house early if he has a job and a place to live however, he will not be released early of there is no one else living with him in the house, so he will have to serve out the remainder of his time at the half-way house.  Oh, and the half-way house gets a large percentage of any money he makes while under their supervision. 

Everything that we learn comes with even more questions and no one is around to answer any of them.  We all get our information from each other, other inmates, and anyone else we know further down this path than ourselves.   We get bits and pieces here and there and sometimes it is mis-information but we keep moving forward.

That is all I know right now and things change from day to day.  I am sure by the time you are reading this I will have more information or been told that something else we believed is not really true.  Hopefully the information I pass on to you, is based on fact and everything that I am certain of.  Looking to a better new year when he will be closer to home.

Relish In the Victories

I am so excited this morning...I feel like one of the burdens that I have been carrying can be put down for a while and be left alone.  I had a meeting this morning with some of the school faculty and finally had a resolution regarding my son and his reading.

At the beginning of the school year my son had been placed in an extra reading class based on his standardized test scores.  Since learning of this I have been asking the school to actually test his reading level.  My son has always struggled with reading but it was due to dyslexic tendencies and not normal reading difficulties, so putting him in a regular special reading class was not helping him.  On and off throughout the last three years I have been politely arguing with the administration to try and get him the help he needs.  I have routinely hit polite and well meaning walls.  They kept telling me he was doing fine with their programs.

I am his mother...do not tell me that I do not understand and know my children.  Academically he does fairly well, high 80s low 90s, but he still struggles with his reading and writing so they were only looking at his grades and the standardized test scores.  I kept telling them that he is much smarter than his grades show and he was not getting anything out of the special reading classes.  He makes it through his classes now by his own coping mechanisms but what is going to happen when the reading and school works gets progressively harder?  I am not content to sit by and let him slide by now only to end up struggling later.  Give him the tools to excel now and succeed in the future.

I finally complained my way far enough up the line and they did some specialized reading test.  This morning I had my meeting with them and what do you think the results were?  My son does not have typical reading issues,  his tendencies seem to indicate some kind of dyslexia and would benefit more from some special one on one assistance to teach additional skills to overcome the decoding issues.  Isn't that what I had been telling them all long.  Why did it take so long to get any answer?

All I can tell you is that I am so relieved right now.  I just sat at an hour long meeting to have the administration and faculty tell me that everything I had been telling them about my son is correct and now they are going to start working to help him.  As a parent, I wanted to start doing cartwheels down the school hall as I was leaving the building.

This is only the beginning, but the first step is the hardest and yet the most important.  I can sit back and enjoy the victory for now, quietly enjoying the weight that has been lifted.  I will have to pick it up again as I work with and monitor the work the school does with my son but it is nice to know that I no longer have to carry it everyday.

A Challenge to all Those Who Call Themselves Christians

I am always looking for inspiration in anything I can find or in anyone in my life.  Recently I attended the Women of Faith conference and let me tell you that those ladies are some of the most inspirational and motivational women I have ever had the blessing to be around.  It was like stopping at a gas station to refill your gas tank, they refilled my spirit and showed me that the sun is still shining.

But I still continue to keep my eyes open for the subtle messages that come my way which leads me to my thought for today.  Recently the reading in church was from Matthew 25:31-46 and of course I was listening and thinking. 

I have many wonderful friends who do not march around proclaiming themselves as Christians, they do not preach to the world with their online twitter and Facebook accounts, they do not boast about how great their church is (some do not even attend church)  but they demonstrate and live their lives as intended by this reading.  My experiences over the last few years has shown me that many of those people that find it necessary to yell out to the world that they are Christians, are only trying to convince the rest of us that they are good but are not certain that we can see it (or not see it, as the case may be) for ourselves.  They are out there prophesying and sharing the message but with a closer look you can see that they are not really living the life that they are encouraging the rest of us to follow.  They want us to attend their church, listen to their pastors message, or attend the awesome functions from their community but that is the catch...it is within their community.

They do not reach out to those outside their circles, they do not go beyond their comfort zone and do not help the stranger unless the world is watching or they get the credit that they feel they deserve.  Some of these friends are people who have been friends with my husband and me for years but because the situation find it uncomfortable so they have chosen to step back while other friends have jumped in with both feet and been a great support and inspiration.   I have never been a strong believer in one religion or church being better than another, just that you live your life according to His word.   How can I "follow" someone who does not even follow their own teachings?

So here is my challenge to everyone our there whether they call themselves Christians or not, live your life based on the teachings not based on recognition.  Reach out to those in need, write a letter to a long lost friend, help a stranger because you should not because someone is watching, smile at a stranger on the street, hold the door open for someone, make time in your busy schedule for some one who needs a friend and teach The Word by your actions and not your words.
 
As someone who has benefited from these gifts both as a recipient and the giver, I can offer you no greater sense of joy than knowing how much you touched someone else's life, whether they be a friend or stranger.

One Extra Phone Call for The Holidays

The holiday season is upon us, what does that mean for us?  It means we get an extra 100 minutes of phone time during the months of November and December.  We all still have to pay for those calls but the inmates are giving more phone time to use.  It amounts to another 6 phone calls during the month, which is a bit more than one more call per week.  Wahoo!!!  House him over 500 miles from his family and then graciously allow him one more phone call per week during the holiday season.  Excuse me if I sound a bit bitter, but I am continuously amazed with everything I have learned about our justice system.

I don't think I am bitter exactly, I guess I am more dumb founded by the antiquated ways we treat those who have made bad choices.  Yes, he did have a choice in deciding what he did, but who gets to set the bar and determine where the line is drawn whether what he did was so bad that he must go away to prison versus pay a fine and get counseling outside a prison wall.  While he is currently locked up, there are no programs available for him to get the counseling he really needs, thankfully my husband found a voluntary program that is as close as he can get and it is helping him tremendously.  Now as an inmate he is a ward of the state and his family is reliant on friends for additional support.   We get some assistance from the government agencies so indirectly the taxpayers are also paying some of our household expenses as well as his daily needs.  The costs to the taxpayers, I figure is roughly $500,000.00 for his entire stay and the minimal support we receive.

The flip side of this would have been to fine him for his choices (putting money back into the system), putting him on some type of supervision and requiring counseling.  Even a specialist, at the time of his sentencing did not recommend prison, saying he would benefit more from counseling and supervision.  Given this option he would still be working at a full time job, contributing to our household expenses as well as being a tax payer and adding to the tax base instead of draining it.  This option over the course of five years would have been a break even situation when considering dollars only.  But if you consider the fact that three children would still have their father home and we would still be a family,  that is priceless.  Not to mention that he would be getting the help he needed as soon as possible.

The public is outraged by the current economic conditions and the fiscal mess our country is in and yet they remain blissfully unaware of the escalating cost and budgets of the criminal justice system.  This applies to both the state and federal systems.   Lets take some time and thoughtfully review our current system and guidelines to still ensure the safety of the public and best serve the community as a whole.

Wouldn't it be a great Christmas gift to everyone if by next year we were able to ensure that more families were home and intact and that the economy was on the mend due to some thoughtful and forward thinking politicians and officials.  The Bureau of Prisons could keep their extra 100 minutes, I would just like to have my husband home.

My Life In a Country Song

Thought I would have a little fun...

Our love is unconditional; we knew it from the start.

I see it in your eyes, you can feel it from the heart.

From here on after, let’s stay the way we are right now,

And share all the love and laughter

That a lifetime will allow.

I cross my heart and promise to

Give all I’ve got to give to make all your dreams come true.

In all the world you’ll never find a love as true as mine.

You will always be the miracle that makes my life complete,

And as long as there’s a breath in me, I’ll make yours just as sweet.

As we look into the future, it’s as far as we can see,

So let’s make each tomorrow be the best that it can be.[1]

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless, like you’ve lost your fight

But you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright.

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you’re made of

You might bend til you break

Cause it’s all you can take.

On your knees you look up

Decide you’ve had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you stand, then you stand

Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon with only one way down

Take what you’re given before it’s gone

And start holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on.[2]

This world ain’t fair

It can knock you on your butt

You can just lie there

Or you can get back up

You gotta get back up.

There are times in life when you gotta crawl

Lose your grip, trip and fall

When you can’t lean on no-one else

That’s when you find yourself

I’ve been around and I’ve noticed that

Walking’s easier when the road is flat

Them danged ole hills’ll get you every time

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains

So we could learn how to climb.[3]

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees

There’s always been someone to come along and comfort me

A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand

A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand

And ain’t it kind of funny at the dark end of the road

That someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh well I believe there are angels among us

Sent down to us from somewhere up above

They come to you and me in our darkest hours

To show us how to live, to teach us how to give

To guide us with the light of love.

They wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places

To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.[4]

The first time I laid my eyes on you I knew

We’d spend this life side by side

I still feel the same though you’re so far away

I swear that you’ll aways be my

Forever love, I promise you

Someday we’ll be together, forever love

I won’t give up no matter what

I’ll be waiting for  you, forever love

Minutes and hours and years may go by

But my heart knows nothing of time

So don’t cry just keep me right there in your dreams

And hold on to these words of mine.

Forever love, I promise you

Someday we’ll be together, forever love

I won’t give up no matter what

I’ll be waiting for  you, forever love

Love is the road to our destiny

Nothing can change

What is meant to be, forever love

Oh, I won’t give up no matter what

I’ll be waiting for you, forever love

I’ll be waiting for you, forever love

Forever love.[5]

When everything is goin’ wrong

Don’t worry, it won’t last for long

Yeah, it’s all gonna come around

Don’t go let it get you down

You gotta keep on holding on

It’s ‘bout as bad as it could be

Seems everybody’s buggin’ me

Like nothing want to go my way—

Yeah, it just ain’t been my day

Nothin’s comin easily

Up—up—up

Can only go up from here

Up—up—up

Where the clouds gonna clear

Up—up—up

There’s no way but up from here.[6]

It hurts my heart

To see you cry

I know it’s dark

This part of life

Oh, it finds us all

But we’re too small

To stop the rain

Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you’ve done all you can do

And you can’t cope

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

 I will hold you tight

And  I won’t let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall

I’m right here to catch you

I won’t let you down

It won’t get you down

You’re gonna make it

Yeah, I know you can make it.

Cause I will stand by you.[7] 

But life’s not the breath you take

The breathing in and out

That gets you through the day

Ain’t what it’s all about

You just might miss the point

Trying to win the race

Life’s not the breaths you take

But the moments that take your breath away.[8]

And, hey, God, you know what it’s like to lose

Someone who you truly love when you gave your son to us

You must have cried then too

You have your ways, you have your plan

Sometimes mysterious and hard to understand

I am humbled by your grace and everything you do

Hey, God, hey God, I just wanna thank you.

Sometimes I forgot to stop and bow my head

And remember that I have been blessed.

Oh, you have your ways, you have your plan

Sometimes mysterious and hard to understand

I am humbled by your grace and everything you do

Hey, God, hey God, I just wanna thank you

Thank you.[9]

[1] “I Cross my Heart” George Strait

[2] “Stand”Rascal Flatts

[3]“Mountains” Lonestar

[4] “Angels Among Us” Alabama

[5] “Forever Love” Reba McEntire

[6] “Up” UP  Shania Twain

[7] “I Won’t Let Go”  Rascal Flatts

[8] “The Breath you Take” George Strait

[9] “Hey God” Lonestar

We Are Not Defined by Our Past

I recently had the opportunity to attend a symposium organized by Sheila Rule.  The organization she runs is called "Think Outside the Cell".  One of the main messages of the event was that we are not defined by our past and we are not defined by our mistakes.  There was a number of wonderful speakers, all of whom were well versed in all sides of our current justice system.  They spoke about all the flaws in our current justice system and how they have started programs to make changes for the better of all.

The United States currently incarcerates the highest percentage of it's population of all the super powers in the world today.  Is that something we should be proud of?  I don't know about you, but I am not thrilled with thinking that the US has a higher population of degenerates than all the other countries of the world.  I do think it is simply because we have become a society that wants vengeance instead of punishment with rehabilitation.

The main theme of the day was that people should not be defined by what they have done in the past but who they are now.  If we were defined by our past we would all be called crybabies who do not like to share and are immature emotionally.  However, we are all allowed to grow, learn and improve to become better individuals.  Then how come some people are not given the same consideration when they have made bad decisions and choices as adults.  People are found guilty, or plead guilty, and then serve their sentence, but they are not allowed to come home and start a new life.  They are forced to carry their crime with them forever because they are not allowed to move beyond what they did by those around them.

Since when have we become a society that does not offer a fresh start to those who have served their sentences.  How many of us can remember a time when we made a mistake and someone gave us the opportunity to make amends and move beyond our mistakes?  Should it make a difference whether it was a small mistake between friends or something considered illegal?  The same opportunity should be granted to everyone. 

Just some thing to think about in this time when families are being affected, budgets are not balanced because of excessive spending on costs of incarceration versus alternatives and, taxpayers are footing the bill for all those behind bars.  No one wins.

Two Would be So Much Better

Weekends likes this past one make me long for the future when there will be two parents in this family to help share the burdens as well as the joys.

Friday night we all were off to watch my oldest play in the football game.  His senior year and his first time on the football team. Being the pure athlete that he is, he of course is excelling at this sport too.  I will admit to not really understanding the game in detail, but I get the idea, so as long as I can see, I know when I should be cheering for him.  It was cold and damp but the rain held off.  What a joyful evening watching him have fun and do well.  Yet another child was cold, complaining and ended up falling asleep in the car, and the third just hung around as watched the game.  How joyful it would have been if his father had been there to hear everyone cheering for his son and seeing his son having such a wonderful experience, never mind having someone else to carry all the blankets, umbrellas and clothing, and someone to share those blankets with.

Saturday morning up at 7 am and off for a 45 minute drive to a cross country invitational.  Got there in time for the starting gun to go off and see my son start his run. I was there to cheer him around the first turn and again when he beat his time from last year crossing the finish line.  I had enough time to meet up with him, wait for him to put on warm, dry clothes and decide if he was going to stay with the team or leave with me.  Off we go for the next item on the agenda, home to get my daughter up to school for her afternoon soccer game.  What a cold game...sitting there with glove warmers, umbrella and blankets watching through the rain drops and then don't I get a phone call from my older son who said he was stuck in the Wendy's parking lot because the car would not start.  I had to leave my daughter's game and drive into town to try and figure out what was wrong with his car.  Last time I checked I was not a mechanic, but with the help of AAA we were able to get it jump started and home to fix the problem.  I was glad to be there to help my son but at the same time upset that I had to leave my daughters game.  Only one of me and three of them, pulls me in so many different directions.  Being able to share that responsibility with someone else would be such a relief.

I hate having to pick and choose which child is going to get my attention, my daughter was upset and my son was complaining about the time I spend with my daughter.  My daughter and younger son will have more years with their father home, hopefully he will be there for a large part of their high school careers.  My oldest son is on the verge of adult hood and heading out into the world on his own.  So deciding where to spend my time is sometimes decided for me.

They are just teenagers with no real grasp of the world so I try not to get upset with them, but at the same time try to convince them that I am only doing the best that I can.  I am one person trying to fill the shoes of two.  Things will never be truly equal, in their eyes I will spend more time with one, more money on another and babying the other.  But any parent knows that each kid is different and requires different things from their parents.  My time will never be equally spent at one child's game or another's,  money will be spent based on necessity and availability, the ability to get another ride or distance to travel and the emergency always gets my immediate attention.

The kids are the big losers here and I try so hard to keep things in balance that I am torn and end up feeling bad that I can't be everything and everywhere for them.  We all have disappointments in this that we need to learn to live through, but maybe in the future things will be a little bit better when we are all a family again.

Another Year of Firsts He Will Miss

What a busy time of life.  The school year is underway once again, but what makes a difference this year is that my oldest is a senior in high school.  This is his final year of high school so it is a year of many "firsts" yet to come.

My daughter started her first official year of high school, and my youngest turns 13 in a week.  Though most would look on this as another busy school year it is so much more.  My son already had his senior pictures taken and of course I will send as many copies to my husband as possible but again it is another thing my husband will miss.  Upcoming this year we have college exams, college applications, SAT and ACTs, senior yearbooks, senior trips, prom and senior recognition nights for each sports team throughout the year.  How, or even will my son recognize or even pay tribute to the contributions that his father has made in his life prior to his incarceration? Will the anger and the fact that his father is in prison now negate all the other good from the past?  Does he stand tall and proud when they announce both his parents or does he succumb to the external pressures and leave his fathers name off?  If so, not only is my husband unable to be here physically but he will not even be here in spirit.  The negative influences in the community would have won and successfully erased my husband from the general consciousness.

But my son continues to surprise me and step up by making the right choices.  It will be hard time for all of us. I never claimed that doing what is right is always easy.  I probably spend more time thinking and worrying about these things than my kids do or even my husband does.  The kids don't think much past what they are wearing to school tomorrow much less the upcoming school year and my husband doesn't think about much of what is going on here since he is so disconnected from what we do everyday.  But because I am stuck between the two worlds I spend time worrying about and thinking about what is to come.  I have had enough surprises that I am always preparing for every option.  If I can take one small second of time and feed my son one little tidbit of thought that will help push him in the right direction then I will take that opportunity. 

There are things I don't dwell on with my husband, I tell him what is going on but do not always go into great detail.  Sometimes I think that sharing too much with him will only make him feel worse about not being there for his family.  I don't always share the worst, like how I might be struggling this week with shut off notices, or the best, like when we spend a glorious afternoon with friends laughing and having a wonderful day.  I think the highs and lows for us would all equate to lows for him so tempering what I share is important to me.  How much do I share with him about this monumental year for my son?  It will be so busy at times for me that I may have to pick and choose what I pass on.  Keeping in mind that I still have two other children who also have busy lives that time and attention needs to be balanced.

My husband will never get this year back and hopefully my son can forgive his absence because my husband will be home when the other two children celebrate their senior year of high school.  But my husband will also have a life time to make up for that on his own.  It is not my job to repair their relationship, this is way too big for me, it is my job to keep their minds and hearts open to each others point of view.  It may take years for them to heal the wounds but I pray for that day and it is in the hope of that day that I continue to worry, fight and be a nag.

A Perfect Vacation - Care of the Federal Correctional System

We have been home less than a week from our yearly pilgrimage to the federal correction center.  Overall it was one of our best vacations in quite a long time...wait a minute...how can a visit to a federal penitentiary be a "best vacation"?  I guess it all depends on what you rate them against.  It is the one time of the year when for a brief moment we are all together as a family. 

Unfortunately we did not get there in time on Saturday to spend any time with my husband, visiting hours technically end at three and with traffic delays we would not be there until two.  So off to the hotel to enjoy the sun and some pool time, but early to bed so we could get there first thing in the morning.  The earlier you get there the better the chances are that you can get in first thing. 

I just love how the federal system works and how the employees run the business.  It is a good thing that we do not get to send in customer satisfaction surveys because many of the "employees" would fail.  Visiting hours start officially at 8am.  We were there at 7:15am and were the sixth visitors on the list for the day.  Someone in the group called around 8 to see if they were ready and we were told that they would call us when they were ready.  It was after 8:15 by the time they called down and took the first six visitors (that was close!).  By the time we turned in our paperwork, went through the metal detectors and put our shoes and belts back on it was after 8:40 before we were pointed to our assigned visiting location.  By the time my husband came out it was close to 9am.  So much for visiting hours starting at 8. 

We stayed the whole time we were allowed, which is basically until 2:30pm when they start encouraging people to leave so everyone is actually gone by 3 so they can go home, even though visiting hours end at 3pm.  We enjoyed the wonderful vending machine food that they charge way too much for and contains mostly grease and cholesterol, but the inmates look forward to since it is usually better than their regular meals. 

I should feel blessed that my husband is at one of the better facilities.  I have heard so many stories from other people about the conditions in different places that we are glad he is where he is, even though it is so far from us.  I do hate to think what happens after we leave when my husband passes through the door.  Many of you may know exactly what I mean.  It is one of those things that I don't want to know about and try not to think about. 

From there we began the vacation part of the trip.  We spent a few days on the beach a few hours away.  Just relaxing and forgetting all our problems and stresses.  The weather co-operated unless you count the earthquake and the hurricane but neither of them seemed to put a damper on our trip.  We laughed about the earthquake and enjoyed the extra surf that the hurricane whipped up. 

I love the ocean but I decided that this is the last year I will go there without my husband.  So either I need to figure out a way to get him out before our next family vacation or we don't go until he is home.  Not sure what my options are because my daughter has informed me that we NEED to go back next year at the exact same time.  Anyone with a teenage daughter can assume that there is a boy involved.

I would even go as far as to say it was almost a perfect vacation.  The only thing missing was my husband and the fact that we were not there as a family.  But this year as I was watching the sun come up and walking the boardwalk, I still had those feelings of loneliness and despair but this year they were mixed with joy, anticipation and a calmness that I have not felt for a long time.  Is it because I really took advantage of the vacation and let go of the stress? or is it because I can look ahead and see that I have climbed the hill and am making my way down.  Is the worst over and a real family life is looming somewhere out ahead of me?  Positive signs are all around me and they energize me even more to keep trudging ahead.

I still have many once in a life time events to make it through alone, but now I think of all the other events that he will be a part of.  It is a small hiccup in time, one that we have all grown from, and one that will forever change who we are and how we live. 

So on that note, take some time to watch the sun rise, have a good laugh and just enjoy the now.  The pain and sorrow will not last forever, so don't let it have all the power.

The Last Federal Prison Visit Vacation?

Getting ready for our yearly visit to see my husband.  Getting anxious and hoping that everything goes well for the trip.  It has been a year since we have all seen each other and there are always mixed feelings about the visit.

It is hard to believe how much we all change in just one year.  Obviously the kids are taller, their faces changed and so do their personalities.  The little toddlers and children are slowly being replaced by a six foot tall man with a hairy face when he goes without shaving who has become a graceful athlete, a responsible and reliable working man.  A developed young lady who could stop traffic and charm anyone with her smile, the size of her heart and her intelligence.  And a little boy who himself is no longer little being only a inch or two shorter than mom, still changing and growing and discovering who he wants to be and how he fits in this world.

I too am nervous about how I have changed.  A few more gray hairs. I can say no extra pounds because I fight those everyday but my body is fighting back by changing on it's own.  I am a middle aged mom and with that all that comes with it.  I am worried that I have changed too much. One extra laugh line, or one more age spot and I won't be who he remembers me to be.  I have changed so much emotional, spiritually and mentally too that I wonder if I am still even the same person I once was some time ago.  My world has changed in so many ways that who I am and how I live are so different than they once were. 

When we sit with him, what do we talk about?  How do you relive a whole year in one small visit?  We seem to run out of things to talk about but that is because we live and survive in two very different worlds.  My world is the world on the outside, trying to be happy and do what is right by those who count on us.  With that comes the freedom to go and do whatever we want and the decisions that need to be made in that world every moment that we are breathing.  He lives in a world where all the decisions are made for him.  What to eat, what to wear, where to be, what to do and what not to do.  So much of our last few years, my husband has not been apart of. I send pictures and tell as many stories as I can remember throughout the year, but I know it is never really enough. I cannot begin to imagine how it has effected him, with all that he is missing. Survival is his main focus and doing what he is expected so he gets home as quickly as possible.

Our lives are so different and seemingly unconnected.  We cannot begin to know his everyday life and he cannot imagine what it is like on the outside without loosing focus on keeping himself safe, following the rules and working on just getting out.  Focusing on the outside hurts too much, it reminds him of all that he has lost and what he will never get back.  It does cause him to regret his actions and fuels his will power to survive, get out and make amends for his mistakes.  Yet there are so many things, places and people that keep us connected.  I feel that connection in the letters, the phone calls and the once a year visits.  It is still there and we are trying so hard to keep it there.

There is joy in this visit, because as time progresses and within the federal system, this may be our last big visit to the big house.  He will not be home yet this time next year but he will hopefully be preparing to get closer to home.  With a son off to college next year, this trip will not be possible but also not completely necessary.  Maybe a quick visit in the spring and then he could be back in the area around holiday time next fall.  So the seemingly endless sentence that he received does have an end.  We are by no means at the end of the tunnel but I can see the light in the distance and with every passing day it gets a bit brighter and bigger. 

Tears of sorrow...and Tears of Joy

Why is it that some of us have one emotional response for both joy and sorrow?  I have found that I have cried more in the last  three years than all the years of my life to date, that includes being a teenager.  Early on I cried at everything, it seemed the world around me was falling apart and I did not know what to do.  I cried for all I have lost, what was happening to my family, and the utter despair I was feeling.

I would cry at home, at church, in the car going anywhere or just sitting in the driveway, and every night before I would fall asleep.  It was in those tears that I found my strength.  It seems contrary to what you might think but I found support from people who truly cared.  I found I could hear my inner voice, the voice of God, pointing me in the right direction.  It was a release so that I did not completely fall apart and loose total control.

My son hated to see me cry and still hates it to this day, but he is learning that crying is not a sign of weakness.  It can be so much more.  I had the opportunity to explain to him that when I cry I am anything but weak, would a weak person have gotten us this far?  He has become more tolerant of the tears but I also try to be respectful of how it bothers him and try to control the frequency and locations.

However these days I find that my tears are more often tears of joy.  How is that possible?  My husband is in Federal Prison, my family has been ripped apart, my community does not embrace me as they once did, I am a single mom struggling to raise three children, my immediate family is getting smaller due to aging, and there are days when I feel just as lost as I did on day one.  So where do I find those moments of joy?  As time passes I am finding more reasons to be happy and joyful. 

I had to struggle to come up with extra money to let my daughter participate in a real special sports program and just last week she ended her season with her program.  At that last event she started crying because she was sad that her program was ending.  She had gotten so much out of the program with new friends, great coaching, and a tremendous improvement in skill that she was saddened that it was all ending for the season.  I turned and saw her crying, asked why and suddenly felt such joy in my heart.  Was it bad for me to feel joy at the sight of my daughter crying? Normally I would say yes, but if you understand that in her tears of sorrow, I felt that everything I had done over the last nine months, all the sacrifices I had made, all lead to that moment when she was feeling such grief that the program was over.  I had been able to give her an experience in her life that left her heart broken when it was over.  All my struggles had really paid off and her emotions were the best thanks I could have every received.

A friend recently asked me if I could scrape together enough money to attend a concert with her, I regrettably had to say no.  I would have loved to go with her, it would have been a fun adult night away from home.  A chance to forget all the bad and enjoy the moment.  Oh well...

Until I found out that she asked my son if he wanted to do something nice for his mom and buy my ticket to the concert.  He was suddenly asking me if I had any plans on the day of the concert without telling me why.  My son was buying my ticket to the concert so I could have a night out and enjoy myself.  He doesn't know that I know yet, but I am in awe of what a wonderful gesture it is on his part.  He has been working hard this summer at two different jobs and has been very cautious with his money, yet his mom is important enough to spend some of his money on.  How can I not be overwhelmed by what he is doing for me?

The joy I feel more and more is the joy I get from seeing all that I have been doing, the struggles and the sacrifice paying off with awesome kids.  Everyday I see my kids doing things and being people that I am so proud of. I see them helping others, being kind, being smart, and being happy.  It all just reinforces for me that someday the worst will be over, our lives will move on and we can all look forward to a future filled with buckets of tears of joy.

God Bless America-Land of the Free

Excuse me a minute while I climb up on my soapbox. 

Let me start by saying that I am not bitter with everything that has happened to me but I am certainly much more aware of how our current justice system works and let me say that I am not at all happy with what I see. 

I have learned so much more about the American Justice System and how our government works in the last few years than I ever did in any American Government or Criminal Justice class I have ever taken.  Let me tell you that my eyes have been opened to how our system works and it is not a pretty picture. 

Our current system is a very polluted version of what the founding fathers originally envisioned when they were sitting down writing the documents that our country was founded on.  The original Constitution has withstood the test of time and remained the one guide that we look to for the basis of all our laws.  The Constitution has had minimal updates or changes and most of those can be attributed to advances in thinking and further advances in equality for all. 

The problems with the current system stem from a variety of directions.  Originally the founding fathers believed that to serve as an elected representative would be a short stint for someone who still had some other business or job outside of Washington DC.  They did not envision today's lifetime politicians who have lost touch with the "everyman" and what it is like to actually live and work in this country.  Many of them have served a lifetime in public service as some kind of elected official answering to party leaders, special interest groups and donors.  Where is there room for the every day citizen in their plans.  The politicians claim to be looking out for our best interest, but aren't they just doing things that they believe I will love them for and therefore re-elect them.  They latch on to a "hot" topic and talk about, making it front page news, campaign to sponsor new legislation, and tell me it is for my best interest and then when it fails to pass say it was the other guys fault.  Never mind that he never really intended to pass it since it would hurt some special interest group and therefore effect his future campaign funds.  He looks like the hero because he was trying to protect "us" and we are angry at the other guy for not passing this legislation that we were told would be good for us. 

Do we really need more laws?  Does every regulation have to be written so the average citizen can not understand it with all the loopholes and "whereas"s?  We know we should not steal, murder, drink and drive, or harm another in any way.  We should respect other people, their property, their rights and freedoms just as they should respect ours.  Why have we become a society that tolerates the government now dictating what we can do in our cars as long as we are not a danger to another, or telling us how we can spend our time while in the privacy of our own home?  The government and law enforcement has lead us to believe that we have a right to control what happens in each others homes if it does not agree with our way of thinking.  What they don't realize is that it means that the government can now enter your home and regulate what you do to.  Those rules do not apply only to those we think are bad or creepy, they apply to everyone  (unless you are rich, famous or a politician then you can change the rules for yourself).   My life is already changed in that I live everyday double thinking every little thing I see and do.  I see the actions of others and know that if just one factor had been different that could of lead someone to jail.   

The politicians love to pat themselves on the back in the name of protecting the ignorant population they were elected to protect.  What the general citizen does not realize is that they are slowing giving up all their rights that all spelled out in the Bill of Rights.  When one group of people is allowed to have their civil rights stripped away it is only a matter of time before that erodes onto another group and then another.  Before you know it, the Bill of Rights only applies to the chosen few.  Who gets to do the choosing?  Certainly not me or you. 

Our country has the largest prison population in the world.  We have come to the place where we solve every little problem by demanding punishments that satisfy our need for vengeance.  Never mind looking at the bigger picture, being the bigger person, offering forgiveness with treatment, or considering better alternatives to prison.  We are becoming a population that instead of lifting ourselves up, we feel better about ourselves by tearing down others.  Many people currently in federal prison are first time offenders who would have been better served with some other alternative punishment.  Society as a whole would also be better, since we would still have more people being productive members of society and not wards of the government.  The problem is prisons are a money making operation, so those lobbying for prison reform have to fight against the large corporations that make millions of dollars off the current prison system.  Truthfully, being locked in the stockade for a week is much more desirable than the current system of sentencing and punishment.  At least when your time was up you could walk away with your life still intact and be able to move beyond your own history. 

There are people currently in prison who are serving sentences way beyond what the normal person views as logical, and yet then there are monsters who walk amongst us everyday and because of any number of reasons never spend a day in jail.    Whether it be State vs. Federal charges, ability to hire a real slick attorney, or being or just knowing the right person so you can get out from under any scrapes with the law.  Can the measure of our system really be called fair?  Before I knew the inner workings of the justice system I would have thought it to be fair, because as Americans we are lead to believe that everything we do it the "right" thing.   

I can only hope that no other family ever has to go through the same thing, but unfortunately I am not so naive to believe that.  I hear from way too many people who are in the same boat.  The tide will not begin to change until more of the everyday people are touched by the current system and all indications are that the erosion has begun.  Some of us where just sooner than others.  There will come a day when everyone will have a criminal past and it will not mean anything anymore.

God Bless America...yes!  I still would not want to live anywhere else in the world.  Land of the Free...I am not so sure...just don't ever get caught doing something someone else considers wrong unless you are prepared to be punished in the harshest way possible.     

How is Life Normal on One Income?

Most of the time I am contemplating the emotional aspects of my life, but one of the things that effects me most is not directly an emotional issue, although the worry and anxiety that it causes are certainly emotional responses.  How am I supposed to live a normal life with 2/3 of my income gone?

I have read books and sought out advice from other wives and they have helped with the emotions of this new life but no one has been able to tell me how to make one paycheck last two weeks until the next one come.  We were not wealthy by any means and would probably classify us as middle class, so I had the opportunity to take a lower paying job at a small company with great flexibility so I could be more available for the kids.  It was one of the best decisions I could have ever made.  My bosses and co-workers have been very supportive, kind and helpful throughout this whole experience.  I am not sure I would have made it as far as I have without that job to go to everyday and the "friends" that are there and been there for me.  So my husband's salary paid a large percentage of the bills.  With the loss of his regular job we had to make adjustments, but with his new lower paying job we were doing OK.  Even when we had to pay the expenses for two households we still managed to stay afloat until...

When he was incarcerated our whole life as we knew it was gone forever. I was suddenly responsible for a house payment (thankfully we did not listen to the realtor and purchased a home well within our means), all the utilities, and every other possible expense required to raise a family.  It was a major struggle at first, going into Social Services was one of the worst experiences of my life (and the staff there did not make it any easier) and then to find out that I was a few dollars above the cut off to qualify for any assistance was heart breaking.  How was I supposed to be financially responsible for three children?

The retirement money was gone to pay for the attorney and there was no money of significance in savings anywhere. I have money taken out of my paycheck and put in savings so I have emergency money when I need it but it seems that there is an emergency all the time so that money never really grows very big.. I am not really sure how I have made it this far.  I have managed to keep the house payments current, own and sort of maintain two cars with no payments, keep all our utilities turned on and supported a some what normal childhood for the kids. 

But with all that there are times when I feel like I am failing, and I just don't know what to do.  Christmas time is of course a bad time because of all the additional expenses for gifts, food and travel.  Back-to-school is another bad time because not only do the kids need sneakers but they at least need a few pair of jeans and then the unending school supply list as well.  There are points during the year when I know things will be tight and I somehow muddle my way through them.

But I have hit a point now when I don't know what to do.  How do you tell a Junior in high school that you can not afford to send him to his prom?  How do you tell your daughter that you can not afford to pay for the rest of her class trip to Washington DC next year because you can't come up with the balance right now after you have been paying on it all year?  What do you tell your son when he asks for money to take the SAT or ACT exams for college next year?  All this while they still expect to have groceries on the table and gas in the car to get them where ever they need to be.  It would not seem so bad except there is no end in sight for the next three months.    My oldest will want to start visiting colleges soon and how can I afford to take the time off and still pay all the expenses associated with those trips.  And lets not forget the once a year visit that we get to go see my husband and their father usually in August some 500 miles away.

This is only a drop in the bucket of the expenses I feel like I am drowning in.  As I sit here I am in tears because my daughter is upset that we do not have a spare set of AAA batteries in the house so she can finish her homework with her graphing calculator.  Even if I had the time to stop and buy the batteries after work today I am not sure I have any money to spare with a tuxedo rental that needs to be picked up tomorrow.  Seems so silly to feel this way but I am not sure I can keep my head above water in the near future.

How do other people do it?  How do they survive without completely going under?  I shop at the discount grocery stores, which are ultimately cheaper than the large stores using coupons.  I don't buy brand name groceries, store bands are just fine.  Many of our clothes come from second hand stores and there are certainly no big, unnecessary purchases on a regular basis.  So how do I make my little pay check last forever, or look my children in the eye and tell them no you can't have a normal childhood because I can't afford it.  They do not ask for "stuff" any more because they know the funds are limited so why should I say "no" when they ask to do something special.  Unfortunately for me, everything seems to be falling at the same time and with no immediate end in sight.

Could I get a second job?  I suppose I could try but then who would be there for the kids?  Who would make sure they did their homework, ate a balanced meals or made sure that their clothes were clean?  As it is I only see them a few minutes in the hectic mornings and then two or three hours before someone starts to head to bed.  If I was working a second job, who would be parenting my children?  That IS my primary job so I am not willing to give that up.  The house is too small to rent out a room and if you have followed my blog you know my mother-in-law suggested that "I just find some one new" which I am not willing to do.  So that puts me back to my question "What do I do?".

Someone out there must have survived this and lived to tell about it.  I am sure I am not alone in wondering what more I could do to change our situation for the better.  I would love to write an entry sometime in the future explaining to others how I got through this and offer them some path to follow.

Happy (Non)Anniversary

Yesterday was a hard day, it marks my 20th wedding anniversary.  So many feelings to deal with that it is difficult to know how to express it all. 

How do you celebrate a wedding anniversary when there is only one of you?  Is is really a marker of an anniversary?  Should it even be celebrated?  You are still married on paper but very little in your life would look or feel like a marriage.  If you asked people who have met me in the last few years about my marital status, most would probably not know how to answer that question.  Many would respond that they have often wondered about that themselves.  I don't advertise my situation and don't offer an explanation, but I am sure people are curious because I still wear my wedding rings. 

I have a pen pal right now, not sure he could be classified as a husband.  It breaks my heart to think that but he is such a small part of our lives right now that I can not help but feel that way.  I got a card in the mail from him and a phone call but could he have done more?  He is not allowed any money, he is not allowed to call anyone not on his approved list, so what more could he do?  He could have drawn a picture, wrote a poem, copied a poem, or even wrote someone else to ask for help doing something special.  Is it wrong for me to hope he would do something to mark this milestone?  Twenty years is a long time and given everything I have endured on his behalf in the last few years, isn't it something that should be marked with more than a simple greeting card?

Part of the anxiety also comes from thoughts that after we get through the period of incarceration, will we have marriage that survives or will it all start to crumble?  Will we both have changed too much to live under the same roof and be partners again?  There is not a day that goes by that I worry about how prison is changing him.  How is it affecting who he is as a person?  Will he be the same person he was when he went in?  I wonder if he will be more aggressive or even more withdrawn.  Will he be more outgoing or more reserved?  Something as simple as the language he uses and the way he talks could be changed.  What does the future hold for the longevity of our marriage? 

Am I changing too much to have him come home?  I am even more independent than I was before.  Necessity has made me the boss in our home.  All the decisions are mine to make, whether right or wrong.  I have learned to survive on my own.  Will I be able to give up some of the responsibilities and decision making and start sharing all that again? 

We have celebrated other anniversaries while he was incarcerated and with little impact, but for some reason the fact that it is our 20th seems to bother me more.  It should be a time of celebration and honoring the vows that have lasted for a long time, but instead it is a quiet day that passes with no indications that it is anything special.  I used to get a card from my Mom on our anniversary, but that now no longer comes either.  In this day and time when marriages do not last very long, a marriage that lasts should be celebrated.  Maybe our marriage has yet to prove that it has lasted and any celebrations should be postponed until a time when the marriage has reached that time.  A time when it is evident that it has survived the "better or for worse, the richer and for poorer and in the sickness and in health", then it will be time to celebrate.

I hope for a day when our marriage can be celebrated as two people who stuck together, survived the worst, supported each other, changed and grew for the better, and continued to love each other and be partners until death us do part.

A Salute to The Strongest Women in the World

Yesterday was Mother's Day and though I had hoped to have this posted for Mother's Day, the best laid plans never happen.  Busy with spring time sports, birthdays, and general life activities, I don't always get everything done when I want to, but it does get done...eventually. 

Today I wanted to write about all those forgotten, super women out there.  They are the moms that get up every morning and begin their day by putting everyone else first.  Breakfast, fixing hair, making lunches or coming up with lunch money, reminding everyone what they need to take, and making sure they all get to school on time.  Then taking the time to get yourself up and ready to tackle another day.  For me, that means seeing how many loads of laundry I can get done before I finally pull out of the yard and head of to work.  (Work...the place where they actually pay me for what I do, not to be confused with home, where I work all the time with no compensation.) 

Off to work, thinking about all the things that need to get done or accomplished during the day.  Trying to fit as many things in during the day as possible.  How many different messages do you get during the day reminding you that they need something or need to be somewhere?  That might mean running to the store during lunch to pick up a few things that someone mentioned they needed just this morning or planning on trying to stop somewhere on your way home.  But wait, you are not going home tonight.  There are at least two games that you would like to go watch but can only really be at one.  The game closest to home wins.  If you are lucky you get home in time to eat something, notice I did not say dinner.  Sometimes it is just a sandwich, leftovers or just a bowl of cereal.  Homework, sign all the paperwork to go back tomorrow, clean up the kitchen (how can a kitchen that is not used get so messy?) and then it is already time to get ready for bed.    Now is when you reflect on the day and I try to share all the events with the one person who is not here and would be the one person who would be here to help. 

That is a typical day, but that does not include getting more laundry done, mowing the lawn, weeding the gardens, keeping things looking acceptable, grocery shopping, and all the other endless things that a mother is responsible for when dad is incarcerated.  It is such a thankless job because children do not have any concept of gratitude.  You are their mother and you fix everything so it is the most natural thing for them to just assume that you can and will do everything they ask.  They have no idea what it takes some days to do all that they ask.  But you are the Mom and somehow you find the strength and just get it done.  I am told that someday they will appreciate all I have done for them during these most difficult time but in the mean time I will admit that a "Thank you" would be nice once in a while without having to remind someone to say it.  A child does not realize that there is a world outside their own scope of vision so they do not see all that we are feeling and experiencing.  They do not understand the sacrifices that we make every day just so that they can continue living and being as they always have or at least how they think they should.

It is all those special women who hold their families together, be both a mother and a father, fight to keep their families connected, strive to keep their children on the right path, stand up in the face of public scrutiny, face judgment from other people but do what needs to be done, make their lives appear normal to an outsider and find the strength every day to get up and do it all over again that make me proud to be a part of that class. 

Only someone who has worn those shoes can fully understand what it is like to be the wife of an inmate and have to keep going alone so it is all those women that I salute.  Being a mother is hard enough without all the extra things that come with this package, but they are the strongest, kindest, and most loyal people I know and I would love to count any one of them as my friend.

Why State Versus Federal Charges

One of the side effects of my most recent past life is the unplanned exposure to our legal system.  From the day the police first raided my home to about three minutes ago when I was reviewing on of the many sites I visit on a regular basis, my life seems consumed by the flaws in our legal system.

People often ask if I am angry at my husband and I will admit to moments but I am more angry with the current state of our legal system.  I am not saying that he should not be punished for what choices he made, but I am questioning the way the system works and what the ultimate goal of the system is.  My husband was prosecuted through the federal system although we were told that he could have been handed over to face state charges.  He was sentenced to five years in Federal Prison, but he might have only sentenced to probation in the state system or minimally one year. 

Who decides where an offender's case is handled?  Well I recently talked to a Federal Public Defender, and was told that there is no formula or reason why any one case is handled on a Federal level and others are handled in the state system.  There are certain criteria that make it eligible to be handled in a Federal court but once those criteria are met, it is still a human judgement call as to where the case is handled. Just the other day I was reading a news article about a man who was just arrested and the decision was still being made as to whether he would be tried in the Federal system or the state.  The paper quoted that he would probably be tried in the Federal system because he would be face a much stiffer sentence.  Why is it that two people can be charged with the same charge, but end up serving two extremely different sentences just based on the charging court?

There is something inherently wrong with our legal system when how much you serve for a convicted crime is simply decided by a flip of a coin.  The Federal prosecutor gets to decide if this is a case he wants to tackle or one he wants to pass on and let the state system deal with it.  It could be tied to the popularity of the arrest, the notoriety of the defendant, or the ability to put a feather in the prosecutors cap.  Should our system be so arbitrary?  I do not think so.  If it is arbitrary then how can you argue that it is fair?

This leads to the next question about what is the ultimate goal of our criminal justice system.  I can not help but wonder if the true goal of the system has been lost.  On the national news the other morning there was a story about a new federal prison that could not be opened for operations due to budget cuts.  The community was upset about all the jobs that are hanging in the wind without the prison opening.  Everyone was taking about how horrible the community was feeling with the delay of the opening.  I, however, felt nothing but sorrow.  I was thinking of all the families whose loved ones would be facing incarceration at a this new prison.  I was thinking of all the people who are facing harsh sentences based on the whim of one individual and Federal mandatory minimums. 

Our politicians do not want to appear soft on crime and then offer the public the business of corrections.  Prisons become booms to communities suffering from high unemployment.  We can not afford to educate our children but we can afford to build prison and continue to fill them with first time offenders.  For every job we create working in a prison we then remove one person from a family and remove the potential for that person to be a contributing member of society.  Corrections has become BIG BUSINESS.  Politicians fight to get prisons in their district because it means more dollars to their economy and a boom in job growth.  It makes them look good to their constituents.  Guards, support staff, customers, suppliers, construction workers are gain when a prison moves in.  But is this the way that we should be stimulation our economies.  Lets take some of that money and hire counsellors, probation officers, and case workers help those first time offenders stay in their communities, stay with their families, pay taxes, keep working and be rehabilitated without serving time in prison.

Do I think my husbands sentence was too harsh?  Yes I do, based on how he would have been sentenced in a state court.  There are many people out there who may disagree, but then fix the system.  If you think his sentence was appropriate then make the same crime in the state system punishable by the same sentence as the Federal system.  Had I ever thought about any of this before it became a everyday part of my life, no.  But it is only when things touch us personally that we suddenly take a closer look at the world around us. 

Let's get some equality in the system in both the punishment fitting the crime and consistency in punishment across the Federal and state system.   I hope that you will never have a personal experience with the system but please don't wait to get informed and learn what is really going on in the world.

Life Can be Good Even with Someone in Prison

I really wish I understood the way a human brain functions, or better yet, the way our emotions ebb and flow everyday.  Why are some people happier by nature while others are in a permanent state of grumpiness? 

I hit a rough spot for the past few weeks even though I could not really put my finger on what was causing it or what I could do about it, then I realize that I am feeling better again and still no idea why.  Things are certainly not better this week, I am still holding things together on my own and truth be told, in some ways things are worse.  My brother called to say that my dad is deteriorating quickly now and it looks likes nursing care is in the very near future and I will be attending a funeral of a friend's grandson who was only 6. 

Is it because we can look outside ourselves and see that there is always someone experiencing something worse?  But I have always known that because of the relationships I have made over the last few years and because people have told me that my experiences are "what they think of when they are thinking of the worst".  I disagree, my life is filled with joy, happiness and living. 

I will admit that my life has been in a seemingly endless state of change, and maybe that is why I hit my slump, things did not change, I was emotionally in a rut.  I am not talking about earth moving change, just small things that remind me that things are always moving forward.  For the most part, things have been moving in a positive direction and when nothing changes it means we are not moving forward.  Just like a plateau when you are dieting, it is a time to regroup, re-evaluate and consider new options to keep making positive changes.

Each day is not a day without us as a whole family, but each day is one day closer to when we can be a whole family once again.  One day closer to our next visit, when we can sit and try to catch up on a whole years worth of activities and changes.  One day closer to the ultimate release date and a whole new set of experiences when he will come home again.  But each of those days has an inherent value in and of themselves.  Each day is one day more I can spend with my kids, looking at colleges, attending sporting events, laughing at their silliness and just enjoying being in their company. 

Each day is a new opportunity to discover how great they are as people.  Learning their kindness and observing moments when they truly shine, not when they hit the home run or make that great catch, but in the quiet moments without an audience that I see them touch someone else's heart with a kind word or a selfless act.  My heart fills with pride and an overflow of emotion, I am so overwhelmed that I am left speechless.  I do make sure that I tell them how proud of them I am, and have seen subtle hints from them that they are proud of each other.

Maybe it is in these small moments that my spirits are lifted and I am also renewed.  I am succeeding, all the work, effort, exhaustion and determination is for a great cause.  If I ever feel the need to question how I am living this life I need only to look at the three blessings God has put in my care to know that life is good.

The Triple Threat - Feelings of Self-pity, Loneliness and Selfishness

Why is it human nature to focus on the negative instead of the positive?  The experts tell me that I have experienced a form of grief although I am not sure that they have fully studied what the spouse of an convicted felon really feels and experiences.  Over two years into this and I am still searching for answers in what I am feeling and how to handle everything that is put in front of me.

All I have to do is watch the morning news shows to see people and families who are in a much worse situation than I am.  We are all healthy and no one requires any medications or specialized medical care.  I have managed to keep a roof over our heads and not feel overly stressed that we could loose our home, at least up until now.  We have food on the table whenever anyone is home long enough to sit down and eat, although the kids might argue that it may not be exactly what they want to eat.  I have a fairly reliable car that is paid for and gets us all where we need to go.  I have job that allows me flexibility due to my family situation. 

I could go on and on about all the positives so I know that there are many things that are good in my life and that I should be happy about.  But then something hits me, and I feel all the bad things come rushing in.  I get up every morning and spend everyday living for my children.  Everything I do is to make sure that they are going to be happy, healthy and normal.  Even going to work becomes something I do to make sure I can hold our lives together for another pay period.  Even the days I take off are counted and rationed out so I can have enough to last the year to go to all the functions and trips that are necessary to meet the needs of all the other people around me.  I have to allow for unexpected days when a kid might be home sick from school, an out of town family emergency or to plan for that once a year trip to visit dad.  There are days when it seems like every action I take to for someone else and I suddenly wonder "who is taking care of me?". 

It is coming up on two years now that my Mom has been gone, but truthfully she would have told you that I was the type of kid she never had to worry about, so why would she worry about me as an adult.  The physical distance between us also made it harder for her to connect with her grandchildren and be a bigger part of my life when I needed her to be there.  With my Dad's dementia, he is fading and can not offer me the support that I seem to be searching for at times.  My brother is busy taking care of my dad and that is more important right now.

Is that my problem or is it the same for everyone?  It is so easy for me to believe that everyone else is more important than me.  Shouldn't I be important to someone once in a while?  Is it selfish of me to wish that there was someone here to take care of me once in awhile, someone else to make a few decisions, someone else to make dinner tonight, someone else to put their shoes back on to go make that last late night pickup or someone to simply just put me first.  Is it selfish to think that in my world of home, work and activities that I still feel like the loneliest person in the world?  Am I supposed to be brave, smile and keep my chin up every day?  Or is it OK to be selfish once in a while, to wallow in self-pity and wish my life could be different? 

I am still looking for that manual that tells me how I am supposed to be living this life but I have not found it yet.  Maybe my library just has not received their copy yet, so if anyone knows where I can find it let me know.  I look for words of wisdom in my faith, and in the experiences of others, and I take what I can, but words on a page just can't compare to a well intentioned hug and knowing that for a moment you have nothing to worry about.

Can Prisoners Really Stay Connected with Their Families?

Another milestone that my husband missed and will never get back...I just got back from taking my oldest son to his driver's license road test.  He passed!  I am thrilled for so many reasons, some are purely selfish.  With another driver in the the house that means that I do not have to be the full time taxi driver.  The prospect of not having to drop everything that I am doing to go pick some one up or take some one some where actually makes me giddy (not a word you hear very often).  But reality quickly sets in when I am hit upside the head with the vision of ONE car in the driveway and THREE different schedules...not counting my own.

Although having another driver will take a small amount of pressure off me, and give my son the opportunity to learn some additional responsibilities, it will still not make a big enough change that I could have some, what do you call it? Free time?  I had hopes of using some tax refund money to purchase an additional car and did sock some of it away, but unfortunately I don't think it will be enough to buy anything even remotely reliable.  Three kids with too many needs, so I was not able to save as much as I had hoped.  I am trying to plan out in my head how I can pinch those pennies until they scream to add to the savings and hope to put enough down on another car within the next couple of months.  Hope is a powerful thing even if it seems unrealistic or at least out of my reach.

So here it is, yet another milestone that can never be recreated.  I am losing count of all the events that he has not been a part of.  Recently all three of my children where honored by the church diocese, a once in a lifetime achievement and he was not there.  Ironically, I think one of the reasons they received the honor was because of my husband.  Many people had commented on how great it was that the children continued their service to the church even during the worst of the storm that our family was going through.  Like it or not, I told the kids, that they are role models for all the other people in the church.

My son will play his first Varsity baseball game, which for him is the highlight of the school year. My daughter will soon play her first JV softball game as the starting pitcher, not bad for an eighth grader.  She will also have her first game with the regional softball travel team that she has been practicing with since last fall.  My youngest son plays his last season of ball with Little League.  Another season is soon to change, if the cold and snow ever finally leave.  We are headed into a spring and summer that seem to hold a promise of better things to come. 

I am not sorry to see the kids growing and maturing, because as a parent, if I have done my job right, that is what should happen. I love watching them change and evolve. I have recently discovered that my angry teenager remembered how to smile and carry on a conversation. I am rediscovering what a joy he can be to have around while silently dreading when the next one will enter that awful but seemingly necessary phase.

I remember their first steps, their first words and their first day of school and every first after that.  As a parent I don't think any "first" is more important than another.  There will be a first prom,  a first high school graduation and a first day of college for my son.  A first real boy friend, the perfect winning season and the next great story my daughter just can't wait to share when she jumps in the car.  Time for my youngest son to learn what he likes, what he doesn't like, and which video game he will try to convince me to buy.  Some of these are great moments, others are seemingly small, yet of such greater value to me.  All of these things can be described in letters, and photos snapped and forwarded, but the true value and meaning can not begin to be recreated to be relived five hundred miles away in a federal prison.

I can only do what I can, I can't change the federal system by correcting all the flaws overnight.  I can give my husband as much of our daily lives as I can.  I can write down, snap photos and video tape everything that happens as much as possible, but unfortunately things will be lost in the distance and I am not sure those things can ever be recovered.

Communication is the Key to Strong Families

It is funny that I always seem to keep coming back to the same frustrations with the system.  I have talked to many people and my husband has contact with many inmates and it seems that the greater percentages of relationships do not last when dealing with incarceration.  I can solve the whole thing for you with one word COMMUNICATION!  The "experts" claim that the best way to prevent reoffending is a strong family support system and a welcoming environment for the ex-offender to return to. But the practices put in place seem to encourage just the opposite.

I have made a decision at this point to stay with my husband and do whatever it takes to ensure that he can come home to stay with us.  I married him for better or worse, (if this is the "worse", I have many years of "better" to look forward to) and I plan on honoring those vows.  I am finding that this decision is a constant uphill battle.  Usually we have three 15 minute phone calls during one week,  I try to write and mail one letter everyday during the work week, and there is the quick e-mail that is available but costs him money every time he is on the e-mail system.  And yet with all of these resources, there does not seem to be enough time to tell him everything a father and a husband should know.  Having him located nine hours away does not help either.  We have been able to see him two times in the last 2 1/2 years. 

Everyday when I am driving to work or home I think about all the things I want to tell him; something funny one of the kids did, a recent sporting event where one of them excelled, something nice someone in the community said about him, family updates or just something that I thought he would like to hear.  Unfortunately, I always seem to forget something.  There are too many distractions when I am writing, too tired by then to remember everything, not enough time on the phone, or trying to limit the lengths of e-mail because of monetary constraints.

There is so much that he is missing, the day to day monotony of daily life.  And selfishly I am missing talking to my best friend as often as I would like or need to.  I miss sharing my day with someone, complaining about work or the kids or deciding who is going to make dinner and then clean up.  I wonder if I have gotten out of the habit of talking about everything and nothing.  When he does come home will we both have to learn how to communicate all over again?

Is that what destroys these relationships?  It is hard work to keep this up day after day after being mom and dad to three kids.  I still have to make time for him every night with a letter.  He deserves that much of my time.  I was shocked when I learned that he had been told that the letters would eventually stop, who gives up on something so important so easily?  It is hard, I will admit that, but being married is hard too.

There are things that the Bureau of Prisons could do to make it easier, but for their own reasons, they believe that what they are doing is acceptable.  I would love to argue that point with them anytime.  Better locations, closer to families, more monthly phone time and more readily available access to e-mail.  I can't even begin to question visiting policies, because that does not factor into our lifestyle enough to be a problem.  But I have talked with others to know that visitations do not always go as smoothly as they could based on rules, locations and time of day or week.

Are these offenders being set up to fail when they get out?  Are we creating a population that moves in and out of our prison systems to make sure that communities keep their largest employers, employees keep their jobs and companies keep their biggest customers?  Why don't we take all the money that flows in and out of the prison system and put it into education.  Communities can create new schools instead of prisons, employees can work in the schools instead of the prisons or at locations that offer alternatives to incarceration for the more minor offenders, and companies supply to the schools instead.  Thinks about how smart our population would be with all the education if it was made affordable for everyone.  We would not need as many prisons because a higher educated population is less likely to break the laws.  What an interesting cycle we could create.   We would have whole families living under one roof, the number one prevention of crime is a two parent household, and put an end to the vicious cycle of one generation after another ending up in prison.

You Should Have to Take a Maturity Test to be a Parent

I have started a couple of different posts this month, but I just can't seem to finish them.  This has certainly been a roller coaster of a month.  Not a big bad roller coaster, but one that has just enough loop d' loops to leave me a bit unsettled.  I have gone from moments of joyful amazement to suddenly finding myself in a situation that takes me all the way back to those original feelings of anxiety and hurt.   I have had times when I found myself enlightened only to leave me angry because I did not know this information sooner.  The highs and lows somehow seem exaggerated.  There are more times that I coast somewhere in the middle but possibly because I have been so in tuned to how I am feeling that I seem happier when I am happy, angrier when I am angry, and lower when I am feeling low.

I had one moment at a basketball game when someone who had not been very nice to me since all this started, came up to me and I was able to say "Hi" and she responded nicely with a smile.  I thought that maybe people were finally moving beyond all the bad feelings.  It gave me feelings of hopefulness that we could all move beyond this.  Then I made the mistake of heading to the concession stand for a blow pop.  I knew the people behind the counter, one I knew as an acquaintance and never really had much of a conversation with, the other had been a pretty good friend but had stopped talking to me because I was no longer part of the "in" crowd".  It seemed that she had been warming back up to me recently.  Well they were out of blow pops so I just asked my daughter for a piece of gum and we left.  I joked with my daughter that I am sure they were having a laugh at my expense but we moved on to watch the game.  Little did I know how right I was.  Another friend whose daughter was working in the stand came up and told her mother that she could not work there anymore because of the nasty things they were saying about me.  I was stunned.  Not only were these "adult" women talking behind my back but in front of younger children.   

Those comments affected me for a number of days and I had to keep reminding myself of exactly what I tell my daughter "do not let it get to you" and all the other things we tell our children as they try to make it through middle school.  I do not know the reasons for what they said, but at the same time what they had to say will not change any way that I live my life.  I live my life based on what is best for my children.  I will attend those games and scream their names and love watching them until I no longer need to be there.  It is only at that time that I will not need to enter that judgmental environment where some kids never really grow up, they just become ignorant parents.  As a single parent with three kids I have severe limits on my time.  I will not volunteer to work or spend hours of my time when it conflicts with the activities that are important to my kids and don't criticize me for not working and say at the same time that you would never call and ask for my help.  That just shows how shallow and immature you really are, and you should really be ashamed if a child knows that what you are saying is wrong. 

Watching the activities on senior night only strengthens those emotions when I see kids thanking their parents and every other family member who lives in this tight knit community, from grandparents to aunts and uncles.  My heart breaks because my son will only have his Mom, no dad will be there.  I am not sure that he will even thank him based on his feelings at this point.  There will not be any grandparents to thank, no aunts, no uncles, no extended family that comes every week to support them, just me.  So having other parents question my choice in how I spend my time effects me greatly because I choose my kids.  I don't have the time to spend manning a food booth while my children are having the game of their career.   If I am not there watching them, no one is.
 
It is funny how we are so quick to make judgments about others lives when we know very little about their lives.  Whether they be someone who thinks they know you well or someone who you have never said more than a fleeting hello to, who are we to sit in judgment of choices others make in their lives?  Should I take a public vote every time I make a decision so as not to offend anyone's opinions of how I should be living my life.  At one time I always volunteered and I ran all those stands but not any longer.  I am not sure if that is what makes me an easy target, or maybe it is because I am the common enemy.  Is who they are and what they say really important?  They are not so important, but the lesson in all of this that it reminds me of what and who are the important people in my life and I will stand up against the devil to make sure my kids come first.

There have been so many lessons in all of this, one of greatest ones, and one that I try to pass on to my children, is to not judge others.  Ultimately that will fall in God's hands.  Judge not lest ye be judged.  And it makes my life so much easier.  I don't have the time or energy to worry about how other people are living their lives.  Maybe I should be flattered that I am important enough to them that they spend time talking about me, because I never think about them!