The Triple Threat - Feelings of Self-pity, Loneliness and Selfishness

Why is it human nature to focus on the negative instead of the positive?  The experts tell me that I have experienced a form of grief although I am not sure that they have fully studied what the spouse of an convicted felon really feels and experiences.  Over two years into this and I am still searching for answers in what I am feeling and how to handle everything that is put in front of me.

All I have to do is watch the morning news shows to see people and families who are in a much worse situation than I am.  We are all healthy and no one requires any medications or specialized medical care.  I have managed to keep a roof over our heads and not feel overly stressed that we could loose our home, at least up until now.  We have food on the table whenever anyone is home long enough to sit down and eat, although the kids might argue that it may not be exactly what they want to eat.  I have a fairly reliable car that is paid for and gets us all where we need to go.  I have job that allows me flexibility due to my family situation. 

I could go on and on about all the positives so I know that there are many things that are good in my life and that I should be happy about.  But then something hits me, and I feel all the bad things come rushing in.  I get up every morning and spend everyday living for my children.  Everything I do is to make sure that they are going to be happy, healthy and normal.  Even going to work becomes something I do to make sure I can hold our lives together for another pay period.  Even the days I take off are counted and rationed out so I can have enough to last the year to go to all the functions and trips that are necessary to meet the needs of all the other people around me.  I have to allow for unexpected days when a kid might be home sick from school, an out of town family emergency or to plan for that once a year trip to visit dad.  There are days when it seems like every action I take to for someone else and I suddenly wonder "who is taking care of me?". 

It is coming up on two years now that my Mom has been gone, but truthfully she would have told you that I was the type of kid she never had to worry about, so why would she worry about me as an adult.  The physical distance between us also made it harder for her to connect with her grandchildren and be a bigger part of my life when I needed her to be there.  With my Dad's dementia, he is fading and can not offer me the support that I seem to be searching for at times.  My brother is busy taking care of my dad and that is more important right now.

Is that my problem or is it the same for everyone?  It is so easy for me to believe that everyone else is more important than me.  Shouldn't I be important to someone once in a while?  Is it selfish of me to wish that there was someone here to take care of me once in awhile, someone else to make a few decisions, someone else to make dinner tonight, someone else to put their shoes back on to go make that last late night pickup or someone to simply just put me first.  Is it selfish to think that in my world of home, work and activities that I still feel like the loneliest person in the world?  Am I supposed to be brave, smile and keep my chin up every day?  Or is it OK to be selfish once in a while, to wallow in self-pity and wish my life could be different? 

I am still looking for that manual that tells me how I am supposed to be living this life but I have not found it yet.  Maybe my library just has not received their copy yet, so if anyone knows where I can find it let me know.  I look for words of wisdom in my faith, and in the experiences of others, and I take what I can, but words on a page just can't compare to a well intentioned hug and knowing that for a moment you have nothing to worry about.