What Do You Say?

Who would have thought that the kid who has not stopped talking since the day she was born would be left speechless. There have been a few occasions recently when I did not know what to say or spent more thinking about what to say than actually talking.



Not to long ago my mother-in-law actually said that I had her permission "to find someone else, even if it was only someone temporarily". How do you respond to that? I was speechless. On so many levels that was just wrong. Why would she think I would need her permission? Or what makes her think I could so easily turn my back on my husband, even if it was temporary. Apparently she finds it easy to do. My vows mean so much more to me than she will ever understand, not being an overly spiritual person I do not think it would occur to her how much they mean to me.

I had no response for her, this was her son she was talking about. What kind of mother could be so callous about her son and his well being? Left me speechless and dumbfounded. I debated over whether to share that conversation with my husband, so I ultimately left it up to him. He said that he did want to hear what she had said to me, and after I told him I am not really sure how he processed the information. Again these are things he will have to deal with and think about when the time comes.

The second time was when I was talking to a distant family member who was not aware of the situation, she asked what my husband did for a living and was just generally being polite and curious. Oh no! How do I respond to that? The situation I had been dreading for the longest time. I thought carefully about the best way to answer that question and settled on the truth in it's simplest form. This lead to additional questions and again I carefully thought about each response, but overall it was a positive conversation. I had crossed another hurdle. I had answered the one question I had not been looking forward to. Would I answer the question the same way every time it is asked? Probably not, but I have tackled it once and on I go.

There are so many unique moments in my life now that few people get to experience. I am blessed with the ability to continue to learn about myself, grow, evolve, and change for the better. So many people, when they reach my stage in life, no longer change, but I have been giving a second chance to keeping learning and becoming the good person we all strive for.

Quiet Calm

It has been awhile since I have added an entry, things have reached a calm period right now. Spent thanksgiving with my dad and had a chance to spend some time with cousins. Getting together with them was wonderful. I was able to laugh, have fun and talk about the situation with my husband with people who really care about how we are doing.

Facing the Christmas season alone has me feeling overwhelmed and sad most of the time. I am trying to put on the appearance that the holidays are a joyfully time of the year. I embrace the reason for the season so much more than some that I would not mind skipping the hustle and bustle of the holidays and just celebrate the religious aspects of the season, but unfortunately I could not do that to the children. Christmas is a many faceted holiday and to take that away from the kids would not be anything I could live with. As it is, it is going to be a skimpy holiday for gifts.

Not to sound so down, things are actually going pretty well, at least as well as can be expected. The kids are thriving, and performing well everyday. All of them had an A average for the first quarter in school, all excel at their fall and winter sports and are still able to live everyday finding joy in what they do. My oldest has his first girlfriend, and is slowly becoming an adult. I have my small circle of friends who keep track of me and make sure we are all doing well. But no one can really appreciate the loneliness that I feel when I sit back and realize that I am still without my partner and will be for almost 4 years.

As I write I think of so much more to add, but they are long enough to be topics themselves, and I will save them for another day. The calmness scares me because history shows me that the calm never lasts...eventually something sends everything spinning.