I started this blog because I thought I could not possibly be the only one trying to survive on the outside as a spouse of an inmate. I was looking to connect with other people who knew what it was like to visit your loved one in prison, deal with family and friends who did not quite understand what you were going through and seem to put parts of your life on hold while you just wait. And over the life of the blog, your responses have told me that I was right.
Have I met anyone directly because of this blog? No. But I have been privileged to talk, e-mail and chat with some of the finest people this world has to offer. They are people who know a deeper love than most people will ever get to experience. They have decided that they are willing to wait, endure the humiliation and offer all the support they can physically offer to someone who made a few bad choices in their life.
I wanted to offer a road map for others to follow since I would have loved a few sage words of advice, but instead I have been inspired by the strength that I see in these people and by the love that I feel in knowing that I am not alone in my experiences. We are all at different points of the journey and we all respond in different ways, but as a whole I would declare all these people to be the greatest role models that we could ever offer.
There is a strength within each one of them that gives me the confidence to know that we will all get through this, survive and even prosper. They have courage to get up every day and keep fighting, whether it be to just make it through another day or to stand up and fight the system that continues to lock up our loved ones because of ignorance and political gain. They all possess an awesome ability to look beyond the surface and see people for who they really are and see the inner kindness that others seem to miss. They refuse to judge other people based only on what they hear, learning to form their own judgments based on their own experiences and perceptions. Their capacity for loving another human being makes them someone that I would seek out and gladly call my friend.
Others may look at us and wonder what kind of person would choose to stay with a felon, prisoner, or convict? What is wrong with us that we do not leave? But I am here to tell you that I would seek out these people knowing that they would make the greatest friends anyone could ever hope to have. I have been blessed to meet some people in a similar situation and I will have you know that they have become wonderful friends to me in the short time that I have known them. The relationship that we share is similar to a relationship that has many years and experiences behind it. I lost some of those lifelong relationships in this process, but I am so much more confident in the new ones that I now have.
I wish that the on-line groups had a category called "Convict Lover" because I would reach out and make friends with all of them. You could do no better if you can claim even just one of us as a friend.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Counseling for the Spouses of Inmates
I once spoke to an "expert" who called us the forgotten victims, but when my husband stopped paying him due to his incarceration I was once again forgotten. Sarcasm aside, when all of this started I was constantly looking for a place to turn for advice, sympathy or just an nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on. I had a very hard time finding anything.
I happened to be at the family physicians office the day after the news hit the papers for one of my children, and I was an emotional wreck, so believe it or not, the doctor saw me without an appointment. Maybe it was the crying uncontrollably in the waiting room that encouraged a quick visit. He prescribed some anti-anxiety medication and referred me to a counselor and sent me on my way. I called the counselor and took her first available appointment. She was very nice, but like most people I knew, she had very little experience dealing with people in my situation. They deal with victims, anger, grief, and all those emotions that the general population deals with everyday but they don't often have someone walk in their door who has lived a middle class life only to have everything shattered by crime and incarceration.
I continued to see her for about a year, and although I did enjoy venting with her, I felt at times that my life was more like a soap opera, and that she needed to catch up on what happened from one episode to another when I came in. Did I ever have any brilliant "ah ha" moments...no. But I did like talking with someone who could remain objective.
I also had the opportunity to sit with the "expert" and a whole group of spouses for a research project about us as the forgotten victims. I felt energized sitting in a room with all these women who faced the same situation and were all dealing with it differently. Some held their heads high and keep moving forward while others admitted to hiding in bed and not wanting to leave their homes. Even when the group meeting officially ended, we continued to talk and share stories outside. It was an inspiring moment for me, and one I looked forward to being a part of again. It was at this time that my husband's incarceration was looming so he was tying up loose ends and ended his sessions with this Dr. so I guess my time ended with him as well. I was never invited back to the group.
Even during the time when I was seeing my counselor, I still felt the need to connect with other people in my shoes. I found some groups through the Internet, but nothing was local for me. I found many on-line forums which I tried. The forums allowed me to ask some questions, and remain anonymous, but many times I did not get answers to my questions. I think it may be because on-line there is no real commitment to be there every day. Some one who might have the answer to my question might not log on for a day or two and may never see my question if they are not looking where I posted it. No fault to the forums, I have found them to be a valuable resource for information, they just did not work for me to fill that need for sympathetic friendship. Call me old fashioned but I would much rather pick up the phone and call someone, than spend 20 minutes texting comments back and forth. I can't hear their laughter, hear the smile in their voice and get a true indication of their real emotional state just by reading a typed message. I have had the privilege of meeting, and talking with some wonderfully strong women via e-mail and on the phone and they have continued to inspire me to keep going.
So I continued looking. It was during all this that I started this blog. I thought if I was out there looking then other people must be looking too. This is not the first time this happened and it won't be the last. I have found comfort in the e-mails and comments that I have received and continue to receive from readers. I hope that I can only pave the way for those who are unfortunately following in my footsteps.
It was also the same time that I decided that if I could not find a group to join then maybe I could start my own. I placed a phone call to a counselor through the Federal system that my husband had worked with and was I surprised to learn that another group had just started and they were actually having a meeting that night. There was no way I could make that meeting but I called right away and made sure I was on the list for the next one.
As a group, we share our stories, we share information and resources, but most of all we are active in trying to effect change for our loved one. Some of us are spouses, many are parents, there are siblings and friends all with a common bond and a hope of a future goal. We are a sub group of one of the many national campaigns to change the laws of this country that seem to effect so many, but we are making a difference.
I can not begin to tell you how wonderful it is to sit in a room where people know your story, but make no judgments and offer nothing but support and love. I still use my on-line forums and groups from time to time but I am in awe of the support I receive from my new group. We are not a family by blood, but are family by circumstance.
I happened to be at the family physicians office the day after the news hit the papers for one of my children, and I was an emotional wreck, so believe it or not, the doctor saw me without an appointment. Maybe it was the crying uncontrollably in the waiting room that encouraged a quick visit. He prescribed some anti-anxiety medication and referred me to a counselor and sent me on my way. I called the counselor and took her first available appointment. She was very nice, but like most people I knew, she had very little experience dealing with people in my situation. They deal with victims, anger, grief, and all those emotions that the general population deals with everyday but they don't often have someone walk in their door who has lived a middle class life only to have everything shattered by crime and incarceration.
I continued to see her for about a year, and although I did enjoy venting with her, I felt at times that my life was more like a soap opera, and that she needed to catch up on what happened from one episode to another when I came in. Did I ever have any brilliant "ah ha" moments...no. But I did like talking with someone who could remain objective.
I also had the opportunity to sit with the "expert" and a whole group of spouses for a research project about us as the forgotten victims. I felt energized sitting in a room with all these women who faced the same situation and were all dealing with it differently. Some held their heads high and keep moving forward while others admitted to hiding in bed and not wanting to leave their homes. Even when the group meeting officially ended, we continued to talk and share stories outside. It was an inspiring moment for me, and one I looked forward to being a part of again. It was at this time that my husband's incarceration was looming so he was tying up loose ends and ended his sessions with this Dr. so I guess my time ended with him as well. I was never invited back to the group.
Even during the time when I was seeing my counselor, I still felt the need to connect with other people in my shoes. I found some groups through the Internet, but nothing was local for me. I found many on-line forums which I tried. The forums allowed me to ask some questions, and remain anonymous, but many times I did not get answers to my questions. I think it may be because on-line there is no real commitment to be there every day. Some one who might have the answer to my question might not log on for a day or two and may never see my question if they are not looking where I posted it. No fault to the forums, I have found them to be a valuable resource for information, they just did not work for me to fill that need for sympathetic friendship. Call me old fashioned but I would much rather pick up the phone and call someone, than spend 20 minutes texting comments back and forth. I can't hear their laughter, hear the smile in their voice and get a true indication of their real emotional state just by reading a typed message. I have had the privilege of meeting, and talking with some wonderfully strong women via e-mail and on the phone and they have continued to inspire me to keep going.
So I continued looking. It was during all this that I started this blog. I thought if I was out there looking then other people must be looking too. This is not the first time this happened and it won't be the last. I have found comfort in the e-mails and comments that I have received and continue to receive from readers. I hope that I can only pave the way for those who are unfortunately following in my footsteps.
It was also the same time that I decided that if I could not find a group to join then maybe I could start my own. I placed a phone call to a counselor through the Federal system that my husband had worked with and was I surprised to learn that another group had just started and they were actually having a meeting that night. There was no way I could make that meeting but I called right away and made sure I was on the list for the next one.
As a group, we share our stories, we share information and resources, but most of all we are active in trying to effect change for our loved one. Some of us are spouses, many are parents, there are siblings and friends all with a common bond and a hope of a future goal. We are a sub group of one of the many national campaigns to change the laws of this country that seem to effect so many, but we are making a difference.
I can not begin to tell you how wonderful it is to sit in a room where people know your story, but make no judgments and offer nothing but support and love. I still use my on-line forums and groups from time to time but I am in awe of the support I receive from my new group. We are not a family by blood, but are family by circumstance.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Celebrating the Little Things
I did it!!! Well I didn't really do anything except pay for it...but for me that was a great accomplishment. Today I took my oldest son to the Orthodontist and he finally had his braces removed! Celebrate!
It has been a process that started when he was 8 or 9, we could not really remember, with all the different stages. We had just begun the full braces when the world changed for us, so needless to say I still had them to pay for. You can't just stop in the middle and tell the Dr. to take them off because you can't afford to pay for them.
One lump sum to start with and then a very large coupon book. The payment was enough for a small used car. Many months it was late and in actuality I went beyond the original payment terms but I finally got them paid for earlier this year. I thought that was a great accomplishment until I got to see my son smile with a beautiful, straight and healthy smile.
I am sure he is glad to finally get them off, but I am the one who feels like doing cart wheels. To me it means so much more. It means that I was able to do what I needed to do to get them paid for, drive him back and forth every 5 to 6 weeks for all those appointments and make sure we did everything we were supposed to do to end up with a healthy smile. It is a seemingly small accomplishment, yet for me it feels so important, I am sure when I look back on all of this there will be many, but for right now it is one of the tangible ones that I can be proud of.
Someone told me last week that I am doing a great job and someday my kids will tell me that they appreciate everything I did. However, they also said it probably will not be for another 5 or 10 years. If that is indeed the case, then I have to take those feelings of accomplishment whenever and wherever I can get them. These are the things that get me through the days when nothing seems to be going my way.
It also means that more time has passed and we are another milestone closer to my husband coming home, although he will only see the smile in pictures for now. The picture of his new smile is already in the mail and on the way to Dad so he can see it to. It is a time to celebrate an accomplishment, in this time of our lives we look for reasons to celebrate anything.
I need to hang on to this feeling for a long time, because although my daughter does not need braces, (yeah!) my youngest probably will. So I am already planning 1 to 2 years ahead to prepare for the cost. I would love to pay once and be done, but it is nice to know that if I need to makes payments I can. I just hope all the work and effort lasts longer than the small used car I could have bought.
It has been a process that started when he was 8 or 9, we could not really remember, with all the different stages. We had just begun the full braces when the world changed for us, so needless to say I still had them to pay for. You can't just stop in the middle and tell the Dr. to take them off because you can't afford to pay for them.
One lump sum to start with and then a very large coupon book. The payment was enough for a small used car. Many months it was late and in actuality I went beyond the original payment terms but I finally got them paid for earlier this year. I thought that was a great accomplishment until I got to see my son smile with a beautiful, straight and healthy smile.
I am sure he is glad to finally get them off, but I am the one who feels like doing cart wheels. To me it means so much more. It means that I was able to do what I needed to do to get them paid for, drive him back and forth every 5 to 6 weeks for all those appointments and make sure we did everything we were supposed to do to end up with a healthy smile. It is a seemingly small accomplishment, yet for me it feels so important, I am sure when I look back on all of this there will be many, but for right now it is one of the tangible ones that I can be proud of.
Someone told me last week that I am doing a great job and someday my kids will tell me that they appreciate everything I did. However, they also said it probably will not be for another 5 or 10 years. If that is indeed the case, then I have to take those feelings of accomplishment whenever and wherever I can get them. These are the things that get me through the days when nothing seems to be going my way.
It also means that more time has passed and we are another milestone closer to my husband coming home, although he will only see the smile in pictures for now. The picture of his new smile is already in the mail and on the way to Dad so he can see it to. It is a time to celebrate an accomplishment, in this time of our lives we look for reasons to celebrate anything.
I need to hang on to this feeling for a long time, because although my daughter does not need braces, (yeah!) my youngest probably will. So I am already planning 1 to 2 years ahead to prepare for the cost. I would love to pay once and be done, but it is nice to know that if I need to makes payments I can. I just hope all the work and effort lasts longer than the small used car I could have bought.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Taking Time for Myself
I spend almost every hour of every day taking care of someone else's needs. I wake in the morning, force myself to do my treadmill work, so I can stay healthy for everyone else, then the rest of the day belongs to someone else. I have to get the kids up and moving, off to school, practices or church and then I head off to work. At work, I am the "parent" there as I am the only female working with up to 20 males and my position is one where I know everything that is going on so I am the one everyone comes to. I keep things moving smoothly there and keep everyone on course. Then it is time to head home, I need to pick up someone from here or there while trying to get some kind of dinner on the table.
My day does not end there. Time to do homework, laundry, dishes or any of the thousands of other tasks that may be screaming to be accomplished. In any of the free time I have during the day, I am doing research and reading current legislation to keep up to date on the criminal system that I am now a part of. Writing my husband his daily letter is the last thing I do just before I go to sleep. Before I know it, it is time for bed so I can start it all over again the next day.
Don't take this as a complaint because most days I enjoy having a job and a goal to keep me moving and thinking every day, but I also understand that a person can not keep doing for others.without sometimes taking time for themselves. I have learned to recognize these times in myself. They seem to solve themselves in one of two ways, either I have a melt down and have to take a "me" vacation or my mind seems to just shut down and I don't want to think.
My little vacations may be just parking myself in front of the television for the afternoon and doing absolutely nothing, or maybe just doing something that I want to do regardless of what other people think. Hanging out in the hammock reading a good novel or spending the day with friends who do all the cooking are other vacations I have taken. It ends up being a time when I don't spend all my time worrying about what I should be doing or who needs me to do something.
The times when my brain seems to shut down are a bit more difficult to describe, I have been going through one of those times most recently. My mind does not want to put forth any information, the thought of writing another letter just seems to overwhelming. I don't want to read another article or news story, I don't want to deal with any major problems at work. All I want to do is learn...seems odd, but it is during this time that I am drawn to the library and I come home with a stack of books to read. My mind is a sponge that needs to be wrung out because it is too heavy, then once it is empty it needs to be refilled with something different. Fiction novels, biographies, self-help, inspirational, any thing that is going to relight the spark and get me moving again is fair game.
I need to be refueled, I need to find those powerful words that are going to inspire me to keep going. I need to feel reassured that this too shall pass and that we will all be the better for it. I need to know that there are people out there who face far graver situations than my own and yet survive and flourish.
I have finished 3 or 4 books this week and have a few more to get through. I actually read 2 or 3 at a time. I always keep one in the car for the hours I spend waiting to pick someone up from someplace. I write down words and phrases that inspire me and feel the energy coming back.
I need to get there soon because I am off to spend some time with family. It has been a year since my mother passed away and we will be getting together to remember her. I may need one more trip to the library for something really, really funny to make me laugh out loud.
I am not sure if any one way is better than another, but I am sure that they are better than doing nothing at all. It could be pretty scary if I did not find a way to regroup. I am learning to read my own emotions and learning how to handle them in a world in which I seem to have little direct control, I am just following the flow of the river and trying to keep from falling out of the raft.
My day does not end there. Time to do homework, laundry, dishes or any of the thousands of other tasks that may be screaming to be accomplished. In any of the free time I have during the day, I am doing research and reading current legislation to keep up to date on the criminal system that I am now a part of. Writing my husband his daily letter is the last thing I do just before I go to sleep. Before I know it, it is time for bed so I can start it all over again the next day.
Don't take this as a complaint because most days I enjoy having a job and a goal to keep me moving and thinking every day, but I also understand that a person can not keep doing for others.without sometimes taking time for themselves. I have learned to recognize these times in myself. They seem to solve themselves in one of two ways, either I have a melt down and have to take a "me" vacation or my mind seems to just shut down and I don't want to think.
My little vacations may be just parking myself in front of the television for the afternoon and doing absolutely nothing, or maybe just doing something that I want to do regardless of what other people think. Hanging out in the hammock reading a good novel or spending the day with friends who do all the cooking are other vacations I have taken. It ends up being a time when I don't spend all my time worrying about what I should be doing or who needs me to do something.
The times when my brain seems to shut down are a bit more difficult to describe, I have been going through one of those times most recently. My mind does not want to put forth any information, the thought of writing another letter just seems to overwhelming. I don't want to read another article or news story, I don't want to deal with any major problems at work. All I want to do is learn...seems odd, but it is during this time that I am drawn to the library and I come home with a stack of books to read. My mind is a sponge that needs to be wrung out because it is too heavy, then once it is empty it needs to be refilled with something different. Fiction novels, biographies, self-help, inspirational, any thing that is going to relight the spark and get me moving again is fair game.
I need to be refueled, I need to find those powerful words that are going to inspire me to keep going. I need to feel reassured that this too shall pass and that we will all be the better for it. I need to know that there are people out there who face far graver situations than my own and yet survive and flourish.
I have finished 3 or 4 books this week and have a few more to get through. I actually read 2 or 3 at a time. I always keep one in the car for the hours I spend waiting to pick someone up from someplace. I write down words and phrases that inspire me and feel the energy coming back.
I need to get there soon because I am off to spend some time with family. It has been a year since my mother passed away and we will be getting together to remember her. I may need one more trip to the library for something really, really funny to make me laugh out loud.
I am not sure if any one way is better than another, but I am sure that they are better than doing nothing at all. It could be pretty scary if I did not find a way to regroup. I am learning to read my own emotions and learning how to handle them in a world in which I seem to have little direct control, I am just following the flow of the river and trying to keep from falling out of the raft.
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