Counseling for the Spouses of Inmates

I once spoke to an "expert" who called us the forgotten victims, but when my husband stopped paying him due to his incarceration I was once again forgotten.  Sarcasm aside, when all of this started I was constantly looking for a place to turn for advice, sympathy or just an nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on.  I had a very hard time finding anything. 

I happened to be at the family physicians office the day after the news hit the papers for one of my children, and I was an emotional wreck, so believe it or not, the doctor saw me without an appointment.  Maybe it was the crying uncontrollably in the waiting room that encouraged a quick visit.  He prescribed some anti-anxiety medication and referred me to a counselor and sent me on my way.  I called the counselor and took her first available appointment.  She was very nice, but like most people I knew, she had very little experience dealing with people in my situation.  They deal with victims, anger, grief, and all those emotions that the general population deals with everyday but they don't often have someone walk in their door who has lived a middle class life only to have everything shattered by crime and incarceration.

I continued to see her for about a year, and although I did enjoy venting with her, I felt at times that my life was more like a soap opera, and that she needed to catch up on what happened from one episode to another when I came in.  Did I ever have any brilliant "ah ha" moments...no.  But I did like talking with someone who could remain objective. 

I also had the opportunity to sit with the "expert" and a whole group of spouses for a research project about us as the forgotten victims.  I felt energized sitting in a room with all these women who faced the same situation and were all dealing with it differently.  Some held their heads high and keep moving forward while others admitted to hiding in bed and not wanting to leave their homes.  Even when the group meeting officially ended, we continued to talk and share stories outside.  It was an inspiring moment for me, and one I looked forward to being a part of again.  It was at this time that my husband's incarceration was looming so he was tying up loose ends and ended his sessions with this Dr.  so I guess my time ended with him as well.  I was never invited back to the group.

Even during the time when I was seeing my counselor, I still felt the need to connect with other people in my shoes.  I found some groups through the Internet, but nothing was local for me.  I found many on-line forums which I tried.  The forums allowed me to ask some questions, and remain anonymous, but many times I did not get answers to my questions.  I think it may be because on-line there is no real commitment to be there every day.  Some one who might have the answer to my question might not log on for a day or two and may never see my question if they are not looking where I posted it.  No fault to the forums, I have found them to be a valuable resource for information, they just did not work for me to fill that need for sympathetic friendship.  Call me old fashioned but I would much rather pick up the phone and call someone, than spend 20 minutes texting comments back and forth.  I can't hear their laughter, hear the smile in their voice and get a true indication of their real emotional state just by reading a typed message.  I have had the privilege of meeting, and talking with some wonderfully strong women via e-mail and on the phone and they have continued to inspire me to keep going.

So I continued looking.  It was during all this that I started this blog.  I thought if I was out there looking then other people must be looking too.  This is not the first time this happened and it won't be the last.  I have found comfort in the e-mails and comments that I have received and continue to receive from readers.  I hope that I can only pave the way for those who are unfortunately following in my footsteps. 

It was also the same time that I decided that if I could not find a group to join then maybe I could start my own.  I placed a phone call to a counselor through the Federal system that my husband had worked with and was I surprised to learn that another group had just started and they were actually having a meeting that night.  There was no way I could make that meeting but I called right away and made sure I was on the list for the next one. 

As a group, we share our stories, we share information and resources, but most of all we are active in trying to effect change for our loved one.  Some of us are spouses, many are parents, there are siblings and friends all with a common bond and a hope of a future goal.  We are a sub group of one of the many national campaigns to change the laws of this country that seem to effect so many, but we are making a difference. 

I can not begin to tell you how wonderful it is to sit in a room where people know your story, but make no judgments and offer nothing but support and love.  I still use my on-line forums and groups from time to time but I am in awe of the support I receive from my new group.  We are not a family by blood, but are family by circumstance.