Tears of sorrow...and Tears of Joy

Why is it that some of us have one emotional response for both joy and sorrow?  I have found that I have cried more in the last  three years than all the years of my life to date, that includes being a teenager.  Early on I cried at everything, it seemed the world around me was falling apart and I did not know what to do.  I cried for all I have lost, what was happening to my family, and the utter despair I was feeling.

I would cry at home, at church, in the car going anywhere or just sitting in the driveway, and every night before I would fall asleep.  It was in those tears that I found my strength.  It seems contrary to what you might think but I found support from people who truly cared.  I found I could hear my inner voice, the voice of God, pointing me in the right direction.  It was a release so that I did not completely fall apart and loose total control.

My son hated to see me cry and still hates it to this day, but he is learning that crying is not a sign of weakness.  It can be so much more.  I had the opportunity to explain to him that when I cry I am anything but weak, would a weak person have gotten us this far?  He has become more tolerant of the tears but I also try to be respectful of how it bothers him and try to control the frequency and locations.

However these days I find that my tears are more often tears of joy.  How is that possible?  My husband is in Federal Prison, my family has been ripped apart, my community does not embrace me as they once did, I am a single mom struggling to raise three children, my immediate family is getting smaller due to aging, and there are days when I feel just as lost as I did on day one.  So where do I find those moments of joy?  As time passes I am finding more reasons to be happy and joyful. 

I had to struggle to come up with extra money to let my daughter participate in a real special sports program and just last week she ended her season with her program.  At that last event she started crying because she was sad that her program was ending.  She had gotten so much out of the program with new friends, great coaching, and a tremendous improvement in skill that she was saddened that it was all ending for the season.  I turned and saw her crying, asked why and suddenly felt such joy in my heart.  Was it bad for me to feel joy at the sight of my daughter crying? Normally I would say yes, but if you understand that in her tears of sorrow, I felt that everything I had done over the last nine months, all the sacrifices I had made, all lead to that moment when she was feeling such grief that the program was over.  I had been able to give her an experience in her life that left her heart broken when it was over.  All my struggles had really paid off and her emotions were the best thanks I could have every received.

A friend recently asked me if I could scrape together enough money to attend a concert with her, I regrettably had to say no.  I would have loved to go with her, it would have been a fun adult night away from home.  A chance to forget all the bad and enjoy the moment.  Oh well...

Until I found out that she asked my son if he wanted to do something nice for his mom and buy my ticket to the concert.  He was suddenly asking me if I had any plans on the day of the concert without telling me why.  My son was buying my ticket to the concert so I could have a night out and enjoy myself.  He doesn't know that I know yet, but I am in awe of what a wonderful gesture it is on his part.  He has been working hard this summer at two different jobs and has been very cautious with his money, yet his mom is important enough to spend some of his money on.  How can I not be overwhelmed by what he is doing for me?

The joy I feel more and more is the joy I get from seeing all that I have been doing, the struggles and the sacrifice paying off with awesome kids.  Everyday I see my kids doing things and being people that I am so proud of. I see them helping others, being kind, being smart, and being happy.  It all just reinforces for me that someday the worst will be over, our lives will move on and we can all look forward to a future filled with buckets of tears of joy.