Getting ready for our yearly visit to see my husband. Getting anxious and hoping that everything goes well for the trip. It has been a year since we have all seen each other and there are always mixed feelings about the visit.
It is hard to believe how much we all change in just one year. Obviously the kids are taller, their faces changed and so do their personalities. The little toddlers and children are slowly being replaced by a six foot tall man with a hairy face when he goes without shaving who has become a graceful athlete, a responsible and reliable working man. A developed young lady who could stop traffic and charm anyone with her smile, the size of her heart and her intelligence. And a little boy who himself is no longer little being only a inch or two shorter than mom, still changing and growing and discovering who he wants to be and how he fits in this world.
I too am nervous about how I have changed. A few more gray hairs. I can say no extra pounds because I fight those everyday but my body is fighting back by changing on it's own. I am a middle aged mom and with that all that comes with it. I am worried that I have changed too much. One extra laugh line, or one more age spot and I won't be who he remembers me to be. I have changed so much emotional, spiritually and mentally too that I wonder if I am still even the same person I once was some time ago. My world has changed in so many ways that who I am and how I live are so different than they once were.
When we sit with him, what do we talk about? How do you relive a whole year in one small visit? We seem to run out of things to talk about but that is because we live and survive in two very different worlds. My world is the world on the outside, trying to be happy and do what is right by those who count on us. With that comes the freedom to go and do whatever we want and the decisions that need to be made in that world every moment that we are breathing. He lives in a world where all the decisions are made for him. What to eat, what to wear, where to be, what to do and what not to do. So much of our last few years, my husband has not been apart of. I send pictures and tell as many stories as I can remember throughout the year, but I know it is never really enough. I cannot begin to imagine how it has effected him, with all that he is missing. Survival is his main focus and doing what he is expected so he gets home as quickly as possible.
Our lives are so different and seemingly unconnected. We cannot begin to know his everyday life and he cannot imagine what it is like on the outside without loosing focus on keeping himself safe, following the rules and working on just getting out. Focusing on the outside hurts too much, it reminds him of all that he has lost and what he will never get back. It does cause him to regret his actions and fuels his will power to survive, get out and make amends for his mistakes. Yet there are so many things, places and people that keep us connected. I feel that connection in the letters, the phone calls and the once a year visits. It is still there and we are trying so hard to keep it there.
There is joy in this visit, because as time progresses and within the federal system, this may be our last big visit to the big house. He will not be home yet this time next year but he will hopefully be preparing to get closer to home. With a son off to college next year, this trip will not be possible but also not completely necessary. Maybe a quick visit in the spring and then he could be back in the area around holiday time next fall. So the seemingly endless sentence that he received does have an end. We are by no means at the end of the tunnel but I can see the light in the distance and with every passing day it gets a bit brighter and bigger.
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