Happy (Non)Anniversary

Yesterday was a hard day, it marks my 20th wedding anniversary.  So many feelings to deal with that it is difficult to know how to express it all. 

How do you celebrate a wedding anniversary when there is only one of you?  Is is really a marker of an anniversary?  Should it even be celebrated?  You are still married on paper but very little in your life would look or feel like a marriage.  If you asked people who have met me in the last few years about my marital status, most would probably not know how to answer that question.  Many would respond that they have often wondered about that themselves.  I don't advertise my situation and don't offer an explanation, but I am sure people are curious because I still wear my wedding rings. 

I have a pen pal right now, not sure he could be classified as a husband.  It breaks my heart to think that but he is such a small part of our lives right now that I can not help but feel that way.  I got a card in the mail from him and a phone call but could he have done more?  He is not allowed any money, he is not allowed to call anyone not on his approved list, so what more could he do?  He could have drawn a picture, wrote a poem, copied a poem, or even wrote someone else to ask for help doing something special.  Is it wrong for me to hope he would do something to mark this milestone?  Twenty years is a long time and given everything I have endured on his behalf in the last few years, isn't it something that should be marked with more than a simple greeting card?

Part of the anxiety also comes from thoughts that after we get through the period of incarceration, will we have marriage that survives or will it all start to crumble?  Will we both have changed too much to live under the same roof and be partners again?  There is not a day that goes by that I worry about how prison is changing him.  How is it affecting who he is as a person?  Will he be the same person he was when he went in?  I wonder if he will be more aggressive or even more withdrawn.  Will he be more outgoing or more reserved?  Something as simple as the language he uses and the way he talks could be changed.  What does the future hold for the longevity of our marriage? 

Am I changing too much to have him come home?  I am even more independent than I was before.  Necessity has made me the boss in our home.  All the decisions are mine to make, whether right or wrong.  I have learned to survive on my own.  Will I be able to give up some of the responsibilities and decision making and start sharing all that again? 

We have celebrated other anniversaries while he was incarcerated and with little impact, but for some reason the fact that it is our 20th seems to bother me more.  It should be a time of celebration and honoring the vows that have lasted for a long time, but instead it is a quiet day that passes with no indications that it is anything special.  I used to get a card from my Mom on our anniversary, but that now no longer comes either.  In this day and time when marriages do not last very long, a marriage that lasts should be celebrated.  Maybe our marriage has yet to prove that it has lasted and any celebrations should be postponed until a time when the marriage has reached that time.  A time when it is evident that it has survived the "better or for worse, the richer and for poorer and in the sickness and in health", then it will be time to celebrate.

I hope for a day when our marriage can be celebrated as two people who stuck together, survived the worst, supported each other, changed and grew for the better, and continued to love each other and be partners until death us do part.