Communication is the Key to Strong Families

It is funny that I always seem to keep coming back to the same frustrations with the system.  I have talked to many people and my husband has contact with many inmates and it seems that the greater percentages of relationships do not last when dealing with incarceration.  I can solve the whole thing for you with one word COMMUNICATION!  The "experts" claim that the best way to prevent reoffending is a strong family support system and a welcoming environment for the ex-offender to return to. But the practices put in place seem to encourage just the opposite.

I have made a decision at this point to stay with my husband and do whatever it takes to ensure that he can come home to stay with us.  I married him for better or worse, (if this is the "worse", I have many years of "better" to look forward to) and I plan on honoring those vows.  I am finding that this decision is a constant uphill battle.  Usually we have three 15 minute phone calls during one week,  I try to write and mail one letter everyday during the work week, and there is the quick e-mail that is available but costs him money every time he is on the e-mail system.  And yet with all of these resources, there does not seem to be enough time to tell him everything a father and a husband should know.  Having him located nine hours away does not help either.  We have been able to see him two times in the last 2 1/2 years. 

Everyday when I am driving to work or home I think about all the things I want to tell him; something funny one of the kids did, a recent sporting event where one of them excelled, something nice someone in the community said about him, family updates or just something that I thought he would like to hear.  Unfortunately, I always seem to forget something.  There are too many distractions when I am writing, too tired by then to remember everything, not enough time on the phone, or trying to limit the lengths of e-mail because of monetary constraints.

There is so much that he is missing, the day to day monotony of daily life.  And selfishly I am missing talking to my best friend as often as I would like or need to.  I miss sharing my day with someone, complaining about work or the kids or deciding who is going to make dinner and then clean up.  I wonder if I have gotten out of the habit of talking about everything and nothing.  When he does come home will we both have to learn how to communicate all over again?

Is that what destroys these relationships?  It is hard work to keep this up day after day after being mom and dad to three kids.  I still have to make time for him every night with a letter.  He deserves that much of my time.  I was shocked when I learned that he had been told that the letters would eventually stop, who gives up on something so important so easily?  It is hard, I will admit that, but being married is hard too.

There are things that the Bureau of Prisons could do to make it easier, but for their own reasons, they believe that what they are doing is acceptable.  I would love to argue that point with them anytime.  Better locations, closer to families, more monthly phone time and more readily available access to e-mail.  I can't even begin to question visiting policies, because that does not factor into our lifestyle enough to be a problem.  But I have talked with others to know that visitations do not always go as smoothly as they could based on rules, locations and time of day or week.

Are these offenders being set up to fail when they get out?  Are we creating a population that moves in and out of our prison systems to make sure that communities keep their largest employers, employees keep their jobs and companies keep their biggest customers?  Why don't we take all the money that flows in and out of the prison system and put it into education.  Communities can create new schools instead of prisons, employees can work in the schools instead of the prisons or at locations that offer alternatives to incarceration for the more minor offenders, and companies supply to the schools instead.  Thinks about how smart our population would be with all the education if it was made affordable for everyone.  We would not need as many prisons because a higher educated population is less likely to break the laws.  What an interesting cycle we could create.   We would have whole families living under one roof, the number one prevention of crime is a two parent household, and put an end to the vicious cycle of one generation after another ending up in prison.