Energy and Chaos Equals Joy

What a hectic week in our house last week!  I picked my son up from the airport on Saturday night and from then on we never stopped until the following Saturday. 

With the Thanksgiving holiday we already had plans to spend the day out of town with family but throw in there all the running around that normally goes with the holiday and having all the kids in the house for a week and what a week.  The two in school still had sports practices even when school was out, and that meant trips back and forth to school.  With my oldest home from college and no car, that meant car sharing or dropping him off and picking him up from everywhere.  He was able to get rides to some places but I think he filled every hour of his week home with plans with someone.  I think he slept at home only half the time he was home. 

We spent a nice holiday surrounded by family.  It was a time filled with laughter, smiles and plenty of food and drinks.  It seems to me that we should be able to find reasons throughout the year to do this more than once.  It is nice to spend the time with family just enjoying each other without worrying about gifts, travel and other "reasons" to get together.  

On the first weeknight that we were all home, we all got home late from the high school open house and while I was trying to throw together a quick dinner, my oldest actually sat in the kitchen with me for almost an hour talking about everything.  He did not turn on the TV or any video games, he actually hung out in the kitchen talking with Mom!  That was the best hour of the whole week and I would not trade that time for anything. 

It was that same night that my daughters boy friend was over and later some of my oldest son's friends showed up at the house.  The house was full of laughter, chaos and smiles.  For a snapshot moment, all in the universe was wonderful and my life was absolutely perfect.  I would not trade that moment for any amount of money or trinkets in the world.  I would not have even traded our situation for that either, because if it was not for the experiences that we have been through, I would not fully appreciate that moment.

Life is good!  It is not perfect and it will never be, but there are some moments that are closer than others.  I am not sure what the future holds for us all, but I do know that it is certainly not all bad.  There is no way that a house full of such joy and energy could be anything but a bright spot.  I have tried to raise my children to look toward the future, strive for greatness, look to the positive in any situation, and model that behavior myself.  They say that when you do something long enough, it becomes a habit, so this has become the natural routine in our house and for that we are now seeing the benefits.

With Rejection Comes Certainty

Not sure where to start with this one, it has been a while since my last post because I have been mulling over the events of the last month and trying to make peace with them. 

My husband had put in his written request to be considered for the other halfway house in this district and we had hopes that all would turn out in our favor.  He finally got his answer and it was not as we had hoped.  He had been approved by the BOP (Bureau of Prisons) to go to a halfway house in early December, pending approval of a halfway house.  The halfway houses both came back with an answer of no.  We do not know why they rejected his request, it could be for any number of reasons, but whatever the reasons, it did not make the news any better.

I actually took the news much better than I would have expected a few months ago, and for some reason my immediate response was one of calm and intelligence.  Immediately I started thinking and planning for his actual release date.  Since he did not get any halfway house time he will need to stay there until his official release date.  That means though, that on his release date, I can pick him up at the gate and drive him anywhere we want to go. 

The halfway house would have been wonderful to have him back in the area, but it also came with a tremendous amount of uncertainty like; how close to his December date could they get him in?  how long before he would be given some freedoms? how long would he staying there? and any number of other questions that could not be answered until we went through everything.  But now, there is a certainty to the end of this phase.  On a Friday morning in June, I will get to drive up to the correctional center and wait for him to walk out the door and get in the car so we can drive away.  Ultimately we will get to come right home and be a family again.  I know when it will happen, I know how it will happen and I can now make plans for the time leading up to the release and for the time after.  It would have been nice to have him close by for the holidays and all the upcoming spring events but the thought of him being able to come home far outweighs any disappointment with waiting a few more months.  In reality, it works out to waiting just another 6 months before he can come home.

As of this moment, we have a little more than 7 months left.  It seems odd to finally be talking in terms of months instead of years.  So much will happen in those remaining seven months but thinking about the upcoming summer as a family, holidays together and what the future holds, 7 months is a small time to wait.

Steps of a Federal Prison Visit

The annual trip for us to head out to visit my husband was a time of bittersweet emotions.  Just knowing that we are going to get to see him is the incentive to go through all the hoops that they require visitors to jump through.  But the anxiety and apprehension that starts days before the visit, I could easily do without. 

It is a feeling that is hard to explain unless you have had to experience it for yourself.  Even though we were only able to visit once a year the knotted stomach, the aches, the anxiety and the depression are feelings that most people share just before a prison visit.  I have friends who visit their loved ones on a regular monthly basis, and still they go through the same emotional upheaval.  I can not imagine going through all those feelings much more often than once a year and yet there are those that do it much more often.  It is hard to explain where those feeling come from and why I let them get to me.  There are so many possibilities that swirl through my head as we are getting prepared for the trip.  Thoughts like, what if he is not allowed to visit us because he is the the SHU? or What if they won't let one of us in because we fail one of their tests? or What if the metal detector goes off and I can not figure out what is setting it off?  Just the thought of having to enter a federal prison facility to visit my husband is enough to put the anxiety front and center.

Driving up and seeing the barbed wire fences for the Medium facility as we head toward the Low facility turns my knuckles white on the steering wheel.  As we exit the car I can feel my stomach start to tie up in knots and a sense of uneasiness comes over me.  Though every facility is different, many things are the same.  At my husband's location we went into a "bus stop" type building to fill out our paperwork, put our name on the visitors list and wait to get called up to the next stop.  All the families in the bus stop develop a relationship and there is a natural rapport between everyone.  We all know why we are there, no one likes why we are there, and everyone has a horror story to share.  We wait patiently until the corrections officer is ready to call us up for the next stop.  She (I say she because it was the same woman for every visit we had with my husband) calls up a group and we silently walk up to the next building.  We drop off our forms and ID and take a seat in the visitor friendly waiting area (That was said with sarcasm by the way).  If it is your first visit, there are photos to be taken and other information that they collect, but I you have been here before, you sit and wait until they call you up again.

If your forms are all correct and they like everything else today, you get called to "sign the book" and get in line to pass through the metal detector.  As you are removing your shoes you are hoping that you are not wearing anything that will set off the detectors,  but if you are, be prepared to have the officer pass over the wand.  Once you have cleared all the screenings and the guards deem what you are wearing is acceptable, you get your hand stamped and have to get back in line to pass through the bars.  I have heard stories of people being turned away for the type of shoes, pants or shirts that they were wearing.  Even small children were sent out until they came back with something better to wear.  I wanted to cry during our last visit when I saw a three year old boy following the routine, passing through the metal detector and putting out his hand for his stamp.  He was only three years old and knew the routine inside and out, it was a sad thought that this was a normal part of his life. 

Passing through the first set of doors you walk up to the next set and wait there until they are opened and you can pass through.  From here you are entering the visitors room.  You are told where to sit and wait for your loved one.  When they finally come out, you get one hug and kiss and that is it.  We were allowed to hold hands but nothing more.  The inmates are not allowed to approach the vending machines or microwaves and yet we have a family picnic on plastic tables and vending machine food.

When it is time to leave, we get another hug and a kiss good bye and then we head to the door.  You get your ID back and they scan your hand for the secret mark that was put there when you came in.  You follow the same officer through the first door and then the same officer scans your hand again to pass through the second door.  Not sure why, it is the same officer and he walks down the hall with you.  What could have changed in that twenty feet?  But you do what you are told.

Passing through the second set of doors, signing the book as you leave and back out into the real world.  I am always so emotional drained by this point that I have to wait a bit before driving away to come back down to reality.  But this last time was different.  It is almost over, the time is passing and soon we can all be in the same state and eventually under the same roof.  The feelings I had knowing that this was my last visit is hard to explain other than the knowledge that I will never have to feel these feelings and anxiety ever again. 

The visits are very clinical but you take what you can get.  It makes me hug my children more and hug them longer.  There is a sense of appreciation for the freedoms that we do have and hope for the future.  I hope that all the families I see when we visit eventually get to be together again and no one finds themselves back inside those fences.

Here's My Sign

Came back from our vacation/prison visit feeling much different than that first trip down over 3 years ago.  The feeling when we walked out of the visitors room for the last time was an overwhelming sense of relief and  I could spend a whole posting talking about our last visit but that is not my intent today.  Today I want to share my latest hurdles that I have been forced to jump over.

We have been patiently waiting to find out about a final approval for my husband release to a "near-by" half way house and had originally been told that it should only take 90 days.  Here we are six months later and have not heard anything.  The counselor in my husbands unit had left, and the position remained unfilled so there was no one to track down any further information.  My husband has a working relationship with the Associate Warden so the warden agreed to look into it for him.

We had previously be told that when he was rejected from one halfway house in the area he would automatically be considered for a second house and we had hoped that he would get approved for the second house.  Other families in our area had been sent to the second house already so we were certain that ultimately he would end up there.  However, when the warden looked into all his paperwork and into the system he discovered that my husband had been denied by the first house (which we expected) way back in April.  It was never entered into the system so it continued to show a pending status.  I am not even going to get into the flaws in their "system", that would be another whole post. 

So needless to say my husband inquired about the automatic referral to the other house in the area and he got a completely different answer than we were expecting.  He was told that he would not automatically be considered for that house.  He would have to have someone on the outside contact his expected probation office and request that his probation be changed to a different office.  Keep in mind that both of these houses are in the same district, they are just in different cities so there would be no change in district.  That is not what happened with other people in the area so we did not understand why we were being told something different.
At this point I have no resolution as of yet and we are still in the middle of figuring it all out but this all leads me to what I wanted to share. 

When my husband laid this in front of me telling me that "if I was willing" this was now going to fall on my shoulders to get him home, my world caved in around me.  He did say that it was his mistake that got him there and he was not expecting me to do it, but asking if I was comfortable doing it.  He gave me the option to say "No". 

I had to take a step back and digest everything that was going on.  Here I am, a single parent not by choice, trying to raise three children on a limited income.  I have one as a freshman in college and two at home trying to maintain a normal life.  I work a full time job where I manage a small manufacturing company and wear many hats every day.  I am a taxi driver for activities and friends 24 hours a day.  I struggle with what little I can do for my ailing father as he is 3 hours away and in nursing care.  I juggle a few outside part-time jobs that I can do when my schedule permits and I spend what time I have left over working with a advocacy group to change the laws and the thinking regarding Federal Crimes and Prison.  Now you want to add calling federal probation employees and campaigning for my husband's release to a half way house?  When am I supposed to find the time and the energy to fight with a system that I already think is broken?  What more could you ask me to do?  How much more could I possibly put on my plate?  I asked myself these questions and so many more.  Do I just let it go and he stays in until his actual release?  How could I look my children in the eye knowing I did not do everything I could to get him nearer home sooner? 

I spend most of my days taking care of someone else, my kids, my co-workers, my father, my friends, my husband and my group, when is someone going to take care of me?  It sounded so selfish but it was what I was feeling.  How much more could be placed on my shoulders?  When is enough, enough?

I got my answer.  Just a few days after I got that awful information I ran into an acquaintance/friend at a public function.  He was always someone who was polite and always said hello.  His family was not one of the families that turned their backs on us, but we had always just had a polite relationship and that how it stayed.  We had the opportunity to talk for a while and he complimented me on my children and how respectful they are and have always been.  He praised me for how we as a family have handled a very difficult situation, and shared with me that his wife held me in high regard for how we have all come through this.  She can not imagine how I juggle all their events and activities, but yet I am always there.  The conversation went on for quite a while and it was one of the most positive conversations I have had with some one in my community in a long time.  I was amazed at the perspective that both he and his wife shared about our family and how I have handled everything. 

So here is my sign, it is not in my nature to be defeated, or at least defeated by apathy or lack of initiative.  I have never backed down or backed away and said that I can not do it.  I have faced the worst and come out on the other side.  I will tackle this hurdle like I have handled all those behind me.  With careful thought and planing, lots and lots of prayer, support from a small group of tremendous friends and the knowledge that I have become a role model for others I must face this challenge head held high.  It may not be my choice to be a role model, but by my actions, the decisions I have made, the choices put before me and my own nature I find myself being watched and admired by people I never even knew were looking.

View from a Child

My son wrote this paper as part of his senior project.  I was moved by what he wrote that I asked him if I could publish it here to share with you, so today's entry is written by my oldest son from his perspective.

2 is Not Always Better than 1

Growing up with one parent can be a blessing in disguise 

Growing up my family was the typical American family, happily married wife and husband with three amazing, young, and talented children. My sister, brother, and I were involved in sports throughout the year depending on the season, soccer in the fall, basketball in the winter, and, everyone’s favorite time of year, baseball season in the summer. My mom and dad were involved in everything we did. They would take us to practices and games not because they had to but because they wanted to. Some would say I had the perfect family growing up, and I didn’t disagree with them, but then suddenly my life was flipped upside down.

            My family was broken down and torn apart by someone that I looked up to and admired. My amazing family of five was now cut down to four struggling individuals. I had known people who only had one parent and I thought maybe that would be cool but I was totally unprepared for how hard it really is. The first year, which would have been my ninth grade year, was the hardest for everyone. My mom was struggling to raise three kids by herself that were used to getting what they wanted. I could see how bad it hurt her to not be able to buy us that one toy we wanted or going out to eat because she couldn’t afford it. Also adding to the situation, every social event we went to we were constantly being stared at and ignored. All the people we used to hang out with no longer were part of our lives. Fortunately my friends have stuck by my side and think nothing less of me because of the mistakes by someone in my family. I wish I could say the same for my sister, girls bullied and talked about her behind her back and still continue to today.

            After the first year things started to get better for my family, thanks to help of my mom’s boss for giving her extra money and also the ability to leave to get us places and attend all our games. My mom has kept this family together through the toughest situation imaginable and no one could have done that but her. As I grew up and become a sophomore and junior I realized what my mom sacrificed for my sister, brother, and I. I have also learned lessons that many kids will not learn for many more years. I have learned to persevere and fight through adversity. Growing up with only one parent showed me the true meaning of family and commitment that I wouldn’t have gotten if I grew up with that so called “perfect family”.

            Since that dreadful couple months when I was in eighth grade my mom, sister, brother and I have done nothing but push through and fight for each other. I had dreams of becoming a great athlete in high school and after I lost my family I thought that dream was gone. I persevered and remembered all those people that left my family when we needed them the most and that pushed me to show that the son of a thief and liar can achieve greatness. My sister and brother have also proved everyone wrong. My sister has played and started on varsity soccer and basketball as a freshman and continues to play travel league softball with only the highest level of competition while my brother is swimming on varsity as an eighth grader. I am proud of my family and how far we have come together and the future looks even brighter for a family of five that is just getting used to a family of four.   

Reading this I can not help but feel a great amount of pride in who my children are becoming and that the world is wide open for them to succeed in whatever they do.  They have always been my pride and my joy and will continue to do so.

Grief for Another, Offers Hope

I attended a memorial service this weekend of a very special man and great role model and because of that I think his story is important to share. 

This man, lets call him Joe, was born and raised in the small community that we moved into.  He was a natural part of the community while we were transplants and did not always feel completely welcomed.  Joe however, had grown up, went away to college, worked in Washington D.C. for a while, married someone from outside the immediate community and then eventually settled back home again.  Joe was active in the community, serving on various boards and volunteering.  He thought education was a gift and continued to educate himself in all areas.  I am not sure if it was because of his worldly experiences or just his kind nature, but from the very first day that we met Joe, he made us feel like we had been friends for years and made us feel welcomed in a town that had a hard time accepting outsiders. 

Through the years, Joe was a good friend and always good for a smile.  His children became friends of my children and spent many hours between the houses.  Unfortunately, shortly before law enforcement crashed into our lives, his job presented another opportunity to move.  This time it was a few states away.  Joe and his family moved and it was then that we found ourselves deep within the justice system.  But it is at that time that we learned what a kind, christian man Joe was.  In the midst of all the trouble, Joe had to come back to prepare the house to sell, and at a time when no one in the community was talking to us, Joe came over and knocked on the door.  He talked like we were old friends, and he knew everything that had been reported and gossiped about.  How could he not?  It is a very small town after all.  He talked with us about all the things other people only had the nerve to gossip about.  He asked question after question and offered his support.  The entire time he was visiting, he talked with us and treated us no differently than he would have treated us before.  His kindness was something we all treasured during that dark time. 

Imagine my dismay when I learned that Joe, a man in the prime of middle age, had suffered a heart attack and passed away.  I immediately sent my condolences to the family and shared the awful news with my husband.  Which leads me to this past weekend.  Joe's family came back to the area to have a memorial luncheon for all of Joe's family and friends here.  The kids stopped over during the preceding days to visit and asked if we were coming to the luncheon.  Many of the people who would be attending are people that used to be my friends, I am not as stressed about being around them anymore, but I find that I don't really want to spend time with them anyway.  But it was important to me to attend and let Joe's wife know how wonderful her husband had been. 

I am not sure what happened, but when I had the chance to offer my sympathies to Joe's wife, I too fell apart and started crying.  I am not sure I completely understand why.  Is is because I see another wife left to raise her children as a single parent?  Is it because I see the outpouring of support for a "good guy" and his family that I never got?  Is it because my heart aches at seeing more loss?  Was I mourning the loss of a truly good man who had so much more to offer this world?  Is it the grief that I carry with me and is always just below the surface? 

I don't know if I will ever understand the emotions that caused the out burst, but I bet tongues were waging after we left.  But I don't care, I needed to let Joe's wife know how much her husband's friendship meant to me.  I don't know if he knew how much his kindness and open mindedness meant to us at such a low point in our lives, but I am sure he is now somewhere watching over us all, and I can assure you that I will try to live by his example.  With people like Joe leaving his mark on this world, there is hope that the world could someday live in peace and joy.

Who Called it Summer Vacation?

I would love to meet the first person who coined this time of year as summer vacation.  For the people who take responsibility for all those kids who are on a break from school, it is anything but a vacation.  Since my kids have been out of school for break or graduated my "summer vacation" has consisted of the following:
   Travel Softball league, payoffs and tournaments during the week and most weekends.
   Summer basketball two nights a week.
   Summer college orientation that consisted of a three day out of town visit.
   Week long science camp.
   Cross country training.
   Swimming for swim team.
   Various Dr.s  and dentist appointments.
   Another three day out of town trip to take college freshman to school.
   Out of town wedding.
   Soccer camp.
   School shopping.
And that list only consist of the extra summer activities,  that does not include all the other normal things that are part of my activities like working, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, general up keep of the house, and my own personal causes that get whatever of my time is left.  Sometimes that means working on my laptop in the softball parking lot during warm ups or breaks between games.  At times I feel pulled in so many directions that I can not truly enjoy where I am at any moment.

Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my kids and will gladly let the house get rumpled if it meant choosing between doing something with them or cleaning up.  But I am looking forward to the end of August when I get my REAL vacation, which consists of a prison visit, and the beginning of the regular school year.

It will be bittersweet in that my oldest son will be off to college as a freshman over 5 states away but that is one less schedule that I will be forced to juggle as the roll of single parent I have been forced into.  This will be the last late summer visit to a prison that we will ever have to make, so next year might really be a "summer vacation". But until that time I will try to enjoy the life I am living and relishing in the busyness of our days.
  

A Mother's Pride

I made it through my oldest son's graduation from high school.  It was one of the big events that I was dreading simply because it was one of the biggest events in my children's lives that my husband would miss.  It had become a defining moment of how our lives would be changed and how would we get through everything without him around.  It was the one moment my son focused on when he wrote his support letter to the sentencing judge and yet seemingly was ignored. 

It was a very hectic few days, but because of that we were all able to do what needed to get done and then just enjoy the time for what it was.  Like every other event my husband has missed, I took photos and videos of the highlights but I will admit that in the more relaxed time I just tried to sit back and enjoy the fun.  And yes, there was much fun and laughter in the house to be enjoyed by all.  Close friends came and shared in the weekend, and other family and friends came for an afternoon of celebration.  It was not a time to dwell on what we were missing but a time to look forward for what the future holds for everyone.

The only tears I shed over the last few days were tears of joy and pride in the young man who has overcome more than any child should be expected to, and managed to stay well grounded and successful.  He walked across that stage with his head held high and had the respect of his peers, teachers and many in the audience.  He has shown the world how to graciously handle adversity and still focus on the job at hand, never skipping a beat.  His own experiences have made him a better man and a force that will leave his mark on the world in a very positive way.

He has matured in ways that a parent can truly be proud of.  He has learned that there is nothing in this world that he should not try to strive for.  He is limited only by the scope of his own dreams and desires.  He has learned the power of the written word and his artistry with words will take him to places he can only begin to imagine. I tease him, but if he only remembers to use his secret weapon, his beautiful smile, the world will open up before him.

My hopes for him, are that he never believe that he is not good enough to try anything or that anyone else is better than him.  His determination and spirit more than make up for what he might be lacking in experience and knowledge.  And I wish him joy, happiness and the knowledge that his family will always love him no matter what path he takes in life.

A Challenge to Those Who Love a Federal Inmate

Five years ago I was little informed, you could even say ignorant, of some areas that I am now an expert in. I now spend so much of my time reading and researching about a system that is broken and in need of repair.  I am taking a few minutes to send out a challenge to all of you that have been touched in some way by the Federal Corrections system in the hopes that if we all speak out, eventually small things will change, leading eventually to bigger and better changes.

Back in 1984 Congress eliminated parole within the Federal System, so currently the only opportunity for any early release is in the calculation of their Good Time Credit.  The system is set up that any inmate sentenced for more than 12 months earns 54 days per year as a Good Time Credit.  Ideally that means for every year of their sentence they could take 54 days off their sentence per year and should amount to serving 85% of the original sentence.  The problem lies in the complicated calculation that the BOP uses to determine the actual days, their calculation actually works out to 47 days per year.  They base their calculations on days served and each progressive year takes into account the previous years good time credit.  It is like compounding interest only in reverse.  This works out that the inmates end up serving 87.1% of the original sentence. 

Now that may not seem like much, but to anyone serving that time, every extra day is a big deal.  Looking at it from a taxpayers perspective, the difference between 85% and 87.1% would save taxpayers $914 million over every 9.5years based on the current federal prison population.  These calculations were taken from Families Against Mandatory Minimums or FAMM.  Other sites have done similar calculations and come up with similar numbers.

All this leads me to my challenge, there is a bill called the Barber Amendment that is currently in need of bi-partisan sponsorship, that would amend Title 18 U.S.C. Section 3624(b)(1).  This bill would change the current calculation from 54 days to 128 days, which would be a return to the previous Good Time Credit figure before the Sentencing Guidelines of 1987.  Politicians are not excited about this bill because they do not want to appear soft on crime, but we need to get them to think of it as being smart on crime.  In today's environment with governements looking for ways to cut spending, here is a way to drastically cut spending.  Prisons are overcrowded and it would be a way to thin out the populations making it safer for both the inmates as well as the employees.

I am asking everyone who has a loved one currently incarcerated or any fiscally responsible citizen to write your state representatives to urge them to consider sponsoring this bill.  It has been floating around for a number of years and it is time to put some thought and humanity back into our justice system.  Sell them on the idea that it saves money, lives and families.   Here is the link for the FEDCURE site that has more information on the bill and its need for sponsorship.

By the time this bill could possibly be implemented, my husband will probably already be home, but there are so many people who have found themselves trapped with a federal mandatory minimum sentence who might have hope that they could have a life outside prison fences that I can no longer sit back and be the ignorant person I used to be. 

The One Constant is....Change

We like to think that we live our lives most days with very few disruptions.  We look at our world and think that most of our days are spent in our everyday routines.  The only time things get thrown out of whack are when some major event happens and seems to change our lives.  We think of those times when we loose a job, the death of a loved one, the birth of a new family member or some natural disaster that sweeps in unexpectedly as times of change.

But it is in a microscopic look at our lives that we see change everyday, sometimes from one moment to the next.  The kid who woke up this morning and complained about not being able to find his sneakers, is not the same kid who will put his head back on that pillow tonight.  Every experience, every encounter has affected him in some way that makes him a different person than he was before.  All the people that have interacted with him have left their mark and some way changed who he will be forever.  Even the physical body changes constantly.   Anyone with a teenage boy knows that they never stop growing, and eating.  Their bodies change moment by moment, hair never stops growing...and spreading.  A pimple that was there today will be gone tomorrow. 

As adults, change is always there as well.  Maybe our bodies have stopped growing, but we are still maturing.  Hair continues to grow, for some it even stops growing.  Bodies change as our lifestyles have an impact on our physical appearance.  We should be getting wiser with all our new and varied experiences to learn from.  People come and go from our lives as part of our natural cycle.  We grow, have our own families, parents age, children grow and mature, parents pass away and children move away.

Some of the changes that we experience are shared common events, while others are unique and sometimes leave us feeling isolated.  Some changes are wonderful and we consider them blessings while others are times when we feel the most alone and left in the dark.  Within some changes you can find both the blessing and the darkness.

My thoughts today come from the fact that I watched my oldest son play his last official baseball game last evening.  I find such joy in watching him play that I feel like a large part of my happiness is now gone.  What am I to do?  I am excited for him heading to college in the fall, far away though.  I won't be able to see him except for the big holidays, but I am looking forward to watching him win at his next "event".  It may not be a ball game but it may be in a successful semester or a excellently completed project.  He will grow and change so much in his first semester away and I envy him being able to experience life as a young person testing the waters and out on your own.  He will be a different person and yet still the same when he comes back to see us.  I won't be able to see him "play" a game two or three nights a week but I will get to sit back and watch him excel in his life.     

Embrace the change, because they will be coming whether you want them to or not.  Good or bad, expected or unexpected, normal or out of the ordinary, change forces us to learn and grow.  If we make the most of it, we will always come out for the better, that does not mean that I can not sit back and wish I could keep him home a little bit longer and watch one more game.  I am his mom.

Have We Turned A Corner?

When it rains it pours they say and I guess that would apply to both the good and the bad.  This past week or so I have had the opportunity to experience some of the good pouring out. 

The biggest thing for me may not seem like much to others but for me it signifies a passing of some of the hurt and anger and a greater hope that things will not be quite as difficult when my husband comes home.  I have mentioned that some of the people in the community who felt betrayed by my husband have started carrying on polite conversations with me.  Nothing earth shattering but a nice "Hello" or "How are you?" is a major step up from what I had been experiencing in the past.  Well, this past weekend, one of the people who probably felt most betrayed (rightfully so) was standing next to me at a school sporting event, when we were having some of that nice, polite conversation when we suddenly had one of those awkward moments of silence.  Then he seemed to take a breath and he asked how my husband was doing.  I had all I could do to not jump out of my skin, but I remained calm and told him that he was doing well.  He then asked me, with a great amount of sincerity in his voice, to tell my husband that he said hi.  I was blown away inside but still remained calm on the outside and told him that I would most certainly relay that to him.  This was something very new for me, I have had people ask how my husband is but no one so directly related and close to us at the time it all happened. 

What does this mean?  Immediately thoughts started bouncing around in my head as to why this? why now?  Could he have been contacted by the BOP due to his impending release?  Had enough time passed that he was just ready to offer an olive branch? or had he had enough time and distance to review his own short comings and realize that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and my husband is already being punished for what choices he made?  But with all the thinking, I really do not care what his reasons or motives were, it was a wonderful thing for him to do and lifted my heart. 

Later that same day, I was sitting on my back patio enjoying a beautiful spring evening.  It had been such a good day that I did not want to go in the house and have it end.  I was watching my two younger children playing ball with each other in the park in the backyard.  They were laughing, teasing, and just having an all around good time.  It was then that I realized that my kids are all going to be OK.  They have weathered this whole thing the best that any kids could be expected to and come out fully intact.  Their lives are filled with joy, kindness and friendship.  They have great family, role models, teachers and friends.  They know that their parents love them and that will never end regardless of how far we are from them.  They have learned to handle the darkest things that life can throw at you and come out on top.  They continue to excel academically, athletically and in everything they put their minds to.

All this hit me like a ton of bricks while I was just sitting on the patio watching them be kids.  Why now? Why today?  Maybe it was just the frame of mind I was in or maybe it is because I see this chapter closing soon and another one beginning.  Our lives are in a constant state of change, some easier than others but my children have learned to roll with the punches as long as you do not let anyone knock you out.  How can I not feel joy at knowing in that moment that my kids will be fine!!!  This experience has left a mark on us all but it is like all the other scars we carry through life, we wear them with honor because it means we have survived.  

The Tone Has Changed

Looking back on all the years that I have been sending letters and getting phone calls from a Federal Correctional Center I have noticed a definite change in the overall tone of the communications recently.  Usually we would discuss what happened over the last few days or what our upcoming days would look like.  We would talk about the kids and all their activities.  It was simple conversation that was intended to somehow keep us all connected through the time and distance.

But since we are now counting down the time in terms of months and days instead of years the tone of all the conversation has changed.  Many of our conversations are still about the day to day activities but with a definite twist, everything is talked about with the thought that it will not be long before we are all in the same state and eventually under the same roof.  Some phone calls and letters are all about when he gets home.  We talk about each others expectations for the immediate future, what we want and need to make this relationship work beyond this bump in the road and what it will be like to adjust having him home. 

I seem to live each and every day thinking that "this is the last time I will have to do this all alone" or "this time next year he will be home".  It is not a negative thought but one that seems to cross my mind more than not.  Simple things like, "next summer I will have more help keeping the lawn mowed",  "these are the last birthdays that he will miss" and "this is the last year I have to plan our family vacation around a prison visit".  All are good thoughts but with them comes some anxiety about him coming home.  He has seen and experienced things that I can not begin to imagine and I have changed because my circumstances required that I change so we are different people than when he left.  There will be period of adjustment and getting to know each other all over so I think we have started laying the ground work for that time in our conversations now.  Sometimes there is excitement in our voices when we talk about the future and what life will be like.  When we talk about upcoming events and that he might actually be able to attend them instead of hear about them in one of my letters.  

There is another period of uncertainty ahead of us, but hopefully it is one of a much more positive experience than the ones in the past.  Law enforcement will be a part of our lives again, but like everything else the bad seems to come with the good.  I am confident that we will face the future looking for the positive in all of this and be better people in the long run. 

Help for Families of the Incarcerated

I have learned so much during the last few years about so many things that I can not look back on this whole experience and say that it was all bad.  One of the things that I have learned from maintaining this blog is that there is a great need out there for people in my position to find help.  In most cases it is not financial help, but help in some form or another.  Whether it be for counseling or support groups that can share solutions or just a shoulder to cry on.

I have to look on this and wonder why there is not more to offer families in my situation.  Currently the studies show that the United States has 5% of the world's population but currently house 1/4 of the world's prisoners.  That amounts to over 2.3 million people behind bars which is more than any other nation in the world.  To put it in simple terms, 1 out of every 100 adults in this country is currently incarcerated and 1 out of every 28 children has at least one parent in prison.  With numbers like these, why are there not more support groups out there for these family members?  Again, I am not talking about someone just handing out checks or money.  I am talking about groups that offer counseling for children with a parent in prison.  Studies show that children of offenders have a smaller level of success later in life.  Or support for spouses facing a life without a partner and finding themselves suddenly as the head of the household.  Suddenly responsible for raising the children, maintaining a home and holding the family together, having someone to talk to can sometimes make a difference, even if it is only for a moment.

One of the hardest things in this journey is the time that many of us spend walking it alone because we do not know anyone else who really understands what we are going through.  My friends might nod, give me a hug and tell me that everything will eventually be OK, but they really have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes.  They can not offer me advice or tell me that I am on the right path when it is a path they have never been on.  Don't get me wrong, that does not belittle any support that they offer, but there is a certain amount of security and comfort when you know that the person you are talking to can completely understand where you are.  Ask anyone attending a support group and they will tell you that it is in the shared experience that they find comfort and the support to keep going.  The shared theme, draws members to the group and offers a focus that can help the most number of people at any one time.

I get emails and messages from other people looking for help.  I can see what people are searching for when they stumble on my thoughts so I know that there are people out there looking, they just have not found each other.  There are wonderful groups who help families regionally like Wings Ministry or support families at holiday time like Angel Tree Ministries.  I have stumbled across a group here in my area because I refused to believe that I was the only one and had I not found them I would have tried to start my own.

If we as a society continue to incarcerate offenders for crimes that would not require a prison sentence in other civilized countries or continue to demand excessive sentences because we are a vindictive society and want justice at all cost, then we need to look at the bi-product of this culture that we are creating.  We are creating a generation that does not have parents accessible and don't assume that a parent in jail for a minor crime can not still be a good role model in so many other areas of life.  We are creating a class of children whose economic status is drastically affected with the loss of a parents income.  We are role modeling for our children that second chances are not allowed or granted.  We are teaching our children that forgiveness and repentance do not have a place in our society.  I do not know about you but these are things I surely do not want my children to grow up believing.

Currently the costs to house prisoners in the state and federal systems is over $55 billion dollars (that is Billion).  Let's look at less expensive punishments like community supervision, electronic monitoring and mandatory counseling when applicable.  These options keep families together, allows the offender to continue paying taxes and be a contributing member of society instead of a drain, allows them to continue paying child support and gets victims their restitution sooner.  Let's take a small percentage of that $55 billion and use it for treatment instead of punishment to prevent further offenses.  One of the best ways to help offenders become productive members of society is a stable home, let's help keep those stable homes there for them to return to if they must be incarcerated.  We can do that by giving as much support as possible to the family left behind.  They should not be treated as outcast or assumed to be just as guilty as the offender.  Why must the whole family suffer for the bad choices of one?     

What does the Future Hold?

You would think that being this close to the end I would feel a sense of joy or even a sense of relief but that is not how I feel at all.  It is hard to explain, but I can compare it to seeing something you want on a shelf that is out of reach and having absolutely no way to get it.

It is hard to share these feelings with my friends whose loved ones still have years left to count and we are down to months.  They are jealous that we have an actual end date and theirs is still so far in future.  I feel guilty for not being more "happy".  I am still on pins and needles waiting to hear if the halfway house has approved him for that date.  We were told it could take about 2-3 months for that decision to come, and we still have not heard anything.  So we wait.

There is also the fear about how our lives are going to change once again.  We have lived a relatively quiet existence for the last 4 years and now law enforcement will be part of our lives again.  There are so many things that are unknown for us that it puts a knot in my stomach when I think about it all.  I am torn between something that I want very badly and fearful of what comes with it.

We have all changed so much in these last years that it will take some time to get to know each other all over again.  My oldest is on the way to becoming a man, although he thinks he already is.  My daughter and son are now teenagers, they are no longer the young children that they were when he went in.  I see changes in them daily that I can not begin to imagine how much they have actually changed over a long period of time.  Let's not even consider just the fact of having another adult in the house, another schedule to fit in and body to work around.  Not to mention how outside family will factor into everything.  Will the house suddenly be full of visiting family or will they allow us the time we need to get familiar without outside influences?  Yet there are people who I can not wait to introduce him to. 

With the changes in both me and my husband, it will be like getting to know him all over again.  Yes, we talk on the phone, write and e-mail but it can not begin to replace the quiet conversations that a wife and a husband share when the house is quiet.  Our values, our thinking and our goals have all changed.  It does not mean that they are in opposite directions it just means that they are not what we once knew.  Will I know what he is thinking when I see a certain look in his eye?  I know he will still always choose chocolate over vanilla but there will be a learning period to get to know him all over again.  It is a bit scary.  I do not even need to mention the intimacy issue.  I have been alone for what will be 5 years and now I am suddenly expected to share all the most private areas of my life with someone who is not completely familiar to me.  I will be forced to face all new issues about trust and any residual anger that has been buried because I have not had to face them head on...I will soon. 

It reminds me of the old ketchup commercial, the anticipation is what I can't stand.  Let's just get on with it and forget all this waiting for the shoe to drop.

Moving at the Speed of Life

Lately it seems like I do not have the time to stop and breath, being a single parent with 3 active kids, my days are full.  Up in the morning getting everyone out of the house, mostly on time, and then off for a full day of work myself.  Quick stop at home to pick someone up, grab a bite to eat and then off to someone's game or meet.  On the days when I don't have a school activity there is usually something in my own schedule, whether it be a group meeting or trying to find time to get the grocery shopping done. 

It is all a blessing right now.  It was a full week after the dreaded January anniversary days when the police first came into our home and the day my husband was incarcerated that I realized that I had not even given those 2 days another thought.  This was the first year that those 2 days came and went quietly without an acknowledgement.  I did think about them early on in the month, knowing that they were coming up, but when the time actually came, I was too busy to remember what those days have brought. 

To be honest, part of the reason they slipped my mind this year is because the focus has now shifted for us.  We are looking forward to the end of this year when my husband may be closer to home in a halfway house.  We are looking forward instead of focusing on the past.  There is so much ahead of us that there is little time to spend thinking about the events that have put us here. 

Last night my oldest son played his last high school basketball game.  I did not even realize that I would never get to see him play again until almost the last quarter when it became apparent that their run was coming to an end.  Now we move on to baseball, there are no more sports seasons for him after that.  Once baseball is over, school will quickly come to a close and then begins a new time in his life.  Another change that brings about big adjustments for us all.  Trying to squeeze every moment out of the time that he is home with us keeps me busy and sends my mind in so many different directions.

I am not sure that the old saying "Time heals all wounds" would apply.  I am not sure it is the passage of time that allowed me to not acknowledge those 2 awful days or it is just that life is full right now.  My fear is that once my husband comes home many of those anxieties and worries will come back up to the surface and I will have to learn to deal with them all over again.  But for now I am living for today, looking forward to what the future has in store for all of us.  I must maintain a positive attitude because I could never live each day worrying about the doom and gloom.  Too many blessings are out there every moment that I would miss.

Federal Release Update

Got some news a few weeks back that initially did not make me happy.  It has taken me a while to make peace with the idea and all that it will entail, but as of this moment in time I feel calm with what lies ahead for us.  I can not say I am excited or thrilled because there are way too many unanswered questions yet but we will face them as they come.

My husband was called into his counselors office and given a letter that denied his request to move into our family members home.  Reasons were given that if was "too far off the grid" and he had no direct connections to the area.  That federal district declined his transfer to their jurisdiction.  We had hoped that he could go to that house so he could be close to some other family, he would be away from this community and for the time being would keep law enforcement out of my children's lives as long as possible.  While he is under BOP supervision they can come into our home at any time and search whatever and where ever they want.  We wanted to keep this away from the kids as long as possible. 

What choice did we have now, well now he has no place else to be released to except home.  Initially I was very upset because we had made plans that we thought were in the best interest of everyone involved but the government now regulates so much of our lives that they are telling us that we can not do what we wanted.  Now we have to start all over and face the reality that he has no place else to come home to except here.

The first step was reconciling it for myself.  Part of me is happy that he will once again be in the house but I am scared (that is the word) of the unknown.  I have no idea how this is going to impact our lives.  It has taken us many years to get to the point where we consider our lives normal and now that will all change and I have no control over how.  I fear for the imposition on the lives of my children and yes, they are still children.  Wiser minds than mine have pointed out to me that I have a "date", a real "date" when he will be transferred back to this area and it is within this calendar year.  That is so much more than they have, they still have abstract release dates somewhere out in the future. 

The next step for me was to tell the kids, being that my oldest will be in college, it had very little impact on him, my youngest was just excited that Dad would be coming home, but my daughter, who is way too much like me, is torn between having her father home and the potential problems that come with him.  We talked for a while and decided that it was silly to worry over the unknown at such an early time.  As it stands today, we all have our thoughts on how things will play out, but we are just living and enjoying the time we have now.

And for those of you who are wondering, I had hoped that I would be able to pick him up on his "date" and take him to the halfway house myself so we could spend some time together but the government said no to that to.  Apparently the BOP has a rule that if it is more than an 8 hour drive they REQUIRE the inmate to take public transportation.  WHAT?  They are the ones that placed my husband so far away from us and now they are dictating how he gets home.  He will now have to spend 17 hours or so on a Greyhound bus because it is a 9-10 hour drive home.  Guess what that means for you as taxpayers, that means you are paying for his transportation and money for any food and necessities on his way here.  Instead of me footing the bill and giving him a chance to spend time with his family, he will come back to the area on the taxpayers dime while subsidizing the Greyhound bus system.  The BOP claims that they have had problems in the past with car trouble and delays with inmates getting where they need to be on time.  I took my fair share of buses in the past and I can tell you that they have a far greater chance of not being on time than most people would.

So what have I learned this month?  I have learned that you do not make any plans or assumptions where the federal government is concerned.  They will do the complete opposite of what is in the best interest of the taxpayer and they always act contrary to the wisdom they espouse, but that is a topic for another day.

Do You Cut the Ties or Just Accept Them

Recently I have had experiences with close family members that gets me wondering once again "when is it time to just cut the ties to maintain your own sanity?".

One family has a habit of always promising the world and NEVER following through.  Big things, little things, insignificant things and life changing things, it does not matter.  They are mostly things that they volunteer for.  I learned a long time ago to stop asking them for anything yet they get my hopes up when they offer to do these things and still never follow through.  Intellectually I know not to expect anything of them, but when it is such an important thing, I get my hopes up that maybe this time they will really do it.  Once again I am tragically disappointed when they drop the ball.

Is it really my problem and not theirs?  Obviously I know that this is their weakness, so is it my responsibility to not let them get my hopes up, I should know what to expect after all.  It is easy to let the little things go by because they are not so big.  I can just chalk their promises as the empty words that they are and know that nothing will ever come of them, or I could just be pleasantly surprised if they actually followed through.  Imagine my surprise when that day ever comes...

What really gets me is when they make promises for once in a lifetime events and not only never follow through, they never even acknowledge that they made that offer.  As an example, they offered to be here with us the day my husband went in for his sentencing and they never called to say they were not coming, they never called at all.  There have been other times over the last few years when they have made just as important offers and then nothing.  Am I to continue accepting them for what they are?  Suppress my disappointment because I should know better than to expect anything?

There is a fine line for me, I am being told that I should put up with them, I know how they are so I should be the bigger person and just be OK with it all.  Sometimes I get so tired of always being the bigger person, being the bigger person seems to take so much out of me.  Could be because I do put so much thought into everything, that I think too much about those around me, but if I am to accept them for who they are then they should know that about me.   

Another close relationship has just continued to show what kind of person they really are.  I have always said that the only thing that keeps me tied to this person is the family relationship.  If I had ever just met them, they would never be anyone that I would consider making a friend because they exhibit none of the qualities that I find noble.  They are not someone that I would want to introduce as a friend and offer as a roll model for others.  I have tried for many years and have yet to find any positive qualities.  How long do you continue to make someone like this part of your life?  They are a toxic personality and bring no joy to any family function so when is it OK to say enough is enough?  They recently made it clear that they have not changed over the last few years and probably never will. 

Do you just grin and bear it when dealing with these family members or is there a time when it is OK to cut the ties and move on to a better and less stressful time?  Somewhere in this big puzzle is a lesson that we all have to learn.  Is there a right or wrong answer, is it even a black and white situation? Will have to wait and see...

A Message of Hope for the New Year

The holidays are such a difficult time of the year.  It seems that I am responsible for making the holidays a special time of the year for so many.  I have to keep the holidays special for the kids which goes without saying, but it seems that the responsibilities for that at work have also fallen on my shoulders.  Normally I do not mind but you do not realize how much it takes out of you when no one is infusing you with the spirit.  Well, I did manage to get through it all, today begins a new year and what do I wake up to?  This awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I do not completely understand where it comes from.

I am dog sitting for a friend of mine and had her pacing around waiting to go outside.  I did not even want to go to Sunday services.  Why? I ask myself and no answer comes to me.  I could think of no reason not to go.  Things have been going well considering and I have been enjoying a few days without work.  I have been getting things accomplished, finishing some wonderful books, spending time with the kids, so why do I feel so off.  That does not matter to the dog, she needed to go out and no one else was up to take her out.  So I threw on my coat and sneakers and out the door we headed.

Of course we are out walking during the prime "going to church" time.  As we start down the street I feel the tears start to well up and before you know it I am crying as we are walking down the shoulder of the road.  Sometimes I feel like a soda bottle that has been shaken,  it can be left alone for awhile but it eventually needs to be opened or it will burst.  What a sight I must have been, walking down the street in my red Christmas pajamas, winter coat, walking a small dog and tears running down my face.

But the title of this entry is "A Message of Hope" so you must be asking where is the hope in all this, let me continue.  As we headed down the street I was trying to figure out what is the source of these feelings when I noticed what a beautiful morning it was.  Considering we live in snow country we have had little to no snow this winter, of which I am glad that I do not have to shovel or drive in it, although I am hoping for enough snow when we make our winter ski trips.  The sun was shining beautifully, the sky was a crystal shade of blue with white, thin, wispy clouds.  It was not too cold or too windy.  My winter coat was even a bit too heavy for the temperature.  I could not have asked for a better morning or a better way to start the New Year, especially since I was up and moving (exercising) on the first day of the new year.

Was someone sending me a message? No matter how we feel at any given moment, there is always hope that things will get better.  No matter how I felt inside the beauty outside could not keep me from feeling bad forever.  I immediately began to think of all the things I am blessed with; being here with my children, a husband who loves me, everyone is healthy, we have a roof over our heads, I have a job that keeps that roof and a special circle of friends who fit me into their busy lives to make sure we are doing OK.  What more do I need?

A hope for the New Year that this one will be better than the last.  As each year passes we get closer to being a family again.  But our lives are constantly changing so even then things will never be what they were.  My oldest is getting his acceptance letters for colleges, none of which are close to home.  As someone who went away to school myself I am excited for him, but as his mother my heart is breaking that he will be so far away.  Everything changes.  I have struggled to keep a foundation for our family, and when I look at us as an outsider would, I can see that we are doing well enough. 

The message for me today, I could have gone to Sunday services and had someone else tell me that the future is what we make it and that it can only get better but I think God had a greater plan.  He needed me to realize that for myself, to stop and see the beauty that is there for us to see anytime we stop and really open our eyes.  He needed me to know for myself that the future is bright and the lessons we have learned are all part of His greater plan.  As long as there is hope in your heart then you have everything you could possibly need.  So back to the title, I wish everyone a year filled with hope, with hope comes joy, happiness and unlimited potential.



...when I got back from my walk,  the weather for the rest of the day was a weather alert for snow, high winds and lakeshore flooding...I had a good laugh!