Looking back on all the years that I have been sending letters and getting phone calls from a Federal Correctional Center I have noticed a definite change in the overall tone of the communications recently. Usually we would discuss what happened over the last few days or what our upcoming days would look like. We would talk about the kids and all their activities. It was simple conversation that was intended to somehow keep us all connected through the time and distance.
But since we are now counting down the time in terms of months and days instead of years the tone of all the conversation has changed. Many of our conversations are still about the day to day activities but with a definite twist, everything is talked about with the thought that it will not be long before we are all in the same state and eventually under the same roof. Some phone calls and letters are all about when he gets home. We talk about each others expectations for the immediate future, what we want and need to make this relationship work beyond this bump in the road and what it will be like to adjust having him home.
I seem to live each and every day thinking that "this is the last time I will have to do this all alone" or "this time next year he will be home". It is not a negative thought but one that seems to cross my mind more than not. Simple things like, "next summer I will have more help keeping the lawn mowed", "these are the last birthdays that he will miss" and "this is the last year I have to plan our family vacation around a prison visit". All are good thoughts but with them comes some anxiety about him coming home. He has seen and experienced things that I can not begin to imagine and I have changed because my circumstances required that I change so we are different people than when he left. There will be period of adjustment and getting to know each other all over so I think we have started laying the ground work for that time in our conversations now. Sometimes there is excitement in our voices when we talk about the future and what life will be like. When we talk about upcoming events and that he might actually be able to attend them instead of hear about them in one of my letters.
There is another period of uncertainty ahead of us, but hopefully it is one of a much more positive experience than the ones in the past. Law enforcement will be a part of our lives again, but like everything else the bad seems to come with the good. I am confident that we will face the future looking for the positive in all of this and be better people in the long run.
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I can't say that it has been a pleasure reading your posts, but I most certainly do look forward to them. We are still waiting my husband's sentencing towards the end of July. This whole nightmare started for us back in September. Last week his ankle monitor was removed, which hopefully will have a positive impact at the time of his sentencing. I don't know when your husband will be home or if you intend to keep posting after he is home, but your posts will be missed. Especially as we move into the next phase of my husband's sentencing and then finally his sentence.
ReplyDeleteI will miss reading ahead to what I might have to face. I have noticed that as we wait for what happens after July 30, I often wonder what the next few years for me will be like. Unlike you, our kids are almost grown and we have been working very diligently the last few months to tuck away as much money for me as possible. My heartbreaks are not for the kids growing up with out a dad, or the struggles that I might face to raise a family by myself, but just mostly for him. The shame that he feels, the loss of his rights, the loneliness and struggles he will face so far away from home. Don't get me wrong - I will most definitely miss my husband and best friend, but I have had time to put a plan into place for myself. I know that God is with me. I know that I will be ok. I have found a support group, and I hope to somehow turn all of this into a positive experience.
Your last few posts regarding what your life will be like after he gets home are actually my biggest fears right now. My concern is that we will both grow apart and that after he comes home, we will not be able to pick up the pieces where we left off. I pray that prison does not change him too much and I hope that I do not become to set in my ways on my own and unwilling to fall back into the routing of actually caring for someone other than myself again.
These were supposed to be the years that we looked forward to the kids grown and we have more time to enjoy each other, and now I find that I will have to fill my time without him. I have lined up some very positive activities such as ladies groups at the church and a support group for families like us. I just hope that there will be room again for him. I am sure that I will make the room - I just hope that I don't resent all of the things that change with the both of us.
In the mean time I try not to think about that too much- and just try to focus on the time that we have now.
I have enjoyed having him at home and on house arrest. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been a good excuse to not have to participate in life's obligations and just be together. In some small way I might actually miss that little black box around his ankle. NOT!!
Jo,
DeleteI am so glad that you have found a support group to help out...it seems to make such a big difference doesn't it. I wish everyone who found themselves in this spot would either go out and find one or go out and start one. I am not sure I would be doing as well as I am without knowing they are behind me.
As for future posts...I plan on continuing. I think the next stage will be filled with as many bumps as the past. I have heard from so many who say that things fall apart once they come home that we are approaching this with that in mind and trying to prepare so that does not happen. I think that is just as important to share. Counseling will no doubt be a must for both of us whether it be separately or together, but we will figure out what is best for us.
Good luck with his sentencing and keep me updated on how things turn out. If you have any questions about those prison visits just ask.
Your in my prayers.
Kate
awww i hope everything is gone well i no that feeling me and my husband just finished trail n i was so scared
DeleteI too will miss the posts. We have cleared the halfway mark and are also counting in months even though we have over a year to go. Besides church and family, I have gone back to school. I too have grown/almost grown boys and it poses different problems from young children.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful you have written and am sad it took me so long to find them. My husband has only been gone since Nov. 29, 2011. He will be home in September. In June he will go to a halfway house. I'm rooting for the one closest because it is away from his old 'stomping ground'. He got into a wreck (Completely a freak accident, but 2 people died) After that is when he started drinking and being an alcoholic. They sent him away because they said 'his problem is his home', which made me so angry because it was not. I am just grateful he got help. Rehab is 3 and a half hours away from home. I have a son who turns 2 in July and I am due in July. He has missed so much. I can handle me missing him, but seeing our son look at his pictures and continuously ask for him hurts more than anything. I will be glad when he comes home. I am rooting for you guys. It takes some pretty strong people to stay together like that.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to find that someone else out there has a blog similar to mine. So I can see that I'm not the only one! And that this nightmare does eventually come to an end! My husband was arrested on July 13th of this year, and his case is in limbo, the solicitor left, and now I can't even get him home on bond until everything is figured out for sentencing, heck theres not even anyone to prosecute him right now to be sentenced. He's just sitting in the county jail until something happens. But may I ask, how have you managed to keep your family up on your own? How did you afford a lawyer? I work 5 days a week in an office making 11$/hour, and I can't make any ends meet but yet I make 100$ a month over the poverty limit. I just wonder how others have managed to handle EVERYTHING on just one income. But I'm happy for you guys, and hope all goes well when he is finally reunited with his family! God Bless!
ReplyDeleteGiGi,
DeleteI wish I had some formula to tell you how I managed. I also work 40 hours a week in an office in a small community. I am not sure where we fall in regards to the poverty level but I know I make too much for some programs but fall under enough for others. Our mortgage payment is smaller than most people pay for rent, so that was a blessing, and with unexplainable circumstances I have managed to not have a car payment. I have received no regular supplemental income from family or friends. Although I have received some help when it came to school shopping, and some extra cash at Christmas. My kids have learned to go without the newest, shiniest stuff and have learned to love second hand shopping. Occasionally I got help with groceries or a utility shut off notice but for the most part we have just struggled to get by. I pick what is most important, and that is what we do. The savings is depleted but hopefully the lifestyle we have adopted will allow us to rebuild that once a second income is added back into our house. I can not tell you that couponing is the answer, or winning the lottery solved all our problems. It was just a day by day will and determination coupled with drastic decisions and the help and understanding of all the kids. Believe me, if there was a special secret I would have written about it to share with everyone, since it is still the one thing that I still struggle with every moment.