You would think that being this close to the end I would feel a sense of joy or even a sense of relief but that is not how I feel at all. It is hard to explain, but I can compare it to seeing something you want on a shelf that is out of reach and having absolutely no way to get it.
It is hard to share these feelings with my friends whose loved ones still have years left to count and we are down to months. They are jealous that we have an actual end date and theirs is still so far in future. I feel guilty for not being more "happy". I am still on pins and needles waiting to hear if the halfway house has approved him for that date. We were told it could take about 2-3 months for that decision to come, and we still have not heard anything. So we wait.
There is also the fear about how our lives are going to change once again. We have lived a relatively quiet existence for the last 4 years and now law enforcement will be part of our lives again. There are so many things that are unknown for us that it puts a knot in my stomach when I think about it all. I am torn between something that I want very badly and fearful of what comes with it.
We have all changed so much in these last years that it will take some time to get to know each other all over again. My oldest is on the way to becoming a man, although he thinks he already is. My daughter and son are now teenagers, they are no longer the young children that they were when he went in. I see changes in them daily that I can not begin to imagine how much they have actually changed over a long period of time. Let's not even consider just the fact of having another adult in the house, another schedule to fit in and body to work around. Not to mention how outside family will factor into everything. Will the house suddenly be full of visiting family or will they allow us the time we need to get familiar without outside influences? Yet there are people who I can not wait to introduce him to.
With the changes in both me and my husband, it will be like getting to know him all over again. Yes, we talk on the phone, write and e-mail but it can not begin to replace the quiet conversations that a wife and a husband share when the house is quiet. Our values, our thinking and our goals have all changed. It does not mean that they are in opposite directions it just means that they are not what we once knew. Will I know what he is thinking when I see a certain look in his eye? I know he will still always choose chocolate over vanilla but there will be a learning period to get to know him all over again. It is a bit scary. I do not even need to mention the intimacy issue. I have been alone for what will be 5 years and now I am suddenly expected to share all the most private areas of my life with someone who is not completely familiar to me. I will be forced to face all new issues about trust and any residual anger that has been buried because I have not had to face them head on...I will soon.
It reminds me of the old ketchup commercial, the anticipation is what I can't stand. Let's just get on with it and forget all this waiting for the shoe to drop.
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HI. I have just started reading your posts. My husband is waiting sentencing by the feds. He won't be sentenced until July. What a nightmare! I am not sure that reading your posts help me or not, but i find myself inclined to read anyway.
ReplyDeleteProbation in his case is a long shot, but not an impossibility. I pray to God for mercy every day.
But as I look to what the future might hold without my husband, I can get a glimps from your posts. I have wondered all the things that you just said. Will I adjust without him. Will we grow apart? Will I want him home? Does it ever end? Please keep posting, I will keep reading.
Just wanted to share a little information about the Federal system...there is no formal Parole program in the Federal system. That was eliminated years ago in a moment of some politician believing it was the best thing for the country. Probation is the department that monitors them from time of arrest until sentencing and then when they complete their sentence there may be an extended period of "supervised release". I hope for the best for you but make sure that you are also prepared for the worst, in my husbands case we were lead to believe that he might only get 2-3 years. The judge however set the maximum and I have heard a number of similar stories from other families.
DeleteKeep strong and do everything you can to prepare and plan for whatever may happen. Get as much information from the lawyers as possible and question them on everything. The best way to deal with this awful situation is to have as much information as possible. At one point I even called his probation officer to get some of my questions answered.
Good luck and blessing to you and your family. Keep in touch and let me know how his sentence turns out.
Thank you- I know there is no parole, but his min sentence is 0 to 20. He does have a lot of things working in his favor, and that is why we are praying for the min. But, I believe that God is in control and his will be done. Whatever the outcome, there is a purpose and I have to trust in Him.
DeleteOur attorney believes that less than 5 would be a reasonable guess at this point. He still has to do the PSR. I hate this waiting period. Everything is moving so slowly. I almost wish we could just do it now, whatever the outcome, so that we can get on with it. He is home on house arrest now and working. That was a blessing as only 3 people in his case came home. He was the 3rd. The others are still sitting in County Jail until they are sentenced. We are preparing financially and mentally as much as possible, but can you really prepare for this?
Thanks again for writing back. It helps to talk to someone who has been through this. Good luck to you on your husband's homecoming. I will pray for your family for a smooth transition and renewed relationship with your husband.
God Bless
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI actually got on the web looking for some games I can play with my husband to help this time pass between us. Something we can send back and forth to each other for fun He was sentenced 3 years back in May 2011and is actually expected to come home early August this year. To a lot that time seem small but to each their own and I never thought I'd make it this far without him physically here. We have 5 kids and that's enough for me to stay focus on staying sain. God has been very merciful and without Him I would be in a mental hospital. Surprisinglly, this time apart has brought me and my husband closer and he is my rock. Instead of bickering over small things, now we know just how special we are to eachother and how needed we both are. I've learned my own strength through this rough time and he calls me worlds greatest prison wife even though I hate that termenology. I learned to speak to the actual lead parole board member, write support letters, encourage my kids, send special request, and all around be a strong back bone. I write this to hopefully encourage some one else to keep their head up and never give up on the people you love. They need you.
I loved reading your post... I am so glad that I am not alone :) my husband has only 50 days left and I am crying and freaking out now just as much as when he first left ! I am so depressed and scared with worry and wonder !!! I feel like I don't know enough of how to help him transition or he release process ! I hate it ! He says he will tell me when he knows but I just feel... Well lost :( he says I can't come get him cuz it's too far away and all the things you said about when he comes home and especially when he gets out of he halfway house ( he has to go there first ) hit the nail on the head !!!! I am miserable and I just want this stupid nightmare to be over !!! Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated.... Signed, lost and lonely JW
ReplyDeleteMzWetz,
DeleteI wish I had some secret words of wisdom that would fix everything but unfortunately I am sitting on that same bus right next to you with no idea where the driver is taking us. I can tell you that I am planning on trying to remember that the world he is coming from is much different than the one we live in everyday and I am going to try to give him as much room and support as necessary. But my husband also realizes the same thing. He does not expect to walk through the door and have everything be the same as it was before. Counseling will probably be on the agenda at some point, it may be for us as a couple as well as individually.
You have made it this far, which tells me that you are a strong person. Give both of you the room to stumble and make mistakes and get to know each other again. I am thinking it will be like dating all over, I know him as a person but now I have to learn all the new details all over again.
Good luck and let me know how things turn out for you.
Kate