Here's My Sign

Came back from our vacation/prison visit feeling much different than that first trip down over 3 years ago.  The feeling when we walked out of the visitors room for the last time was an overwhelming sense of relief and  I could spend a whole posting talking about our last visit but that is not my intent today.  Today I want to share my latest hurdles that I have been forced to jump over.

We have been patiently waiting to find out about a final approval for my husband release to a "near-by" half way house and had originally been told that it should only take 90 days.  Here we are six months later and have not heard anything.  The counselor in my husbands unit had left, and the position remained unfilled so there was no one to track down any further information.  My husband has a working relationship with the Associate Warden so the warden agreed to look into it for him.

We had previously be told that when he was rejected from one halfway house in the area he would automatically be considered for a second house and we had hoped that he would get approved for the second house.  Other families in our area had been sent to the second house already so we were certain that ultimately he would end up there.  However, when the warden looked into all his paperwork and into the system he discovered that my husband had been denied by the first house (which we expected) way back in April.  It was never entered into the system so it continued to show a pending status.  I am not even going to get into the flaws in their "system", that would be another whole post. 

So needless to say my husband inquired about the automatic referral to the other house in the area and he got a completely different answer than we were expecting.  He was told that he would not automatically be considered for that house.  He would have to have someone on the outside contact his expected probation office and request that his probation be changed to a different office.  Keep in mind that both of these houses are in the same district, they are just in different cities so there would be no change in district.  That is not what happened with other people in the area so we did not understand why we were being told something different.
At this point I have no resolution as of yet and we are still in the middle of figuring it all out but this all leads me to what I wanted to share. 

When my husband laid this in front of me telling me that "if I was willing" this was now going to fall on my shoulders to get him home, my world caved in around me.  He did say that it was his mistake that got him there and he was not expecting me to do it, but asking if I was comfortable doing it.  He gave me the option to say "No". 

I had to take a step back and digest everything that was going on.  Here I am, a single parent not by choice, trying to raise three children on a limited income.  I have one as a freshman in college and two at home trying to maintain a normal life.  I work a full time job where I manage a small manufacturing company and wear many hats every day.  I am a taxi driver for activities and friends 24 hours a day.  I struggle with what little I can do for my ailing father as he is 3 hours away and in nursing care.  I juggle a few outside part-time jobs that I can do when my schedule permits and I spend what time I have left over working with a advocacy group to change the laws and the thinking regarding Federal Crimes and Prison.  Now you want to add calling federal probation employees and campaigning for my husband's release to a half way house?  When am I supposed to find the time and the energy to fight with a system that I already think is broken?  What more could you ask me to do?  How much more could I possibly put on my plate?  I asked myself these questions and so many more.  Do I just let it go and he stays in until his actual release?  How could I look my children in the eye knowing I did not do everything I could to get him nearer home sooner? 

I spend most of my days taking care of someone else, my kids, my co-workers, my father, my friends, my husband and my group, when is someone going to take care of me?  It sounded so selfish but it was what I was feeling.  How much more could be placed on my shoulders?  When is enough, enough?

I got my answer.  Just a few days after I got that awful information I ran into an acquaintance/friend at a public function.  He was always someone who was polite and always said hello.  His family was not one of the families that turned their backs on us, but we had always just had a polite relationship and that how it stayed.  We had the opportunity to talk for a while and he complimented me on my children and how respectful they are and have always been.  He praised me for how we as a family have handled a very difficult situation, and shared with me that his wife held me in high regard for how we have all come through this.  She can not imagine how I juggle all their events and activities, but yet I am always there.  The conversation went on for quite a while and it was one of the most positive conversations I have had with some one in my community in a long time.  I was amazed at the perspective that both he and his wife shared about our family and how I have handled everything. 

So here is my sign, it is not in my nature to be defeated, or at least defeated by apathy or lack of initiative.  I have never backed down or backed away and said that I can not do it.  I have faced the worst and come out on the other side.  I will tackle this hurdle like I have handled all those behind me.  With careful thought and planing, lots and lots of prayer, support from a small group of tremendous friends and the knowledge that I have become a role model for others I must face this challenge head held high.  It may not be my choice to be a role model, but by my actions, the decisions I have made, the choices put before me and my own nature I find myself being watched and admired by people I never even knew were looking.