Federal Inmates Join the Electronic Age with E-mail

Well as of last month my husband was able to start using e-mail as another form of correspondence.  There is a federal law out there that says that all inmates are supposed to have access to e-mail by April of 2011, so if your loved one does not have it yet, it should be coming soon.  It is ironic that just last week I was reading an article about Generation Y (anyone born after 1995), that most of them think e-mail is old and archaic.  Texting, instant messaging, tweeting, and skype are all much faster and more immediate than even e-mail.  Unless of course you get your e-mail sent to your cell phone or hand held device, then you know right away when those messages arrive.  Lucky us.

The inmates have to stand in line to use a small number of terminals for a large population.  They have also received e-mail accounts for them to move some of their money over to, to pay for the cost of this new service.  The clock starts ticking when they sign on and they are charged per minute they spend reading and responding to their e-mails.  They can try to check it everyday, but for that last few days at my husbands site, the system was down and when it came back up the lines were too long.

For my kids who are so used to communicating electronically, it is better than writing a letter, addressing an envelope, putting on a stamp and delivering it to the post office. Then waiting for dad to receive it and then reply, reversing the whole process.  They sit at the computer, type a quick message and hit send.  The hardest part for them is remembering to sign on to the special e-mail link to check to see if dad has sent a response. 

I have used it myself and will admit that the speed of the system certainly beats the snail mail, but I am cautious of the system itself.  We have been told that all the e-mails are reviewed and knowing that you can never really delete a file, there are just things that I do not want to be part of the electronic footprint that I leave.  An old fashioned letter is still my preferred way of communicating.  I still look forward to coming home and finding a letter from him waiting to be opened, slowly read, then read again before responding to what he might have written.  So I can only imagine that he feels the same given his isolation from the rest of us.  One of the corrections officers likes to tease him about "getting some loving" when ever one of my many letters arrives.  He was thrilled at Christmas time when he received a whole pile of holiday cards from other families in my group, most of whom he has never met. 

So thank you to the Federal prison system for finally installing the e-mail, and I will use it, but for now the personal touch and thought that goes into a hand written note seems to mean so much more to the sender and the recipient that I will continue to support my local United States Post Office.  However given the price of postage and the lack of mail they are carrying, I think I may be one of the only people left out there still sending letters the old fashioned way.

Surviving the Season Alone

Here we are coming upon our second Christmas with my husband incarcerated, and I am thinking that this season will really not be any easier than last.  Christmas still remains his favorite time of the year so with every Christmas carol or Christmas light display I am reminded that he is not here with us.  Some things are better for us this year than last and I may be more prepared to handle the emotions of it all, but that does not make the emotions any less.  It just means that I am getting better at dealing with them all.

I have plans to spend some time with family and friends throughout the holiday season and those times will be joyous and filled with laughter I am sure, but there will still be the "elephant in the room" at every function and event.  There are reminders everyday that I am going through another holiday alone, whether it be wrapping presents alone, attending services without him there or playing Santa in the wee hours of the morning struggling with the contradictions of the lack of sleep and loneliness, and trying to find the joy in surprising the kids with Christmas.

I think people loose sight that our life is anything but normal because we have all gotten so well at hiding that part of our lives from the world.  People see us living our lives and forget that having a loved one in prison is a cross that we carry with us every waking hour of every day.  Recently a male friend and coach took my daughter to a sports practice, and we joked prior to her leaving about how many people would ask her if that was her father.  Human nature did not disapoint, and 3 or 4 people did ask her that question, being the confident young lady that she is, she replied that "he is a coach" and left it at that. 

The kids were thrilled to finally be able to send e-mails to their father since the system is finally up and running at his facility.  It may not be immediate like regular e-mail but it is yet another way he can stay connected with them.  Other families are used to cell phones, instant messaging and texting to stay in touch with other family, but we take a step back in time and are just being told that we can be part of the electronic age.  It is through the kindness of family and friends that our holiday will seem normal with gifts for everyone under the tree as I sometimes silently struggle to pay all the necessary bills and still have money to buy the groceries and gas to get me to work.  But these are things that remain hidden to the general public and are not part of their everyday lives so they look at us from the outside and things appear pretty normal.

My ultimate goal this year is to NOT have a beakdown on Christmas day, maybe save it for the quiet time when everyone has gone to bed.  I know the emotions are bubbling under the surface so I can only hope for the strength to control them so the world can continue to think that our family is normal and that we are happy all of the time. 

I do wish everyone out there, especially those in the same position, a joyous holiday.  Make it the best holiday that it can be giving the circumstances that you find yourself.  Christmas is a time for hope, love, joy and peace and share that with everyone you know.  Hope that your loved one remains safe where ever they are, Love that you already offer unconditionally, Joy that you are alive and your family will someday be whole again and Peace for all the world and that they learn to forgive as only you can truly understand.

I am Thankful for....

One thing I have learned during the adventure I call my life and continue to remind myself of during the incarceration is of the things I have to be thankful for.  Two years ago when everything around me seemed so bleak and dark I would have never believed that I would be sitting here with a never ending list of things to be thankful for.  The added benefit for me, is that I am aware of what I am thankful for everyday, not just during the holiday season.

I am thankful for the gift of gratitude that I have been able to experience and learn.  Very few people will every experience it in a way that is life changing and moving.  I would have never believed that experiencing gratitude would be such a gift and bring such joy to my life.

I am thankful for the wonderful friends who have supported me since the beginning and have now cemented themselves in my life.  They are considered family more than friends.

I am thankful for the new friends that I have made since this life changing event.  We were brought together by a common circumstance, without which we may have never met each other.  They have become just as important to me as those people I used to consider my friends until they showed their true colors and walked away when I needed them most.  My new friends demonstrate the character traits that are role models for us all.  God showed me the errors of my old thinking and judgment when the old friends showed their true character. 

I am thankful for the extended family that has stood by me and been a source of joy and happiness.  They have been a shoulder to cry on occasionally, but I believe that they are my comedy relief.  They give me the moments of laughter that make me realize that life has not ended and things will be better. 

I am thankful to a co-worker who has consistently helped keep my head above water financially.  Although I am getting better handling things on my own, he has stood been there to offer an extra dollar when necessary.  Again this year for Christmas, he made sure I had extra money to get the kids some really nice Christmas gifts.  I can only say thank you and will probably never repay him, but he does not expect to get repaid, that is why it is so special.  I can only hope to repay the kindness to others in the future by paying it forward.

I am thankful that I have three healthy, beautiful and intelligent children, who barring the solid upbringing and years of a solid family background, might not have survived as well as they have.  It is a testament to their family strength and their own strength of character that they continue to thrive and become great individuals.

I am thankful for my faith and for the strength that I draw from knowing that God has a plan.  I may not know His plan for us all but I am prayerful and obedient in the steps I take to fulfill it. 

I am thankful for the Hope that comes with each passing day.  Each morning that I wake up is another day closer to finding us a family again.  Each day is an opportunity to be a role model to others and to find joy in the small things that I used to take for granted.  Hope that sometime in the future we will have moved beyond all the tragedy and can look to the beauty of the world ahead.

I am thankful for a husband who is working hard to do everything he can to come home as quickly as he can.  He is working to change his life and his thinking for the better of all of us.  He has so much more good in him to offer to the world, that I am willing to wait and see him soar.

I could go on with more but these are the most important ones and I challenge you all to really look at your lives a decide what are you really thankful for.  I keep a notebook with a list of those things, events and people that have touched our lives in a special way so that I can occasionally look back and offer a prayer of thanks.

Being A Single Parent is Easy, Being a GOOD Single Parent is Hard!

One day when I was feeling completely overwhelmed with all my responsibilities and admittedly feeling a great amount of self pity, I was confiding in a friend about how stressed I was. What did all those other single parents out there have that I seemed to be lacking? There are so many single parents out there that seem to float through their days without spending even one second stressing out, and here I was pulling out my hair, crying and struggling to figure out how I was going to make it all work yet again. Then my friend looked at me and said "being a single parent is easy, but being a good single parent is hard, and you are a good parent."

WOW! That was one of my "ah-hah" moments. I stopped dead in my tracks and started mulling over what he had just said. He was so right! Being a parent would be easy if I did not care about where my kids were, that they were getting good grades in school, who they are hanging out with after school, making sure there was good food to eat at home, and just making sure that in general their lives were pretty normal.

It is all the other stuff that seems to stress me out. Making sure they get to all the activities that they want to participate in and still getting all their necessities covered becomes a juggling act. I make sure that I am there to watch them in as many events as my schedule would allow. I may miss one game to watch someone else's but they always know which events I will be at and which ones I have to forgo. I hate having to choose, sometimes it is the distance of the drive or the time that dictates which event I get to attend, but I try to spread myself around and attend as many for each of them as possible.

Some might say that I let the kids dictate our lives and schedules with their activities, but they are people who have never felt the joy of a parent as you watch the pride and sense of accomplishment on your child's face when they just had an awesome win or played a great game. The sense of pride you feel when they look for you in the bleachers and smile when they see that you are there. They learn so much from their other activities that to not let my kids participate would do more harm than good. They learn to be part of a team (or family), they learn to win and loose, they make friends outside their normal school circle, they learn responsibility, dedication and hard work. They learn to respect their teachers, coaches, officials and teammates.

Could all these things be taught without all the activities, I don't know. But I do know that as a single parent, I will take all the help I can get to help turn great kids into fine, young, happy and healthy adults.

I have been blessed with my children and I will do whatever it takes to help them grow into great adults. I have seen hints that all that I am doing now is making a difference in their lives. They may not always admit it, it is not cool to say you want your mom to be there, but they do look for me and can not wait to tell me all about it, even if I was there and saw everything. I am told that someday they will appreciate everything I have done, so in the meantime I will take what little crumbs I can get and sit back and enjoy the fruits of being a GOOD single parent.

If You Love a Convict, You Are Not Alone

I started this blog because I thought I could not possibly be the only one trying to survive on the outside as a spouse of an inmate.  I was looking to connect with other people who knew what it was like to visit your loved one in prison, deal with family and friends who did not quite understand what you were going through and seem to put parts of your life on hold while you just wait.  And over the life of the blog, your responses have told me that I was right.

Have I met anyone directly because of this blog? No. But I have been privileged to talk, e-mail and chat with some of the finest people this world has to offer.  They are people who know a deeper love than most people will ever get to experience.  They have decided that they are willing to wait, endure the humiliation and offer all the support they can physically offer to someone who made a few bad choices in their life.

I wanted to offer a road map for others to follow since I would have loved a few sage words of advice, but instead I have been inspired by the strength that I see in these people and by the love that I feel in knowing that I am not alone in my experiences.  We are all at different points of the journey and we all respond in different ways, but as a whole I would declare all these people to be the greatest role models that we could ever offer. 

There is a strength within each one of them that gives me the confidence to know that we will all get through this, survive and even prosper.  They have courage to get up every day and keep fighting, whether it be to just make it through another day or to stand up and fight the system that continues to lock up our loved ones because of ignorance and political gain.  They all possess an awesome ability to look beyond the surface and see people for who they really are and see the inner kindness that others seem to miss.  They refuse to judge other people based only on what they hear, learning to form their own judgments based on their own experiences and perceptions.  Their capacity for loving another human being makes them someone that I would seek out and gladly call my friend. 

Others may look at us and wonder what kind of person would choose to stay with a felon, prisoner, or convict?  What is wrong with us that we do not leave?  But I am here to tell you that I would seek out these people knowing that they would make the greatest friends anyone could ever hope to have.  I have been blessed to meet some people in a similar situation and I will have you know that they have become wonderful friends to me in the short time that I have known them.  The relationship that we share is similar to a relationship that has many years and experiences behind it.  I lost some of those lifelong relationships in this process, but I am so much more confident in the new ones that I now have.

I wish that the on-line groups had a category called "Convict Lover" because I would reach out and make friends with all of them.  You could do no better if you can claim even just one of us as a friend.

Counseling for the Spouses of Inmates

I once spoke to an "expert" who called us the forgotten victims, but when my husband stopped paying him due to his incarceration I was once again forgotten.  Sarcasm aside, when all of this started I was constantly looking for a place to turn for advice, sympathy or just an nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on.  I had a very hard time finding anything. 

I happened to be at the family physicians office the day after the news hit the papers for one of my children, and I was an emotional wreck, so believe it or not, the doctor saw me without an appointment.  Maybe it was the crying uncontrollably in the waiting room that encouraged a quick visit.  He prescribed some anti-anxiety medication and referred me to a counselor and sent me on my way.  I called the counselor and took her first available appointment.  She was very nice, but like most people I knew, she had very little experience dealing with people in my situation.  They deal with victims, anger, grief, and all those emotions that the general population deals with everyday but they don't often have someone walk in their door who has lived a middle class life only to have everything shattered by crime and incarceration.

I continued to see her for about a year, and although I did enjoy venting with her, I felt at times that my life was more like a soap opera, and that she needed to catch up on what happened from one episode to another when I came in.  Did I ever have any brilliant "ah ha" moments...no.  But I did like talking with someone who could remain objective. 

I also had the opportunity to sit with the "expert" and a whole group of spouses for a research project about us as the forgotten victims.  I felt energized sitting in a room with all these women who faced the same situation and were all dealing with it differently.  Some held their heads high and keep moving forward while others admitted to hiding in bed and not wanting to leave their homes.  Even when the group meeting officially ended, we continued to talk and share stories outside.  It was an inspiring moment for me, and one I looked forward to being a part of again.  It was at this time that my husband's incarceration was looming so he was tying up loose ends and ended his sessions with this Dr.  so I guess my time ended with him as well.  I was never invited back to the group.

Even during the time when I was seeing my counselor, I still felt the need to connect with other people in my shoes.  I found some groups through the Internet, but nothing was local for me.  I found many on-line forums which I tried.  The forums allowed me to ask some questions, and remain anonymous, but many times I did not get answers to my questions.  I think it may be because on-line there is no real commitment to be there every day.  Some one who might have the answer to my question might not log on for a day or two and may never see my question if they are not looking where I posted it.  No fault to the forums, I have found them to be a valuable resource for information, they just did not work for me to fill that need for sympathetic friendship.  Call me old fashioned but I would much rather pick up the phone and call someone, than spend 20 minutes texting comments back and forth.  I can't hear their laughter, hear the smile in their voice and get a true indication of their real emotional state just by reading a typed message.  I have had the privilege of meeting, and talking with some wonderfully strong women via e-mail and on the phone and they have continued to inspire me to keep going.

So I continued looking.  It was during all this that I started this blog.  I thought if I was out there looking then other people must be looking too.  This is not the first time this happened and it won't be the last.  I have found comfort in the e-mails and comments that I have received and continue to receive from readers.  I hope that I can only pave the way for those who are unfortunately following in my footsteps. 

It was also the same time that I decided that if I could not find a group to join then maybe I could start my own.  I placed a phone call to a counselor through the Federal system that my husband had worked with and was I surprised to learn that another group had just started and they were actually having a meeting that night.  There was no way I could make that meeting but I called right away and made sure I was on the list for the next one. 

As a group, we share our stories, we share information and resources, but most of all we are active in trying to effect change for our loved one.  Some of us are spouses, many are parents, there are siblings and friends all with a common bond and a hope of a future goal.  We are a sub group of one of the many national campaigns to change the laws of this country that seem to effect so many, but we are making a difference. 

I can not begin to tell you how wonderful it is to sit in a room where people know your story, but make no judgments and offer nothing but support and love.  I still use my on-line forums and groups from time to time but I am in awe of the support I receive from my new group.  We are not a family by blood, but are family by circumstance.

Celebrating the Little Things

I did it!!! Well I didn't really do anything except pay for it...but for me that was a great accomplishment.  Today I took my oldest son to the Orthodontist and he finally had his braces removed! Celebrate! 

It has been a process that started when he was 8 or 9, we could not really remember, with all the different stages.  We had just begun the full braces when the world changed for us, so needless to say I still had them to pay for.  You can't just stop in the middle and tell the Dr. to take them off because you can't afford to pay for them. 

One lump sum to start with and then a very large coupon book.  The payment was enough for a small used car.  Many months it was late and in actuality I went beyond the original payment terms but I finally got them paid for earlier this year.  I thought that was a great accomplishment until I got to see my son smile with a beautiful, straight and healthy smile.

I am sure he is glad to finally get them off, but I am the one who feels like doing cart wheels.  To me it means so much more.  It means that I was able to do what I needed to do to get them paid for, drive him back and forth every 5 to 6 weeks for all those appointments and make sure we did everything we were supposed to do to end up with a healthy smile.  It is a seemingly small accomplishment, yet for me it feels so important, I am sure when I look back on all of this there will be many, but for right now it is one of the tangible ones that I can be proud of.  

Someone told me last week that I am doing a great job and someday my kids will tell me that they appreciate everything I did.  However, they also said it probably will not be for another 5 or 10 years.  If that is indeed the case, then I have to take those feelings of accomplishment whenever and wherever I can get them.  These are the things that get me through the days when nothing seems to be going my way.

It also means that more time has passed and we are another milestone closer to my husband coming home, although he will only see the smile in pictures for now.  The picture of his new smile is already in the mail and on the way to Dad so he can see it to.  It is a time to celebrate an accomplishment, in this time of our lives we look for reasons to celebrate anything. 

I need to hang on to this feeling for a long time, because although my daughter does not need braces, (yeah!) my youngest probably will.  So I am already planning 1 to 2 years ahead to prepare for the cost.  I would love to pay once and be done, but it is nice to know that if I need to makes payments I can.  I just hope all the work and effort lasts longer than the small used car I could have bought.

Taking Time for Myself

I spend almost every hour of every day taking care of someone else's needs.  I wake in the morning, force myself to do my treadmill work, so I can stay healthy for everyone else, then the rest of the day belongs to someone else.  I have to get the kids up and moving, off to school, practices or church and then I head off to work.  At work, I am the "parent" there as I am the only female working with up to 20 males and my position is one where I know everything that is going on so I am the one everyone comes to.  I keep things moving smoothly there and keep everyone on course.  Then it is time to head home, I need to pick up someone from here or there while trying to get some kind of dinner on the table. 

My day does not end there.  Time to do homework, laundry, dishes or any of the thousands of other tasks that may be screaming to be accomplished.  In any of the free time I have during the day, I am doing research and reading current legislation to keep up to date on the criminal system that I am now a part of.  Writing my husband his daily letter is the last thing I do just before I go to sleep.  Before I know it, it is time for bed so I can start it all over again the next day. 

Don't take this as a complaint because most days I enjoy having a job and a goal to keep me moving and thinking every day, but I also understand that a person can not keep doing for others.without sometimes taking time for themselves.  I have learned to recognize these times in myself.  They seem to solve themselves in one of two ways, either I have a melt down and have to take a "me" vacation or my mind seems to just shut down and I don't want to think. 

My little vacations may be just parking myself in front of the television for the afternoon and doing absolutely nothing, or maybe just doing something that I want to do regardless of what other people think.  Hanging out in the hammock reading a good novel or spending the day with friends who do all the cooking are other vacations I have taken.  It ends up being a time when I don't spend all my time worrying about what I should be doing or who needs me to do something. 

The times when my brain seems to shut down are a bit more difficult to describe, I have been going through one of those times most recently.  My mind does not want to put forth any information, the thought of writing another letter just seems to overwhelming.  I don't want to read another article or news story, I don't want to deal with any major problems at work.  All I want to do is learn...seems odd, but it is during this time that I am drawn to the library and I come home with a stack of books to read.  My mind is a sponge that needs to be wrung out because it is too heavy, then once it is empty it needs to be refilled with something different.  Fiction novels, biographies, self-help, inspirational, any thing that is going to relight the spark and get me moving again is fair game.

I need to be refueled, I need to find those powerful words that are going to inspire me to keep going.  I need to feel reassured that this too shall pass and that we will all be the better for it.  I need to know that there are people out there who face far graver situations than my own and yet survive and flourish.

I have finished 3 or 4 books this week and have a few more to get through.  I actually read 2 or 3 at a time.  I always keep one in the car for the hours I spend waiting to pick someone up from someplace.  I write down words and phrases that inspire me and feel the energy coming back.

I need to get there soon because I am off to spend some time with family.  It has been a year since my mother passed away and we will be getting together to remember her.  I may need one more trip to the library for something really, really funny to make me laugh out loud.

I am not sure if any one way is better than another, but I am sure that they are better than doing nothing at all.  It could be pretty scary if I did not find a way to regroup.  I am learning to read my own emotions and learning how to handle them in a world in which I seem to have little direct control, I am just following the flow of the river and trying to keep from falling out of the raft.

The Ever Changing World

I seem so much more aware of the ever changing world around me.  It has become my job to live my life both for me and for my husband.  I am responsible for sharing every little event with him in some way.  It may be a few words in a phone call or it may be a long descriptive narrative in a letter.  In the process of watching life as though I am a camera lens and mentally recording everything, I find that I am much more attune to the changes that are occurring around me.
 
I spoke with my brother last night and he informed me that this would be my father's last holiday season at home.  His health and mental capacity are deteriorating very quickly and if time permits, at the start of the new year, he will have to be placed in a nursing home.  The family believes that at that time he would not even be cognizant of his surroundings and his daily care is becoming much more than any one person can handle.

This news does not surprise me since I have seen him slowly fading away from us as the dementia slowly eats away at who he is.  I believe that after my mother passed away he lost a lot of the fight that used to be in him.  What makes me ponder this next phase, is all the new changes that it will bring?  Both my parents will be gone, I feel like I am way to young to loose both parents, but it is an adjustment that I will have to get used to.  Going home will never be the same.  My brother will be in the house, but going home meant more than going to a specific place.  It meant going to where life was safe, it was a place where love was given unconditionally, and it meant surrounding myself with people who were always in my corner no matter what.

How does life change again?  The family dynamic changes yet again, I will only have my bother and his family left as part of my immediate family.  I have a sister, but for her reasons, we have not had any type of familial relationship for way too many years.  I would love to have a relationship with her but it is for her own reasons and I have accepted her choices for now.  I have a wonderful, extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins who remind me how wonderful my family genes are when we can get together.  I make the effort to see them whenever possible.  It works out to 2 or 3 times a year but that is better than nothing.  Many times it was only for weddings and funerals, and as we are all getting older it is more often a funeral now than a wedding.  But there is so much joy in spending time with family even in a time of sorrow that I find their presence such a comfort and unbelievably uplifting.

I watch my children grow and mature and record every little occasion of significance only to relay to my husband later.  A compliment from a teacher at school becomes fodder for a long paragraph about how well our kids are getting along.  A small accomplishment or change, such as one of them eating tuna or peanut butter, since they used to not like it, now finds itself documented and mailed off as part of today's events.  Do we all look at the world and our surroundings so closely? or am I the exception because of the situation that has been placed before me?

I am in the middle of all this change and am sometimes overwhelmed by it all, I can not begin to imagine how it will impact my husband.  The world will be a different place when he comes home and we will all be different people.  Time has stopped for him, his world is this one place for the next 2 plus years and what goes on outside those walls is just words and stories.  It will be testament to his character and strength in how he adjusts to all the changes and the challenges he has yet to face.

Nothing in the Federal Prison System is Easy

My husband is the guy who needs to wear his glasses to bed so he can see what he is dreaming about, so needless to say, his glasses are the first thing he puts on in the morning and the last thing he takes off.  He planned, and took care of many things in anticipation of his incarceration, but he could not find the time or money to get new glasses.  He wears the typical coke bottle lenses, so, for years we paid extra for the new technology which offered thinner lenses, had the edges rounded, and any coatings which would all make them look better and yet still allow him to see.

Unfortunately, now those old glasses are becoming scratched and difficult to see through.  He did manage to get an eye exam and an updated prescription.  Of course over three years his prescription has changed.  As an inmate, they are not allowed to have anything valued over $100.  They can wear their wedding ring as long as it has no stones in it and his eye wear can not exceed the $100 value either. 

Since he can not function without his glasses, my husband put in a request for the special, prison glasses while he waited for me to find him some new glasses on the outside.  Well, the prison glasses are the old heavy plastic frames and are made by other inmates.  He thought they were making him sick because it was a new prescription but now he is not sure if they were even made correctly.  One of the other inmates has to use his glasses upside down and backwards in order to see anything. 

I did manage to get him a new pair of frames and lenses for $99 with a copy of his new prescription that he sent to me, but the problem now is trying to get the glasses to him.  He has to put a request form through so that when the glasses are sent in, there is an authorization on file for him to receive them.  It originates in one office and then is forwarded to the medical office, and then from there it is sent back to him so he can then forward it on to me where I then send it back with the glasses and a receipt showing the purchase price.  The problem is, the form has an expiration date and everything needs to be done before it expires. 

I was able to get his glasses on Aug. 26 and it was at that time that he started the internal process to get his form approved.  Here it is a whole month later and he has not had the form returned to him yet and it will expire on Oct. 1st.  He has checked with the medical department and was told they would try to find it, but as of today, he has not received anything.  If he does get it today, it will take 2 to 3 days for me to receive it via snail mail, so I might get the form by the 28th or 29th.  Anyone who does business with the US Post office knows that there is no way he will have those glasses by Oct. 1, and anyone who has sent something to a federal prison knows that you really have no other options for shipping anything.  It is not like I could send it UPS. 

I am not trying to send him money, or what they would call contraband.  I am trying to send him glasses so he can function and see what he is doing and where he is going.  He had glasses when he came in, he has a signed prescription from their doctor, and I have met all the cost requirements so why can't I just get him his glasses. 

People talk of the luxury prisoners sit back with enjoying life on the taxpayers dime, with their cable TV, and all the amenities but I can assure you that this is not the case in every facility.  The biggest guy gets to decide what to watch on TV,a mattress that is only 4 inches thick, and living and sleeping in a room with 10 others guys is not what I would call living in the lap of luxury. 

For those of you that think this is easy, I would gladly offer you my shoes.  The things we take for granted, like being able to put on a pair of glasses to read the paper are things we have to fight for and spend way too much energy on.  Reading his letters, I really appreciate my fresh apples and bananas and on Sunday morning, my over easy eggs taste extra special, unless I choose to have waffles instead...but I can and so can you.

Two Very Powerful Words

A series of events took place recently that really got me thinking about our place in this world and how we relate to each other, and in those thoughts something seem to hit me like a baseball bat.  There are two words (three if you are really picky) which can change our families, our communities, and even the world.  Those words are I'M SORRY. 

I know it is our nature to hate to admit when we have done something wrong whether intentionally or not, but the power behind those words is worth the humility it requires.  Think of the last time you screwed up at work, how much energy did you spend trying to hide from the error?  Consider the power that you would have had, had you just taken responsibility for the mistake and offered to fix the problem.  I have seen it in action, and have heard from other employees how impressed they were that one person stood up and owned the problem.

It happens in our personal lives with families and friends.  None of us want to admit that we are not perfect but in preserving our own perfection we are hurting those closest to us.  When those two words, I'm sorry, are shared, both sides win.  Instantly any feelings of hurt are washed away and we have humbled our selves by admitting that we too make mistakes.  The person on the receiving end gets more than an apology, they also know that you care about their feelings and value your relationship.

Thinking globally, how many situations occur every day that may simply have been avoided had one side simply said "I'm sorry and we were wrong."  Our human stubbornness kicks in and prevents us from being the one to back down.  How many times have you watched or listened to politicians and known that certain things were agreed upon just so they could save face and not look like they were wrong?

Think about the great comeback stories through out our lives, many of them earned the opportunity to try again by simply saying I'm sorry, I made a mistake, and I need to change.  The list is long and distinguished but a question today is why can't we offer that same opportunity to those closest to us, the not so famous but the oh so more important. 

The road to redemption, whether it is short or long, begins with an apology, but unless it is received with an open heart and mind it ultimately goes nowhere.  It is truly a two way street and one that some of us refuse to travel. 

For those seeking forgiveness, start with a heartfelt apology and for those on the receiving end, remember what is was like for you that last time someone offered to forgive you.  The power is in our hands to change the world with two words.

The Invisible Man

 A thought came to mind the other day as I was filling out the endless amount of forms and notices sent home from the school and teachers on the first few days of school.  I no longer put my husband's name, address or phone number on any of the forms.  He is still their father, but my original thoughts were that it was for contact information and since it would be impossible for anyone to contact him, what would be the point of putting that information out there.  Another form asks who the children reside with, and of course, it is just with their mother.  Taking my daughter to play for a new high level sports team, and the team rooster lists the players, moms and dads and all their contact information.  My daughters name, simply listed MOM, the line for Dad was empty.

It seems that the very nature of the system necessitates making my husband invisible in the lives of our children.  Is he considered a "non-parent" because he can not receive all those e-mail updates from the teachers about upcoming homework and tests?  He is not even listed as a person to contact in case of an emergency.  I can't even contact him easily in an emergency...and I know because I had to. 

The federal prison system is inherently designed to put a greater distance between my husband and his children.  They claim their goal is to keep families together and to create a  support system for the offender but is does just the opposite.  He is only allowed 300 phone minutes a month at 15 maximum each call.  At 15 minutes you are simply just cut off.   He spends most of those minutes on calls to home but does use some to call his parents. 

He is 500+ miles away from his family at a facility four states away.  Right now he has no access to e-mail, which for kids growing up now is a basic form of communication. Although I am told that the facility is adding the infrastructure to add e-mail.  But I am also cautious because we are not certain of the fees to use such a service, they charge so much for phone calls, one can only think that the cost will be well beyond what most can afford to use regularly. 

There is a physical distance, an emotional distance and a complete lack of his influence in their lives on a daily basis.  We see him once a year because of the costs and distance to travel.  He may have to opportunity to talk to any one of them only once a week for a few minutes.  Regular mail is slow and ineffective for young children to express everything they want to share.   The normalcy of our lives does not include him in any way.  We do many things now as a family, sometimes never even thinking that he is not part of our activities.

So you tell me, how easy will it be for him to come home and be a functioning member of society, when we are not even sure he can be a functioning member of our family.  I can only imagine that things will be very difficult to fit back into the family dynamic for all of us.  My oldest will be in college and my youngest will have started high school.  They will all be young adults and when he left they were young children.   What are the benefits to society that he be incarcerated this way?  Other than to serve as retribution for those that simply want to punish him, there is nothing else positive to be gained by this experience that could not have been taught in another way. 

Instead of just punishing him, we his family, are also being punished.  Someone needs to look my three children in the eye and tell them what they did within their young lives to suffer such a punishment.  Someone needs to tell them why their father is now "The Invisible Man"

A Year Older, But A Year Better?

September, it is the time when the kids head back to school, summer is quickly becoming a distant memory, the leaves will change colors and fall very quickly and it is also the month I turn another year older.  Birthdays were never really celebrated much in my house growing up so I never really expect much.  Although there is still that small hope that hides inside that this year, your birthday will be the best day ever.  I try not to let that hope grow too much because then I would definitely be disappointed. 

Now especially, when the one person in the world, who is supposed to care about you more than any other person, is unable to do anything for you, who is left?  This year I will not even get that one card from my Mom since this will be my first birthday without her here.  Your birthday comes and goes quietly and maybe one or two cards in the mail, but for the most part a pretty uneventful day.  Don't get me wrong, I am not expecting party clowns, surprise parties, or even a thousand gifts.  I would just like to know from the people that mean the most to me, that I mean the most to them. 

Ideal gifts would be coming home from work to a clean house, dinner made and a nice dessert from the kids.   A few phone calls or messages from the rest of the world letting me know that I have not been forgotten.  I spend my life taking care of three wonderful kids, holding down a full time job and trying to keep my husband a part of our lives as best I can that I get lost in everything that I am doing for everyone else.  I would like someone to take care of me and care about what I think just for a few minutes. 

Not sure how things will play out this year, but I have already told my husband that he has a bunch of making up to do when he comes home.  So I will just add this to his list. 

But am I better in addition to being older?  I would like to think so.  I am much more patient with the kids (although they probably would not agree), I am much more tolerant of other people, I have learned to forgive,  I have learned to go without, I have learned to appreciate the little things in life, I have learned to accept help when it is offered,  and I have learned to ask for help when I need it (although it is still very hard to do).  I find myself standing taller and laughing more.  I approach life much differently than I did just a few years ago.    I am confident that we will get through this and yet we will all be OK and be a family again when we get to the other side. 

So am I better?  Yes.  I would have to admit that I am a better person because of everything we have gone through.  Every bump, every road block has affected me in a positive way and made me grow as a person.  Like a piece of coal under great stress and force, a diamond eventually emerges...so here's to hoping I do not crack under the pressure.

Burdens of Single Parenthood

Returned from our visit/vacation all in one piece.  Spent about 8 hours with my husband over the course of two days and spent the rest of the time enjoying a mini vacation.  After 6 days on the road with 3 kids all I have to say is " Why would anyone choose to be a single parent?"  I was more stressed out on the ride home than I was on the way down.  Don't misunderstand me, overall we had a really nice time and everyone had fun...but! 

It is the natural being of teenagers to complain about everything,  the color of the hotel, the kind of lawn mower they use, the traffic, the food, the rooms, the size of the hotel, too sunny, not enough sun, too hot, too cold and on and on.  And yet after all the complaints I knew they were actually enjoying themselves and having fun.  Why can't they tell me that they had fun, thank you Mom, the food was good and we enjoyed the beach. 

My nerves were raw by the time we headed home because I kept trying to tell myself that this is how they are, they really can't help it.  Unfortunately the top blew off the bottle in the car over the last hour drive.  I needed to vent and that was the end of the vacation. 

I missed my husband on vacation for a number of reasons but one of the main ones was to help absorb all the "teenager vibes" and direct them over two people instead of just one.  Thinking of a sponge, two sponges will absorb the same amount of liquid as one but not get as wet and heavy.  I needed someone to share the weight. 

I missed having him there just to share time and in the decision making.   You don't realize how many decisions you need to make while on vacation, like which hotel to stay at and where and what to eat for dinner.  You pick the wrong dinner choice and then you get to listen to the complaining all during dinner.  Don't ask the kids what they would like for dinner because they will just say "I don't know" or "I don't care" but pick the wrong one and you will here about it.   Ugh!  

Traveling with three kids as a single parent, I guess, is not any more fun than living with them everyday as a single parent.  When people give up so easily on marriages and opt for the life of a single parent it still amazes me.  I understand that for some people it is necessary, but I know some people personally who just quit when things got a bit too hard.  In my opinion, being a single parent is so much harder than working on a marriage that I would take the marriage any day.  Sure, there is some one to share the joys with but better yet, there is someone there to share all the burdens.

Every Family goes to Prison for Vacation

In two short days we are headed out of town for our family visit with my husband.  It is almost a 10 hours drive and with three kids, not an easy trip.  Especially when they know that they will be spending their vacation behind barbed wire. 

Trying to make it as memorable and upbeat as possible, I am hoping we can split the trip up and have some adventures on the way down and on the way home.  Don't get me wrong, we are all very excited to see my husband, since it has been over a year since we were able to see him last, but the environment and cicircumstances still make the visits very difficult.  Not every kid wants to go back to school in the fall and have their "what I did over summer vacation" include getting up at sunrise to be first in line for prison time, passing through metal detectors, sitting in a visitors room with other prisoners and their families and having to leave Dad behind yet again.

I have not told the kids about all the little side trips that I have planned because I want them to be excited about going and let them decide the ultimate destinations.  Some of the stops are free (yes I did manage to find a few free activities), I have downloaded coupons for others (obviously not free, but trying to save pennies everywhere I can) and printed out lists of other things we can do as a family on our way to and from prison.

The prison is not too far from the ocean so of course that is one of the big destinations.  We go there after the prison visit.  It helps curb the disappointment and sadness when we have to leave him behind yet again.  Thanks to friends and family I have a few extra dollars for some mad money to spend and hopefully for us all to eat well, have fun and make memories.  Memories that will include visiting prison for 2 days and spending some time with Dad, even if you have to sit there for  4-6 hours just talking, it is still better than nothing.

Does this bother the kids?  Not sure.  I think it bothers some more than others, heck I would be lying if I said it did not bother me but we all manage to get through it.  Will these be fond memories of the their childhood?  Believe it or not I certainly hope so.  Months of planning has gone into this trip so as to make it as vacation like as possible so I hope that we can all come home and be glad that we went and carry those memories of the whole trip with us until we can get back there again. 

I am looking forward to the day when we can ALL take that family vacation together and not have to plan it around a Federal Correctional Facility.  It would be nice to go to the ocean because we want to play in the waves and not because it is close to where Dad is locked up.  Only two more summer vacations without Dad and then we can spend them together again.  That was supposed to make me feel better!  I guess it does when you consider we have two down already.

Fighting the Storm Cloud

Even after 2 1/2 years since the police first knocked on my door at 6:20am and 1 1/2 years into my husbands incarceration you would think that I would have gotten over all the emotional issues by now.  Well I am here to tell you that that is definitely not the case. 

Granted, things are tremendously better.  I have more good, dare I say great days, than bad days but those bad days still manage to sneak into my life.  Why are there bad days?  Heck, I wish I knew.  I just wake up some mornings with this awful sense of dread hanging around.  It feels like a dark rain cloud is following me around.  For example,  this morning I woke up, put on the work out clothes and headed down to the treadmill.  Spent my 30 minutes listening to my upbeat exercise music and working out.  Jumped in the shower and suddenly, I just feel awful.  Why?  Exercise is supposed to make you happier, it is supposed to increase endorphins...not for me this morning. 

I finish getting ready for work and out the door I go.  The whole drive to work all I can think about is how I do not want to go.  The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day, the sun roof is open and yet I feel like Eeyore looking up at the storm cloud following me.  I can not put a label on why I feel this way.  Nothing new has happened, things have been relatively normal and nothing is upsetting the apple cart so why do I want bury my head in the pillow and hide?  At times feeling like I am on the verge of tears, why?  I have yet to figure this one out. 

I feel bad about feeling bad because I tend to be shorter with the kids.  My patience is gone and one comment that may have been glossed over some other time suddenly becomes a hot button.  I almost want to wear a warning sign that tells them to proceed with caution when around me when I feel this way. 

The funny thing is, it goes as quickly and as quietly as it comes.  It may be gone by lunch, linger all day or simply hide beneath the surface until some small "thing" brings it back up.  Is it the loneliness, anger, self-pity, sadness or simply just exhaustion?  The possible list is endless and it could be any combination.  How do you combat the unknown  How do you fight it when it appears?  I keep trying to look for the positive but I think it is my mind giving me a day off from trying so hard to be happy during a difficult situation. This experience did not came with a map or an owners manual and for someone who actually reads the instruction book, that seems to be a problem.

Where Do I Find Support?

Part of the reason I started this blog was because when my husband was first arrested, it seemed I had no where to turn for support.  I was looking for support, guidance and words of wisdom from any place I could find it.  When a large percentage of my friends were no longer available for me to talk to, I had to find that support from someone or someplace else. 

I was always an avid reader, but I discovered that I could escape my life by spending time in a fictional one between the covers of a book, but fate intervened when I picked up certain fiction books which seemed to be exactly what my soul needed to hear.  One of the first books I read was by Andy Andrews called "The Travelers Gift".  It was fiction or was it, but there was so much truth and such a glorious message in the story that I immediately felt a deep connection to the story.  Some would call it fiction, or inspirational, or faith based novel, but all I knew was that is was the medicine my heart needed to begin healing. 

"The Travelers Gift" was quickly followed by "The Ultimate Gift" by Jim Stovall.  Again, it was another uplifting tale of how one can change their life for the better no mater where they come from and what is put in front of them.  Both stories were true GIFTS to me.  I have since become a fan or both Andy Andrews and Jim Stovall.  I have many of the other stories they have written and consider myself truly blessed to have discovered these priceless gems.  Andy Andrews recently released "The Island of Saints" under a new title called "The Heart Mender"  and I highly recommend this book for anyone struggling with the idea of forgiving.

I soon began looking for more answers and guidance between the pages of books.  Other novels that became part of the healing for me were about things like finding God in the worst life has to offer, valuing life above all else and not being afraid to die, being aware of the world around us and how we fit into it, viewing the world from another's perspective could change the way we ourselves see the world, and learning to forgive and love those around us in spite of what they may have said or done. 

The list has slowly grown very long and my book shelves keep getting fuller.  I did start by borrowing some from the library but the really special ones needed a permanent place in my home.  I would buy them at book sales or online for the littlest costs as possible.  Some were given to me by caring friends who also found aid in the messages the books offered.

I have since found people to offer support to and get it myself, but I still continue to find many answers and pearls of wisdom between the covers of a good book.  I still like to escape into someone else's life but I have also found many answers there.  For those of you struggling to get through a difficult time I would recommend looking for a book.  We are not alone on this planet and many have gone before us to offer some help along the way, take advantage of what they have to tell us.

Starting the Repairs

Things going fairly smoothly right now.  Keeping busy with summer activities, and enjoying the nice weather before it is gone in the blink of an eye.  Struggling to plan and pay for a visit to see my husband sometime next month.  His parents promised to visit him this past weekend but cancelled at the last minute.  I did not put much faith in them stopping in to see him but still felt bad for him none the less when they cancelled.  What kind of parents can find something better to do than visit their own son at least once a year?  It would take an act of nature to keep me away from my children.

My husband finally responded to my request for an accounting of the things he has done against our family which landed him where he is now.  In his response, he has opened up a dialogue for us to share thoughts, feelings and ideas about what happened and why.  In that, we are trying to work out where to go from here.  He currently is not eligible for any counseling, and based on what he has learned, he is not sure he would partake of it anyway since everything inmates say becomes part of their permanent file.  Nothing is private.  This is our opportunity to begin to repair and understand all the damage that has been done to our family by his choices. 

Communication has always been a short fall for my husband so this is a very difficult thing for him to work on, yet being able to put it on paper and not directly to my face may make it easier to put his real thoughts down.  There has been some yelling, (as much as you can yell on paper) but has been well received by both with an open mind.  Not saying that this will solve all the issues that are floating out there and that when he comes home there still won't be a huge amount of work to do but hopefully it is a foundation to continue to build on.

We have a large amount of time to work through everything, which is good, because in translation and putting your thoughts and questions on paper is subject to interpretation.  What I may want him to focus on, he focuses on something completely different, so in the time we have, we may eventually get through everything we want to and need to.  Nothing says everything needs to be solved right away, in that way time is on our side.

Making the best of what we have been given has become a goal, and a necessity.  Finding joy in the sunshine and the smile on the faces of the children and in a quick 15 minute phone call, that is a special gift I have learned in all of this.  Joy is in the small things that are around us every day, they are there but some people do not every stop long enough to see them.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder?

I am busy finishing up the the school year for the kids and filling in the calendar with all their summer events.  Things like basketball camps, softball camps and all the other leagues that seem to occupy so much of our time.  I am also trying to plan a visit to see my husband in August.  It will have been over a year since we have seen him.  It is an 11 hour drive and obviously requires a hotel stay or two so it is not an inexpensive trip by any means.  I am booking hotels early as I have the money, hoping that I do not get hit with the costs all at once.

But my bigger question for today is, what should we expect?  It has been almost a year and a half since he has been a part of our daily lives and over a year since we have even seem him.  I write everyday and talk to him three times a week for our allotted 15 minutes each call.  But I feel a distance between us.  Not because of anything either on of us has ever said or done, but just because of the physical distance between us.   I try to keep him up to date on everything that is going on with us.  I send a monthly calendar, update him in the letters of all the days activities and try to think of all the important things to tell him when we talk.  Yet when the phone rings I do not want to waste time on silly things and then can not think of anything else to talk about.  I do not want to always be whining and telling him I wish he was here.  I think that only makes things worse.  I am not saying that that does not happen, I just try not to let it happen too often.

He lives in a world that I can not begin to completely understand and may never want to.  I know what he tells me and sometimes even that is too much.  He seems to have friends, keeps busy with his job, and attends all the required classes that will allow him to eventually come home on time.  But our lives are separate, we exist at the same time but not in the same place or even with the same goals at this point in our lives.  I am busy trying to raise three children into adults while working to maintain a minimal standard of living.  He is trying to keep a low profile and do what he needs to get done to come home safely in three more years. 

Time is flying by but at the same time it is crawling.  I measure his time away in the way the kids have changed and it seems like a lifetime ago, but if I look forward at how much longer he has, we are not even halfway to the end yet.

Does all this separation have a greater impact on us all in the long run?  How will he incorporate himself back into our lives?  I miss him tremendously and yet I am anxious about seeing him in August.  We will spend two visiting days with him, what will everyone have to say? 

I am not sure if this is the right way to handle all of this mess, but it is the only way that I know how for right now.  I would love to see him more often but the cost and distance makes it impossible.  So for now this is what we have to do.  My crystal ball is broken so I have no way of knowing that things will work out in the end...I can only hope.

Happy? Anniversary

Yesterday was my second wedding anniversary spent alone.  Days like that bring all the bad feelings right up to the surface.  My husband called early in the day because of his new work schedule and even though it was nice talking to him, those 15 minutes were way too short.  Then, instead of having something to look forward to during the day, it was over before the day had even started.  What more was there to hope for during the day?  I knew there would be no letter waiting when I got home either based on the mail schedule and patterns we have developed, there is usually nothing in the mail on Tuesdays.

But guess what? Life goes on.  Kids off to school, and me off to work, from work off to a baseball game and then before you know it, it is time for bed and the whole thing starts again.  I continue living life as the dysfunctional family that we have settled into.  We are not much different than most single parent households, but at the same time we are still different so it has still been difficult.  We are all still adjusting to our new roles and the expectations we all have for each other.  I never was one to shy away from making the decisions in the house but at the same time it seems daunting to be the one making ALL the decisions and handling everything.

We recently had 2 birthdays in the house and the oldest just turned 16 so he now has a permit and wants to drive everywhere.  In his eyes that makes him more of an adult, but anyone with a 16 year old knows that that is the furthest thing from the truth.  My daughter is officially a teenager now and is constantly going somewhere doing something.  We have a normal sense of chaos all the time which keeps me busy and keeps me from spending too much time thinking.

It is on days like this that I wonder what the future holds for us.  Who will he be when he comes home?  Will he change for the better? or worse? or maybe a combination of the two.  Better in some ways and worse in others.  Am I hoping for too much?  Am I creating an unrealistic picture of who I want him to be?  Like everything else, this will be just something else we will have to work through and hopefully come out with a positive outcome.  Part of me wonders if I am waiting for him now only to have the whole thing fall apart when he gets home and feel that I could have moved on sooner.  We know that there will be a period of adjustment for everyone and how that plays out, who knows.  As adults, we can understand that but what do you tell and expects from the kids?

But life continues for us all, and though I have allowed myself time to ponder the future I do not have the luxury to spend hours dwelling on it, which is a good thing.  I share as much of our lives with my husband as possible and continue to be the glue that is struggling to hold everything and everyone together.  I am told from people on the outside looking in that I am doing a great job but some days it does not feel like it so I appreciate the encouragement.  I will only truly see the fruits of my labor a long way down the road when I have 3 happy, healthy, well adjusted "adults" and a family that is still together and loving each other.

Reoccurring Theme

There seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life these days...forgiveness.  Everywhere I turn and around every corner it is staring right back at me.  For the last 2 years I have been battling the questions of forgiveness:  Why have I forgiven my husband?  Why can't others forgive him? Why do people question my ability to forgive? and on and on.

I am not sure I can begin to understand the answers to any of these questions.  Clarissa Pincola Estes was quoted as saying “How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all.” and that seems to sum it all up for me. Looking back on my life I realize that I have always been willing to forgive others, wishing that the best in them would win out.  And yet, I would be so confused as to why some people could not forgive anything.  I have members in my own family who have carried grudges or anger with them for decades.  Don't they realize that it is themselves that they are harming.

The same goes for society as a whole, we are quick to blame, point the finger, gossip and belittle those we feel have wronged the world, but carrying that within yourself only affects your own quality of life.  There is a point when your emotions only affect how you live and no one else.  Those negative feelings affect your health and your own personal relationships but ultimately they no longer affect the target of those feelings. 

Believe it or not one of the hardest people we have to forgive in our daily lives is to learn to forgive ourselves.  We are not perfect and I know I am not, but I strive for perfection and yet it is always just outside my grasp. Forgiving my own failings has been a lesson in all of this as well.

I have learned so much on my journey and yet have so much more to learn.  I have found people who forgive as easily and love simply.  I have found that I am more patient with imperfection, although still hardest on myself and I have found true joy in being able to tell those around me that I can offer them my forgiveness.  And true forgiveness is a gift both given and received.  Forgive today's imperfections, for tomorrow offers the opportunity to begin again.

Energized

Feeling empowered lately, but the thanks for that goes to my Group.  We are a bunch of family members who are upset by the current legal system, punishments assigned to some crimes, and the disparity between federal and state sentences.  Our numbers are growing and that tells me that I am NOT alone.  I feel blessed to have these wonderful people in my life now and look upon them as part of the silver lining.  The only thing we all have in common is the situation of our loved ones, none of us knew each other prior to six months ago.

I had decided that if I could not find a support group for myself I would start one and it is with the first phone call to try to find others that I found out this group had recently started.  I had only missed 1 meeting.  As far as we know we are the only organized group in the county. They are parents, spouses and children who are looking to fight the system.  We have sent out letters to the Judicial Review Committee, national politicians and have already met with some of our local Congressmen. 

It feels good to direct my energy in a positive direction.  I wish there was a group out there for everyone going through this.  Being in a room with people who have walked in your shoes and make no judgements is a humbling feeling and leaves you with such a feeling of warmth and belonging that I can not begin to verbalize how great it really is.

Not sure any of it will get my husband home earlier but I know it will help some family in the future not go through the same things that we have all had to endure, and that thought keeps me going and going and going.

Stormy Day

They say into everyones life a little rain must fall, well I think I am drowning.  OK, it is not all that bad but some days it seems like for every one step forward I am pushed 2 steps back.

I had a summons for jury duty this morning (that is crazy enough, me on a jury right now!), so I had some extra time in the morning before I had to leave so I started some spring cleaning, washed some curtians and throw rugs while a did my time on the treadmill.  BIG MISTAKE, not sure what happened but I came back to steamed up windows and water going everywhere.  The dryer vent hose had become disconnected and the cold water attachment for the washer was spraying water everywhere.  Initially I was upset, shut off the water, cleaned up what I could and then I had to get ready to sit in a court room of all places. 

I spent the time hoping they did not call me, not because I did not want to serve, but because I did not want to have to share my story with a room full of stangers and explain why I am not sure I could be objective at this time in my life.  Days like today bring it all back up to the surface and remind me where I am today. 

Then I wonder, just when I think I am catching up and then get a new bill for additional charges on my car insurance because my credit is no longer perfect, am I not doing everything I should be?  Is there something more I should be doing?  A different path I should be on?  I am going to complain to MapQuest because the directions on this trip are awful!

Can not do any laundry right now, not until I fix the connection.  Yes, I will be doing my own plumbing, can not afford to pay anyone else and do not really have any one else to ask right now.  Is it terrible? No, but it is just one more thing that needs to get added to my list of things that I have to deal with in addition to coming up with the extra insurance money.  Yuck.  I thought I was just getting my head above water and actually catching up on everything, shame on me for thinking positive thoughts.

I did attend my son's basketball banquet which to some may not seem like such a big deal but for me it was the first "social" event that I had attended with the kids.  Previously I had been just dropped them off and came back and picked them up, but I felt it was time for me to take the next big step forward.  I went, I ate, I listened to the kudos for my son and then headed home feeling like I had climbed Mt. Everest, at least my Mt. Everest. 

I have found a special group of friends in a similar situation, some are parents, some are spouses and a few are children and I found them because I refused to believe that I was the only one going through this.  I was minutes away from starting my own group when one properly timed phone call lead me to their newly created group.  We meet about every 1 1/2 months, would love to meet more but we are all pretty busy, and offer support to each other but are also trying to change the system.  Our loved ones can' t be heard so we must speak for them and it gives me an opportunity to take everything I am learning and put it to use.

So I ask again, what direction should I be going?  I am trying to read the road signs but I think they are not written in English.  Though I pray for immediate answers I know that it is in His time and not mine that all the answers will come.

Life is an adventure.

The holidays have past and we have reached a point where life has finally settled into a routine that is now normal for us.  I am the sole parent of 3 happy and healthy teens and pre-teens who spends most of my time working and tending to their immediate needs.

There are some fun spots along the way and moments that I will not trade for anything.  I have been given a great gift to experience a sense of pride that I may never have otherwise felt. I had the opportunity to take the kids downhill skiing for the afternoon and we had a great time, lots of laughs and no tears.  I, ME, saved and planned for the day.  It was my dime and I was the one who got to see the appreciation and smiles and laughter on their faces.  To think that I was able to give them something that would bring them such joy is a feeling that I will always treasure.

Then I finally bought my first car.  It is a used car, but I picked it out and I paid for it (no car payments) and I am responsible for it.  I paid the insurance, cleaned it and had to put on my own registration sticker and my own license plates.  These may not seem like a big deal to some, but for me it is a giant step forward for me and for my family.  It is a sign that life is still moving forward and the path ahead is a little brighter.  

I still come home everyday looking for that letter in the mailbox and wait for one of the 3 phone calls I get a week but that too has become part of my routine.  Nothing is a bigger surprise than getting an unscheduled phone call at some unusual hour.  Hearing his ring tone during the day used to send my heart into my stomache, thinking it was bad news, but now I look forward to the surprise calls and the unexpected pick me up it might give.

My dad's health continues to decline but it seems to be by his choice and it is evident that he misses my mom.  I spend as much time with him as possible and always remind him that I love him, what else can I do.  I have learned to value the time you have together, make the most of every minute, because you do not know what tomorrow brings.

Not sure I would ever choose the road that I am currently on, but I am making the most of it and growing as a person.  Becoming more independent, but at the same time learning to ask and accept help from others.  Loving and realizing who the wonderful people are in my life brings warmth to my heart.  What an adventure, and who knows what the future holds.

Holidays Part II

I know it is February but in my world time passes either too slowly or way too quickly sometimes. Too slow when I think about days passing but way too quickly when I spend my time as a single parent being both mom and dad for three normal kids who still have a father, yet I am going in different directions all the time.

The holidays, namely Christmas, I already talked about what goodness I found in the giving of the holiday and kindness of others, so today I wanted to talk about how hard it was to get through what would normally be a joyous and merry time. I tried to make sure things were still OK for the kids, which meant the decorations, the trees, the cookies, church and family ties (and by family ties I mean the people who are my chosen family, not necessarily the blood family).

I put up the trees and decorations mostly by myself knowing that I would have to put them away by myself. That was a task we always shared, he would normally do the lights and I would put on the ornaments. I put up a few decorations outside although I really wanted to shut out the rest of the world. Found joy in making cookies and having fun making a mess in the kitchen. We made up some cookies for gifts for family and friends. So I did struggle with it all but managed to put on the appearance that all was well.

For me the hardest part was going to Christmas services, here we sat as a family and yet we are not a complete family. Part of the holiday was missing, like there was a hole in the middle of it. But I bit my lip and made it through. I had to stay up all by myself putting out the gifts, let me tell you that was not fun. Missing the laughing and talking and giggling, being as excited as the kids would be in the morning. Not this year. Hurry up and finished so I could get to bed because I was tired and I knew I would have to be up early in the morning. I was just walking through the motions. I was doing everything I thought I should be just for the kids.

I am not going to lie, parts of Christmas day were pretty awful. I really had to struggle to make it through, broken garage doors and everything (it is fixed now, I can fix anything because I have too). Friends came by and dragged us out of the house and we spent the best part of the day with them, thank heaven for angles. I did get to talk to my husband 3 times on Christmas day, wow! 45 whole minutes of conversation on the most blessed holiday of the year. Better than nothing I suppose.

I am relieved that it is over and one more year is down, and only a few more to go. So with every passing event brings us one day closer to being a family again. So with the moments of misery, there are moments of clarity when I realize that this will someday be over and I have learned to value what so many take for granted.

Happy Anniversary?

Before I get back to my holiday plight I had to take some time out to mark a solemn occasion and ponder how to best handle a very difficult time. Coming up at the end of this week is the anniversary of the day this nightmare began 2 years ago and also the day exactly one year ago when my husband was sentenced and immediately remanded. What a week!

So, do I hide at home for the 2 days in anticipation of them being very emotional? Lock myself away from the world and quietly wait for those days to pass, or do I pretend that they are just another day, get up, go to work and spend the days trying not to remember what I find difficult to forget?

No to all of the above. I do not want to find myself wallowing in some dark room hoping the world will quietly pass by. These 2 days will be on the calendar every year and nothing I do will get rid of them, so I have decided to face them head on with as much of a positive attitude that I can put together.

I have decided to take some time from work and spend that time doing positive and fun things with those who mean the most to me. I will be going skiing with my daughter on one day, and having a special day with a fellow Mom where we treat ourselves to lunch, a matinee, and even a pedicure, and another day will be spent with friends and family. In a twisted sort of way I am actually looking forward to these days now.

On the positive side, it has been one year since my husband has started serving his sentence and that means he is one year closer to coming home again. I can not believe that we have survived one year already, but I am still looking forward to only having one year left and the real count down can begin.

So is this a Happy Anniversary? Not really, but an anniversary that I have to learn to live through without it continuing to effect me in a negative way. That means I win this one!

One Holiday Season Down Part I

This was our first Christmas without my husband with us, so it has been a difficult time, and has taking me some time to process everything before I could share it.

I have never experienced such an outpouring of kindness from strangers and friends in my whole life. I have been given the Gift of Gratitude on a level few will ever get to experience. A colleague at work gave me some money to buy my children Christmas gifts, and I decided that I would give the money to the kids so they could buy gifts for each other. What a double gift that was! Not only did the kids have gifts from each other to open, but we also had the best time in the world shopping for each other and spending the time together really enjoying the true meaning of the season...the joy of giving to others.

My husband had been able to make a request through another charitable organization, gifts that he would like to give the kids from him. They contacted me, I fine tuned his gift requests and made arrangements for the gifts to be dropped off at the house. A local church group dropped off the gifts the Sunday before Christmas and I was so overwhelmed with their kindness. I hugged those kind ladies like they were my closest family, and felt such warmth and gratitude, but had no other way to express what I was feeling. Christmas morning when the gifts were opened, they were so much more than I could have ever imagined.

At the last minute, I had another request for a list from the kids what they would like, and another kind family came through with some additional, wonderful gifts. Even I had one or two to open Christmas day. A few gift cards were passed my way as well which made for a nice holiday dinner.

So the gifts that other people gave to us can never have a price placed on them. They were absolutely priceless on so many levels and I made sure my kids understood that most of our Christmas came from the kindness of strangers. What a lesson to learn and I hope that they can take this experience with them.

The highlight of the holiday was from the kindness of others. It helped make a very difficult time a little better. All I can offer is a big thank you and the opportunity in the future to be able to pay it forward.