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Thursday, May 31, 2012

The One Constant is....Change

We like to think that we live our lives most days with very few disruptions.  We look at our world and think that most of our days are spent in our everyday routines.  The only time things get thrown out of whack are when some major event happens and seems to change our lives.  We think of those times when we loose a job, the death of a loved one, the birth of a new family member or some natural disaster that sweeps in unexpectedly as times of change.

But it is in a microscopic look at our lives that we see change everyday, sometimes from one moment to the next.  The kid who woke up this morning and complained about not being able to find his sneakers, is not the same kid who will put his head back on that pillow tonight.  Every experience, every encounter has affected him in some way that makes him a different person than he was before.  All the people that have interacted with him have left their mark and some way changed who he will be forever.  Even the physical body changes constantly.   Anyone with a teenage boy knows that they never stop growing, and eating.  Their bodies change moment by moment, hair never stops growing...and spreading.  A pimple that was there today will be gone tomorrow. 

As adults, change is always there as well.  Maybe our bodies have stopped growing, but we are still maturing.  Hair continues to grow, for some it even stops growing.  Bodies change as our lifestyles have an impact on our physical appearance.  We should be getting wiser with all our new and varied experiences to learn from.  People come and go from our lives as part of our natural cycle.  We grow, have our own families, parents age, children grow and mature, parents pass away and children move away.

Some of the changes that we experience are shared common events, while others are unique and sometimes leave us feeling isolated.  Some changes are wonderful and we consider them blessings while others are times when we feel the most alone and left in the dark.  Within some changes you can find both the blessing and the darkness.

My thoughts today come from the fact that I watched my oldest son play his last official baseball game last evening.  I find such joy in watching him play that I feel like a large part of my happiness is now gone.  What am I to do?  I am excited for him heading to college in the fall, far away though.  I won't be able to see him except for the big holidays, but I am looking forward to watching him win at his next "event".  It may not be a ball game but it may be in a successful semester or a excellently completed project.  He will grow and change so much in his first semester away and I envy him being able to experience life as a young person testing the waters and out on your own.  He will be a different person and yet still the same when he comes back to see us.  I won't be able to see him "play" a game two or three nights a week but I will get to sit back and watch him excel in his life.     

Embrace the change, because they will be coming whether you want them to or not.  Good or bad, expected or unexpected, normal or out of the ordinary, change forces us to learn and grow.  If we make the most of it, we will always come out for the better, that does not mean that I can not sit back and wish I could keep him home a little bit longer and watch one more game.  I am his mom.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Have We Turned A Corner?

When it rains it pours they say and I guess that would apply to both the good and the bad.  This past week or so I have had the opportunity to experience some of the good pouring out. 

The biggest thing for me may not seem like much to others but for me it signifies a passing of some of the hurt and anger and a greater hope that things will not be quite as difficult when my husband comes home.  I have mentioned that some of the people in the community who felt betrayed by my husband have started carrying on polite conversations with me.  Nothing earth shattering but a nice "Hello" or "How are you?" is a major step up from what I had been experiencing in the past.  Well, this past weekend, one of the people who probably felt most betrayed (rightfully so) was standing next to me at a school sporting event, when we were having some of that nice, polite conversation when we suddenly had one of those awkward moments of silence.  Then he seemed to take a breath and he asked how my husband was doing.  I had all I could do to not jump out of my skin, but I remained calm and told him that he was doing well.  He then asked me, with a great amount of sincerity in his voice, to tell my husband that he said hi.  I was blown away inside but still remained calm on the outside and told him that I would most certainly relay that to him.  This was something very new for me, I have had people ask how my husband is but no one so directly related and close to us at the time it all happened. 

What does this mean?  Immediately thoughts started bouncing around in my head as to why this? why now?  Could he have been contacted by the BOP due to his impending release?  Had enough time passed that he was just ready to offer an olive branch? or had he had enough time and distance to review his own short comings and realize that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and my husband is already being punished for what choices he made?  But with all the thinking, I really do not care what his reasons or motives were, it was a wonderful thing for him to do and lifted my heart. 

Later that same day, I was sitting on my back patio enjoying a beautiful spring evening.  It had been such a good day that I did not want to go in the house and have it end.  I was watching my two younger children playing ball with each other in the park in the backyard.  They were laughing, teasing, and just having an all around good time.  It was then that I realized that my kids are all going to be OK.  They have weathered this whole thing the best that any kids could be expected to and come out fully intact.  Their lives are filled with joy, kindness and friendship.  They have great family, role models, teachers and friends.  They know that their parents love them and that will never end regardless of how far we are from them.  They have learned to handle the darkest things that life can throw at you and come out on top.  They continue to excel academically, athletically and in everything they put their minds to.

All this hit me like a ton of bricks while I was just sitting on the patio watching them be kids.  Why now? Why today?  Maybe it was just the frame of mind I was in or maybe it is because I see this chapter closing soon and another one beginning.  Our lives are in a constant state of change, some easier than others but my children have learned to roll with the punches as long as you do not let anyone knock you out.  How can I not feel joy at knowing in that moment that my kids will be fine!!!  This experience has left a mark on us all but it is like all the other scars we carry through life, we wear them with honor because it means we have survived.