I suddenly realized it has been a while since I have posted, but it seems that the drama never ends. We received an offer on our home and did some major house hunting so we would have a place to live when ours sold. We did not find exactly what we wanted, but we were still very happy with our choice. It gave us a chance to rethink how we plan on spending our time in the future as the family grows and changes. Turns out we won't be spending hours mowing the lawn...haha, but the house is a beautiful American Foursquare that we are excited to put our touches on. And it comes with room for everyone to visit and sit around the table laughing.
As we were progressing with all the requirements for the purchase of our new home, we did not hear anything about our buyers, I became concerned and questioned our realtor. She said not to worry, and one week later I see that our listing status is now changed to active again. I got a text from a friend who has a family member who was excited to see the house because they thought is was sold. I told her "So did I". My realtor then informed us that the buyers pre-qualified financing didn't happen. Now our house has been sold twice with the buyers backing out for one reason or another. There goes our January closing date.
However, we just had two people come through the house and both loved it. One has submitted an offer (not good) and we have countered and we are hoping the other family submits some kind of offer quickly. Either way, that pushes back our closing our our new home. But after all this time what is one more month?
The time has been good. The wounds are slowly starting to heal. When we are all together it feels like a whole family. The white elephant in the room is shrinking. The only thing left is to get us all under one roof. The old adage that nothing worthwhile is ever easy seems to hold in everything that we do.
There was so much more to this story, issues with the purchase of our new home, that we thought we might loose it as well but that all seems ironed out. There is no way to put into words the emotional roller coaster that we experience just in one day sometimes.
But on another good note, a friend recently informed me that her loved one had his designation hearing for his SO level and received a level I. I was just as excited for her as I was for my husband when we heard the judge give him a level I. Here in New York, level Is stay off the public registry and some counties don't even post your photos so it makes life a bit easier. This is after the Probation Department had informed us and her family as well that you could not fight the designation and most of the pornography guys were getting a level II designation. We fought, and we won. They fought and they won.
The message today is to keep fighting for what you think is right. Nothing will happen overnight but eventually things will change. As more people push back, the swell gets bigger and hopefully others start to learn the truth and that is when we see the real change.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
I'll Care When You Care.
Do I care that the federal government is stripping away civil rights when it may be prohibiting travelers from entering or leaving our country? Everyone is running around worried about illnesses that might be brought into our country so they want to close the boarders. Or maybe the government should limit travel. They could prevent US citizens from traveling freely around the country and the world. How dare the government impose on it's citizens, this is a free country after all. Or demand that the government close the boarders and keep out all foreigners and travelers so we stay safe.
Should I care that the government wants to limit the number of firearms we can carry or possess, or put restrictions on the type of gun and ammunition that can be used? Gun rights activists are in an uproar over the government saying you can not own a gun that shoots 100 rounds in the blink of an eye. The battle cry is that it is against everything the constitution stands for.
As citizens we demand so much from our government, protect me from outside invasions like illnesses but don't stop me from my constitutional rights. Everyone wants their government to take care of all of their needs but don't step on any of their rights in the process.
Well, to all you out there screaming right now about the government in your lives, I tell you that I will care about what the government is doing with your civil rights when you wake up and care that right now, today, in this country, our government can legally tell people where they can and cannot live. They can tell people they have to move, or that they can not buy or rent a home in certain places. Never mind the freedom to travel between countries in your free time or to own a small armory in your home, lets talk about the basic right to a place to call home.
When the general population starts to care that the government can regulate where those labeled sex offenders can live, then I will start to care about all those other rights that everyone is so outraged over. The basic right to have a home trumps the freedom to travel in my leisure time or stockpile weapons. Trying to sell our home because the government says my husband cannot live there because he could look out our windows and see the park. Never mind that legally there are no residency restrictions in our community that would prevent him from living there just a government employee who supposedly has that power. We have to sell our home and find a new place to live but that new place cannot be near a school or within site of a park, playground or any other place children may hang out. It is amazing how many pieces of property fall within these guidelines. It has been a process that so far has taken over a year and hopefully has a near end in sight but who knows right now.
So to all of you who claim to support the constitution and scream when you feel your rights are being infringed upon I challenge you to get outraged when anyone's rights are being violated, not just those you deem worthy. Most of the people on the sex offender registry never touched a child or another human being and have already been punished in some way for their crime. Let them have the basic rights of every citizen, a place to call home.
As a warning to you all, there is a list of sex offenders out there, some communities want a public list of gun owners, or a list of child abusers, drunk drivers, drug users, or domestic violence offenders . It won't be long before everyone's rights will be whittled away and the government will be inside everyone's home. Because when you tolerate it for one class of citizen it won't be long before the power hungry believe that you are a risk to their well being and deserve to have your rights limited as well.
Should I care that the government wants to limit the number of firearms we can carry or possess, or put restrictions on the type of gun and ammunition that can be used? Gun rights activists are in an uproar over the government saying you can not own a gun that shoots 100 rounds in the blink of an eye. The battle cry is that it is against everything the constitution stands for.
As citizens we demand so much from our government, protect me from outside invasions like illnesses but don't stop me from my constitutional rights. Everyone wants their government to take care of all of their needs but don't step on any of their rights in the process.
Well, to all you out there screaming right now about the government in your lives, I tell you that I will care about what the government is doing with your civil rights when you wake up and care that right now, today, in this country, our government can legally tell people where they can and cannot live. They can tell people they have to move, or that they can not buy or rent a home in certain places. Never mind the freedom to travel between countries in your free time or to own a small armory in your home, lets talk about the basic right to a place to call home.
When the general population starts to care that the government can regulate where those labeled sex offenders can live, then I will start to care about all those other rights that everyone is so outraged over. The basic right to have a home trumps the freedom to travel in my leisure time or stockpile weapons. Trying to sell our home because the government says my husband cannot live there because he could look out our windows and see the park. Never mind that legally there are no residency restrictions in our community that would prevent him from living there just a government employee who supposedly has that power. We have to sell our home and find a new place to live but that new place cannot be near a school or within site of a park, playground or any other place children may hang out. It is amazing how many pieces of property fall within these guidelines. It has been a process that so far has taken over a year and hopefully has a near end in sight but who knows right now.
So to all of you who claim to support the constitution and scream when you feel your rights are being infringed upon I challenge you to get outraged when anyone's rights are being violated, not just those you deem worthy. Most of the people on the sex offender registry never touched a child or another human being and have already been punished in some way for their crime. Let them have the basic rights of every citizen, a place to call home.
As a warning to you all, there is a list of sex offenders out there, some communities want a public list of gun owners, or a list of child abusers, drunk drivers, drug users, or domestic violence offenders . It won't be long before everyone's rights will be whittled away and the government will be inside everyone's home. Because when you tolerate it for one class of citizen it won't be long before the power hungry believe that you are a risk to their well being and deserve to have your rights limited as well.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
A Mother's Final Lesson
Five years ago this week was one of the worst weeks I have ever had to live through. It was in my urgency to get a call to my husband to inform him that my mom had passed away that I discovered he had been sent to the SHU (Secure Housing Unit) for getting in a fight. I had to face the passing of my mother without the presence of my husband as well as worry for his safety.
It was a difficult time and as with most families there is always turmoil between family members, and for me it is with my sister. She certainly did not do what she could to make the best of the situation for any of us. If she could stir the pot, she did and as is often the case, I just back away and let her go. I did put my foot down about a few things that I felt were important and I managed to do it with out yelling or insulting anyone.
It took me until the morning of the funeral to finally speak with my husband and find out what was going on. I had called the facility numerous times and would not get an answer or a call back. I could not even get a confirmation that I was calling a good phone number. It was just as we were heading out the door for the funeral that I finally got the call and he told me rather quickly, what had happened. and where he was.
I volunteered to speak at my mom's funeral, and I was told that I did a fine job. I was proud to be able to offer some last words for my mother and share some of my memories. Spending time with my extended family was a blessing and a salvation. I am not sure how I managed to get through it all with my blood pressure in the normal range and still getting moving every day but laughing with all my family is always something to cherish.
My husband ended up spending about 30 days in the SHU and completely missed another major life event. I could not even speak to him because of the limited phone privileges they have when they are in the SHU. Much later he shared more of the story and divulged the extent of his injuries, which I am glad I did not know at the time.
Here I am, five years down the road, and my life is in a much different place. We are all moving further and further away from that time. Slowly our lives are changing. Yet there are days when I wish I could pick up the phone and still call my mom. I go visit my family home, and nothing is the same but no one can take my memories. Sometimes I wonder if it was her final lesson for me, if I could survive all that in one short period of time with everything people were expecting from me, I could survive anything. I like to think she is with me and is proud of me, how far I have come and how I have handled all that has been thrown at me. Peace.
It was a difficult time and as with most families there is always turmoil between family members, and for me it is with my sister. She certainly did not do what she could to make the best of the situation for any of us. If she could stir the pot, she did and as is often the case, I just back away and let her go. I did put my foot down about a few things that I felt were important and I managed to do it with out yelling or insulting anyone.
It took me until the morning of the funeral to finally speak with my husband and find out what was going on. I had called the facility numerous times and would not get an answer or a call back. I could not even get a confirmation that I was calling a good phone number. It was just as we were heading out the door for the funeral that I finally got the call and he told me rather quickly, what had happened. and where he was.
I volunteered to speak at my mom's funeral, and I was told that I did a fine job. I was proud to be able to offer some last words for my mother and share some of my memories. Spending time with my extended family was a blessing and a salvation. I am not sure how I managed to get through it all with my blood pressure in the normal range and still getting moving every day but laughing with all my family is always something to cherish.
My husband ended up spending about 30 days in the SHU and completely missed another major life event. I could not even speak to him because of the limited phone privileges they have when they are in the SHU. Much later he shared more of the story and divulged the extent of his injuries, which I am glad I did not know at the time.
Here I am, five years down the road, and my life is in a much different place. We are all moving further and further away from that time. Slowly our lives are changing. Yet there are days when I wish I could pick up the phone and still call my mom. I go visit my family home, and nothing is the same but no one can take my memories. Sometimes I wonder if it was her final lesson for me, if I could survive all that in one short period of time with everything people were expecting from me, I could survive anything. I like to think she is with me and is proud of me, how far I have come and how I have handled all that has been thrown at me. Peace.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Just Laugh!!
I can cry or I can laugh and there are days when I can do nothing but laugh. Last week my husband got a call from the temp agency early Monday morning and was told not to return to work. He had been terminated for attendance issues. HAHA.
He had ten and a half months of employment with the same company through this temp agency and had never been late or missed a day of work. He had however missed the time that he was required to attend his sex offender counseling. Which he had gotten an OK through the actual company as long as he provided documentation that he was attending counseling. He had a written note for every counseling session that he missed work time for. And the kicker is, he had not missed any work in over a month since the counseling had finally added a day session that he could attend. His direct supervisor is dumb founded. He was one of her best employees and told him that no one will even discuss him with her. She wanted him back and does not understand any of this. She was aware of his counseling and she had also been given copies of his doctor's notes.
He has filed for unemployment but we are waiting for the temp agency to fight it based on a work issue and not just lack of work, but we are fully armed with all the supporting documentation. Back to the grind and working full time to find another job. Unemployment would be nice but we are not counting on it. The up side is he now has more current, real life work experience.
So I say again, I could either laugh or cry. Today I choose to laugh!!! There is something better out there, I have to believe that. The housing situation has not changed, no one is interested in our house and he is still living with friends. It is all beginning to wear a bit thin, but I am trying to keep positive thoughts. School is back in full swing and looking forward to my second senior year and college shopping.
Wake up, go to work, keep a family together and keep positive thoughts everyday and laugh. Laugh in the face of adversity. I should be laughing all the time then...lol.
He had ten and a half months of employment with the same company through this temp agency and had never been late or missed a day of work. He had however missed the time that he was required to attend his sex offender counseling. Which he had gotten an OK through the actual company as long as he provided documentation that he was attending counseling. He had a written note for every counseling session that he missed work time for. And the kicker is, he had not missed any work in over a month since the counseling had finally added a day session that he could attend. His direct supervisor is dumb founded. He was one of her best employees and told him that no one will even discuss him with her. She wanted him back and does not understand any of this. She was aware of his counseling and she had also been given copies of his doctor's notes.
He has filed for unemployment but we are waiting for the temp agency to fight it based on a work issue and not just lack of work, but we are fully armed with all the supporting documentation. Back to the grind and working full time to find another job. Unemployment would be nice but we are not counting on it. The up side is he now has more current, real life work experience.
So I say again, I could either laugh or cry. Today I choose to laugh!!! There is something better out there, I have to believe that. The housing situation has not changed, no one is interested in our house and he is still living with friends. It is all beginning to wear a bit thin, but I am trying to keep positive thoughts. School is back in full swing and looking forward to my second senior year and college shopping.
Wake up, go to work, keep a family together and keep positive thoughts everyday and laugh. Laugh in the face of adversity. I should be laughing all the time then...lol.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Please, Just say something!
As life is attempting to return to something resembling normal, things come up that we have to choose how to respond. Things most people would never give a second thought to, but for us required a split decision.
Case in point, we had the opportunity to spend our long weekend with my brother back at my childhood home in the mountains. We had a wonderful weekend hiking the mountains, doing some touristy stuff and being out on the lake in the kayaks. It is a reminder that certain things in life are back to normal. I had prepared some meals ahead of time that would only require a crock pot or oven time and we needed one or two items to complete one of the meals. We headed out to the grocery store, and in the many years since leaving there I don't think I have ever run into anyone that I knew, that is until this weekend.
We had barely walked into the store when I saw one of my best friends. We had stayed close for many years after high school, through weddings, children and on. We had always tried to carve out some visiting time when ever we would go home for a visit. But then things changed. My life was uncertain for a time and I was unsure about what everyone knew. Traveling became harder alone and it was during this time that my mom passed away as well. My friend came to the calling hours for my mom and she was very kind but we did not really get a chance to talk. Nor did she ask either, how my husband was doing or even where he was. I could not be sure that she even knew what was going on in my life.
So back to this weekend and there they are in the store right in front of us. Do we turn the other way and avoid them or try to talk to them and see what happens? I could not walk away, I called out to them and greeted them with hugs and smiles. We all talked for quite a while in the middle of the grocery store trying to catch up. There were separate conversations going on for a time so I did not hear all that my husband talked about and visa versa.
It was not until much later in a quiet moment that my husband told me that her husband had apologized to him. They knew all about what had happened and they fully supported him. But at the time they did not know what to say or if they should reach out to me. At the time, it was wonderful to hear of yet another rational person who was still supportive of my husband and know that they is hope for humanity. But there was an aching in my heart that wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, that I needed to hear that all those long years ago. A card that said thinking of you, or an e-mail that said call if you want to talk, anything would have been better than nothing.
Why is it so hard for us to reach out and just let someone else know that we are there for them. Are we afraid that they will take us up on our offer of help and then we are stuck? Are we afraid of not knowing what to say or we will look stupid? That we will upset them or hurt their feelings? Some small words might have made such a big difference back then for both of us. No one will know how much easier it would have been for me to know I had a few more people in my corner or it would have given my husband another person to communicate with while he served out his time.
The point of all of this is to implore everyone out there, in those awkward situations when you avoid saying anything because you don't know what to say, just say something. Say you are thinking of them, praying for them, offer to help in any way, even just a hug could say all that needs to be said and I guarantee you will feel anything but small and stupid. And your words may seem insignificant to you, but you will never know the power and influence that they will have on the person hearing them at a time when they are most needed.
Case in point, we had the opportunity to spend our long weekend with my brother back at my childhood home in the mountains. We had a wonderful weekend hiking the mountains, doing some touristy stuff and being out on the lake in the kayaks. It is a reminder that certain things in life are back to normal. I had prepared some meals ahead of time that would only require a crock pot or oven time and we needed one or two items to complete one of the meals. We headed out to the grocery store, and in the many years since leaving there I don't think I have ever run into anyone that I knew, that is until this weekend.
We had barely walked into the store when I saw one of my best friends. We had stayed close for many years after high school, through weddings, children and on. We had always tried to carve out some visiting time when ever we would go home for a visit. But then things changed. My life was uncertain for a time and I was unsure about what everyone knew. Traveling became harder alone and it was during this time that my mom passed away as well. My friend came to the calling hours for my mom and she was very kind but we did not really get a chance to talk. Nor did she ask either, how my husband was doing or even where he was. I could not be sure that she even knew what was going on in my life.
So back to this weekend and there they are in the store right in front of us. Do we turn the other way and avoid them or try to talk to them and see what happens? I could not walk away, I called out to them and greeted them with hugs and smiles. We all talked for quite a while in the middle of the grocery store trying to catch up. There were separate conversations going on for a time so I did not hear all that my husband talked about and visa versa.
It was not until much later in a quiet moment that my husband told me that her husband had apologized to him. They knew all about what had happened and they fully supported him. But at the time they did not know what to say or if they should reach out to me. At the time, it was wonderful to hear of yet another rational person who was still supportive of my husband and know that they is hope for humanity. But there was an aching in my heart that wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, that I needed to hear that all those long years ago. A card that said thinking of you, or an e-mail that said call if you want to talk, anything would have been better than nothing.
Why is it so hard for us to reach out and just let someone else know that we are there for them. Are we afraid that they will take us up on our offer of help and then we are stuck? Are we afraid of not knowing what to say or we will look stupid? That we will upset them or hurt their feelings? Some small words might have made such a big difference back then for both of us. No one will know how much easier it would have been for me to know I had a few more people in my corner or it would have given my husband another person to communicate with while he served out his time.
The point of all of this is to implore everyone out there, in those awkward situations when you avoid saying anything because you don't know what to say, just say something. Say you are thinking of them, praying for them, offer to help in any way, even just a hug could say all that needs to be said and I guarantee you will feel anything but small and stupid. And your words may seem insignificant to you, but you will never know the power and influence that they will have on the person hearing them at a time when they are most needed.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
No, You Can't Live Where You Want!
If anyone had told me a few years ago that a small handful of people would be able to dictate where I would live I would have never believed them. I would have argued with them and told them that this is not a communist country and our government is not so involved in our everyday lives. Well guess what, I would have been the one who was wrong.
It has been over a year, and my husband is not even allowed to visit our home because of the proximity to the town park. Keep in mind he has no hands on offenses and there is only one state residency restriction that applies, which says he can not live near a school. We are over a mile from the school but right next to the park which is surrounded with an eight foot chain link fence. The federal probation office is the ONLY one telling him he can not live there. Local law enforcement does not care. He is a minor blip on their radar of potentially highly dangerous criminals.
We have accepted that fate and are trying to move on with our lives, but here comes the problem again. So many of the nicer properties that I have been interested in, upon further examination, are located within a house or two of some kind of park. So we do not even bother to look at those, while others we have liked and are no where near a park, probation has come back and said that it is too close to a church or some mysterious ball field that is on some old map. Again, there are no legal reasons for us not be able to live anyway at all, it is just the interpretation of one office and a small group of individuals.
We have no where to go to fight this without possibly facing ramifications from an angry judge and we have all had more than enough court rooms to last a life time. So we sit in a state of limbo, under separate roofs, still not really living as a family.
Other properties we like are in other counties that publish all offenders names and photos on a website regardless of their level. Level I's here are not supposed to have their information available to the public, but as long as the communities do not publish their exact address then they are within the law. After fighting to get a Level I designation there is no way we would move somewhere where my husbands photo and name would be published on the internet. Again putting limitation on where we could possibly live.
Some my say that my husband deserves this, after all he broke the law, but why doesn't the world care where murders live or where drunk drivers might be on the road. He did something wrong, served his time and is now trying to rebuild his life, when does the punishment end? How long will it be before politicians can make rules indicating where you can live because of your history, religious beliefs, or even political beliefs? Only time will tell how far things go before the majority starts to push back to protect the minority or future of their own freedoms.
It has been over a year, and my husband is not even allowed to visit our home because of the proximity to the town park. Keep in mind he has no hands on offenses and there is only one state residency restriction that applies, which says he can not live near a school. We are over a mile from the school but right next to the park which is surrounded with an eight foot chain link fence. The federal probation office is the ONLY one telling him he can not live there. Local law enforcement does not care. He is a minor blip on their radar of potentially highly dangerous criminals.
We have accepted that fate and are trying to move on with our lives, but here comes the problem again. So many of the nicer properties that I have been interested in, upon further examination, are located within a house or two of some kind of park. So we do not even bother to look at those, while others we have liked and are no where near a park, probation has come back and said that it is too close to a church or some mysterious ball field that is on some old map. Again, there are no legal reasons for us not be able to live anyway at all, it is just the interpretation of one office and a small group of individuals.
We have no where to go to fight this without possibly facing ramifications from an angry judge and we have all had more than enough court rooms to last a life time. So we sit in a state of limbo, under separate roofs, still not really living as a family.
Other properties we like are in other counties that publish all offenders names and photos on a website regardless of their level. Level I's here are not supposed to have their information available to the public, but as long as the communities do not publish their exact address then they are within the law. After fighting to get a Level I designation there is no way we would move somewhere where my husbands photo and name would be published on the internet. Again putting limitation on where we could possibly live.
Some my say that my husband deserves this, after all he broke the law, but why doesn't the world care where murders live or where drunk drivers might be on the road. He did something wrong, served his time and is now trying to rebuild his life, when does the punishment end? How long will it be before politicians can make rules indicating where you can live because of your history, religious beliefs, or even political beliefs? Only time will tell how far things go before the majority starts to push back to protect the minority or future of their own freedoms.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Summer vacation
So much is going on that it sometimes seems impossible to find the time to sleep let alone update everyone on our progress. Or maybe because it does not feel like there has been any progress. But I do know that we are moving forward. It may be in small, baby steps but it is moving forward none the less.
To begin, we are all still living separately and have our house for sale, keep your fingers crossed, we have an offer and are just waiting for all the final approvals to come through. However that means that sometime in September the kids and I will be homeless since we have not found anything that is suitable or in our financial window. We have lost out on two homes already that someone swooped in with cash in hand...if only! We have now started looking outside our school district expecting to pay the tuition for our old district so my kids can finish their high school education since they will be a junior and a senior this year. The ironic part of all of this is my husband will still have a place to live and it will be the kids and I who are out on the street so to speak. We have a few to look at this week and are hopeful that the one we really want is within our reach. It would offer us everything we are looking for and everyone seems excited about it.
It has been a busy summer for all of us. I spent over one week traveling with my daughter for all her softball. Between college camps and out of town tournaments we covered many miles over a short period. But the highlight would be one Sunday afternoon when my husband was granted permission to attend her games. He had not seen her play since she was in community ball and had never seen her play school or travel. I think he was blown away by the skill and dedication of not only my daughter but of all the young ladies on her travel team.
My husband was also given permission to travel out of state to visit our son at college. He had the opportunity to visit the campus and see the community that my oldest son now calls home. It was a chance to spend some time with him and be part of a family again outside our home community and the dark cloud that comes with it.
So no great changes or major movement in our situation but things are getting better bit by bit. My husband is following his guidelines and working through the system. And as he does so, he is earning the chance to be included more in what the kids are doing on a day to day basis. Once the housing situation is settled, I know I will feel much better and then get to look forward to a normal life once again.
To begin, we are all still living separately and have our house for sale, keep your fingers crossed, we have an offer and are just waiting for all the final approvals to come through. However that means that sometime in September the kids and I will be homeless since we have not found anything that is suitable or in our financial window. We have lost out on two homes already that someone swooped in with cash in hand...if only! We have now started looking outside our school district expecting to pay the tuition for our old district so my kids can finish their high school education since they will be a junior and a senior this year. The ironic part of all of this is my husband will still have a place to live and it will be the kids and I who are out on the street so to speak. We have a few to look at this week and are hopeful that the one we really want is within our reach. It would offer us everything we are looking for and everyone seems excited about it.
It has been a busy summer for all of us. I spent over one week traveling with my daughter for all her softball. Between college camps and out of town tournaments we covered many miles over a short period. But the highlight would be one Sunday afternoon when my husband was granted permission to attend her games. He had not seen her play since she was in community ball and had never seen her play school or travel. I think he was blown away by the skill and dedication of not only my daughter but of all the young ladies on her travel team.
My husband was also given permission to travel out of state to visit our son at college. He had the opportunity to visit the campus and see the community that my oldest son now calls home. It was a chance to spend some time with him and be part of a family again outside our home community and the dark cloud that comes with it.
So no great changes or major movement in our situation but things are getting better bit by bit. My husband is following his guidelines and working through the system. And as he does so, he is earning the chance to be included more in what the kids are doing on a day to day basis. Once the housing situation is settled, I know I will feel much better and then get to look forward to a normal life once again.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Fill'r Up
When you are running out of gas, you know all you have to do is find the nearest gas station and fill up, assuming of course that you have money to buy the gas. When you are hungry, if you are like any one of my teenagers, you find yourself standing in front of the refrigerator looking for something really good to eat. (I am not sure teenagers know how that food gets there, they just know it is there).
My question is, where do you go to fill up when you are running out of hope?
We all have reached that point when we don't think we can go on any further. The faith that gets us up out of bed every day just isn't there any more. The promise that things will change for the better has moved us to where we are but that promise is not there any more. Where do we go to fill back up so we can keep getting up and moving forward? It is not something we can buy in a store, and we can not go to a cupboard to refill what is missing. Can we be re-energized by talking with friends and sharing our discouragement or reading a book or passage that suddenly speaks to our soul and offers us the insight that we needed? Do we reflect on others whose situations are far worse than our own, because no matter how bad we feel our lot is, there is always someone going through something far worse? Do we walk into a church and pray that we are infused with all the strength and courage that we seem to be lacking?
Recently I found myself feeling hopeless. Feeling that things are never going to change and that we don't seem to be making any progress become the dominant focus for a time. This is not the first time I have felt this way and I am certain it will not be the last, as I expect to live a very long life. I have great sympathy for people who find themselves living with these feelings everyday. What a sad way to walk around feeling such despair. And for those people I would strongly encourage you to seek a medical professional to get help. But for someone like me, who likes to think that I have a positive outlook most of the time, it can seem disheartening, To have a feeling that you have little control and nothing seems to be getting better can feel like swimming against a current that is stronger than you and it just keeps pushing you further back allowing no progress. Where am I supposed to go to get restocked on all my hope and faith that things are progressing and moving forward.
What is the science behind humanity and our need to look forward? We all want to hope for a bright future and to live happily ever after. How do we cope when that is not the case? What makes us get up every day and keep moving in the midst of disaster and distress? When the most horrific things happen in our lives most of us find a way to get through it and move beyond it, even at times making the best of an awful situation.
Where does that power come from? Why does it ebb like the tides? Some days feeling like you can conquer the world and other days not wanting to come out from under the covers. Is it a belief in something greater, a God, something beyond ourselves? Is it the idea that it can't always be bad? Is it in knowing that others have made it through difficult times as well?
I can not begin to speculate the actual answer. I am not even sure that there is just one answer. I do know that even though it may seem bleak and dark one day, it will not stay that way. Time moves forward, the clock changes as well as the seasons. Night always becomes day and the sun eventually comes out after a storm. Life is full of both good and bad and it is in experiencing the bad that we can rejoice in the good and the happiness that it brings. I get up every day looking at the joy in my life and not focusing on the bad. I suppose if I always looked for the bad that is all I would see but I have way too many things in my life that bring me joy to focus on the not so good. That is a choice for me. Happiness is a choice.and is purposeful. My children, my husband, my family and friends, my pets, the sun shining or listening to the rain on the roof are my joy and that is where I go to refill my tank. They give me hope and renew my faith that all is well and live is worth getting up for every morning.
My question is, where do you go to fill up when you are running out of hope?
We all have reached that point when we don't think we can go on any further. The faith that gets us up out of bed every day just isn't there any more. The promise that things will change for the better has moved us to where we are but that promise is not there any more. Where do we go to fill back up so we can keep getting up and moving forward? It is not something we can buy in a store, and we can not go to a cupboard to refill what is missing. Can we be re-energized by talking with friends and sharing our discouragement or reading a book or passage that suddenly speaks to our soul and offers us the insight that we needed? Do we reflect on others whose situations are far worse than our own, because no matter how bad we feel our lot is, there is always someone going through something far worse? Do we walk into a church and pray that we are infused with all the strength and courage that we seem to be lacking?
Recently I found myself feeling hopeless. Feeling that things are never going to change and that we don't seem to be making any progress become the dominant focus for a time. This is not the first time I have felt this way and I am certain it will not be the last, as I expect to live a very long life. I have great sympathy for people who find themselves living with these feelings everyday. What a sad way to walk around feeling such despair. And for those people I would strongly encourage you to seek a medical professional to get help. But for someone like me, who likes to think that I have a positive outlook most of the time, it can seem disheartening, To have a feeling that you have little control and nothing seems to be getting better can feel like swimming against a current that is stronger than you and it just keeps pushing you further back allowing no progress. Where am I supposed to go to get restocked on all my hope and faith that things are progressing and moving forward.
What is the science behind humanity and our need to look forward? We all want to hope for a bright future and to live happily ever after. How do we cope when that is not the case? What makes us get up every day and keep moving in the midst of disaster and distress? When the most horrific things happen in our lives most of us find a way to get through it and move beyond it, even at times making the best of an awful situation.
Where does that power come from? Why does it ebb like the tides? Some days feeling like you can conquer the world and other days not wanting to come out from under the covers. Is it a belief in something greater, a God, something beyond ourselves? Is it the idea that it can't always be bad? Is it in knowing that others have made it through difficult times as well?
I can not begin to speculate the actual answer. I am not even sure that there is just one answer. I do know that even though it may seem bleak and dark one day, it will not stay that way. Time moves forward, the clock changes as well as the seasons. Night always becomes day and the sun eventually comes out after a storm. Life is full of both good and bad and it is in experiencing the bad that we can rejoice in the good and the happiness that it brings. I get up every day looking at the joy in my life and not focusing on the bad. I suppose if I always looked for the bad that is all I would see but I have way too many things in my life that bring me joy to focus on the not so good. That is a choice for me. Happiness is a choice.and is purposeful. My children, my husband, my family and friends, my pets, the sun shining or listening to the rain on the roof are my joy and that is where I go to refill my tank. They give me hope and renew my faith that all is well and live is worth getting up for every morning.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Where is All The Anger???
Over six years ago when the police first raided my home and our lives were put on this unforeseen path I knew and I learned the reasons behind all this, I still knew deep inside that my husband was not a threat to anyone. Our marriage was not perfect, but I knew that he would never harm another human let alone a child. I now had the world telling me that he was a monster, someone to shun, someone to turn away from, and someone who should be locked away forever.
It is in all this that I started to get angry. I was mad at my husband for not getting help sooner and mad at the pain he inflicted on our family. But that is not what really made my blood boil. It is how the system, society, and all the officials now view and control our family. They can tell us where we can and can not live. They tell us where we can and can not go for vacation. They control the time we spend with family and friends and where my husband can work and what hours. They do not permit him to be a part of our children's lives by restricting him from attending school functions.
Other families in the same situation have been prevented from spending time with extended family members, prevented from seeing their grandchildren and told that they could not travel with family for vacation. Some are told that they can not spend time with their own children unsupervised. So my question is, where is all the other families anger? I used my anger to try and change the public's perception of the sex offender label, I try to educate others about the dangers of a pornography addiction and effect change in any way I can, whether by writing a politician or offer support to others going through a similar situation. Where are all the other angry people?
There are over 750,000 people listed on the sex offender registry, if every person on the registry had parents and a sibling or spouse who stood up for them, that would be a voice of over two million people. Are all these other family members content to sit by and watch as the country treats our loved ones as sub human? Quietly sit by as the government stripes away the civil rights of a select group of citizens. But that is OK because they are no longer important citizens. How much longer before the government decides that drunk drivers need to be on a list, animal abusers, former drug users, and gun owners? If we stay on the current path, the government will not only be in my house telling my family how we can live our lives, but they will be in your home as well. And you can be proud that you all sat by and let it happen. By not standing up now, you will be responsible for the government in your home and once they are in there, they will be hard to get out.
Where are all the other family members fighting for the rights of their loved ones? Do they just bury their heads in the sand and hope that things will magically change? Or maybe they don't mind that the government is telling them exactly what to do? There are so many small groups out there trying to make changes but the politically correct populous is so much louder. We need voices to teach and share the truth about the real recidivism numbers for this group, share that the research supports that an underage pornography charge does not equal a hands on offense and that many of these guys go on to live productive lives and never re-offend. Is the fear to overwhelming that they would rather keep quiet than change an injustice?
Fear keeps many away, but there is so much you could do without putting your face out in the public eye. Fear of being found out, fear of being harassed by neighbors and fear of being shunned by friends. I had lived through all that fear, and my greater fear is having my children grow up in a world where our government can plant itself in our private lives and claim it is for the good of others. Fear that my children will live in a world that civil rights have been slowly striped away and I did nothing to stop it.
So I say again, where are all those other angry family members? Why are they not a loud voice out there screaming for the rights of their loved ones? I can not sit by and not fight for an injustice that has been thrown in my lap. This is my path to follow, I just wonder where are all the others that should be on this path with me?
It is in all this that I started to get angry. I was mad at my husband for not getting help sooner and mad at the pain he inflicted on our family. But that is not what really made my blood boil. It is how the system, society, and all the officials now view and control our family. They can tell us where we can and can not live. They tell us where we can and can not go for vacation. They control the time we spend with family and friends and where my husband can work and what hours. They do not permit him to be a part of our children's lives by restricting him from attending school functions.
Other families in the same situation have been prevented from spending time with extended family members, prevented from seeing their grandchildren and told that they could not travel with family for vacation. Some are told that they can not spend time with their own children unsupervised. So my question is, where is all the other families anger? I used my anger to try and change the public's perception of the sex offender label, I try to educate others about the dangers of a pornography addiction and effect change in any way I can, whether by writing a politician or offer support to others going through a similar situation. Where are all the other angry people?
There are over 750,000 people listed on the sex offender registry, if every person on the registry had parents and a sibling or spouse who stood up for them, that would be a voice of over two million people. Are all these other family members content to sit by and watch as the country treats our loved ones as sub human? Quietly sit by as the government stripes away the civil rights of a select group of citizens. But that is OK because they are no longer important citizens. How much longer before the government decides that drunk drivers need to be on a list, animal abusers, former drug users, and gun owners? If we stay on the current path, the government will not only be in my house telling my family how we can live our lives, but they will be in your home as well. And you can be proud that you all sat by and let it happen. By not standing up now, you will be responsible for the government in your home and once they are in there, they will be hard to get out.
Where are all the other family members fighting for the rights of their loved ones? Do they just bury their heads in the sand and hope that things will magically change? Or maybe they don't mind that the government is telling them exactly what to do? There are so many small groups out there trying to make changes but the politically correct populous is so much louder. We need voices to teach and share the truth about the real recidivism numbers for this group, share that the research supports that an underage pornography charge does not equal a hands on offense and that many of these guys go on to live productive lives and never re-offend. Is the fear to overwhelming that they would rather keep quiet than change an injustice?
Fear keeps many away, but there is so much you could do without putting your face out in the public eye. Fear of being found out, fear of being harassed by neighbors and fear of being shunned by friends. I had lived through all that fear, and my greater fear is having my children grow up in a world where our government can plant itself in our private lives and claim it is for the good of others. Fear that my children will live in a world that civil rights have been slowly striped away and I did nothing to stop it.
So I say again, where are all those other angry family members? Why are they not a loud voice out there screaming for the rights of their loved ones? I can not sit by and not fight for an injustice that has been thrown in my lap. This is my path to follow, I just wonder where are all the others that should be on this path with me?
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Where The System is Failing
Even though there seems to be large breaks between my posts, it does not mean that things are not happening. Contrary to that thought, things change almost on a daily basis. There are days where I am so frustrated and ready to give up and then the next moment everything is OK for the time being.
In all of the "grayness" that we live, because we never really know what will happen next, I have come to realize that the system is not set up to help offenders successfully rehabilitate and once again become productive members of society. I believe that it is the goal of probation to push, make demands and stretch the offenders to the point that they have not other recourse than to violate some term of their release, so they can be sent back.
In the time my husband has been released, he has been removed from our home because probation did not like how close to the park we live, we have been denied family counseling so it would not "interfere" with his mandatory treatment, and he found employment that fit his treatment schedule only to be told that to move on to the next phase of treatment he will have to change his work schedule. None of this fits into the stated policy that to succeed upon release any offender needs a home, support system and employment.
I sometimes wonder if they continue to push and push until you finally break and they can violate you and return you to prison, or they figure if you can put up with all the weighty restrictions then they figure you will eventually be fine. But in the meantime our family seems to be suffering and it is becoming the next victim in all of this. We have tried talking with probation, his mandatory counselor and attorneys to see what can be done to help the situation, and we have received no positive help from anyone within the system.
I would be lying if I said our life is perfect. It is hanging on by a thread and I am not sure how much longer it will last. Now to be fair, we just got approval last week to attend family counseling but as of today I join the ranks of those with no health insurance. Counseling is not free and it is what we really need to keep moving forward. There are so many issues that need to be addressed and discussed so that the hurt feelings can be mended and conflicts aired out. But not now...
Our house is for sale and we are looking for other homes, which anyone who has gone through this knows that it is not easy but we are pushing ahead. Hopefully everything will fall into place at some point in the near future so we can be under one roof.
The bright spot in this is my husband employment has been going well and it is hopeful that he will be made a permanent employee down the road, but even that process is designed to weed out those that don't work out so it could take another six months. So we sit without health insurance and not able to count his income for mortgage purposes all because he is not actually employed by the company.
So as of today, we are a family separated, hurting and wanting to heal. None of which is really being fixed at this point in time. The condition of our family is not a priority for anyone other than us. Statistics are against us succeeding, most families do not survive incarceration but I have not yet reached the point where I am willing to give up when it is because of conditions imposed by others and not of our own doing that it is in jeopardy. It is by my faith and love for my family that I get up every day and do all the things that need to get done so that some where down the road this will all be in our past.
In all of the "grayness" that we live, because we never really know what will happen next, I have come to realize that the system is not set up to help offenders successfully rehabilitate and once again become productive members of society. I believe that it is the goal of probation to push, make demands and stretch the offenders to the point that they have not other recourse than to violate some term of their release, so they can be sent back.
In the time my husband has been released, he has been removed from our home because probation did not like how close to the park we live, we have been denied family counseling so it would not "interfere" with his mandatory treatment, and he found employment that fit his treatment schedule only to be told that to move on to the next phase of treatment he will have to change his work schedule. None of this fits into the stated policy that to succeed upon release any offender needs a home, support system and employment.
I sometimes wonder if they continue to push and push until you finally break and they can violate you and return you to prison, or they figure if you can put up with all the weighty restrictions then they figure you will eventually be fine. But in the meantime our family seems to be suffering and it is becoming the next victim in all of this. We have tried talking with probation, his mandatory counselor and attorneys to see what can be done to help the situation, and we have received no positive help from anyone within the system.
I would be lying if I said our life is perfect. It is hanging on by a thread and I am not sure how much longer it will last. Now to be fair, we just got approval last week to attend family counseling but as of today I join the ranks of those with no health insurance. Counseling is not free and it is what we really need to keep moving forward. There are so many issues that need to be addressed and discussed so that the hurt feelings can be mended and conflicts aired out. But not now...
Our house is for sale and we are looking for other homes, which anyone who has gone through this knows that it is not easy but we are pushing ahead. Hopefully everything will fall into place at some point in the near future so we can be under one roof.
The bright spot in this is my husband employment has been going well and it is hopeful that he will be made a permanent employee down the road, but even that process is designed to weed out those that don't work out so it could take another six months. So we sit without health insurance and not able to count his income for mortgage purposes all because he is not actually employed by the company.
So as of today, we are a family separated, hurting and wanting to heal. None of which is really being fixed at this point in time. The condition of our family is not a priority for anyone other than us. Statistics are against us succeeding, most families do not survive incarceration but I have not yet reached the point where I am willing to give up when it is because of conditions imposed by others and not of our own doing that it is in jeopardy. It is by my faith and love for my family that I get up every day and do all the things that need to get done so that some where down the road this will all be in our past.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Thank You for Your Inspiration
After all that has happened, I am a firm believer that people are put in our lives for a reason. I don't care what argument you would have against such a belief, or if you would try to argue that everything is a big random ball of coincidence. I am not buying.
I started writing this blog because I could not find the support, or people in my shoes who were willing to share with me their stories. I wanted to talk to people who might be able to guide me along this path but was not finding them out there. I quickly learned that people in my shoes are afraid. They live in fear of being found out, or being associated with someone society looks down upon. They are also fearful for the safety of their loved one. Retaliation is a daily fear for many whose names are published on a public list of offenders. So many people choose to stay quiet and not speak out. They are quiet about their experiences and quiet about fighting the injustices of this system.
I read once that we are put through our experiences to learn from them so we could help others through those same experiences. I like the way that idea sounded. We have family that we learn from. Older siblings that teach use what to do and what not to do. Our friends show us experiences we might not have had without them. We model our parenting from how we ourselves were parented. So if I could not find those to help me, then I could at least help those behind me.
Over the years, with every entry and as days pass, I still find myself amazed and surprised by the timing of your comments. I have written about the joys and the sorrows that we have all been through and the difficulties that the system imposes upon us needlessly. I, too have good days and bad days. Days when I have lost hope and days when the future looks bright. But it is in the timing of the comments that reinforces to me that we are all there for each other. Just when I am going through I bad time, thinking things will not get any better, I get a new comment from someone thanking me for what I write. Someone new who is just starting the process, who has no idea what lies ahead or how they will handle it. Suddenly I am uplifted. Things are not as bad as I thought and maybe not a bleak. Both the positivity of the comments and the reminder that I have made it this far remind me that we all have so much to be thankful for everyday.
So I wanted to take the time to say thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read and comment. Many of the comments I have tried to respond to and many of you that have e-mailed me as well. Know that your comments are read not only by me but by others who value what you have to say and may just be the light of my day just when I need it the most. You are my inspiration...THANK YOU.
I started writing this blog because I could not find the support, or people in my shoes who were willing to share with me their stories. I wanted to talk to people who might be able to guide me along this path but was not finding them out there. I quickly learned that people in my shoes are afraid. They live in fear of being found out, or being associated with someone society looks down upon. They are also fearful for the safety of their loved one. Retaliation is a daily fear for many whose names are published on a public list of offenders. So many people choose to stay quiet and not speak out. They are quiet about their experiences and quiet about fighting the injustices of this system.
I read once that we are put through our experiences to learn from them so we could help others through those same experiences. I like the way that idea sounded. We have family that we learn from. Older siblings that teach use what to do and what not to do. Our friends show us experiences we might not have had without them. We model our parenting from how we ourselves were parented. So if I could not find those to help me, then I could at least help those behind me.
Over the years, with every entry and as days pass, I still find myself amazed and surprised by the timing of your comments. I have written about the joys and the sorrows that we have all been through and the difficulties that the system imposes upon us needlessly. I, too have good days and bad days. Days when I have lost hope and days when the future looks bright. But it is in the timing of the comments that reinforces to me that we are all there for each other. Just when I am going through I bad time, thinking things will not get any better, I get a new comment from someone thanking me for what I write. Someone new who is just starting the process, who has no idea what lies ahead or how they will handle it. Suddenly I am uplifted. Things are not as bad as I thought and maybe not a bleak. Both the positivity of the comments and the reminder that I have made it this far remind me that we all have so much to be thankful for everyday.
So I wanted to take the time to say thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read and comment. Many of the comments I have tried to respond to and many of you that have e-mailed me as well. Know that your comments are read not only by me but by others who value what you have to say and may just be the light of my day just when I need it the most. You are my inspiration...THANK YOU.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Our Lives Are Blessed By Those Around Us
I have learned so many lessons in my journey through life. Some of the most important and hardest to learn were within the last few years. Looking back, I can see how hardship and trials have made me a better and stronger person. But one of the most interesting things I have learned was about the people that we come in contact with on our journey, and whether good or bad, they shape who we become.
I can go all the way back to the girls who bullied me in middle school, they made my life miserable and I hated to go to school. One girl in particular was just down right mean. I would be fearful of just walking into a class room that I knew she was going to be in. As we moved on into high school it did become less of an issue as she spent less and less time at the school and I now have many fond memories of high school. Here is the irony, I would not be the person I am today without my middle school bully. I had finally had enough of her and decided that I was going to stop being afraid of what the other kids thought and put my energy into becoming who I wanted to be. It was during that time that I forced myself to be good at public speaking. I worked hard on speaking loudly and clearly, and not looking nervous. I raised my hand in class and shared my ideas. I came out of my shell and started living my life. I eventually spoke in front of the whole school and in my senior year won a radio speech contest. I don't know if I would have done that without living through middle school. I can not say however, that I would openly embrace my bully if I saw her today, I have even heard that she regrets her behavior back them. It is still a difficult time to remember and I would never relive it, but it played an important part of who I have become.
We all have family that we can point to who have had an impact on who we have become. I prefer to smile and be happy because I never saw my grandmother smile and always wondered if she was ever happy while my grandfather never stopped smiling. I choose to forgive and move on after watching the debilitating effects that keeping the anger inside has had on my sister. My cousins have taught me how to embrace the differences in all of us while knowing that we all have so much in common.
Friends have had a lasting impact as well, both the good and the bad. We have all had the bad experience that teaches us to not be so trusting and then the good experiences that teach us to put ourselves out in the world and we will be rewarded. We learn from our mistakes and successes and end up with a great circle of friends on which we can rely on. It seems that certain people come in and out of our lives when we need them the most. Some briefly, while others last a long time.
A friend who came into my life shortly after my husband was incarcerated, and was part of my support group recently fell ill. It is only within the last month that he found himself sick, and now has not been given much more time. He is a leader within our group, a friend with so much knowledge to share and a very good man. He is a minister by trade but I think he would have found a way to serve his fellowman if he had not heard his religious calling. Even now he is an inspiration in the way he is handling his prognosis, the humor that he shares with us is a sign of how strong his faith is. My one regret is that my husband did not get a chance to meet him. I think they would have got along well and my husband would have benefited from all that my friend could offer. His strength and fight is unceasing, and I can only hope to pick up were he has left off and continue to carry the torch forward.
With that said, embrace those who are around you. Love them for who they are and what they bring out in you. Be aware that there may not be a tomorrow so make the most of every day. Look at the people in our trials and in our joys, those we have known our whole lives and those who have recently come to us as well as those who teach us how to be good and those that teach us how not to be, for they are all just as important. We are truly blessed by those who lives touch ours.
I can go all the way back to the girls who bullied me in middle school, they made my life miserable and I hated to go to school. One girl in particular was just down right mean. I would be fearful of just walking into a class room that I knew she was going to be in. As we moved on into high school it did become less of an issue as she spent less and less time at the school and I now have many fond memories of high school. Here is the irony, I would not be the person I am today without my middle school bully. I had finally had enough of her and decided that I was going to stop being afraid of what the other kids thought and put my energy into becoming who I wanted to be. It was during that time that I forced myself to be good at public speaking. I worked hard on speaking loudly and clearly, and not looking nervous. I raised my hand in class and shared my ideas. I came out of my shell and started living my life. I eventually spoke in front of the whole school and in my senior year won a radio speech contest. I don't know if I would have done that without living through middle school. I can not say however, that I would openly embrace my bully if I saw her today, I have even heard that she regrets her behavior back them. It is still a difficult time to remember and I would never relive it, but it played an important part of who I have become.
We all have family that we can point to who have had an impact on who we have become. I prefer to smile and be happy because I never saw my grandmother smile and always wondered if she was ever happy while my grandfather never stopped smiling. I choose to forgive and move on after watching the debilitating effects that keeping the anger inside has had on my sister. My cousins have taught me how to embrace the differences in all of us while knowing that we all have so much in common.
Friends have had a lasting impact as well, both the good and the bad. We have all had the bad experience that teaches us to not be so trusting and then the good experiences that teach us to put ourselves out in the world and we will be rewarded. We learn from our mistakes and successes and end up with a great circle of friends on which we can rely on. It seems that certain people come in and out of our lives when we need them the most. Some briefly, while others last a long time.
A friend who came into my life shortly after my husband was incarcerated, and was part of my support group recently fell ill. It is only within the last month that he found himself sick, and now has not been given much more time. He is a leader within our group, a friend with so much knowledge to share and a very good man. He is a minister by trade but I think he would have found a way to serve his fellowman if he had not heard his religious calling. Even now he is an inspiration in the way he is handling his prognosis, the humor that he shares with us is a sign of how strong his faith is. My one regret is that my husband did not get a chance to meet him. I think they would have got along well and my husband would have benefited from all that my friend could offer. His strength and fight is unceasing, and I can only hope to pick up were he has left off and continue to carry the torch forward.
With that said, embrace those who are around you. Love them for who they are and what they bring out in you. Be aware that there may not be a tomorrow so make the most of every day. Look at the people in our trials and in our joys, those we have known our whole lives and those who have recently come to us as well as those who teach us how to be good and those that teach us how not to be, for they are all just as important. We are truly blessed by those who lives touch ours.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
More Stories of Life Outside the BOP
Because of my determination to understand this whole situation, I have found myself surrounded by a wonderful group of people who are all in the same position. They have become my family and we rely on each other for so much. Today I want to share some of the updates of their stories in hopes of answering some questions for other people out there facing similar futures.
One family was reunited about a year ago. The gentlemen was of retirement age so finding a job was not a requirement for him. He was released early to a half way house and found himself back with his family pretty quickly. He ran into problems however dealing with probation services and his treatment program. Keep in mind that probation, in these cases, is NOT there to help them reintegrate into society. They believe that these guys are scum and that they WILL re offend, it is only a mater of time, so they are not nice at all. But this gentleman did not do everything exactly when and how they told him to do it. Since he has been home, he has found himself in many difficult situations and is in a state of limbo right now.
Another husband came home last fall but was told a week or so before he was supposed to be released to the half way house that he was not going, he would have to stay until his actual release date. When his release date was within a month, he was informed that he could not return to his home. Probation Services never did a residency verification until it was time for him to come home and then decided that he could not live there. The Justice system policy is that you can move back to your prior address with no problems, but they neglect to tell you that probation can make any decision they please regardless of the law or department policies. The family got assistance from the public defenders office and manage to get a stay, so he could come home to his wife instead of the local homeless shelter with a future court hearing about his residency. During his actual hearing the judge did allow him to return to his home and has now been allowed to stay there with his family. He is still looking for employment but he is now living with his family.
A brother was finishing up his time at a local half way house and just two weeks before his release was told that he could not move in with his sister because of a local municipality's residency restriction. He could not live with either of his other sisters for similar reasons. His sister had to scramble to find an apartment for him to live in with in the community, and apparently there is only one apartment that meets the communities tight residency restrictions. Keep in mind that when any federal prisoner is released, one of their restrictions states that they can not associate with any other known felons, and yet residency restrictions put all the felons in one apartment building. How does this make sense to anyone?
And just this week, another son was reunited with his family as they picked him up from the BOP and dropped him off at the local half way house. He still has time to serve, but now he is only a 15 minute drive from family and can call much more often without it costing an arm and a leg. He is back in regular clothes and has begun the process of reintegrating into society. He went through the drug and alcohol program while in Federal Prison, so in addition to his offender treatment he also has to continue the drug and alcohol treatment. So in just his first week in the half way house, he has been to 2 different treatment programs and been summoned to Probation. At probation, he was told his supervising officer was too busy in a meeting, he would need to come back. Normally probation would not need to see anyone in a half way house because they are technically still under the supervision of the BOP, but again probation services can change the rules as they see fit. This particular probation officer has commented in the past that these guys should not be allowed in the half way houses, and he is the first one in this particular house, so I think she is hoping to get on him earlier and crack down on what he can and can't do sooner, thinking that the half way house might be too lenient.
These are just a few of the varied stories and experiences that we have all been through. I will keep everyone updated on their stories as well as my own. We share a common experience which joins us together and it has become surprising to me as days pass to learn of others and their experiences with law enforcement on the sex offender label. New people that have come into my life and I learn of a connection to this side of the justice system, when they know nothing of my story. It just reinforces for me the reality that this label is being over used and it will eventually change because it is touching everyone's lives.
One family was reunited about a year ago. The gentlemen was of retirement age so finding a job was not a requirement for him. He was released early to a half way house and found himself back with his family pretty quickly. He ran into problems however dealing with probation services and his treatment program. Keep in mind that probation, in these cases, is NOT there to help them reintegrate into society. They believe that these guys are scum and that they WILL re offend, it is only a mater of time, so they are not nice at all. But this gentleman did not do everything exactly when and how they told him to do it. Since he has been home, he has found himself in many difficult situations and is in a state of limbo right now.
Another husband came home last fall but was told a week or so before he was supposed to be released to the half way house that he was not going, he would have to stay until his actual release date. When his release date was within a month, he was informed that he could not return to his home. Probation Services never did a residency verification until it was time for him to come home and then decided that he could not live there. The Justice system policy is that you can move back to your prior address with no problems, but they neglect to tell you that probation can make any decision they please regardless of the law or department policies. The family got assistance from the public defenders office and manage to get a stay, so he could come home to his wife instead of the local homeless shelter with a future court hearing about his residency. During his actual hearing the judge did allow him to return to his home and has now been allowed to stay there with his family. He is still looking for employment but he is now living with his family.
A brother was finishing up his time at a local half way house and just two weeks before his release was told that he could not move in with his sister because of a local municipality's residency restriction. He could not live with either of his other sisters for similar reasons. His sister had to scramble to find an apartment for him to live in with in the community, and apparently there is only one apartment that meets the communities tight residency restrictions. Keep in mind that when any federal prisoner is released, one of their restrictions states that they can not associate with any other known felons, and yet residency restrictions put all the felons in one apartment building. How does this make sense to anyone?
And just this week, another son was reunited with his family as they picked him up from the BOP and dropped him off at the local half way house. He still has time to serve, but now he is only a 15 minute drive from family and can call much more often without it costing an arm and a leg. He is back in regular clothes and has begun the process of reintegrating into society. He went through the drug and alcohol program while in Federal Prison, so in addition to his offender treatment he also has to continue the drug and alcohol treatment. So in just his first week in the half way house, he has been to 2 different treatment programs and been summoned to Probation. At probation, he was told his supervising officer was too busy in a meeting, he would need to come back. Normally probation would not need to see anyone in a half way house because they are technically still under the supervision of the BOP, but again probation services can change the rules as they see fit. This particular probation officer has commented in the past that these guys should not be allowed in the half way houses, and he is the first one in this particular house, so I think she is hoping to get on him earlier and crack down on what he can and can't do sooner, thinking that the half way house might be too lenient.
These are just a few of the varied stories and experiences that we have all been through. I will keep everyone updated on their stories as well as my own. We share a common experience which joins us together and it has become surprising to me as days pass to learn of others and their experiences with law enforcement on the sex offender label. New people that have come into my life and I learn of a connection to this side of the justice system, when they know nothing of my story. It just reinforces for me the reality that this label is being over used and it will eventually change because it is touching everyone's lives.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Time Passes, Little Changes
I realize it has been a while since I have had a chance to update everyone on everything that has been going on. Some days it seems that life has settled down to a boring normal and then other days are so chaotic that I wonder how I make it through.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years have come and gone and there are a few things I can share. Thanksgiving was spent split apart with my husband spending time with his family with my youngest while I stayed home with my daughter so she could get back and forth to work. Time did not permit my oldest to come home for the holiday. It was an unusual holiday, but given the past we had been through worse. We did have the opportunity to spend the following weekend with my brother out of town and celebrated our family time then, so we just had our family time a few days later than everyone else.
Christmas was going to be difficult for us as we did not know where to go. I did not want to haul my kids around trying to figure out where we could celebrate Christmas as a family. I am not sure what happened, if the planets aligned correctly or the sun was shining just right, but on the day my husband asked his probation officer if he could visit us on Christmas she said yes! Mind you I was still worried that she would violate him based on the fact that we had nothing in writing and no proof that she said he could be there, but we risked it and in the end, it all went well.
During this time, we are still trying to get the attorney to argue on our behalf that he should at least be allowed to visit the house on the weekends. Another family that was dealing with a similar issue, had a court hearing and was allowed to stay in their home so we are hoping that ultimately things play out for us a positive way but the wheels sure do turn slowly. We area again waiting for another return call from the attorney to see if anything has changed.
New Years Eve was spent with the in-laws as a completely unplanned evening but in the end it was nice anyway. Now we are into the routine of everyday life. We really only see my husband on the weekends with his work schedule, but he is still working...yeah!!! We try to find time to spend together on the weekends but that is usually time in someone else's home or out in a public venue. It is nice having him be able to take the kids to all the doctors appointments during the day when I would normally have to miss work so that is the one area where I do feel some relief in my schedule.
Looking forward to 3 or 4 months down the road when we are in a better position to start house hunting and getting everyone all under one roof. Then the real hard work will continue with all of us trying to fit together again as an intact family. The wounds are still raw for some and it will take a while to work through it all and get things back to a healthy place.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years have come and gone and there are a few things I can share. Thanksgiving was spent split apart with my husband spending time with his family with my youngest while I stayed home with my daughter so she could get back and forth to work. Time did not permit my oldest to come home for the holiday. It was an unusual holiday, but given the past we had been through worse. We did have the opportunity to spend the following weekend with my brother out of town and celebrated our family time then, so we just had our family time a few days later than everyone else.
Christmas was going to be difficult for us as we did not know where to go. I did not want to haul my kids around trying to figure out where we could celebrate Christmas as a family. I am not sure what happened, if the planets aligned correctly or the sun was shining just right, but on the day my husband asked his probation officer if he could visit us on Christmas she said yes! Mind you I was still worried that she would violate him based on the fact that we had nothing in writing and no proof that she said he could be there, but we risked it and in the end, it all went well.
During this time, we are still trying to get the attorney to argue on our behalf that he should at least be allowed to visit the house on the weekends. Another family that was dealing with a similar issue, had a court hearing and was allowed to stay in their home so we are hoping that ultimately things play out for us a positive way but the wheels sure do turn slowly. We area again waiting for another return call from the attorney to see if anything has changed.
New Years Eve was spent with the in-laws as a completely unplanned evening but in the end it was nice anyway. Now we are into the routine of everyday life. We really only see my husband on the weekends with his work schedule, but he is still working...yeah!!! We try to find time to spend together on the weekends but that is usually time in someone else's home or out in a public venue. It is nice having him be able to take the kids to all the doctors appointments during the day when I would normally have to miss work so that is the one area where I do feel some relief in my schedule.
Looking forward to 3 or 4 months down the road when we are in a better position to start house hunting and getting everyone all under one roof. Then the real hard work will continue with all of us trying to fit together again as an intact family. The wounds are still raw for some and it will take a while to work through it all and get things back to a healthy place.
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