What Do You Say?

Who would have thought that the kid who has not stopped talking since the day she was born would be left speechless. There have been a few occasions recently when I did not know what to say or spent more thinking about what to say than actually talking.



Not to long ago my mother-in-law actually said that I had her permission "to find someone else, even if it was only someone temporarily". How do you respond to that? I was speechless. On so many levels that was just wrong. Why would she think I would need her permission? Or what makes her think I could so easily turn my back on my husband, even if it was temporary. Apparently she finds it easy to do. My vows mean so much more to me than she will ever understand, not being an overly spiritual person I do not think it would occur to her how much they mean to me.

I had no response for her, this was her son she was talking about. What kind of mother could be so callous about her son and his well being? Left me speechless and dumbfounded. I debated over whether to share that conversation with my husband, so I ultimately left it up to him. He said that he did want to hear what she had said to me, and after I told him I am not really sure how he processed the information. Again these are things he will have to deal with and think about when the time comes.

The second time was when I was talking to a distant family member who was not aware of the situation, she asked what my husband did for a living and was just generally being polite and curious. Oh no! How do I respond to that? The situation I had been dreading for the longest time. I thought carefully about the best way to answer that question and settled on the truth in it's simplest form. This lead to additional questions and again I carefully thought about each response, but overall it was a positive conversation. I had crossed another hurdle. I had answered the one question I had not been looking forward to. Would I answer the question the same way every time it is asked? Probably not, but I have tackled it once and on I go.

There are so many unique moments in my life now that few people get to experience. I am blessed with the ability to continue to learn about myself, grow, evolve, and change for the better. So many people, when they reach my stage in life, no longer change, but I have been giving a second chance to keeping learning and becoming the good person we all strive for.

Quiet Calm

It has been awhile since I have added an entry, things have reached a calm period right now. Spent thanksgiving with my dad and had a chance to spend some time with cousins. Getting together with them was wonderful. I was able to laugh, have fun and talk about the situation with my husband with people who really care about how we are doing.

Facing the Christmas season alone has me feeling overwhelmed and sad most of the time. I am trying to put on the appearance that the holidays are a joyfully time of the year. I embrace the reason for the season so much more than some that I would not mind skipping the hustle and bustle of the holidays and just celebrate the religious aspects of the season, but unfortunately I could not do that to the children. Christmas is a many faceted holiday and to take that away from the kids would not be anything I could live with. As it is, it is going to be a skimpy holiday for gifts.

Not to sound so down, things are actually going pretty well, at least as well as can be expected. The kids are thriving, and performing well everyday. All of them had an A average for the first quarter in school, all excel at their fall and winter sports and are still able to live everyday finding joy in what they do. My oldest has his first girlfriend, and is slowly becoming an adult. I have my small circle of friends who keep track of me and make sure we are all doing well. But no one can really appreciate the loneliness that I feel when I sit back and realize that I am still without my partner and will be for almost 4 years.

As I write I think of so much more to add, but they are long enough to be topics themselves, and I will save them for another day. The calmness scares me because history shows me that the calm never lasts...eventually something sends everything spinning.

More Changes

A week ago today I received a phone call telling me that my Mom had passed away, another part of my life going through changes. I contacted the school, advising them that the kids would be out for a few days and made all the other arrangements I needed to make to be out of town for a number of days. We headed home the following morning to spend the time with family.

During all of this I had not heard from my husband for a number of days and was just beginning to worry but it was not a priority at this point for me. He had no idea my Mom had passed away and I did not know how to get the information to him. I was just hoping he would eventually call. Being with family was both a blessing and a test. Certain family members really know how to push all the right buttons, and I have one in particular. I had been informed that " I had not been with my Mom the last few weeks so I did not know her wishes". I found this very hurtful so I directed my energy elsewhere, I spent much of my time trying to help my Dad with whatever he needed like his ironing, haircuts, and meals. I had very little input in her final arrangements but I am confident that my Dad was glad I was there. At the last minute however I was asked to make remarks at her funeral on behalf of the family and I readily accepted the invitation.

I had finally been able to get a message to my husband and he called home the night before the funeral. Turns out there had been some kind of altercation almost a week and half earlier but he did not tell me about it because he did not want to worry me more. Well how did that work out for you! Instead of being able to focus on my family I spent many hours trying to track him down, checking his status on-line, checking the money in his phone account and anything else I could think of that will tell me why he had not called. He was actually in solitary and had no phone privileges. Of all weeks! One of the worst weeks of my life and he is not available to me in any way. Normally I would have phone calls but not this week, why?

The old anger resurfaces and I am upset because he is not with us, that is where he is supposed to be. Let's not mention that this is the first time I have seen many of my extended family and wonder how many of them wonder where my husband is. No one asked where he was but I wondered who knew and what they were all thinking.

The kids were supportive and kept their normal attitudes in check so for the most part things went pretty well. Time spent with the family was wonderful and helped make a difficult time a little easier. It was very hard to come home and face the world alone again, and seems to be a reminder of the fact that I am alone in this world right now and it is all because of his stupidity. I have not talked to him since the one call and do not know when I will talk to him again. I continue to get letters but even they don't seem to be enough.

My life, for the last 2 years now seems to be constantly changing and I have never been afraid of change but lets slow the pace down a little and not make all the changes at once.

Things You Miss

It has been awhile since my last post, that does not mean that things are going smoothly. Things have been going OK because we are getting used to living day to day with just one parent in the home. The counselor indicated that the kids have adjusted to having just one parent at home, not really sure if that is good or bad. Good for now and in making their lives easier to handle but is it bad in that they are getting used to not having Dad at home? Will Dad just be this voice over the phone and a pen pal that they share stories with? What role will he play now and in the future?

Issues with my Mom and her health at this time has made it evident that she is preparing to die. I can see in her eyes that she has given up, and is waiting to be free of the pain. Heart problems lead to the discovery of cancer, but with her weakened heart she can not tolerate any cancer treatment. So for us it is a question of "when" and not "if". With my Dads dementia we are not certain of how much he understands about what is going on. But now is when I miss my husband the most. He has always been the rational voice to keep me sane in times of tragedy, the shoulder to cry on, and the rock upon which I could lean. He is not here! Who is there for me. I am trying to be strong for my brother who is in the thick of it all as the primary care giver and offering any assistance I can, but I am still losing my mother.

My husband is gone, I am losing my mother and we are not certain how long my Dad will last without my Mom. And yet I still have to be strong for 3 kids and family who continue to lean on me.

Sadness, anger, and loneliness are emotions that are always close at hand although I try not to let the world see them. Most people don't really want to hear the truth when they ask "how are you?' so I keep those emotions to myself and only experience them when I am away from the rest of the world. Just when I have mastered a new issue about being alone something else is thrown in front of me. It seems that it has become a test, what new issue will be before me next? I can't help but wonder over the course of his sentence what else could possibly be put in my path. These are constant reminders of how much I miss him and what he brought to my life.

What will I miss tomorrow? What will I have to learn to handle on my own? The journey continues...

What About the Family?

I have found myself spending numerous hours doing research on what help is available for my family and for others like me. Everyone agrees that the family of an inmate serves a sentence with the prisoner. If everyone agrees that that is the case then what is being done about it? I have been lucky enough to find free counseling for my children and reduced counseling for me. Working through the emotional issues with them has been great but do they really understand what I have to go through every day?

They can't tell me how to save more money this month to buy the birthday presents that are not in my regular budget, or how do you explain to people where your spouse is, or find that shoulder to cry on because they have been there and done that.

I have been referred to local ministers who never responded beyond an introductory e-mail, or been told that there is nothing local for me to attend. I have sent e-mail after e-mail asking for whatever advise they could offer. Don't get me wrong, I have received some wonderful books, e-mails, phone calls and support from a number of people but I guess I am looking for something more permanent, more tangible, more local, or more real.

There are support groups out there for everything including drinking, drugs, abusive spouses, illnesses, weight programs, smoking and the list goes on. Why hasn't someone been successful in putting together a group to help inmate spouses and their families. If you believe all the statistics there should be a large popultaion out there without a spouse or family member due to incarceration. I know that Ann Edenfield has started a Wings program in New Mexico and is trying to start something in other areas, and there are various websites out there that offer very good information and support like PrisonTalk.com but it has taken me months to find all this...why?

Now that I have put together this library of information, what do I do? I am not sure, that is something that I have to figure out and decide if I want to complain about the problem or be part of the solution. There is still so much information that I am finding out everyday, and yet I still have so many questions. More time doing research, sending e-mails and asking for help and only time will tell.

So how do I find that extra money for the birthday present?

Results of the Visit

Second post for today because I did not want to sound all doom and gloom and I did promise to talk a little more about the results of our visit.

One of the most noticeable changes since the visit, believe it or not, has been with my 15 year old. He had the most anger and seemed to be the most distant at times. Part of that, I am told is just because he is 15. He was not openly looking forward to the visit because in his words "More crying", but I managed to keep that in check and had a virtually tearless vacation. I think he had the opportunity to look around the visitors room and see all the other kids there visiting their dads. Suddenly he was not the only person in the world going through all of this. He was impressed with the way his Dad had looked and how he was trying to improve what he could. Mind you, he would never admit this, but I think that is how he felt. The benefit for me is that he is a different kid at home now. Yes, he still picks on his brother and sister and gives me grief about not having the right kind of mayonnaise, but there is a change. Suddenly the lawn is getting mowed without me asking, he is even commenting that it needs to be mowed again.

He is suddenly more responsible and being helpful with the bigger stuff. He still whines about emptying the dishwasher though. I have come home from work and he has started dinner or has made more of an effort to find a ride occasionally for all his practices. Don't get me wrong, he is still 15 and sometimes a pain but suddenly I am seeing glimpses of the man he will someday be and I like what I see.

The phone calls now are harder. I don't know if I can explain why. Is it because I don't know when I will see him again? Or is it because we did see him, that it reopened all the wounds that we had finally gotten past? Is is a reminder of all the feelings, and that we can't be together as a family? I want to be able to take the kids more often to see him, I want to see him more. The calls are a reminder that we can't do that. I am anxious for a letter in the mail, or the day when I know he will call, then he calls and the beep that signals the end of the call is coming and I seem to fall apart. It has been almost 8 months, does this ever go away?

The kids are more relaxed in knowing where their Dad is and what it all looks like. So they are not as stressed about the conditions, although just last night my daughter talked about what things would be like and when Dad could come home, so it is always still in the back of their minds.

I have become much closer to Rick's aunt and believe that she is the added blessing from this trip. We e-mail often and she keeps up on how the kids are doing and offered to help out with all the back to school supplies.

Hopefully I have shared enough of the positives of the visit with my husbands parents, that they would be inclined to visit him as well. They are planning a trip to the area but have not fully committed to a visit. I just remind my husband to not be disappointed if they do not come and enjoy whatever time he has if they do.

We have all changed after the visit and for the better I think. We do not know when the next opportunity for a visit will come along but we will adapt to the new feelings and situations that we now face everyday. Hey...we have made it this far.

The Price We Pay

Whether you believe in God, Karma, a greater being, or the absolute randomness of the universe, you have to sit back and wonder why things happen the way they do. In my last post I talked about how good things were with our visit and felt like things were looking up, and that was the case for about a week and a half. Then the world knocked on my door and just barged in screaming.

One afternoon I got a call from my sister-in-law telling me that she was in the hospital for surgery and my Mom had been admitted down the hall. Turns out my sister-in-law had a sooner than planned surgery but my mom was in there for new blood clots. Long story short, she actually has cancer on her kidney and is still in the hospital 2 weeks later. My Dad's dementia is getting progressively worse, he had a good day Saturday, but a bad day Sunday when we went for a visit.

When I drove the kids out for one weekend to see her in the hospital, as we were getting off the highway, the transmission slipped. We made it back home, but the oil change light and the service engine light both came on during the trip. So now I am driving a vehicle that is not running right, and according to my mechanic needs to have an overhaul of the transmission...translation...lots of money.

One of our cats came home the other day and I knew right away he was not doing well. He had been to the vet in the spring and they had fixed the problem $500.00 later, but of course there were no guarantees that it would not come back. Well, it came back. I don't have the money for another large vet bill, so we are all dealing with the possibility of losing a family pet.

Lots of shut off notices in the mail this month, and juggling them to stay ahead of them all seems to be a little more than I can handle at times. But there are moments when I simply have to sit back and laugh in the face of it all and wonder what could possibly be around the next corner. However most of my time is spent trying to figure out how to handle that moment's most pressing problem while still trying to find solutions for all the other ones lurking up ahead.

So is this the price we pay for having 4 days of happiness and leaving the rest of the world behind? For thinking that there is light at the end of the tunnel? It is a rude reminder that we are all still knee deep in the worst experience of our lives and onward we keep moving.

Four Days of Joy

Well, we just recently returned from our first visit. I had not seen my husband in 6 months and we had to drive 11 hours to do that. His aunt helped make the trip possible, she made all the arrangements, drove her car and did whatever she could to make the trip enjoyable for me and the kids. The trip down took a little longer than we had planned because of some traffic issues, but we arrived in time to go visit for a few hours and go through the process for the first time. It was not as bad as one might imagine, but the officers quickly realized that it was our first time, and they "softened" up a bit. We had to fill out paperwork, wait. Move up to the correct building when called and wait. Hand in our ID and paperwork, then wait. Get photographed (only happens on your first visit), remove our shoes, empty pockets, pass through the metal detector, get your hand stamped and stand in line and wait. We were then taken through one set of doors and waited for permission to go through the second set of doors. We were told where to sit and then we impatiently waited to see him.

I did not see him come in the room, my back was to the door that he entered the room through. Suddenly the kids were saying "There's Dad!". I immediately started looking around the room but I did not see him, finally the kids where able to point him out to me. Oh my! I did not recognize him at all. The warmer climate certainly agrees with him, he has lost over 30 lbs, new hair cut and much healthier. Hugs and kisses all the way around. My littlest admitted that he thought we would be talking to him over the phone with a piece of glass between us, imagine how surprised he was when he got to sit on Dad's lap. My oldest got to see how tall he was compared to Dad and my daughter was glad to see her Dad.

The kids went back with me the next morning and I went alone the last day by myself. The last day was difficult because it meant that we would be leaving without him again shortly without knowing when we would be able to see him again. We did spend the rest of our afternoons like vacation, amusement parks, swimming, beaches and site seeing thanks to his aunt.

Overall it was the best 4 days our family has had in a very long time, only a hint of what the future holds for us as a family. So much has come out of the trip that there is not enough room in one entry, so I will save that for another day but all I can say is a grateful thank you to a wonderful aunt who will never really appreciate how much what she did meant to all of us.

Can You Feel Unconditional Love?

We hear stories all the time about 90 year old couples who have remained together for 70 plus years, and we all know people who haven't survived one year of marriage only to get a divorce and move on to someone else. What is the difference that makes one couple stay in it for the long haul and another give up so quickly. Is it true love, unconditional love, or something deeper within the individual that gives them the courage to stick with it?

People still wonder why I am staying with my husband and truthfully I can not express in words why I have made that choice so far. Truth be told, my life would be so much easier if I walked away from him like so many others have, but something inside me is telling me that that is not what I need to do.

I wonder how many of us can say that there is someone out there who loves us unconditionally. Many of us would say that the easy answer is our parents, yet how many of us have a friend or family member who, for what ever reason, has disassociated themselves with a parent and their life is better for it. Don't forget that "toxic" family member that isn't happy unless everyone is miserable. So the question remains, do any of us know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally? I tell my children every day that I will love them forever no mater what they do or become, but can they feel that love? Does that love feel different for the recipient than the love a new boyfriend or girlfriend or even the love of a best friend? Or is it a love that can only be measured and felt when the 70 years have past and you are still together or the life changing event happens and you stand by that person. You stay with someone through the illness, or donate our own body parts so another can live, or stand by someone during the worst time of their life, is that the only time you feel that you are loved unconditionally?

I would ask my husband how that feels right now, does it make a difference in his life, to know that I have chosen (and yes it is a choice) to stay here waiting for him or does it feel the same? I am not sure how I feel, I don't feel loved unconditionally, because I wonder if he "loves" me now because no one else does right now. Is that something he can ever repay? Can he ever do anything to make me feel that same unconditional love, or the fact that that he stays with me as well, is my sign.

Too much time alone with time to think about things in a way that we normally take things for granted I guess. Only time will tell for me, but my wish for everyone is that they know that at least one person on this earth loves them unconditionally and forever.

Calm Seas Ahead

Seems that we have reached a point where things have settled into a routine. The daily activities of living, working and raising a family continue. Grateful that everyday I have the opportunity to wake up, spend time with my children, learn and grow, and continue to strive to be a better person.

Phone calls and letters continue to keep us connected to my husband. Some family continues to offer whatever they can, and I can now start to repay some of the kindnesses shown to me by my friends. Being there for them when they need my help, or offering a shoulder when things are not going so well. I am not sure I could ever repay everyone who has helped me in some form or another, but part of that goal is a "pay it forward" type of idea. Help someone else as others have helped me. Some people may not even know that they were a help or that they made a difference in our lives when we needed them. How do you say thank you to a perfect stranger that you will never see again?

Everyone is still seeing a counselor, because everyday some new thing happens that triggers some new emotions or anxiety, but things seem more manageable these days. It is still a struggle but life is always a struggle, it is just a level of degrees.

Some times it feels that time is dragging by, but other times it feels that this time is only a small blip on the screen of our lifetime here. Putting and keeping things in perspective is what keeps us sane and on the right path, others can be the ones to point out the correct direction as well as try to lead you off in the opposite direction.

Life is a balancing act and finding the right balance is something we all strive for. It is that one thing that gets thrown at you that throws the whole balance off and then how quickly can we right the scales becomes our short term goal.

Two are Better Than One

Shortly after my first son was born, my husband had to attend a three week, out of town training for his job. He came home only one weekend in that whole three weeks. I had one small child and was trying to work a full time job. I had a real hard time balancing everything at that time. It was at that time that I decided that I would do whatever was in my power to never be a single parent. I made a choice at that time that I would do whatever I could to make sure my children had the support and encouragement of 2 parents. That three weeks was the worst three weeks I had ever spent, until recently.

The decision I made after that experience is what kept me with my husband another 14 years. I saw how hard life would be without a partner and knew I did not want to travel down that road. I stayed with him through the rough patches because I knew any rough patch with a partner is better than a rough patch alone. We worked through difficult times, experienced good times and still remained a whole parental unit. It was worth every fight, every argument and every disagreement. The worries were shared, the burdens cut in half, and the pressure was not so intense. The children benefited everyday. If I had not stayed, I would not have 2 more beautiful children that bring me joy every moment of my life.

But now? Now I am that single parent that I struggled so hard to not become. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and feel like my legs are giving out from under me. I have no one to share the worries, the stress, and the pressure. It is all mine now. No one to share the joy, the moments of pride, or the quiet moments of reflection and laughter. It is my path to follow alone. What a strange twist of fate, that the one thing in my life that I worked the hardest at, is the one thing in life I failed to keep.

I realize that I am not the first single parent in the world, and that I certainly won't be the last, but I have to wonder why people would choose this path. I was not given a choice, it was chosen for me. I look out at the world and wonder why people seem to give up so easily when things don't seem to be an easy fix. It is easier to walk away than try to fix what is broken I guess, but I have never been one to take the easy road, just the road that would get me where I want to be no matter what direction it took.

My path has taken a drastic turn, but I will continue on it in the hopes that I could still reach the same destination some day, although not the way that I had planned. And yes, I still believe that two are better than one.

Not Faith, but Church vs Religion

Some interesting thoughts bouncing around this past week, some may call it a crisis of faith, but faith is not at issue. If it was not for my faith, I would have fallen apart a long time ago. My faith keeps me grounded, sane, offers me something to cling to and keeps me focused on the hope that all will some day be better. So, faith is not a problem, the problem arises when I sit back and consider the expression of that faith.

Not to point fingers at any one denomination, I belong to a christian church in my community and have been a member there for over 12 years. I have been active in different groups and programs throughout my time there. My children attend all the children's programs and studies and actively participate in the services. My husband also attended and participated as well.

When the nightmare started, where were the people from my church family? and where have they been ever since? Even the reverend did not call the house more than once to see how we were doing and then he only spoke to my husband. Don't get me wrong, there have been a small group of 4 or 5 who have tried to keep track of us and make sure everything is going. (notice I did not say "well"...just going). But on a daily basis, the church (of a different denomination) in the town where I work has gone above and beyond to make sure my children and I are doing OK. They have given us grocery gift cards, offering to pay car repairs, bought my washing machine, and tried to help me in any other conceivable way they could. Even going as far as trying to track down local support groups and making themselves available for what ever else I need.

So my question is, Who is the better role model? Who is behaving more Christ like? Who would I want my children to emulate? Is it time for me to consider changing denomination or do I just start attending a church of the same denomination but in a different town? Is it my community church that is so lacking or is it my religion?

Maybe the grander question or lesson is for me to take this opportunity to teach those in my home church where they have fallen short. I sit back and watch them glorify themselves at the time and effort put in to remodeling the building when it is so evident that there are so many more within their own community that are in need and I am not just referring to my family. Why is it so many only practice their religion when they are in the building? What about when you are in the community, with your family or even at work. The people who take the opportunity to be of service within their daily lives are a much better model of what it truly means to be a christian or a person of faith.

I have certainly learned from this that I too want to be a better person all the time. To reach out to those less fortunate and at a low point in their lives is something I have put into practice. I am volunteering my time in groups that can benefit from my knowledge and experience to help and serve others in need. I am always looking for the opportunities that allow me to exercise the motto "what you do onto the least of my people, you do on to me".

Maybe this is all part of the lessons that I am meant to learn, now it is up to me to figure out where that lesson will take me. No more answers here, what else is new, but something a little more profound to ponder.

Another Rough Patch

Just when the sun starts to come out another storm manages to blow through. Where to begin? It all started with good news...my husband's Aunt (although she is much closer in age to my husband than his father) called to offer to drive me and my kids down to Virginia in July to see my husband. What great news! The kids were excited and so was I, seemed like things were finally getting better.

But wait...Wednesday my daughter called me at work to tell me that all the electricity was off and there was a note saying that the electric company had shut it off. How? I had paid the minimum to avoid shut off by the date on my notice. "You still owe us more money so we can" was the response I was given. "We can not do a repayment plan because your husbands name is on the account, we can only offer a plan to him". Good luck with that. I had to pay the entire amount due to get the electric turned back on. Two days before pay day...do you think I had any money?...no! A friend ended up paying the balance for me, my miracle for the day, oh, but it will take 24 hours to turn the power back on.

All the circuits needed to be off to switch the power back on, but I had no idea what time they would come through so I left the refrigerator switch on. Well, Thursday my daughter calls again to tell me that the electric is still not on and that they left another note saying they could not turn it on because all the switches were not off. Another call, another request and another 24 hours before restoration of power. Well, it pays to have a few friends (and I have a few...not as many as before...but the ones left are great), a friend called his friend who works for the electric company and my electric was turned back on. Hurrah! My miracle for that day.

Did I mention that in the middle of all this was my wedding anniversary, 18 years this year. I got a card from my husband and a friend. That was it, nothing from my family or his. Tell me how you really feel.

Met with my counselor, no public services for me, I make too much for aid but not enough to live go figure. I did get some funds to replace all the spoiled food though, miracle number 3.

Hang on tight because miracle number 4 is a big one. A friend got HIS church group (not my church) to buy me a brand new clothes washer. It not used, not a reconditioned unit, but a brand new washer. They brought it over this past weekend and I got to spend the weekend doing tons of laundry and boy was I ever happy. Who would have thought that a new clothes washer would be a miracle but when you have been going to the laundromat for 6 months with 3 active kids, it is a life saver.

I continue to count my miracles but for the short term the storm clouds are still lingering overhead. I have made it this far, I should be able to keep going...?????

Monsters-in-Law Part 1

Since the day I first met my future in-laws I knew they did not like the choice that their son had made, she immediately made snap judgements based on a short visit without really getting to know me first. I remember asking my parents what they thought of my "boyfriend" and my mom told me it was to soon to form an opinion. What a difference. The day of our wedding she cried ALL day long, I don't think she ever stopped.

I have always been polite, kind, respectful and never said a harsh word although I have always been honest with them. I told them that I could not call them Mom and Dad, because I was uncomfortable calling anyone other than my parents Mom and Dad. However, I have never liked the type of people that my in-laws are. My mother-in-law is very materialistic, self-centered, selfish, appearances are everything, a liar and emotionally cold. If I met her as a person she would surely not be someone that I would seek out as a friend. My father-in-law is very unemotional at times, turns to work to avoid confrontation, and also emotionally cold. Although he used to be much more enjoyable to be with than my mother-in-law.

Since my husbands arrest and subsequent prison sentence things have only gotten worse. They had originally told me that anything I needed they would help with, what they neglected to add was that it had to be convenient for them and would not affect their image or perceived life style. They had told their friends that "their son and family had moved to Virginia" just to explain why we would not be visiting and made us seem unreachable. They were no where to be seen on the day of his sentencing, again it would have been "too hard for her", never mind that I had 3 children at home and still managed to be there even though it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. I was there for him, and "There's your sign". They have never really been there for him. They have always been emotionally distant, never offering him acceptance, approval or offering a feeling of love.

So what am I to do now? I no longer have my husband acting as a buffer, what choices do I make? Well, I told her that she can't expect to call me anytime and drop whatever I am doing to indulge in a long drawn out conversation of whatever she wants to talk about, namely her. (I did not use those exact words, I was actually much nicer. Some of that is what I was thinking.) I told her I would call if I had news to share and that she could come up and see the kids any time, but I could not spare the expense of a 4 hour drive to visit them just for 1 meal (2 hours down and 2 hours back) which is all they have offered us since my husbands incarceration.

I have received more help and kindness from co-workers and friends than I have from my husbands parents and that has only shown a brighter light on the emotional scarring that my husband has had to deal with throughout his life. It is not an excuse but it does offer a great deal of understanding.

There is so much more to this story that I will have to continue another day, but the story goes on when they made their first visit to our home since last summer. What an event...to be continued.

Helplessness

What a horrible couple of days. Two days ago was my daughter's birthday, the first family event without Dad. It was difficult because I had very little money to get her anything of significance, but bless her heart, she just thought everything was wonderful. I had to plan everything by myself: attend my son's ballgame, pick up a small cake and wrap the 2 gifts I had gotten for her. In her eyes the cake was the best and it was the best day ever. The real fun began the next morning.

In trying to juggle everything the night before I did not remind my little one to get his homework done, so when he got up in the morning suddenly he did not want to go to school. It did not take me long to understand why, since this is a daily problem for him. From there it only got worse. He could not find a shoe and the clock is ticking. Now I will be late for work, but I sit by patiently waiting for him to settle down and be ready to go. No such luck. He gets in the car crying and complaining and then the truth comes out, "without daddy here, why should I bother?"

I explain as best I can that I am trying to juggle everything and everyone as best I can but he comes back with "Daddy used to help with my homework". By this time he is crying uncontrollably and I am trying to get him to school knowing that I will now be late for work. He continues his rant on the 2 minute ride to school about "I miss daddy, I miss daddy coming to my games, he used to help with my homework, yesterday was the first birthday without him and I miss him" By now I am crying as well. What words can you say that will make it all better for a 10 year old when I can't make it better for myself? We get to school and I pull into the parking lot but not up to the door and I just hug him. What else can I do? He begins to calm down but is in no condition to walk into the school, so I did what I thought was the best thing at that moment, we both left. I held his hand all the way to work (it was asleep by the time I got there but I was not going to move it). He spent the day with me at work, and it wasn't until lunch time that his mood started to improve and the happy, smiling face started to come out. I thought about getting an appointment with his counselor but he has one scheduled next week anyway so I just made sure he finished his homework while we were there, treated him to a slice of pizza for lunch and spent my time with him.

Almost 6 months down the road and you would think that things would be better but yet everyday something comes up that reminds us of the position we are in. Family will be coming this weekend (glad some are, not so glad others are) and I have a small list of things that I need my brother to help with, I need to take advantage of the help while it is there. Yesterday was hard, but we made it through, only 4 more years to go.

Where is Rock Bottom?

Everyone says that things are bound to get better, or when you hit bottom you have no place to go but up. I keep thinking that too, yet I guess I have not hit bottom. Just when I thought things were looking brighter something else happens. I feel like I am in the bottom of a big hole and frantically trying to dig my way out. But all I am managing to do is to move the dirt around in the bottom of the hole making it bigger. I can not seem to figure out what I need to do to start climbing out and up the sides. I am not just looking up from the bottom doing nothing, I am doing everything I can think of, but nothing seems to be working.

Financial issues remain at the top of the list, personal issues, family, work, not being able to visit, the community as a whole, the list some days is endless, and lets not forget dealing with teenagers. Dealing with them when all is right in the world is a monumental task, let alone with all the other stresses in my life. On sentence from the teenager on Mother's Day and I loose it and break down crying because his nasty comment makes me feel like I am failing. He doesn't apologize because that is not cool, and he is still struggling with his own emotions. It is easier to yell and blame me because I am the one who is still there. He can't be mad at Dad because that would get him no where. How do you yell at someone who is not there?

Frustration is the word of the day every day. Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right things? Why can't I see the results of my efforts? Why do I keep falling behind? I am not sitting idly by watching the world spin. I am trying, doing, and going everyday to try and make things better but to no avail. What am I doing wrong?

One small sign or hint of better things to come would be like a golden beacon at the top of that hole showing me where I should put my foot to start the climb. I don't need to know the final destination, I would just like to know what is the next turn I should be making.

Weather Forecast

The sun shines, the wind blows, the seasons change, and life moves on for most. My life seems to be on hold. It is like the movies where the person gets up and relives the same day over and over again until they get it right. I get up every day and go through the motions. Taking care of the kids, taking care of work, taking care of the house, and taking care of anything else that might come up. But am I really living? It doesn't feel like it. Part of me is missing and I keep reliving the same day over and over again looking for that piece.

I know where that piece is, it is in Virginia in a federal prison and will not be back in my life for another 4+ years. So what do I do for the next few years? How do I continue "living" my life in a way that allows me to laugh, enjoy, and grow without feeling like I am surrounded by a fog. I have become much more acute to the wonderful experiences in my children's lives. I have to mentally record every aspect of an event so I can relive that event on paper in my letters. I notice every small detail and record even the tiniest moment. I have taken to bringing a notepad with me to some activities to give a moment by moment description. I feel like a sports broadcaster at their sporting events...swing and a miss! An evening sleep over becomes fodder for a 3 page letter to tell him all about the silly things they do and say.

What is the benefit to me? I have a greater appreciation for the precious time I have with them and the shear joy of watching them grow and change. I am recording moments in a way that most parents would not have the opportunity to or even take the time too. It is frustrating to me when events conflict and I can only attend one event...which do I choose? How do I choose one over another?

The day to day activities that most people take for granted I tune in on, these are the important things of our lives. Remember the first step or the first word, when did we become so busy we forgot to look for the "firsts". I hear the first time my sons voice cracks, or the first time I don't recognize him on the phone. The first time my daughter cleans up the kitchen without me having to ask. The first time my youngest decides to mow the lawn on his own and struggles but will not give up or admit that he needs help. The home run, the perfect game, the first dance are all wonderful but it is in the day to day living that memories are made to be shared.

So I may be surrounded by a fog that is here to stay for a while but I have the fog lamps on and am focusing clearly on those things around me so I don't miss them and neither does he.

Questions Unanswered

My life is hectic. I am now the sole authority and repsonsible parent in the raising of three children. Life continues for us in a new way. We are developing what we call our "new normal". Things are not perfect but we seem to have fallen into a routine. I get up everyday before anyone else is moving, spend about 45 minutes for myself which includes shower time, then begin waking up everyone else based on the schedule for the day. It is off to work or school and then pick ups and drop offs according to afterschool and weekend activities. Somewhere in there I find the time to do laundry, make and eat dinner, sometimes clean up dishes and fix or repair something around the house and then before you know it, it is bed time.

Crawl into bed, but now this is the time I write to my husband telling him about all the mundane stuff that I did that day, you know "fixed the light in the garage", "repaired the broken screen". I just try to keep him connected to what we are doing in our everyday lives. Some would look at my life and schedule and wonder when I have time for anything else, yet I have so much time to think, hope, worry and wonder about the future.

What will life be like when he comes home? Will we want him to come home? My oldest will be away at college, will he want a relationship with his father? Will I be angry with him? Can I learn to love the different man he will be? Will he be a better man? How do you explain to people where your husband is? and how do you explain where he has been when he suddenly comes home?

Will he ever be the man that we can all look at and be proud of again? This question seems to haunt me. I will get by and come out of this a strong and independent women, but then I have to welcome home someone whose decisions and choices destroyed our home. This man comes home with a tarnished record and a potential handicap to any opportunity for gainful employment. He comes back to us with nothing, no job, no money, no additional skills only further infringement in our lives by the legal system. He comes with more interviews, more visits, more inspections, more restrictions on our otherwise normal lives. Are we going to be ready to have that in our lives. Better yet, will he be ready to rise to the challenge and meet it head on to get past those handicaps and become someone who has a tremendous amount to offer all of us? Will he become someone that we are all proud to have a part of our lives? Someone that we can respect and start to rebuild what has been lost?

I see him changing already, but he is in an environment and surroundings that make it easier to change. Say what you will about prison life, but they are sheltered there. There are no temptations, no pressures and nothing to encourage bad behavior. What happens when they are thrown back out into the real world with everyday stress, the influence of family and friends, and the reality that now they have to make their way in the world? Only time will tell...but I spend too much time now wondering what the future holds.

I Hate Roller Coasters.

With all the uncertainty in my life there is one thing I can surely count on...that my life and/or my emotional state of mind is a roller coaster. One minute things are going OK and I am laughing with friends, co-workers, or my children and in the blink of an eye, my world is being turned up side down and I am a blubbering pile of mush.

A regular day at work turns into a frustrating day of fighting with the cell phone company because they shut off your service again and now they get to charge you $36 extra next month to turn it back on when you only got the shut off notice the day before. "oh, you need to make an arrangement before we shut the phone off, otherwise there is nothing we can do". Never mind that it is the only phone I have to keep in contact with out of town family members (no long distance on the home phone...too expensive) and it is the only way, as a single parent, I can keep track of where all the kids are. Now with an additional $36 on next month's bill I am already behind and I haven't even got that one in the mail yet.

It is a relief to know that my husband has finally been placed in his permanent location, I know where he is and that he is safe. Then through bits and pieces of phone conversations (we can talk more often now that I sent him some money and the phone system is actually better) and letters he starts describing his days and surroundings. There are no locks on the doors, the food isn't too bad and some of the guys can cook some good stuff in their rooms. There are softball fields, walking tracks, basketball courts and pin pong. He has a sunburn because it is 80 degrees and sunny where he is and he has been asked to join the softball team.

WAIT A MINUTE, so you tell me, who, in this wonderful legal system, is the one being punished? Yeah, he can't walk out the door and come home, but he gets 3 square meals a day, a job and the opportunity to read and relax all day long. So on one hand, I am grateful that the conditions are so much better than before, but yet angry at the same time because I am the one struggling, going without, dealing with the cold, rain and some snow and worried how I am going to buy groceries next week. And get this, because they moved him so far away I can not even visit him and get my own sunburn.

It is an emotional roller coaster of joy and sadness, contentment and frustration, peace and anger, and laughter and tears. When will it all end? STOP THE RIDE...I WANT TO GET OFF!!

I Have Never Walked Alone

My personal faith journey began with the guidance and modeling from my parents. When given the opportunity to choose my own path, I choose to attend a religious based college. It was in college that my faith journey began to evolve and become a personal relationship with God. My religion and philosophy classes became as important to me as my core classes.

Throughout the years since college, my faith and personal relationship with God has sustained me on a daily basis. I have continued to find ways to further explore and achieve greater understanding. I have enjoyed bible study groups, attending weekly services, individual readings, participation in church activities and discussions with both believers and non-believers.

The past year and a half however, a series of events has tested my faith and belief in God. Some people have looked at my life and asked how I find the strength to keep going. Other people in similar situations would turn away from God, believing that no grand being would cause such pain. I however, have found continued strength stemming from my faith. I see signs of God working in my life every day even in the darkest hours. These small gifts from God, call them miracles if you wish, give me the strength to keep loving and laughing. I see God in the kindness of a friend, in the actions of a stranger, in a needed hug from one of my children or a well timed phone call from family.

The path in front of me is still unclear, but I know that with prayer and God’s help, there is very little of this world that I cannot handle. I have learned that the sun always shines after the storm and laughter will always follow tears and it is in the moments of sunshine and laughter that we can know God is with us during the storm and the tears. I am a better person today than I was a year ago; I have grown in my relationship with God, as a human being, as a parent, as a daughter and as a spouse. I have been the beneficiary of pure kindness and seen Christ like people that have become models that I will strive to emulate. I can only hope that I can live up to the standards that they set in front of me and can someday be the person who touches and affects someone else so deeply and profoundly.

I am uncertain of what tomorrow will bring, whether it be tears or laughter, but I do know that with God walking with me there is nothing that we cannot get through. The lessons I have learned are part of a larger plan that I am gladly volunteering for. I will continue learning, seeking understanding and serving as the road unfolds ahead of me.

Exercising Control

Back in January of 2008, my life started to spin out of control. My life was ruled by lawyers, investigators, counselors, reporters and the legal system. I was a bi-stander in my own life. The turmoil that my family was going through was beyond my scope of experience and I did not know how to handle any of it. Everything was a new experience, and every new experience came with a new set of stress and anxiety. I was going through the motions of daily living trying to keep things normal for the kids and appearing like I had things under control, but in the process I was completely and utterly out of control. My appetite was gone, I would cook meals and barely be able to stomach a few forkfuls. I noticed my weight was dropping because I wasn't eating. What was I supposed to do? I could afford to loose a few pounds, who couldn't, but I had to eat something. I then decided to go back to what I knew.

Years ago after the birth of my first son, I had a very difficult time losing all the baby weight and in that process discovered a weight lifting/sculpting program that I could do and fit into my schedule. In a very short time I had lost all the extra weight. So in this time of stress and uncertainty I went back to my weight program. I had used it on and off through out the years but this time I totally committed myself. Every morning without fail, give or take 15 minutes, over the course of a week I have worked every body part 2 times. It was the only thing I did for myself throughout the course of the day, but I did do it.

Started running and walking on the treadmill in the evenings when time permitted. Though not fully committed to the treadmill, every little bit helped. Before I knew it, I did have people asking out of concern about my weight loss. I explained that it started out because I wasn't taking care of myself and the stress of the situation but I turned that negative into a positive. I took advantage of the sudden weight loss and exercised every day.

Here I am over a year later and still lifting my weights every day. If I miss a day because of scheduling or location I feel really guilty. I have lost over 30 pounds and have dropped over 4 sizes. I have tried the treadmill again and with the warmer weather try to add aerobic activities, but not always successfully. My appetite has returned but not to the extent that it once was. However with all the additional muscle I can burn more calories without gaining back any of the weight. My cholesterol numbers are down and my doctor is actually pleased with my weight, (when does that ever happen) so I am actually in better health.

So some things good do happen in adversity. I have improved my overall health and have become a positive role model for my kids. But most of all, in a time of chaos and uncertainty I was able to control one, albeit small part of my life for the better.

The Need to Move Forward

I have been struggling for the last few weeks in the job hunt. I know the economy is bad and that it is not a direct reflection on me, but I am beginning to realize how important it is for me to move FORWARD. I have a job, get up every morning and have a place to go but the struggle every day to pay all the bills and the everyday expenses is getting to me. I am moving every day but I am not moving FORWARD. I just feel that I am going through the motions with no destination in sight. I have $3 in my pocket right now that has to last five days until pay day and 3 kids home for Easter vacation. Talk about frugal living all you want but when your income is cut more than 60% it is a disaster.

I have been blessed in that the times when it has been the worst, believe it or not, God did provide. Someone gave me a grocery store gift card or a check for some other reason was in the mail. I had a car accident 3 days after he was put in prison. That accident turned out to be a blessing. My car was totalled (eliminating 1 car payment) and the other drivers insurance paid off my car and gave me a check for minor injuries, so I had another unexpected check. However, at this point I am tired of hoping that a check will appear in the mailbox. I want to be able to count on a paycheck to pay bills and not other people.

I want to move beyond the community that I am currently in. I want to be able to walk into the grocery store and not wonder who I may run into. I don't like living my life that way and for the most part have not stopped living, but I need to move beyond all of that now. My children would like to be someplace where their lives have not been reported about in the paper and not everyone thinks they know what goes on in your house. I would like to attend a school activity and have people not speak to me because they don't know me, not because they are mad at my husband.

My husband can never come home to this community, so moving somewhere else is probably in our future and I am ready for the future to begin now. I want to start rebuilding our lives and moving beyond all the sorrow, grief and hatred. I am ready now...is anyone out there listening...I am waiting.

Death vs Incarceration

Some have said that the grief that goes with incarceration is second only to death. I would argue that point any day. Yes, the grief associated with losing a loved one is tremendous, but depending on the circumstances could be seen as a blessing. When someone we love dies the world stops for a time, you are surrounded by loved ones, people offer their condolences, friends are there to lean on and everyone allows for the grieving process for all those involved. You must face the world without the loved one, but you have memories and other loved ones to see you through. In my family, one of the first things we all do is get together and celebrate life; our lives, the life of our family member and the joy that can be found in sharing memories and stories. Your boss allows time off from work, family and friends offer help in the form of meals, household help and general support. The loneliness is always there but experience tells you that the loved one has moved on and they will never be physically present in your life. You can be angry at them for leaving but you know it is not their fault.

My experience show that when your family member is sent to prison no one is waiting at home for you with a hot meal. Friends have mostly disappeared, the stigma of the sentencing rubs off on the family so all those that used to be there are gone. Extended family has buried their heads in the sand and is not interested in being seen, so all those people that would have normally been there are no where to be seen. You are left to deal with this loss alone.

Now, how do you deal with the loss? The person is gone, but not forever. They are not there to talk to, not there to watch the kids grow, and not there to share in the everyday activities of life just as if they were deceased. But yet they are still somewhere out there. Life moves on for everyone, but one day that person will someday come home. How do you move on with your life without the loved one being part of it and yet still keep that person alive in your heart and soul knowing that there will come a day when the lost loved one comes home. Do you become so good at getting through life without the loved one that they no longer seem alive, just a distant memory? Then when they come home, have they been raised from the dead so to speak.

Are you angry at them for the loss? After all it really was their fault. When do you stop being angry? It solves nothing but there are daily reminders of what is happening to your family. If you dwell on the anger, life would just seem to dismal. You would miss the small moments of joy that are out there every day. Too much to contemplate, worry about, or wonder. Again no answers can be found, only time will tell. I have to spend all my energy getting through one day at a time that I don't have time to second guess myself, only hope that my choices today pay off in the future.

Staying Connected

Two months down. One of the hardest things that we are facing as a family is trying to stay connected. My husband is currently part of the Federal Prison system and is still considered "in transit". He has not reached a permanent home as far as the BOP is concerned, yet he is being housed 250 miles from us at a "temporary" facility. His bunk mate has been at the temporary location for 7 months now. We don't know when or where he will be moved, so we have not been able to make any accommodations for better communication. Right now he calls home 1 night a week. It's a collect call that costs me $10 for 15 minutes. With up to 4 people wanting to talk to him, that doesn't leave much time for each person. We can not make other phone arrangements right now because he could be moved tomorrow. He has had his medical clearance to move, but so has his bunk mate, 3 times.

I write him everyday, usually at night to fill him in on all the boring day to day stuff. Then mail them out almost daily, although the weekend ones I hold because they do not get Saturday delivery. My youngest has dyslexia so writing letters is not his favorite thing to do, and I sometimes have to help him because he "doesn't know what to write". My daughter is a tween and as much as she misses her father, finds that life can get pretty busy with all her friends and activities. My oldest is still struggling with the anger and regardless of the badgering writes only when he wants to and that is only when it fits into his busy teenagers lifestyle.

I can not fault the kids, life needs to go on for them, their activities, their friends, and school. I understand that they are an innocent party in all of this mess and I am asking them to do more than a normal child should have to do, but I am afraid that life will get to comfortable without Dad and he will simply fade into the background. I am making the effort to keep connected and feel that I may be "moving on" so how could I not expect the kids to do the same.

The distance, costs, and procedures for a visit make it impossible at this point. I am not sure if I could handle a prison visit let alone the children. There are no easy answers for this one. I make sure we talk about Dad, and anyone who wants to talk to him when he calls is given that opportunity. I encourage cards and letters and whatever else we can think to send like, programs from school activities, a monthly calendar of our schedule and even a simple drawing. What else can I do at this point? I am not sure, only time will tell if what I am doing is enough.

The Financial Nightmare

By choice my husband was the major bread winner in our home. I have always worked but the focus has been on jobs with flexible schedules. These types of places do not usually pay the big bucks. I have an advanced degree but have always chosen to put my family first so I never had one of those high power, high profile, big paycheck kind of jobs. I have always done something that I liked for places that I have enjoyed working. Then when my husband was first questioned, his employer immediately fired him. He had been working a part-time job at the time, so it was a help. However that all changed when he was formally arrested, his part-time job also let him go. Now he was unemployed and all over the media, what were we supposed to do? He was not eligible for unemployment because his employer was claiming that he violated a condition of his employment.

He somehow managed to land a new job in a manufacturing environment making a third of his previous income. It is also at this time that we decided that he should move out of the house to keep all the legal stuff away from the kids. Suddenly I was trying to support a whole household on my smaller income. Most of his new income went toward his own living expenses and all his new legal fees.

It has only gotten worse since he started serving his sentence. Now I no longer have an extra source of emergency funds. I make just enough to not qualify for any government assistance but not enough to pay all my regular bills and buy groceries. We were cautious about our mortgage, so I actually pay less in my mortgage payment than if I had to rent a place to live, but even still it is a struggle every day deciding want gets paid and what doesn't. I have reduced my expenses as much as possible while still trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy for the family. But even his once a week $10 collect phone calls home start to add up. It is all the unexpected stuff: new shoes because they outgrew the old ones, a field trip for school, instrument repair, and don't forget car repairs.

I am currently looking for new work anywhere. Moving would be a blessing for most of us, but with this economy it has not been very successful. Another part-time job that would take me away from home even more is also out of the question. This is an hourly struggle that affects me physically and emotionally. It has only been through the kindness of friends and strangers that we have been able to keep groceries on the table. Grocery store gift cards have been a God send, but I can't expect them to continue. I continue looking, applying and exploring any other options that may be out there, some days I get discouraged but I do keep going. Why? Because I have 3 children who are counting on me to take care of them.

Legal System

Throughout the events of the last year one thing I have learned is that the legal system is more like a business. From the moment the investigators showed up banging on my door, my family became entrenched in a new business experience. Maybe it was related to my husbands charges but the investigators did nothing to reassure or show compassion for me or my children. They did however encourage me to leave my home with my children after they tried to question me. I could not think of any place that I could go and wouldn't you know that me children did not have school that day. I finally decided to head to out of town friends. When I finally returned home later that evening all the lights had been left on and the door was left unlocked.

Immediately, money had to be secured to hire an attorney, hind sight being 20/20 I should have spent more time choosing an attorney. The attorney we hired was just another employee for "The Legal Business". All the money we spent was supposed to allow him to turn himself in if charges were filed, but mysteriously the papers never made it from our attorneys to the investigators and he was arrested while driving my oldest son to school. Later that day, I had to pick him up as he was getting his ankle monitor installed. The parole officer talked to us like this is something that happens every day, like grocery shopping. I understand that they do this every day and all day, but this was my first ever experience with all of this. Would it have been too much to ask to have them show just a small amount of compassion? I am not asking that they sit there and hold my hand but take a few minutes to explain what is happening and what the next step is. Don't tell me that they don't know your history when you are sitting there, that they don't know that you have not been through this before.

The attorney continued to only do what was necessary, explaining very little about what was going on. When my husband met with his "group" they joked that I was the only one who seemed to know what was going on, because whenever one of them called me for anything, I took the opportunity to ask as many questions as possible, not letting them hang up until every question I could think of in that moment had been answered. They want to handle this like a business, so could I. Everyone will talk to you as long as they are getting paid.

As a whole I have been enlightened to the workings of our legal system and am truly disappointed in what I have seen. I am not sure what I can do about the flaws and black holes in the system but I feel sympathy for all those yet to experience it in the future. The one bright spot in all of this was the counseling center I was referred to for my children, it is free, and yet it is a place of safety and comfort. A place that I know the healing can continue.

Is there help out there?

When this long journey began one of the first things I did was to go to the internet and try and find some type of support group. There are groups for alcoholics, spouses of alcoholics, children of alcoholics, drug addicts, mental health issues, illnesses, parenting, relationships and thousands of others, but I could not find a group for people whose spouses were accused and facing criminal charges. I was left dangling out there on my own trying to find my way down this path. This did not make sense to me. I could not possibly be the first person dealing with this situation, there had to be others ahead of me.

I immediately got my children in counseling and got a referral from my own physician for a counselor. I went to my first counseling appointment not knowing what to expect. I cried ALOT and yet I felt better. Was anything solved? No. Did she offer me any great words of wisdom? No. I did, however, have the opportunity to share my feelings with a totally objective person. I continued to see my counselor when funds would allow, but was she anything more than a person who listened to me? I really needed to talk with someone who had experience, who could really understand my feelings and thoughts. No one seemed to be out there...or atleast admit that they were out there.

My husband had been attending a voluntary program with a "Dr." that costs alot of money, based on the recommendation of his attorney. This was a hardship, but we believed that it would pay off in the long run. During his pre-sentencing treatment, the "Dr." and a co-worker decided they wanted to explore the "forgotten Victims", namely the spouses, I was thrilled. I was asked to participate in a research project and gladly showed up to the initial interview/meeting. It was wonderful sitting in a room with other women who knew exactly every emotion I had experienced. After leaving the meeting a small group of us continued to talk and share stories. We had been promised an opportunity to meet again. In the meantime, in preparation for my husbands sentencing, my husband advised the "Dr." that he was leaving the program to tie up loose ends. Well, apparently once my husband was no longer a paying customer I was dropped from the list. I have never heard from the "Dr." again and I guess I was dropped from the research project. Again I was left alone with no one to share with.

Here I am over 1 year since the journey had begun and I am just now starting to find people with similar stories and experiences. Why did it have to take so long? Are people so ashamed of their circumstances that they don't want to share? I would love to share my stories, feelings and experiences with anyone who would want to talk. I have nothing to be ashamed of and am tired of explaining myself to people who 'just don't understand'. If anything good can come from this trip that I am on, then I would feel that maybe it wasn't all bad.

What about the Anger?

A friend asked me a question after reading my blog, they wanted to know about the anger I feel toward my husband. I think I surprised her by my answer when I told her that those feelings are long gone, but that does not mean that there are not other feelings to deal with. Yes, there was anger, anger when you are awakened out of a sound sleep with law enforcement officers banging on your door at 6:00 am in the morning to serve a search warrant. At the time though, there are so many more powerful emotions going on such as fear, worry for your children, and isolation that anger is lost in the background. It is only later that you must have to deal with the anger.

Throughout this whole ordeal I have been told that I am going through different stages of the grieving process, it seems with every new "event" it starts all over. In my case, I felt angry when the impact of what was going on really began to sink in, but at the same time, because I had known my husband for almost 20 years, my concern was helping him get through this. Someone needed to be there for him. Enough of the world was mad at him, it would serve no good for me to be angery with him too. That is not to say that throughout the year before his incarceration we did not fight, I did not yell and we did not argue about what happened, we did.
However, knowing him as long as I have, knowing his past, knowing his life, I can see where the events lined up that lead him to make these choices. I am not excusing his behavior at all but I can understand how some people make different decisions based on their background.

The anger I feel now is directed at those people who have disappointed me and my family throughout the past year. The people who you thought would stand by you no matter what, the people that you thought you could always count on, they are the ones who hurt me more everyday. That pain continues everytime they make a feable attempt at contact. My husband has apologized, agonized and cried over the choices he has made and the place he has left his family in, but we are living through that everyday, moving on, and looking toward a brighter future. He knows he can never make up for the fear and anxiety I now feel everytime I hear an unusual noise or an unexpected knock on the door, or the time that he will miss of his childrens lives. He will have to live with what he has done to his family for the rest of his life. He is being punished enough, what more would my continued anger do? I can say that I have forgiven him, he has worked hard to be a better person and has changed so much before his sentencing, but I may never forget what he has done and that is something I have to live with. As humans, forgiveness is something that we can give, it is one of the greatest gifts we can give, but that does not mean that we forget.

Who was I? Who am I becoming?

As I experience how other people treat me, I wonder to myself "Was I like that before?". Did I relish in gossiping about others? Was I the person who reached out to someone new, or did I view newcomers as trespassers? Did I add to the frenzie by passing on stories that I heard? Did I turn away from someone simply based on the stories I heard, not really knowing the "truth"? Was I the type of person who did not know what to say, so I opted to say nothing, even though I wanted to reach out somehow? Evaluating my past, I can say yes and no the all the questions to varing degrees. Was I the worst person, no, but I wasn't the best either.

As a newwcomer to a small town many years ago, we never truly felt like we fit in. It took many years to build friendships because it was the kind of town where a majority of the community was born there, will die there and their children will do the same. Strangers were not unwelcome they were just not embraced. I have been told by other "transplants" to the community that I always made them feel welcome even though they have since moved on to other places.

People can be lumped into three groups; those that harbor ill feelings, those that are still my friends, and those that don't know what to say, so they say nothing. I am not sure which is worse, those with bad feelings or those who say nothing, but at least I know where I stand with the angery people. I wonder about those who say nothing. I can't tell how to respond to them so after not wanting to subject myself to more hate, I say nothing. So there is the awkward feeling always in the room. I know the thought is that I think I am better than all of them, that's why I don't speak, but it is fear of further rejection. All they have to do is smile or say hello and that feeling falls away and friendly conversations are rekindled. But unfortunately, I have reached out too many times in the last year only to have my hand slapped like a child reaching into the cookie jar. It doesn't take long to learn that you should stop reaching.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I don't reach out, I have just learned to find different cookie jars and as for the question "Who am I becoming?", that is still a work in progress and I think it is headed in a positive direction. I already see differences in how I treat other people. I make a point to discourage my children from sharing or spreading any gossip. I try to treat all strangers as if they were my next best friend (because who knows, they might be) for I have learned that it is a perfect stranger who can turn a bad day into something good.

Strength Within

When this journey began people were always saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I know they were trying to offer words of encouragement at a time when no words seemed to fit but "ENOUGH ALREADY". God is not going to give me more than I can handle, well what are my choices? Push my way through it or curl up, forget my 3 wonderful children and hope the whole thing will go away? I have always been a strong, independent person but even I am having a hard time dealing with everything that is on my plate. Things like home searches, gossip and rumors, charges, news coverage and reporters, family illnesses, car accidents, and every possible government agency involved in every aspect of your life.

Looking back through the past year or so could be very depressing to some but somehow it is a picture of pride for me. Contrary to what many in my community would wish, I am still living in my home, still attending my church, still attending ALL my childrens' school functions and attending all their community based programs. I have heard that a few community members do not attend church because they don't want to see my family there, their loss, not mine. I sit at most of the functions alone, but you know what, every minute is pure joy for me because I get to enjoy watching my children excell in spite of everything that has happened to our family this past year. There is a sense of pride that these three children are maturing into kind, strong, campassionate, forgiving, and happy people who I would be honored to call my friend. I am here on my terms and will remain here until I decide it is time for me to move on, not someone else.

Does the strength come from the experience, or does the strength need to be there before? I don't have the answer. I had one opportunity to meet with a group of women in a similar situation and was amazed to learn that there so many different responses to the problems. Some are fighting back every day while others do crawl under the covers and try to hide, how we respond is a mixture of who we were before and who we are in the process of becoming. I know that I will be a different person on the other side of this and already I know I am a different person but that is a topic for another day.

What Family?

We never lived in the same communities as our families, but it was not originally by choice, it was more for economic reasons. Now I wonder if it would really matter. All we hear is "If you need anything just ask.", "If there is anything we can do, just let us know." well you know what, I am tired of listening to them make offers they have no intentions of keeping. I think they offer because they know I won't ask so they are off the hook. However, surprise to them, I have asked and everytime have been let down by them. Either they say they can't or they say they will and just never follow through. It makes us feel even more isolated than we need to.

My world is so much smaller now. The circle of friends has shrunk tremendously, not by my choice; and family seems so much further away, both physically and emotionally. What few friends remain, you hate to burden over and over again, it does not seem fair to them. The only ones who seem to remain unaffected by everything are the kids. My children's friends seem to go on as if all is normal. They still come over and eat everything that is not nailed down, joke with me about who likes whom, and beg and whine for a ride here or a lift there. It is in the lives of children that I find normalcy.

It is a reflection on society as a whole. Do we truly live in a vaccuum or does it take a village? Yes there are people who have been miracles to me and my children everyday, but at the same time many of the miracles I have experienced (and yes I do call them miracles, because anything that gives me hope that all is not lost is a miracle to me) have come from the kindness of strangers. Yes strangers, not from family, not from most friends, but people who have no idea who I am or what my story is. This gives me HOPE that there is a life out there beyond where we are now, beyond hatred, beyond fear, beyond poverty and beyond anger. It is a fleating thought for the moment but like a glimpse of a rainbow, it is seen for a moment and vanishes but leaves a feeling that remains long after the colors fade.

The Beginning Questions

We were an average family living live day by day, and then one day everything changes. Suddenly you become part of the legal system. Your days are consummed with investigators, lawyers and judges. My husband made some poor choices and now we are all paying the price. Suddenly my children and I are without a father and a husband. Is he an evil person? No just someone who made poor choices.

People that are still my friends say that they are praying for my family, does it help? I guess it does for that moment. It is in the difficult moments that I should remember all those people who say they are praying for us. But it is in the difficult moments that you seem to forget all the good and can only see the loneliness that seems so overwhelming at times that you can not catch your breath. You feel as if you are drowning, you can't breathe and no one is there to save you no matter how much you scream or struggle to climb out of the hole.

"I must remain strong for the children, but I must remember to take care of myself". Everyone has a piece of advice to offer, but does anyone tell me how to find the time to take care of myself when I am now doing the job of 2 people. Everyone offers to help, "whatever you need, anything." What I need is another income, someone else to share the family's responsibilities, family that is more supportive in actions not in words, and someone to do everything that needs to be done so I can take care of myself.