Yesterday was a hard day, it marks my 20th wedding anniversary. So many feelings to deal with that it is difficult to know how to express it all.
How do you celebrate a wedding anniversary when there is only one of you? Is is really a marker of an anniversary? Should it even be celebrated? You are still married on paper but very little in your life would look or feel like a marriage. If you asked people who have met me in the last few years about my marital status, most would probably not know how to answer that question. Many would respond that they have often wondered about that themselves. I don't advertise my situation and don't offer an explanation, but I am sure people are curious because I still wear my wedding rings.
I have a pen pal right now, not sure he could be classified as a husband. It breaks my heart to think that but he is such a small part of our lives right now that I can not help but feel that way. I got a card in the mail from him and a phone call but could he have done more? He is not allowed any money, he is not allowed to call anyone not on his approved list, so what more could he do? He could have drawn a picture, wrote a poem, copied a poem, or even wrote someone else to ask for help doing something special. Is it wrong for me to hope he would do something to mark this milestone? Twenty years is a long time and given everything I have endured on his behalf in the last few years, isn't it something that should be marked with more than a simple greeting card?
Part of the anxiety also comes from thoughts that after we get through the period of incarceration, will we have marriage that survives or will it all start to crumble? Will we both have changed too much to live under the same roof and be partners again? There is not a day that goes by that I worry about how prison is changing him. How is it affecting who he is as a person? Will he be the same person he was when he went in? I wonder if he will be more aggressive or even more withdrawn. Will he be more outgoing or more reserved? Something as simple as the language he uses and the way he talks could be changed. What does the future hold for the longevity of our marriage?
Am I changing too much to have him come home? I am even more independent than I was before. Necessity has made me the boss in our home. All the decisions are mine to make, whether right or wrong. I have learned to survive on my own. Will I be able to give up some of the responsibilities and decision making and start sharing all that again?
We have celebrated other anniversaries while he was incarcerated and with little impact, but for some reason the fact that it is our 20th seems to bother me more. It should be a time of celebration and honoring the vows that have lasted for a long time, but instead it is a quiet day that passes with no indications that it is anything special. I used to get a card from my Mom on our anniversary, but that now no longer comes either. In this day and time when marriages do not last very long, a marriage that lasts should be celebrated. Maybe our marriage has yet to prove that it has lasted and any celebrations should be postponed until a time when the marriage has reached that time. A time when it is evident that it has survived the "better or for worse, the richer and for poorer and in the sickness and in health", then it will be time to celebrate.
I hope for a day when our marriage can be celebrated as two people who stuck together, survived the worst, supported each other, changed and grew for the better, and continued to love each other and be partners until death us do part.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
A Salute to The Strongest Women in the World
Yesterday was Mother's Day and though I had hoped to have this posted for Mother's Day, the best laid plans never happen. Busy with spring time sports, birthdays, and general life activities, I don't always get everything done when I want to, but it does get done...eventually.
Today I wanted to write about all those forgotten, super women out there. They are the moms that get up every morning and begin their day by putting everyone else first. Breakfast, fixing hair, making lunches or coming up with lunch money, reminding everyone what they need to take, and making sure they all get to school on time. Then taking the time to get yourself up and ready to tackle another day. For me, that means seeing how many loads of laundry I can get done before I finally pull out of the yard and head of to work. (Work...the place where they actually pay me for what I do, not to be confused with home, where I work all the time with no compensation.)
Off to work, thinking about all the things that need to get done or accomplished during the day. Trying to fit as many things in during the day as possible. How many different messages do you get during the day reminding you that they need something or need to be somewhere? That might mean running to the store during lunch to pick up a few things that someone mentioned they needed just this morning or planning on trying to stop somewhere on your way home. But wait, you are not going home tonight. There are at least two games that you would like to go watch but can only really be at one. The game closest to home wins. If you are lucky you get home in time to eat something, notice I did not say dinner. Sometimes it is just a sandwich, leftovers or just a bowl of cereal. Homework, sign all the paperwork to go back tomorrow, clean up the kitchen (how can a kitchen that is not used get so messy?) and then it is already time to get ready for bed. Now is when you reflect on the day and I try to share all the events with the one person who is not here and would be the one person who would be here to help.
That is a typical day, but that does not include getting more laundry done, mowing the lawn, weeding the gardens, keeping things looking acceptable, grocery shopping, and all the other endless things that a mother is responsible for when dad is incarcerated. It is such a thankless job because children do not have any concept of gratitude. You are their mother and you fix everything so it is the most natural thing for them to just assume that you can and will do everything they ask. They have no idea what it takes some days to do all that they ask. But you are the Mom and somehow you find the strength and just get it done. I am told that someday they will appreciate all I have done for them during these most difficult time but in the mean time I will admit that a "Thank you" would be nice once in a while without having to remind someone to say it. A child does not realize that there is a world outside their own scope of vision so they do not see all that we are feeling and experiencing. They do not understand the sacrifices that we make every day just so that they can continue living and being as they always have or at least how they think they should.
It is all those special women who hold their families together, be both a mother and a father, fight to keep their families connected, strive to keep their children on the right path, stand up in the face of public scrutiny, face judgment from other people but do what needs to be done, make their lives appear normal to an outsider and find the strength every day to get up and do it all over again that make me proud to be a part of that class.
Only someone who has worn those shoes can fully understand what it is like to be the wife of an inmate and have to keep going alone so it is all those women that I salute. Being a mother is hard enough without all the extra things that come with this package, but they are the strongest, kindest, and most loyal people I know and I would love to count any one of them as my friend.
Today I wanted to write about all those forgotten, super women out there. They are the moms that get up every morning and begin their day by putting everyone else first. Breakfast, fixing hair, making lunches or coming up with lunch money, reminding everyone what they need to take, and making sure they all get to school on time. Then taking the time to get yourself up and ready to tackle another day. For me, that means seeing how many loads of laundry I can get done before I finally pull out of the yard and head of to work. (Work...the place where they actually pay me for what I do, not to be confused with home, where I work all the time with no compensation.)
Off to work, thinking about all the things that need to get done or accomplished during the day. Trying to fit as many things in during the day as possible. How many different messages do you get during the day reminding you that they need something or need to be somewhere? That might mean running to the store during lunch to pick up a few things that someone mentioned they needed just this morning or planning on trying to stop somewhere on your way home. But wait, you are not going home tonight. There are at least two games that you would like to go watch but can only really be at one. The game closest to home wins. If you are lucky you get home in time to eat something, notice I did not say dinner. Sometimes it is just a sandwich, leftovers or just a bowl of cereal. Homework, sign all the paperwork to go back tomorrow, clean up the kitchen (how can a kitchen that is not used get so messy?) and then it is already time to get ready for bed. Now is when you reflect on the day and I try to share all the events with the one person who is not here and would be the one person who would be here to help.
That is a typical day, but that does not include getting more laundry done, mowing the lawn, weeding the gardens, keeping things looking acceptable, grocery shopping, and all the other endless things that a mother is responsible for when dad is incarcerated. It is such a thankless job because children do not have any concept of gratitude. You are their mother and you fix everything so it is the most natural thing for them to just assume that you can and will do everything they ask. They have no idea what it takes some days to do all that they ask. But you are the Mom and somehow you find the strength and just get it done. I am told that someday they will appreciate all I have done for them during these most difficult time but in the mean time I will admit that a "Thank you" would be nice once in a while without having to remind someone to say it. A child does not realize that there is a world outside their own scope of vision so they do not see all that we are feeling and experiencing. They do not understand the sacrifices that we make every day just so that they can continue living and being as they always have or at least how they think they should.
It is all those special women who hold their families together, be both a mother and a father, fight to keep their families connected, strive to keep their children on the right path, stand up in the face of public scrutiny, face judgment from other people but do what needs to be done, make their lives appear normal to an outsider and find the strength every day to get up and do it all over again that make me proud to be a part of that class.
Only someone who has worn those shoes can fully understand what it is like to be the wife of an inmate and have to keep going alone so it is all those women that I salute. Being a mother is hard enough without all the extra things that come with this package, but they are the strongest, kindest, and most loyal people I know and I would love to count any one of them as my friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
