Questions Unanswered

My life is hectic. I am now the sole authority and repsonsible parent in the raising of three children. Life continues for us in a new way. We are developing what we call our "new normal". Things are not perfect but we seem to have fallen into a routine. I get up everyday before anyone else is moving, spend about 45 minutes for myself which includes shower time, then begin waking up everyone else based on the schedule for the day. It is off to work or school and then pick ups and drop offs according to afterschool and weekend activities. Somewhere in there I find the time to do laundry, make and eat dinner, sometimes clean up dishes and fix or repair something around the house and then before you know it, it is bed time.

Crawl into bed, but now this is the time I write to my husband telling him about all the mundane stuff that I did that day, you know "fixed the light in the garage", "repaired the broken screen". I just try to keep him connected to what we are doing in our everyday lives. Some would look at my life and schedule and wonder when I have time for anything else, yet I have so much time to think, hope, worry and wonder about the future.

What will life be like when he comes home? Will we want him to come home? My oldest will be away at college, will he want a relationship with his father? Will I be angry with him? Can I learn to love the different man he will be? Will he be a better man? How do you explain to people where your husband is? and how do you explain where he has been when he suddenly comes home?

Will he ever be the man that we can all look at and be proud of again? This question seems to haunt me. I will get by and come out of this a strong and independent women, but then I have to welcome home someone whose decisions and choices destroyed our home. This man comes home with a tarnished record and a potential handicap to any opportunity for gainful employment. He comes back to us with nothing, no job, no money, no additional skills only further infringement in our lives by the legal system. He comes with more interviews, more visits, more inspections, more restrictions on our otherwise normal lives. Are we going to be ready to have that in our lives. Better yet, will he be ready to rise to the challenge and meet it head on to get past those handicaps and become someone who has a tremendous amount to offer all of us? Will he become someone that we are all proud to have a part of our lives? Someone that we can respect and start to rebuild what has been lost?

I see him changing already, but he is in an environment and surroundings that make it easier to change. Say what you will about prison life, but they are sheltered there. There are no temptations, no pressures and nothing to encourage bad behavior. What happens when they are thrown back out into the real world with everyday stress, the influence of family and friends, and the reality that now they have to make their way in the world? Only time will tell...but I spend too much time now wondering what the future holds.