With all the uncertainty in my life there is one thing I can surely count on...that my life and/or my emotional state of mind is a roller coaster. One minute things are going OK and I am laughing with friends, co-workers, or my children and in the blink of an eye, my world is being turned up side down and I am a blubbering pile of mush.
A regular day at work turns into a frustrating day of fighting with the cell phone company because they shut off your service again and now they get to charge you $36 extra next month to turn it back on when you only got the shut off notice the day before. "oh, you need to make an arrangement before we shut the phone off, otherwise there is nothing we can do". Never mind that it is the only phone I have to keep in contact with out of town family members (no long distance on the home phone...too expensive) and it is the only way, as a single parent, I can keep track of where all the kids are. Now with an additional $36 on next month's bill I am already behind and I haven't even got that one in the mail yet.
It is a relief to know that my husband has finally been placed in his permanent location, I know where he is and that he is safe. Then through bits and pieces of phone conversations (we can talk more often now that I sent him some money and the phone system is actually better) and letters he starts describing his days and surroundings. There are no locks on the doors, the food isn't too bad and some of the guys can cook some good stuff in their rooms. There are softball fields, walking tracks, basketball courts and pin pong. He has a sunburn because it is 80 degrees and sunny where he is and he has been asked to join the softball team.
WAIT A MINUTE, so you tell me, who, in this wonderful legal system, is the one being punished? Yeah, he can't walk out the door and come home, but he gets 3 square meals a day, a job and the opportunity to read and relax all day long. So on one hand, I am grateful that the conditions are so much better than before, but yet angry at the same time because I am the one struggling, going without, dealing with the cold, rain and some snow and worried how I am going to buy groceries next week. And get this, because they moved him so far away I can not even visit him and get my own sunburn.
It is an emotional roller coaster of joy and sadness, contentment and frustration, peace and anger, and laughter and tears. When will it all end? STOP THE RIDE...I WANT TO GET OFF!!
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I feel like I keep saying this over and over, but this is exactly how I feel. I feel like I am the one being punished and I didn't do anything wrong. I would love to have time to read, workout, and play games. I'm not saying that it is a bowl of cherries. But...
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