Death vs Incarceration

Some have said that the grief that goes with incarceration is second only to death. I would argue that point any day. Yes, the grief associated with losing a loved one is tremendous, but depending on the circumstances could be seen as a blessing. When someone we love dies the world stops for a time, you are surrounded by loved ones, people offer their condolences, friends are there to lean on and everyone allows for the grieving process for all those involved. You must face the world without the loved one, but you have memories and other loved ones to see you through. In my family, one of the first things we all do is get together and celebrate life; our lives, the life of our family member and the joy that can be found in sharing memories and stories. Your boss allows time off from work, family and friends offer help in the form of meals, household help and general support. The loneliness is always there but experience tells you that the loved one has moved on and they will never be physically present in your life. You can be angry at them for leaving but you know it is not their fault.

My experience show that when your family member is sent to prison no one is waiting at home for you with a hot meal. Friends have mostly disappeared, the stigma of the sentencing rubs off on the family so all those that used to be there are gone. Extended family has buried their heads in the sand and is not interested in being seen, so all those people that would have normally been there are no where to be seen. You are left to deal with this loss alone.

Now, how do you deal with the loss? The person is gone, but not forever. They are not there to talk to, not there to watch the kids grow, and not there to share in the everyday activities of life just as if they were deceased. But yet they are still somewhere out there. Life moves on for everyone, but one day that person will someday come home. How do you move on with your life without the loved one being part of it and yet still keep that person alive in your heart and soul knowing that there will come a day when the lost loved one comes home. Do you become so good at getting through life without the loved one that they no longer seem alive, just a distant memory? Then when they come home, have they been raised from the dead so to speak.

Are you angry at them for the loss? After all it really was their fault. When do you stop being angry? It solves nothing but there are daily reminders of what is happening to your family. If you dwell on the anger, life would just seem to dismal. You would miss the small moments of joy that are out there every day. Too much to contemplate, worry about, or wonder. Again no answers can be found, only time will tell. I have to spend all my energy getting through one day at a time that I don't have time to second guess myself, only hope that my choices today pay off in the future.