Two months down. One of the hardest things that we are facing as a family is trying to stay connected. My husband is currently part of the Federal Prison system and is still considered "in transit". He has not reached a permanent home as far as the BOP is concerned, yet he is being housed 250 miles from us at a "temporary" facility. His bunk mate has been at the temporary location for 7 months now. We don't know when or where he will be moved, so we have not been able to make any accommodations for better communication. Right now he calls home 1 night a week. It's a collect call that costs me $10 for 15 minutes. With up to 4 people wanting to talk to him, that doesn't leave much time for each person. We can not make other phone arrangements right now because he could be moved tomorrow. He has had his medical clearance to move, but so has his bunk mate, 3 times.
I write him everyday, usually at night to fill him in on all the boring day to day stuff. Then mail them out almost daily, although the weekend ones I hold because they do not get Saturday delivery. My youngest has dyslexia so writing letters is not his favorite thing to do, and I sometimes have to help him because he "doesn't know what to write". My daughter is a tween and as much as she misses her father, finds that life can get pretty busy with all her friends and activities. My oldest is still struggling with the anger and regardless of the badgering writes only when he wants to and that is only when it fits into his busy teenagers lifestyle.
I can not fault the kids, life needs to go on for them, their activities, their friends, and school. I understand that they are an innocent party in all of this mess and I am asking them to do more than a normal child should have to do, but I am afraid that life will get to comfortable without Dad and he will simply fade into the background. I am making the effort to keep connected and feel that I may be "moving on" so how could I not expect the kids to do the same.
The distance, costs, and procedures for a visit make it impossible at this point. I am not sure if I could handle a prison visit let alone the children. There are no easy answers for this one. I make sure we talk about Dad, and anyone who wants to talk to him when he calls is given that opportunity. I encourage cards and letters and whatever else we can think to send like, programs from school activities, a monthly calendar of our schedule and even a simple drawing. What else can I do at this point? I am not sure, only time will tell if what I am doing is enough.
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I have also been looking for a support group for spouses of inmates. With a million people incarcerated in the US you would think there would be more help for the people left behind. I have read your blog and it was like reading a book about my emotions and many of the same problems I am facing. The "isolation" is the worst as you mentioned. I live in a small community and I feel invisible. I try to rationalize it by thinking that they just don't know what to say or think I will start crying. I try to comparmentalize my emotions and look forward. My mother use to have a saying that I absolutely disliked but it rings true today--Tomorrow is another day and perhaps the sun will shine.
ReplyDeleteBe brave and strong and keep on blogging!
BEA
I've looked for a support group as well. My spouse and I have known each other since we were 11 years old. So 33 years. We really have only been "together" for 2 years. He is in prison for domestic violence. He stabbed me in the leg. I have long since forgiven him. He has only been in prison for 4 months. He should be there another 8 months. Its the hardest thing on earth to handle. Even though the inmates go through horrible times, we that love them go throught just as much, just a different type. Financial, emotional. Me and my 4 year old child have been homeless since this has happened. Their are times I just don't know how I can possibly wait. Its so hard just making it day to day. I do break down quite often. I don't think anything can prevent you from breaking down while your going through all this. Unless you have actually experienced this kind of situation you just don't know. Heck we don't even know and we are in the situation. But I love him with every breath, I am just praying I have the strength to hold everything together. I wish someone could come up with a solution to make it hurt less.
DeleteHi! My name is Joel and I’m a documentarian working on a project about women who are in a relationship with men who are incarcerated. Specifically, women who are engaged to these men. I would love to speak with you about the project to see if you would be interested in telling your story or if you could put me in contact with women who would. Please feel free to email me and we can take the conversation from there! Hope to hear from you soon. You can email us at nicolew@sharpentertainment.com
DeleteHey Joel. My name is Toni. My guy had been in fed for almost 28 yrs flat. My email is txmazed63@outlook.com. email me. Look forward to hearing from u.
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ReplyDeleteTHIS IS MY FIRST TIME BEING WITH OUT MY HUSBAND HE HAS BEEN INCARCERATED FOR 15 MONTHS AND HAS JUSTS RECENTLY FININSHED HIS COURT PROCEEDINGS. WE DO NOT HAVE ANY KIDS TOGETHER BUT HE HAS A TEENAGE DAUGHTER THAT WE BOTH WORRY ABOUT. I TRY TO STAY CONNECTED TO HER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. I WORK TWO JOBS IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN IN THIS ECONOMY. HE KNOWS HOW MUCH HE IS MISSED AND I TRY TO SEE HIM WHEN EVER I CAN. I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HUG AND KISS HIM AFTER 15 MONTHS AND THAT WAS THE MOST CHERISHED MOMENT THE 2 OF US HAVE EVER SHARED AND THAT EVEN TOPS OUR WEDDING DAY. MY ADVICE TO YOU ALL IS TO STAY POSITIVE PRAY HARD AND GOD WILL GET YOU THROUGH THIS. I TRY TO KEEP HIM INCLUDED IN MY DAY TO DAY LIFE INSTEAD OF ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HIM NOT BEING THERE. IT IS IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO KNOW YOUR DECISIONS ARE STILL JOINT EVEN IF HE IS NOT PHYSICALLY THERE.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how long the spouse is in there, It's always hard. Mine is in a prison for 5 months total. It's been 2, since went in. I know that it seems like a walk in the park to those who already commented, but I've never been in trouble, and this is very hard for me, and my spouse has medical problems. We both pray everyday to God.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the story of my life. My husband is in prison for 9 yrs. This whole situation took me by surprise. I think that is the worst. My husband calls me every morning and we do a devotional. I write him on regular bases. He is over 100 miles away so visiting is limited. Even though he is in a state prison he gets moved around a lot. It’s something I don’t understand. It's not easy having two kids to raise that are entering the teen years. The most important time of their lives. They talk with their father every Sunday. The oldest (14), who is a boy has the hardest time. His biological father abandoned us and his step-father is his real father. So of course he feels abandoned again. I am in this relationship for the long haul. It is not easy and I agree with what others have wrote. There should be some kind of support group for us spouses. This is not an easy road to travel. We pray all the time for an early release. You just have to keep the faith, shed a few tears and lean on God. Nothing is impossible with him. That is what keeps me going daily.
ReplyDeleteMy story sounds a lot like yours. My husband has just been sentenced to 8 yrs and we too have 2 kids together. They're saying he will probably do 85% but 6 1/2 yrs is the same as 8 to me they both seem like forever. Our two boys, ages 14 and 5 miss him terribly and are not sleeping well at night. He just went in this month and we're trying to adjust. I pray often and I trust that God will get us through this but I am looking for other women who can relate to the loneliness and pain that I am experiencing
DeleteI wish that I could say time would go quickly and it will all work out. That's what everyone kept telling me and I did not believe them and it offered little comfort. Being on the other side however, and looking back, we did make it through. It was not easy but as the end got near it did not seem as long. I know other families who face 5, 7, 8 and even 10 year sentences and they all find a way through. Staying together is the harder thing and reuniting won't be easy either but if you believe in each other it is worth it. Reach out any time via the blog or e-mail and I will try to help out in any way or at least be an ear to listen.
DeleteAfter reading everything all of you wrote I feel a little better about my situation. I am engaged to a man who has spent most of his adult life inside of a prison. We met just two days after he got released. Now because of something stupid we are facing him having to serve out the rest of his time which is four years. Right now he is in a work release center but that is getting ready to change really soon. I am not sure whether he will end up doing his time in jail or in prison and I hope to god that he doesn't get the full 4 years. I feel like I am losing my soul mate but I never let him see or hear me cry about it even though I cry myself to sleep every night. I have never been in trouble and all this is very new to me. My fiance tells me all the time how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. But I know he worries that I wont stick this out with him. I tell him that when someone finds the one person in the whole world who is there other half and the love of their life that even distance and all of these problems can keep us apart. I have been looking for a support group for two months now and haven't found anything. But reading what all of you wrote and writing something myself helped me so thank you.
ReplyDeleteI knew my husband almost 20 years before he was incarcerated so I can say he is worth going through all this for. I am sure you know in your heart if this guy is worth waiting for too. It won't be easy but hang in there. There are days when I wonder if it is all worth it and then I get a letter or a phone call and I know that it is.
ReplyDeletehello! MY NMAE IS MANNY i am 39 years old and my girlfriend is 35 now ..she is in victorxille in california she got 2 years federal...and her name is christine..i met her 2 years ago she is my best friend and i miss her alot..more then words could say..i dont have alot of friends and NO family and i keep to myself alot to be honest. she realy is my best friend she has 3 amazing kids that are from another person i could only wish were mine. but i miss her alot and i can oly hope she comes home soon..but im lonely and i wish i had some one to talk to about all this i have never gone threw this before..and thats why i'm writing this..so ya...a group would be awsome..thamks for leting me rambel..
ReplyDeleteHi I am melissa and I just want to say thatI will stand by my husband for as long as I have to because he is my best friend and I do love and miss him with all my heart. Times do get rough but you just got to keep your head up and look to a brighter tomorrow. Cant wait til the day my baby comes home we have been together 10 years and he has been down for 8 of those years and we are still going strong I Love You Baba
ReplyDeleteMy name is Nordene, my story sounds similiar to yours. My husband has been locked up for almost 6yrs. We got married three months before he got sent to jail. I have been getting anxious lately cause my daughter is graduating in June. I need something to keep me busy. I think it has been easy some what cause i havent worried about anything except ur daughter. I love him & miss him everday.
DeleteHello all! I have known my fianc since I was 15 we started dating 2 years ago (he was on probation). Now due to a silly matter which rightfully could have been avoided he has to serve the remainder of his probation sentence. He will be gone for a minumum of 15 mths and a maximum of 18. I love this man and so does my family it has been a little over 2 weeks that he has been gone but I'm already feeling overwhelmed. There are a lot of external factors that have tried to challenge us but I'm strong and I know he needs me to be. I hope to post again and only this time with a report of him coming home! I'm hanging in there because if I give up maybe he will too.
ReplyDeleteHi Everyone! My fiance is serving 25 to life. I have known him over two years and we have been together for almost a year. I met him through his mother who was my boss. I think it is easier for me because I have never known any other way with him but, it is still hard. I was living 90 miles away and have recently moved to where he is. I am blessed that we can talk all day every day that I do not work. I am allowed to visit him three times a month as well. I just want to encourage any woman in this situation, to try to make it as normal as possible. He is still the head of our household and makes all the decisions. I run the bills by him, and all the purchases I intend to make. Just because he is incarcerated he still gets all the respect from me he deserves. I love him and would do anything in the world for him. It's not easy. It gets lonely and people take the littlest things for granted. But, when I look in his eyes, I know it will all be worth it someday. My advice, try not to focus on the hard things, concentrate on the things that brought you two together in the first place, and pray. GOD will get you through.
ReplyDeleteHello Everyone! I share very similar feelings with many of you. I love my fiance who is serving a 25 year sentence. I have children and I also have my own business to run. I visit him every Sunday and sometimes Saturday and Sunday. We talk on the phone every Wednesday and many times when it's time for him to leave on Sunday it's too short so I have to hear his voice. My situation is that my business is very demanding and I sometimes I just want time for myself. My fiance sometimes wants to control everything I do. How do you fit yourself into the equation when you're living for everybody else?
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew the answer so if anyone else out there has figured it out, Please share with the rest of us.
DeleteIm a mother of two small children and have been with my husband for almost 7 years. he only has a 90 day sentence but from day one we have alwsys been together. im falling apart though im trying to stay strong for my kids. they miss him so much and its so hard to explain. i know 90 days sounds easy to some on here but it seems like forever to me. This is the first time hes been in jail and idk anything about it i get to see him once a week and talk as much as we want but im on a buget and its 7.00 for 15 mins. hes only been in for 3 days and i can barely get out of bed how do i get through this people say they are here for me but i think they are just nosey. please help me.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon this looking for answers, but I think it's an amazing idea that someone should start a support group. i know that just reading what everyone has here is helping me. The man I've known for six years and have been dating for one year is facing doing 3 years at a Fed prison for a white collar crime...fell into a bad situation kind of thing. I'm honestly awake right now (3a) because I don't know what to do. He's pushing me away and wants me to "let him go". I don't want to. But, yet, I do want kids and a family and at almost 39, 3 years will make a difference in that. So, I go between "i am going to stick this out because he's worth it" to "I should move on because I'm worth looking for what I want".
ReplyDeleteI'd be willing to start an online support group. Not sure how to go about doing it, though. Anyone out there want to help me?!?!
There were a variety of online support groups out there. I found a number of them and created a sign-on but I was disappointed with the 2 dimensionality of "talking" with people via the internet. I posted comments or replies and never felt like I got my issued addressed. People hide behind a computer screen, which is fine for some. I like the person connection I get with a direct e-mail, a phone call or a face to face meeting. Too many spouses and/or partners are ashamed of themselves and want to hide so there is a market for the online support. Plus distance between people sometimes makes it difficult to get together in person. Do a thorough online search and you might find some other sites out there that would fill the need you are looking for. Good Luck.
DeleteMy husband and I have been married four years it was one year to date that he was locked up over something that happened two years before I met him. I was in shock how could this be? It has been three years sense he has been on the inside. One minute he is great the next he is angry hurting yelling and screaming. I am doing all that I can do to maintaine. Where are the support groups to encourage and support one another...It aint easy...
ReplyDeleteToo many partners and spouses are ashamed and hide from the world. If more people were willing to come out from behind closed doors the world would discover that there is a large population of families out there with a family member incarcerated. With 2.3 million people currently in some type of prison in the US that leaves more than 5 million people just as parents of these inmates. That does not include partners and/or spouses and children. That is a large number of people all in the same situation, looking for help but afraid to come out publicly. "Publicly" might only mean reaching out to find those support groups or be willing to sit in a room with other family members. Our family members can not speak for themselves so we need to speak for them and find support for ourselves.
DeleteHi Everyone,
ReplyDeleteI am an undergraduate psychology student in the UK and I am conducting research on the psychological well-being of prisoner’s partners for my dissertation. This research will help public awareness of the effect of imprisonment on a loved one and could also help towards providing more support for prisoner’s families.
To take part in this study you must be a female living in the UK with a male partner/spouse/husband/boyfriend in prison. The questionnaire should take roughly 15 minutes to complete. Your participation is voluntary and completely confidential and you are able to withdraw from the study at any point throughout the duration of the survey.
Thank you for your interest in this study, if you wish to participate please click the link below (or copy and paste the link into a new internet browser) to be directed to the questionnaire.
Link: http://dotsurvey.me/651kwre8-41avw45
Thank you :)
I hope most of u are no longer waiting.. if u are times has gone by since! I am only 21 but I have an amazing man and family and we have grown so strong together..I just went to see my fiance the first time since after sentencing today. He got transferred only 30miles away thankfully not farther. I only got 30mins with him but it was worth it. Here in my town we only had a TV screen for visits today was a glass window and it was amazing but gosh our I love yous and goodbyes killed me inside and it felt like the longest 30minutw drive home! I love that man tho and we talk one to two times per day I tell him he's spoiled the other guys get jealous most of the time especially cause he received a letters or two every single day. I'm not sure how to handle everything I have a 3year old plus 4month old and I've been at the edge with my emotions :( but I will remain strong and keep holding on!!
ReplyDeleteHi my fiance has been down 10 yrs serving a 20.yr sentence .. i met him from my guy best friend they are brothers.i met him 14 yrs ago but actually been together a yr. I had, moved to new Mexico but i came back to florida to see him. I was so nervous because i haven't seen him since he was out here. But i have fallin so much in love with him in these past 2 yrs now that ive got to hug and kiss and spend time with him i have fell so much more in love with him ..its crazy how he shows me that he loves me and never turns his back on me like my ex use to im glad i picked my best friends brother ! i will be here waiting for him these next 7 yrs just like ive been ...
ReplyDeletehi my wife is in jail it tears me apart she got 13 months my hell has just began it been since august 2013 she got sentenced last week we been married recently together 9 months for something she did before i meet her but marriage is for ever i love her i feel im being punished god help me
ReplyDeleteMy husband is currently incarcerated until March 2015. I'm 3 months pregnant. He is my best friend, my everything :/ Being apart from him and him not being here for ultrasounds and appointments kills me, so I can't imagine how he feels. I just need some support. His family hasnt and wont help him let alone put money on his books. Anyone that knows what I'm going thru that can contact me, would greatly be appreciated. My email is becky.fitzsimmons@ymail.com
ReplyDeleteI dont know what you are going theu with being pregnant but I know the pain of being alone in supporting your spouse. All I can say is love him amd support him emotionally, write him as much as possible and send money when there is extra. I know its hard to gdt jobs in prisons and it takes alot of work, effort, and patience but he has got to find a job to help get money for the necessities. I know as soon as my fiance got his job a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders because it helped both of us financially and I knew he had just that little bid mor security over him. Things will get easier lil mama! Just hang in there and you are welcome to email me at any time : michellerobinson16@yahoo.com god bless and rub that baby belly for me ;)
DeleteI feel like a baby, being only 19. I met my finance 9 moths ago. We got engaged 5 months again. When you meet your Seoul mate you just know. He got taken in for being accused of something and was threatened with 15 years if we fought it. He got lucky and got off with 3 years probation or 3 years jail time of he breaks the probation. This morning he had his in house check in and stjlk had his decorative swords so they took him in. First appearance tomorrow. Its hard because we went through this once the first time, and praised God he got the probation so we could keep our lives going. Now for something stupid he might be taken away from me for 3 years. I'm afraid to tell my family because they all didn't really support me the first time he was in and thought I should leave him. They didn't understand why I'd still stay with him, being that I'm so young and that "there are more fish in the sea." But I'm telling you I will stand by his side through all this, I just don't know if emotionally I can handle him being locked up. I had moved into his old apartment with him and his roommates, and we were planning to get our own place next month. Now that could all fall apart and I'd have to figure out what I'm going to do. Been having emotional break downs all day. I know this is a lot but seems like everyone else just judges and doesn't realize what I'm going through and support me. We went through enough break ups with "friends" the first time through this, don't need it again. I'm only 19, why must I feel this pain??
ReplyDeleteBeing inly 21 and having my fiance in federal prison and still serving a MINIMUM of 3 more years Nd being down.for 7 already I know all about being young and being with someone who is in prison. I can say the day today livong gets esier but its the little things that stir up memories that make the pain hirt that much worse. Its a very hard job being a spose of someone who is incarcerated. It takes alot of love, prayers, and loyalty to get you thru. But there are still soooo many more beautiful memories to make. Dont let the world tear you down about devoting yourlife to an "obvious deadbeat" and love with everything you have. There will always be days you question is it all worth it but once you get 3, 6, 9 months in and yall are still going strong and your love is stronger and more pure than ever then thats when you know you got the right one!! Hang in there baby girl!!! Its gonna take alot of love and patience to hold him down but he needs you just as much of not a whole lot me than you need him and that same pain you got, hes got to... much love and prayers and you can email me any time : michellerobinson16@yahoo.com
DeleteWhen we got married he was already in prison for 5 years now he have 5 more left but the first year has been hard. Working taking of a child. Paying 4500 for a lawyer that now I'm starting to feel some type of way he is licensed for a fact . this whole year has been hell. I accepted this cuz I love him and I was fine to see h on the weekend. I been fighting for my husband with correction to transfery husband because a officer hit him they tooke through hell but I got it done but look here they send him to a worse place the fasley accuse me ny husband on are phone conversation. So they tooke his wife off visitation indefinitely then they turn around and suspend his visit for his whole family for 6 months
ReplyDeleteThen they say he have couple Dr's them they had him in medical for fews days they tell me he okay but I didn't believe then I got a call my husband beat up by officers no proof. He has been in confinementore then I seem him 3 times out of a year. I feel hurt. Everything that I accepted has been taking from me
Me and my fiance have been together for 8 years. He is unfortuately in jail on a failure to appear charge on driving on suspended. He has not been in front of the judge yet so i dont know how much time he might be doing if any. I pray that the judge takes it easy and gives him probation rather then jail time. I know he could do 6 months to a year. I sure miss him alot. It is hard for me to sleep at night cause i am use to him laying next to me. The only thing that helps is holding a stuffed bear that he gave me. If someone has any advice you can email me at morgan.semtlm8279@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI guess it's weird for me to come to this page. I know that this page is for spouses, however, my fiancé is currently incarcerated. If he does not get Parole, he will have to be there until Novermber of next year. He has been in there since March 15th this year. It's been an up and down ride (emotionally) so far. However, I find myself starting to feel more down lately. Maybe the reality of the situation was very delayed for me? Or maybe I have become more in need of physical intimacy, affection, etc. I miss those things so much, and the hunger for them has started to become much stronger. Also, to top it off, we are a gay male couple. For a lack of a better description, my fiancé is very straight for a gay male. You would not know that he is attracted to men unless you were told. With that being said, I worry about him while he is there, but everything with that has been fine so far. Overall, I wish more than anything that he could be back home. I miss him so much! The world isn't the same without him here with me physically everyday. Waking up beside him, seeing his smile, feeling his touch, watching him sleep, etc. These are all amazing things, and I want them back. Nonetheless, I guess I am here to see how others who are experiencing this separation are handling it?
ReplyDeleteThose are the same feelings that everyone goes through. The loneliness is what always seemed to be the worst feeling. You could be surrounded by people and still feel like the loneliest person in the world. I think because not only are you without the most important person in your life but the reasons you are not together further aggravate those feelings. It seems that so few people really understand that type of separation. All I can suggest it to keep on living everyday. Think of it as your job in this difficult time. You need to hold things together outside the fence until he comes home. I had my kids to get up for everyday, I had to go through the motions some days of working and general living even though I did not feel like it. In the end however it did make the time pass quickly (5 years for us) and now everyone is home, safe and slowly rebuilding and living. Good luck.
DeleteHello ladies. My husband has been away since 6.16.16. And now will not return home until 2019. It's hard being without him. But there is a support group for all who has Facebook for prison wives/girlfriends/fiances/etc. And we are looking to grow, and show support to all women who need and want support from women going through the same thing. The group is called ��Our Kings Behind Bars��. If you are interested please feel free to join. Also please pass the word around. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHello Phenx,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Bosten, and I know how you feel. My husband is currently incarcerated and will be until 2019. It's a hard time for us out here as it is for them in there. But I just wanted to put it out there that if you have a Facebook, and are looking for a support group. I had created a support group for all who has a loved one incarcerated. It's called 👑Our Kings Behind Bars🕡. Please check it out. It's a wonderful group.