Strength Within

When this journey began people were always saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I know they were trying to offer words of encouragement at a time when no words seemed to fit but "ENOUGH ALREADY". God is not going to give me more than I can handle, well what are my choices? Push my way through it or curl up, forget my 3 wonderful children and hope the whole thing will go away? I have always been a strong, independent person but even I am having a hard time dealing with everything that is on my plate. Things like home searches, gossip and rumors, charges, news coverage and reporters, family illnesses, car accidents, and every possible government agency involved in every aspect of your life.

Looking back through the past year or so could be very depressing to some but somehow it is a picture of pride for me. Contrary to what many in my community would wish, I am still living in my home, still attending my church, still attending ALL my childrens' school functions and attending all their community based programs. I have heard that a few community members do not attend church because they don't want to see my family there, their loss, not mine. I sit at most of the functions alone, but you know what, every minute is pure joy for me because I get to enjoy watching my children excell in spite of everything that has happened to our family this past year. There is a sense of pride that these three children are maturing into kind, strong, campassionate, forgiving, and happy people who I would be honored to call my friend. I am here on my terms and will remain here until I decide it is time for me to move on, not someone else.

Does the strength come from the experience, or does the strength need to be there before? I don't have the answer. I had one opportunity to meet with a group of women in a similar situation and was amazed to learn that there so many different responses to the problems. Some are fighting back every day while others do crawl under the covers and try to hide, how we respond is a mixture of who we were before and who we are in the process of becoming. I know that I will be a different person on the other side of this and already I know I am a different person but that is a topic for another day.