Who was I? Who am I becoming?

As I experience how other people treat me, I wonder to myself "Was I like that before?". Did I relish in gossiping about others? Was I the person who reached out to someone new, or did I view newcomers as trespassers? Did I add to the frenzie by passing on stories that I heard? Did I turn away from someone simply based on the stories I heard, not really knowing the "truth"? Was I the type of person who did not know what to say, so I opted to say nothing, even though I wanted to reach out somehow? Evaluating my past, I can say yes and no the all the questions to varing degrees. Was I the worst person, no, but I wasn't the best either.

As a newwcomer to a small town many years ago, we never truly felt like we fit in. It took many years to build friendships because it was the kind of town where a majority of the community was born there, will die there and their children will do the same. Strangers were not unwelcome they were just not embraced. I have been told by other "transplants" to the community that I always made them feel welcome even though they have since moved on to other places.

People can be lumped into three groups; those that harbor ill feelings, those that are still my friends, and those that don't know what to say, so they say nothing. I am not sure which is worse, those with bad feelings or those who say nothing, but at least I know where I stand with the angery people. I wonder about those who say nothing. I can't tell how to respond to them so after not wanting to subject myself to more hate, I say nothing. So there is the awkward feeling always in the room. I know the thought is that I think I am better than all of them, that's why I don't speak, but it is fear of further rejection. All they have to do is smile or say hello and that feeling falls away and friendly conversations are rekindled. But unfortunately, I have reached out too many times in the last year only to have my hand slapped like a child reaching into the cookie jar. It doesn't take long to learn that you should stop reaching.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I don't reach out, I have just learned to find different cookie jars and as for the question "Who am I becoming?", that is still a work in progress and I think it is headed in a positive direction. I already see differences in how I treat other people. I make a point to discourage my children from sharing or spreading any gossip. I try to treat all strangers as if they were my next best friend (because who knows, they might be) for I have learned that it is a perfect stranger who can turn a bad day into something good.