Reasons to Never Give Up...Education is Power!

We have quietly been following all the restrictions that have been imposed on my family since my husband's release.  He left our home and is living else where and we make sure that we follow all the rules to the letter.  That does not mean that we have given up fighting for what we think is right.  We have graciously agreed and adhered to all the rules that the justice system has imposed but we have also kept fighting for what we believe is injustice. 

During my husband's sex offender designation hearing process, we came armed with more information than most.  We were actually passing case law onto our attorney.  We shared as much legal paperwork with him to support the lowest designation as possible and in the end all the hard work paid off.  We successfully argued with the over rides that the state was claiming were reasons that he should be a higher risk.  We had supporters write letters on his behalf, in support of his character and his risk to others.  We walked away from that hearing, feeling like we had finally won a battle and ready to face the next one.

My husband was required to leave our home in August and we have been trying to live as a family under two different roofs.  He is currently not even allowed to visit our home.  We have been making phone call after phone call to try to get clarification on whether it is even in the probation officers power to force him to move with no success.  We would get referred to another phone number, another agency or another attorney.  No one seemed able to help for a variety of reasons.  Either, we lived in the wrong county, we did not have any money to pay anyone, or they could only help with state offenses, not federal.  We did not give up.

Because I am connected with other families going through the same thing, we share stories and experiences, I decided to send one more e-mail.  Wahoo!!!! Success!!! We had our first phone call with an attorney who can actually help us.  Now we are not sure that this is a fight we even want to take on, but at least we now have an attorney who can tell us if it is a fight we could even win.  The attorney is currently fighting a similar case and will get back to us shortly as to what he recommends.  We have even proposed some compromises where my husband would still not live in our home but at least be allowed to visit.  Not sure how this will play out but I feel like we accomplished so much by finally getting to talk to someone who could possibly help us.

There is room to fight for what is right within the system.  Following the rules pays off, we have approval for an overnight visit to some out of town family for the holidays and are looking forward to seeing family.    Communicating with others and sharing stories can change lives in ways you would never understand, if it was not for this one e-mail I received, I might not have ever sent the last one.  It is our responsibility to educate each other, because the justice system moves with the assumption that many people do not understand how it works.  Education is Power and we all need to share what we know to beat the stereotypes and public misconceptions. 

My Life Could Never Be a Hollywood Movie

Hollywood script writers could not even come close to writing a movie with all the ups and downs in my life.  This could probably be said for most of us, but some days it seems truer than others.  None of us have lives that fit so nicely into the Hollywood movie formula of "the conflict, the solution and everyone lives happily ever after". With every up, there is a down.  Some days there are more downs than up or visa versa, but it is my life and with that I choose to celebrate the ups and learn from the downs. 

To continue my story, my husband finally found a job.  Right now he is still working through the placement agency but we are hopeful that the company will sign him on permanently.  There have already been a few additional pay checks, but it will take a while to get everything caught up.  He is not making a ton of money, barely minimum wage, but it is more than nothing and it is a start.  He is currently working a second shift, which is great for him and all his requirements.  He still has his mornings to get all his necessary things done without it affecting a work day.  It also leaves him available to run the kids back and forth for all their outside appointments.  However, it is not great for family time, especially when he lives in another house.  Unless they have appointments the kids do not see him, except on weekends.  I might see him a couple mornings during the week if I have the time to stop on my way to work.  The upside for me is that he is not home during the weekday evenings so I am not compelled to leave our house to spend time with him.  I have returned to my routine of laundry, groceries and household chores when I have the energy.  I am however, driven to get as much of the household stuff done during the week, so my weekends are not so full.  This allows us to spend time on the weekends while other things to not get neglected. 

With the addition of a job, we needed a second vehicle to allow us to all get back and forth.  We actually had to go buy another vehicle.  Purchased with a car payment...yuck!  I have loved not having a car payment so so long that I hate the idea of making monthly payments.  Learning to live so frugally, I am hoping that we can pay it off early.  The upside is, it is a nice family size car, my daughter likes to drive it and everyone seems to approve of the purchase. 

My husband then received the recommendation from the state for his sex offender designation, without going into great detail, they recommended him a level 2.  There are three levels in our state, one being the lowest and least risk, up to a three.  This did not make sense to us and it seemed that everything we had been told to do early on was coming back to bite us after the fact.  It has been a battle for two months, requiring planning and preparation, but yesterday we won.  The judge saw past all the legalese and used common sense and assigned him a level one rating.  (No designation would have been the preferred outcome but our system is so screwed up that it would have taken a miracle of biblical proportions for that to happen,)  Level one is the absolute best we could have hoped for and means that he can have some sort of normal life.  So the outlook today is a good one.

Shortly after my husband came home and was still living with us, he and my daughter went out and picked out a new kitten.  Simon was a wonderful addition to our home and seemed to fit in just fine.  He was doing well, but I noticed he was no longer playing with his toys and seemed to just enjoying laying with someone.  But he must have been sick, one day I noticed that he had not moved from my floor from the night before, I knew something was wrong, and of course it was a Sunday.  We had made plans for my husband to take him to the vet first things Monday morning, but at 2:30am Monday, I knew he was not going to make it.  I had already buried one beloved pet by myself, I could not do it again.  I could not have the kids wake up in the morning and see Simon, so I called my husband and he took Simon to his home.  He sat with Simon until he passed away a short time later.  I did not tell the kids until later Monday after school.  They knew it did not look good but were content to go to school Monday thinking he was going to the vet.  What did this mean?  The first thing we had done as a family when my husband came home and now he was gone.  Simon was a symbol of us moving on and he himself was only with us for three months.  I still am unsure of how to understand his short time with us but we have all begun to heal and move on. 

My daughter is back in counseling, she is having a hard time dealing with all that having Dad back in her life brings.  Having him under our roof meant going there were restrictions on them as well.  Restrictions with friends, computers and a constant reminder of the changes in our lives.  She is fearful of loosing the quality time that her and I have spent over the years with her softball.  She is looking at her life and seeing that it is changing yet again.  Right now she sees all the negative changes, I think with time and help she will begin to see the positives as well.  She won't loose all the things that she loves, her and I will still be able to spend many long car rides alone and as that reality sets in, things will be good.  The irony in this is she had been worried about what to tell people when they asked about her dad, I had the opportunity to introduce my husband to her softball coach and explain where he had been for the last few years, and his response was completely unexpected.  He told us that his own father had been incarcerated for 3 years when he was a boy.  Who knew!

We never know the stories of all the people around us.  So many of us have so many sides, that to assume everyone is perfect, is to put yourself at a disadvantage and set yourself up for disappointment.  I like meeting people who are flawed like me and imperfect.  I think they are so much more interesting than those people that maintain a facade of perfection.  The stories you can share and conversation you can have are great opportunities for growth and understanding.  If Hollywood tried to make a movie of my life, it would go on forever and never really seem to find that happily ever after ending, but I admit that sometime I sit back with a snack and laugh at the chaos of it all.  

What Everyone Should Know

Walking Through the Narrow Door

Many people may think I am crazy or do not understand why I choose to stay with my husband.  Certainly it would have been much easier to separate myself and my children from him and move on with our lives.  What kind of example would I be setting for my family?  If you do something wrong, it is acceptable for others to turn your back?  And truthfully, if I thought for one minute that my husband was a danger to anyone I would have left a long time ago.  But he is anything but dangerous, he is kind and giving to a fault and if you asked, he would give you the shirt off his back.

It is in my journey to understand this "flaw" in his character that lead me to a greater understanding of those charged with these types of crimes.  For many it is a natural progression from the legal pornography, for some it is a curiosity and  yet others simply stumbled upon it with a download or opening a pop up message.  A vast majority of these offenders are not dangerous and will never be yet they are lumped with heinous offenders and treated the same.  Here is the injustice of our time.  My husband served his punishment inside the fence but now is facing a very ugly world outside the fence.

I can not imagine him having to go through this all on his own.  It is hard enough for the two of us, but to think of the offenders who come out and must navigate this maze of restrictions and  requirements all on their own scares me.  It is in fear, stress and uncertainty that a newly released offender will re offend sending them right back behind bars.  It is with love, support and good treatment that many find success in the long run and return to normal lives. 

He made one bad choice in the twenty plus years we have been together, albeit a big bad choice, but one that should not completely cancel out all the good that he has done.  The greatest gift we can give another is to forgive, yet for many it is the hardest.  I see him working hard to be the father, husband and provider he once was while now trying to juggle all that the justice system asks of him.  He feels he is a burden on an already tenuous household financially and is trying to becoming a father again to children he is not allowed to live with simply because of the location of our house.  It is not easy and probably will not be for many more years, but I believe he is worth it.  I believe our family is worth it.  I believe that he has so much to offer this world in the future that I want to be there to see it all happen.

So to those who question why I stay...I am working my way toward that narrow door.  I am taking the road less traveled because it is considered politically incorrect.  I am standing up for him and for our family by standing beside him.

Luke 13:22-30

New International Version (NIV)

The Narrow Door

²² Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as he made his way to Jerusalem. ²³ Someone asked him, “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?”
He said to them, ²⁴ “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. ²⁵ Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’
“But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’
²⁶ “Then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.’
²⁷ “But he will reply, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!’
²⁸ “There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. ²⁹ People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God. ³⁰ Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last.”

The Truth of It All

I have never fully indicated what my husband's charges were because I did not want this blog to be a place to debate right or wrong.  I wanted it to be a place where spouses could go to know that they were not alone in what they were going through.  The problems and hurdles do not change regardless of the crime that is committed.  Many spouses recognized their own story in my entries while reading between the lines and have reached out to me in many ways to express their support and understanding of our situation.  We form a tight circle of wives, mothers and fathers continuing to support our loved ones regardless of what the outside world thinks of them.

To begin the story in a very simple way, we have learned that my husband has a addictive personality.  It is by the grace of God that he did not fall into a trap of alcohol or drug addictions.  It would have been very easy for him to become an alcoholic at a very early age within the environment that he was raised, and thankfully drugs were never a big part of his life.  The problem began for him with the discovery of pornography. 

Like any other addict, he could go for long periods of time and never want to look at it, but then when things in the world got too hard, and stress started taking over, the desire to view those pictures grew.  When we were younger, it was not so easy to view those pictures.  You had to go out and buy the magazines in the plain brown wrapper.  Then along came the internet, suddenly there are thousands of pictures at your finger tips and they are free.  It is so much easier looking at 2 dimensional pictures than dealing with a nagging wife, in depth conversations, household pressures, job stress, and over commitments with your time.  It becomes an escape when life got too hard.  The real problem arises when they are looking at all those legal pornography photos, and someone sticks in those borderline photos.  Suddenly this is something new, more interesting, and more exciting.  There is nothing wrong with it, it must be OK or it would not be out there, right?  The internet is regulated so nothing illegal is on it, right? 

Well that is all wrong.  Law enforcement knows these websites are out there.  They monitor most of them.  They caught my husband when "he was on a site known to traffic in illegal photos".  (If they know it, why don't they shut it down).  Ultimately, my husband plead to one count of possession of underage pornography, and was sentenced in the federal system to five years in federal prison.  They only found 15 "questionable" photos on his computer. 

I know my husband, he would never harm anyone, especially a child, but now he comes out of 5 years in federal prison and is labeled a sex offender.  I am not saying what he did was right, he did do something illegal, but did the punishment fit the crime.  Since all this has started, I have met men who have had hands on crimes and never spent a day in jail because they were convicted in the state system.  He spent 5 years away from his family and his children and now his punishment continues outside of the fence. 

What has been asked of my family just seems too much at times.  So much more has happened since he has been home.  He has been forced to leave our home after being there a month, he has been welcomed back by some wonderful people and has continued to hit a brick wall in trying to find work and in dealing with the federal justice system.  I feel pulled in too many directions, it is like the rubber band that keeps getting stretched until it just snaps.  I am waiting for the SNAP, but I manage to get up every day and keep going. 

Don't judge my family to harshly, for what I have learned in my last five years questioning the system is that we are all just one click away from these same charges.  They are on everyone's computer if you download anything from the internet or share files.  We all know someone who looked once, maybe just to see what it was or maybe it was an accident, but it does not matter in the eyes of the law.  You are guilty, and if you are found guilty they will continue to punish you for what they think you might do.  If you own a gun, you are not punished because you might murder someone.  If you watch murder mysteries and see murder victims you will not go out and kill someone so why do lawmakers think it is OK to punish one particular group they consider "sub-human" for what they might do?  And why does the public think this is acceptable?  If you believe it is acceptable today, I guarantee that your thinking will change when it happens to someone close to you.  Whether it be your son for sex with his girlfriend, your daughter for sexting, or your brother for file sharing, it will touch your lives because it is not getting better.  Law enforcement is going after everyone equally regardless of age or the situation.  

I will share more about all the challenges we are facing, because I know there are so many families going through the same thing.  It is affecting everyone's lives.  And if you think it does not affect you, think twice, as a tax payer you are footing the bill to have all these no risk offenders be monitored, counseled, and on public assistance while the high risk offenders are out there not being watched because 95% of all offenses against children are by people that they know. 

Only time will tell how this all plays out, but more battles lay ahead.  I will wallow for a moment but I will keep pushing forward. 

Today's simple thought!

“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”
― Mother Teresa

The Release

I have been arguing with myself over how much of this story I wanted to share.  It was such an emotional experience, that part of me wants to keep it all to myself and yet part of me feels that it needs to be shared so others can know what to expect.  As I sit here now I am not even sure how much I will end up sharing, so let the story continue.

The ten hour drive was thankfully uneventful.  I listened to my book and enjoyed the quiet ride trying not to think about what lay ahead of me at the end of this trip.  My husband had told me that his phone and email privileges would be shut off early that day so I would have no means of communication if there were any problems so it is understandable that I jumped out of my skin when my phone rang indicating a call from his number.  It turns out, it was the phone contract company that serviced his special phone number.  With all the extra calls in the last few weeks, I had gone over my extra minutes.  How convenient, I got to tell them that I would no longer need their services.  One step closer...

I arrived in town just as it started to get dark, due to a storm moving in.  It was the same hotel that we always stayed in when visiting him, so it was nice to have a familiar place.  I checked in, headed to the grocery store for dinner and snacks and then after eating headed to the fitness room.  Spent an hour on the treadmill to work off all the energy and anxiety.  While on the treadmill, the rain started down pouring, and with the skylights in the fitness center, I felt like I was in the middle of it all.  (Especially when there was a leak in the glass seam and I was getting dripped on). 

Trying to get to get everything done before bed, seemed like I would not have enough time for everything.  But I was not even sure that I would be able to fall asleep at all.  I did sleep, badly, but I was able to get some sleep anyway.  Up before six and getting in the shower to get to the prison by 7:30am.  I did not want to be late and have to make him wait any minute longer than necessary behind that fence. 

I drove over to the prison one last time on a beautiful, sunny, Friday morning.  I was the only car in the visitors lot and my stomach was so full of butterflies I probably could have flown there on my own energy.  Around 7:45am I picked up the visitors phone like I was told to do and called to say that I was here to pick up my husband and that's when my stomach fell.

It was apparent that the man who answered the phone really had no idea what he was talking about, he advised me that I needed to call the phone number for the medium level facility.  I hung up, dialed the medium while I listened to it ring and go unanswered, I knew that he was wrong, so I dialed the number for the low again.  This time I got a lady, who was rather rude (not surprising if you are used to the COs in the federal system).  She told me that she could not tell me anything since she did not know who I was so I should just sit and wait for someone to call me.  So I waited.  I watched a bus come and go, and my husband had told me that they try to get the pick ups out before the bus riders, so I started to get nervous.  Leave it to the BOP to torture you up until the very last minute. 

I watched the hands on my watch tick by.  How long do I wait before I call back?  Will I annoy them and then what?  So I waited some more.  I started texting a friend who knew I was waiting to help pass the time while keeping my eye on the exit door.  I summoned up the courage and made another phone call.  This time another lady was a bit nicer and told me to wait, he was getting out.  THANK YOU.  That is all I really needed to hear.  I was afraid something had changed, and I had my phone number shut off yesterday, and no way to know that there was a problem.

So much for texting.  I just called my friend because I needed to talk to someone.  I was the only one there waiting for a release.  I had been there almost an hour at this point.  I kept my eyes glued to that front door.  Would I even recognize him when he came out?  Would they call me up to go get him?

Then I saw him!!  My breadth was gone.  My friend on the phone with me started crying, she could read so much in the sound of my voice.  Instinctively I knew not to do anything stupid or uncontrolled, so I slowly got up from my bench and waited at the sign that says "No Visitors Beyond This Point".  I hung up with my friend and waited.  He came walking out the door, escorted by a guard.  They were both talking and laughing,  I was a bowl of jelly, but I waited.  It seemed like the longest walk ever.  Suddenly the guard stopped walking and my husband keep walking toward me.  That hug was the greatest hug in the history of the world.  I did not want to let go, but I was shaking so much.  So much to say, but not here.  I wanted to get out of there and never go back.  I wanted to see that place in my rear view mirror and then erase any memories from my mind. 

It took me hours to stop shaking, and I am amazed I was able to drive, but we made it back to the hotel for him to take a real shower and clean that place off him forever before heading out into the world for the first time as a couple in over 5 years.  The next few days were awkward in many ways, but it was nice to have a few quiet days to ourselves before joining the real world and facing all the unknowns that were ahead of us

Days Leading Up To Release

It is hard to put into words all the emotions that we were all feeling leading up to the actual release date.  Everyone had thoughts and expectations that they were trying to sort through and figure out.

My daughter was concerned about how having Dad back in the house would change her life.  We have been a single parent home for a long time so the idea of having another parent in the house worried her.  Would our household dynamic change with the addition of another parent's opinion?  Would she suddenly have restrictions imposed on her that she was not used to?  Would Dad be the stricter parent and crack down on some of the things that Mom let her do?  These are important concerns for a 15-16 year old girl with a boyfriend and travel softball.  Mother and daughter have developed a very close relationship, now what happens to that when Dad is home?  She was a bit more cranky, but not so noticeable for a 16 year old girl.  Where I saw the biggest effect was on the ball field.  She takes her softball very seriously and all her effort shows but for a short window, about a week before Dad came home and a few days after, her playing suffered.  She could not focus 100% on the game, her fielding suffered and so did her hitting.  Most people just thought she was going through a slump but Mom knew there was more going on in her head about the upcoming changes.

The boys did not really seem to be concerned, except for the fact that the youngest one could not wait until Dad came home.  He really wanted to go with me to pick him up.  I am not saying that they did not have there own concerns, but it was nothing outward that I could pick up on.

As for me, I can not begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling from day to day.  It was not until about two weeks before that my husband had been called down to confirm his release and sign some papers.  Up until that point we had just been assuming the day of release.  His actual release date was a Saturday, and we had been told by others that he should expect to be out the Friday before, but no one official had confirmed that with us until then.  Even at that point, the actual time of the release had not been passed on to us.  Everything we were going on was based on prison talk which is not always very reliable.

My stomach was in knots and it was so hard to focus at work some days.  Time could not pass fast enough.  What will he look like?  How much weight had he lost?  Would I still look good to him?  What should I wear when I pick him up?  What will it be like for him outside the fence?  What will he want to do first?  What will he want to eat?  Have we both changed too much?  Thousands of questions swirling through my brain with no answers, only some reassurance from friends that all would be well.

The anticipation was far worse for my husband as everyday ticked down we were counting down the individual days.  When we got to less than 20, if seemed like it was taking so much longer.  We began measuring the days by things that were happening to him,  like his last meeting with his counselor, or his last official day of work.  Right down to the day they shut off his phone and e-mail accounts.  As it got closer he was calling once a day, sometimes twice.  He had a whole months worth of phone time to use in a few weeks.  It was nice talking to him so often but we still got cut off after 15 minutes each time.  The last time I got to talk with him was 2 days before his release, since his phone privileges would be cut off the day before his release.     

He was nervous about walking out the fence and what the world would hold for him.  I can not begin to speak for him and all the other things he was thinking.  We had so many conversations about expectations and the future, but I had other things to direct my attention, whereas it was on his mind 24/7.  But he had followed all the rules, did everything that he had been advised to do in preparation for life outside so all he could do was wait for that moment.

The morning I pulled out of my yard, suddenly my stomach hit the floor.  I started to feel sick and could barely control my emotions.  I headed off to work to pick up a few things I had forgotten the night before (understandable in my frame of mind) and as I spoke with a few of my friends there, I completely fell apart.  I don't know if it was 5 years of exhaustion kicking in, but I was a mess.  I started crying right there in the parking lot and I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me.  With a few good byes and meaningful hugs I grabbed a cup of tea and plugged in my audio book and headed out for the long drive and what lay ahead.

Family Reunited

So much has happened since my last post, that I have not had a chance to put all my thoughts down in writing.  We counted down the last month and I drove to Virginia to pick up my husband on his release date and bring him home. 

I really want to put everything down for everyone, all the anxiety and anticipation of the release, as well as the actual release experience.  The Bureau makes sure that they hold all the power until the very last possible moment.  So I think that it is necessary to try and post my thoughts in chronological order.  That will begin in the next day or so.  I did just want to update everyone and let you all know that we are one family under one roof, not without some awkwardness and noticeable silence, but times of normalcy and family like experiences again.  Times of laughter and private tears, but healing the wounds and trying to bring the family back together. 

We are now dealing with the job hunt and following the rules of federal supervision.  Again, more hurdles but they seem manageable at this point in time.  There have been "public" appearances in the neighborhood and some of the rumors that he is home have already started, doesn't take long in a small town, but so far things have been quiet. 

There is so much more to add, since this is not the end of our story.  It is just the next phase of an unusual journey.  More prayers, more healing and moving beyond our past is yet to come.

It Is So Worth It!!!

Happy belated Mother's Day out there to all the parents out there serving as both mother and father because of incarceration.  Looking back on all the entries, I questioned the enormity of the whole situation and if I could make it through, keeping everyone together and healthy.  (I mean healthy both in the physical sense as well as the mental).  Well, this past Mother's Day I had yet another sign that I have succeeded where I was scared I would fail.

It started early Saturday morning with an early knock on the front door.  (To this day, I hate opening my door to strangers who knock when I am not expecting any one.)  I went down and opened the door to an elderly gentleman holding a beautiful vase of flowers.  He handed me the flowers and wished my a Happy Mother's Day and off he went to brighten some other mother's day.  Reading the card, they were from my wonderful son who was away at college.  They were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.  I don't know if it was the colors, the arrangement, the flowers, or maybe it was just the sentiment that they came with them that brought tears to my eyes.

The florist had goofed up the message and did not even get my son's name correct, but that made them seem so much more special.  The photo shows how they looked immediately after I received them, but they are still on the table as of this morning.  They are just now reaching the end of their life, but they were beautiful and lasted such a long time.  And of course I did take some photos that I will be able to look back on for many years. 

Then Sunday morning as we were all getting ready for church, my daughter came into my room and handed me a legal size envelope with "Mom" written on it with hearts drawn on it.  As she left the room, I opened the envelope and started reading.  Immediately her words brought tears to my eyes.  It was a typed, single spaced, two page letter that proceeded to thank me for all that I have done for her and the boys over the last few years.  She called me "super mom" and said that she is glad that I am her mother.  She had many profound quotes that were very appropriate for the letter.  Here is one of my favorites...

“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”

― Washington Irving

 

Her letter said so much, and touched me deeply.  I can not read those words without a sense of accomplishment.  I succeeded at doing what I set out to do.  To keep my family strong and healthy and to help keep them on a path for lifelong success.  No room for feelings of despair and failure for now.  All I have to do is look at my photos (since I will be throwing away the blooms soon) and read that letter to know I have done the best that I could in a very difficult situation and things are turning out for the best.

 

I can do anything! 

Concerns as The Time Ticks Down

Most people would expect us all to be excited and looking forward to my husband's homecoming, and for the most part we are.  But it would be foolish to think that the upcoming reunion does not come with apprehension for all of us. 

My soon to be 16 year old daughter was only 10-11 when this all started with my husband, and even though she sees him on our yearly visits and talks with him on the phone and via email, she has a much different memory of him being home with us and being her father.  Her expectations are formed by her experiences with him as a young girl, her experiences with other male role models and friends fathers as well as the views that kids pick up watching TV.  She admitted to me the other day that she is concerned that our whole life style will change once he comes home.  She is fearful the the life that she has grown accustomed to will be changed drastically and not for her benefit.  She is worried that a whole new set of restrictions will be placed on her just because her father is coming home.  It took a long conversation, and multiple ongoing discussions to reassure her that our basic life routines will not change.  It is now up to her father to find his place in our current lifestyle and not for him to come home and dictate how things will be.  We also talked about her not being afraid to share her concerns directly with her father.  I explained that this will all be new for all of us and the best way for it to go smoothly is for all of us to keep the lines of communication open. 

It was not more than a week later when my college freshman was video chatting and he suddenly asked what was going to happen when dad comes home.  I did not understand at first but then realized that he just meant what should he expect when my husband comes home.  To be completely honest with him, I had to admit that I had no idea what was actually going to happen and how things would eventually play out.  There are just way to many unknowns and it is not like I have ever been through this same situation before.  I actually think he was reassured a bit with my own uncertainty.  I really could not give him any solid answers that he was looking for, but we did discuss different situations and how we expected to handle them. 

Not to be left out, I did take the opportunity to discuss with my youngest, the same things that I had shared with his siblings.  I reaffirmed to him that he needs to share any concerns he has directly with his father without the fear of hurting his feelings.  There is a great amount of repair and healing that needs to take place and it will only happen if everyone remains open and keeps their feelings in check.

I too have my own apprehensions but many of them are tied to how this will all effect the kids.  I can take care of myself and things will work out for me but keeping an eye out for them and making sure this goes as well as possible is the job for the adults.  I am however, truly blessed, that I have children who are able to so freely discuss with me any problems that they have.  Sometimes I have to bite my tongue and count to 20 to keep the responses rational, but we have all learned to be so much more than we used to be.  I am more open and so much more patient and I think that makes me a better mom and friend.  

Reminds me of Ketchup

Those of you who are old enough to remember the old Ketchup commercial, the theme of the commercial is anticipation.  That is what my life feels like right now.  Counting down months, weeks and now into days is always somewhere bouncing around in my brain.

I wake up in the morning and am looking forward to that day when I get to drive for 10 hours, and then wait for another day until I get to watch my husband walk out of the door and into freedom.  Then my mind starts swirling about what we will get to do next.  Shopping, lunch, and then trying to catch up with years of separation.   Going to bed at night, crossing one more day off the list and moving one day closer. 

Some days it seems like it is still so far off and other days it seems like it is right in front of us.  I am finding it hard to focus on my day to day activities without looking forward to the future.   In my head I am planning a family picnic and opportunities for extended family to get together once he is home even though it is still months out. 

I can not begin to describe all the emotions that I deal with on a daily basis.  I am excited one minute and nervous or anxious the next.  It is an up and down roller coaster with the stomach butterflies included.  So much is up in the air and we are just counting down the days.  I really hate to focus on months in the future, but once the spring sports schedule is in full swing the days will pass much more quickly.  Keeping my mind busy is the best remedy to help keeping my mind distracted and keeping it locked on the here and now.  It will make time pass much more quickly.

My direction for the next few months will be working toward a positive reunion and a happy homecoming.  Jobs, cars and income will all come secondary to working toward a harmonious reunion. 

Opening a Dialogue

With my husband's release being counted down in weeks now instead of years there is so much to think about and plan for.  We are not so naive to think that he will come home and everything will be perfect and life will go on without any more problems...we will live happily ever after.

We recently started a specific task in our letter writing.  The point was to write out some questions, concerns, expectations or issues that we were each worried about with the homecoming.  The topics could be family, spousal, marital or economic, no topic was off limits.  We had a few weeks to think about the big things that we wanted to put down on paper and then agreed to mail them out on the same day.  Doing that would avoid one of us not writing something that the other had already put on their list.  It was a way to judge where the overlap was and it would allow us to see the issues that we both had in common. 

As of now we have both received the others list, and after careful review and thought have responded to that first list.  Let me tell you that the list really got me thinking about a whole bunch of things.  In my reply, I added three more things to my original list, addressed my thoughts about some of his concerns and found myself digging deep and expressing additional concerns that I did not know I still had about our relationship.

Things have been said in these letters that have not been said or discussed in 25 years of knowing each other, which I take as a good sign, but it also makes me wonder why these things had not been talked about sooner.  Some are big things while others are seemingly small, but they are conversations that were never said out loud and some are things that have been said over and over but not heard. 

It surprised me to see some of the same things on both the lists, and then just as surprised at the different things we both had.  Many of his questioned I even addressed in my previous entry Unending List of Questions.  I should have just printed off that list and sent it to him but my list to him is in much greater detail and of a much more personal nature.   I found myself filling multiple pages and actually looking forward to the next exchange when I get his next letter continuing those topics.  To say there was raw emotion and some scabs ripped off some wounds would be an understatement, but all very necessary to have out in the open in order for our relationship to work again when he comes home.

Obviously, continued counseling when he is actually home would be ideal, but our old counselor has moved on to bigger and better things.  It would mean beginning again with someone new and starting the story from the start.  I do not know if anyone has tried to find a counselor they are comfortable with, but it is not an easy task.  We would have to find someone that we are both comfortable with which will make it much more difficult.  Looking through the phone book just does not begin to give you an idea of what you are getting when you sit down and talk with someone.  Though our situation is not unique it is certainly not common, another counselor mentioned that it was like military families reuniting after multiple tours.

This is an attempt on our part to help make the transition better, less awkward and hopefully less painful in the long run.  Thinking, putting your ideas on paper and distancing yourself sure makes arguments harder.  I am not saying there won't be hurt feelings but hopefully it will all be taken with an open heart and mind with a common goal of a united and happy family in the end. 

Unending List of Questions

Time is progressing, in a few short months I will get to make the last visit to the prison to pick up my husband.  There has been rumblings at home, an occasional comment here and there about the upcoming summer changes.  Nothing bad, just indications that we are all aware that change is again in our future.

There is a bunch of thoughts running through my head, some of which are extremely personal or just generally practical.  I am not sure I could begin to cover all of them.  The following is a list of some of the many thoughts that might race through my head at any given moment:
-How do we handle having another driver in the house and needing another car at some point?
-How much time do I take off to help do everything that will need to be done, if any at all? 
-What happens if he can't find a job relatively quickly?
-How much have the two of us changed and will we like who the other has become?
-Will all the relationships be repairable?
-Will extended family and close friends accept him once he gets home again?
-Or will we have to deal with people who do not want him around or are uncomfortable with him?
-What will it be like being part of a married couple again?
-What will it be like being alone together after so long alone and apart?
-Do we attend our community church as a family or go someplace where we are unknown?
-Will some people even recognize him?
-What do you tell the new acquaintances in our lives who do not know about him when they now meet him?
-What will it be like to have someone snore all night and keep me awake...yuck?
-How much of what happened to him will he want to talk about or will I want to hear about?
-What limitations or restrictions will we have to face?
-Should I tell myself not to expect too much too soon to avoid disappointment?
-Will his being home start the gossip mills running in the community?
-Will people in the community come out, forgive him, accept him and move beyond the past?
-Will his coming home have an adverse affect on the kids in any way?
-Can we hope for a return to normalcy sometime in the future?
-What will it be like to have an adult conversation at home?
-How will his being home affect my relationship with friends who still have loved ones behind bars?
-Will we all make it through this and stay together as a family?
-How will his being home affect my current relationship with my in-laws?
-Will our daily lives change dramatically?
-What unforeseen issues will we all have to learn to deal with?
-How long will it take before we notice that things are doing fine and back to normal?
-Will it be awkward when it is just the two of us initially?
-How will those first few days go?
-Will he be as nervous as I feel when we are together again?
-Will our marriage be better from now on, better than it was before?
-How will the kids friends behave with him being home?

This is just the tip of the iceberg of thoughts floating around at any given time in my head.   I know there are really no answers to most of these questions but I can think about them, plan for some and just pray for the others.  And of course just hope for the best.

An Emotional Whirlwind

Time seems to be moving quickly or slowly, on any given day my perception changes by the minute.  There are so many things to plan for and yet time to think about all that the remaining year holds for us all.  That is enough to set us all on edge both with the excitement that we will all be under one roof and with the anxiety that we will all be under one roof. 

When my husband began his incarceration I had gotten rid of most of his clothes.  It was something we had discussed and had agreed that I would do.  As is turns out he informed me yesterday that he has lost a total of 60 lbs since he first went in.  He is exercising, trying to eat healthy and learning portion control so none of his old clothes would have fit him anyway.  Rebuilding his wardrobe on a limited budget is now another task I have in front of me. 

Originally we had hoped that he would be in a halfway house a few months ago but that was denied, but looking at the timing now, I think that was supposed to happen.  With his actual release date, he will come home while all the kids are home for summer break.  Everyone can get reacquainted and readjusted to living in the same house without all the pressure from school and public influences.  It will be a long summer before the kids have to deal with Dad coming to some of their public events.  The kids are already worried about the whispering and commotion that his homecoming might bring.

We all have so many emotions, torn between wanting him to be home with us and being a family, and having to reopen some old wounds and deal with the "shame" that we have all left behind.  That is not to say that he could not come home without a bump in our lives, the rest of the world could leave us alone and not give us a second look.  But it is in the uncertainty of what could happen that the anxiety comes up.

Relationships need to be rebuilt, as husband and wife, as father and son, as a member of the household, as a member of the church, as a neighbor and as a person within our small community.  None of that will happen overnight and most of it will not be easy.  I am confident that it will be easier for us than some of the other things we have already endured.  It will be a true test to how much my husband has grown and changed as to how well he handles it all.  He will be facing the public for the first time, when we have all already walked those paths.  I will be there for him to lean on but that means that I will be reliving many of those same emotions from when we all sent through those same experiences.   

We talk of expectations and pray for the best.  I have seen hints of goodness and hope that is more of what the future holds than the alternative.  The future is uncertain, but that does not mean bad things, it just means that for a while we will loose this normal we have come to know only to move on and morph into yet a another period we so lovingly refer to as our "new normal". 

Weathering the Storms...Really!

Wow, this last month seem to fly by and I suddenly realized I had not posted anything at all for December.  Needless to say it has been a very busy time for us.  I spent a large amount of time on the road traveling both out of necessity and for pleasure.

I had all the typical school events for my swimmer and my basketball player as well as the special holiday events at the school.  My oldest made the long drive home from college all alone and in one day (14 hours), I think he did it just to prove to himself that he could. I had a few trips back and forth to take care of some business for my dad, which meant 6 hours in a car for me, three hours there and three back home.  But it was worth it to spend some time with him and see his face light up when I walked into his room.  We then made another trip to see him for the holidays and he was even more excited to see that the kids had come with me.  He could not stop commenting on how much the kids had grown and that he was so happy they took the time to come see him.  

We actually made the time to attend an extended family Christmas party with all my cousins.  I had not seen some of them since my mother's funeral so it was a great time and worth the awful weather that we had to drive through.  An hour drive took over two hours with no visibility. Knocked on my sister's front door for the first time in years, she was not overly thrilled to see me but it was necessary to have a conversation about my dad's care.  She was not very nice and tried to hurt me any way she could to make herself feel better but in the end I drove away feeling nothing but pity for her and the anger, bitterness and vengeance she still holds.  Then of course there was the dreaded visit to the in-laws, which, since her last hurtful comments, was very difficult to sit through let alone even make the trip.

But we managed to survive it all with much laughter and joy.  With all the kids home and under one roof (some of the time), we took the time for one family ski trip and of course drove through some nasty weather but it made for great skiing.. Time with extended family, full of fun and jokes, holiday meals and exchanging gifts all made it a wonderful holiday even with my husband absent.  We had hoped that my husband would be back in the area, but that is not how it all played out, but there is hope in the knowledge that next Christmas we will all be home, together, celebrating a real family holiday.    

All the ornaments and decorations are packed up until next year and the next set of issues needs my attention but there is nothing that can break this camels back at this point.  I am looking forward to the summer months when I will get to bring my husband home.