An Emotional Whirlwind

Time seems to be moving quickly or slowly, on any given day my perception changes by the minute.  There are so many things to plan for and yet time to think about all that the remaining year holds for us all.  That is enough to set us all on edge both with the excitement that we will all be under one roof and with the anxiety that we will all be under one roof. 

When my husband began his incarceration I had gotten rid of most of his clothes.  It was something we had discussed and had agreed that I would do.  As is turns out he informed me yesterday that he has lost a total of 60 lbs since he first went in.  He is exercising, trying to eat healthy and learning portion control so none of his old clothes would have fit him anyway.  Rebuilding his wardrobe on a limited budget is now another task I have in front of me. 

Originally we had hoped that he would be in a halfway house a few months ago but that was denied, but looking at the timing now, I think that was supposed to happen.  With his actual release date, he will come home while all the kids are home for summer break.  Everyone can get reacquainted and readjusted to living in the same house without all the pressure from school and public influences.  It will be a long summer before the kids have to deal with Dad coming to some of their public events.  The kids are already worried about the whispering and commotion that his homecoming might bring.

We all have so many emotions, torn between wanting him to be home with us and being a family, and having to reopen some old wounds and deal with the "shame" that we have all left behind.  That is not to say that he could not come home without a bump in our lives, the rest of the world could leave us alone and not give us a second look.  But it is in the uncertainty of what could happen that the anxiety comes up.

Relationships need to be rebuilt, as husband and wife, as father and son, as a member of the household, as a member of the church, as a neighbor and as a person within our small community.  None of that will happen overnight and most of it will not be easy.  I am confident that it will be easier for us than some of the other things we have already endured.  It will be a true test to how much my husband has grown and changed as to how well he handles it all.  He will be facing the public for the first time, when we have all already walked those paths.  I will be there for him to lean on but that means that I will be reliving many of those same emotions from when we all sent through those same experiences.   

We talk of expectations and pray for the best.  I have seen hints of goodness and hope that is more of what the future holds than the alternative.  The future is uncertain, but that does not mean bad things, it just means that for a while we will loose this normal we have come to know only to move on and morph into yet a another period we so lovingly refer to as our "new normal".