Many people may think I am crazy or do not understand why I choose to stay with my husband. Certainly it would have been much easier to separate myself and my children from him and move on with our lives. What kind of example would I be setting for my family? If you do something wrong, it is acceptable for others to turn your back? And truthfully, if I thought for one minute that my husband was a danger to anyone I would have left a long time ago. But he is anything but dangerous, he is kind and giving to a fault and if you asked, he would give you the shirt off his back.
It is in my journey to understand this "flaw" in his character that lead me to a greater understanding of those charged with these types of crimes. For many it is a natural progression from the legal pornography, for some it is a curiosity and yet others simply stumbled upon it with a download or opening a pop up message. A vast majority of these offenders are not dangerous and will never be yet they are lumped with heinous offenders and treated the same. Here is the injustice of our time. My husband served his punishment inside the fence but now is facing a very ugly world outside the fence.
I can not imagine him having to go through this all on his own. It is hard enough for the two of us, but to think of the offenders who come out and must navigate this maze of restrictions and requirements all on their own scares me. It is in fear, stress and uncertainty that a newly released offender will re offend sending them right back behind bars. It is with love, support and good treatment that many find success in the long run and return to normal lives.
He made one bad choice in the twenty plus years we have been together, albeit a big bad choice, but one that should not completely cancel out all the good that he has done. The greatest gift we can give another is to forgive, yet for many it is the hardest. I see him working hard to be the father, husband and provider he once was while now trying to juggle all that the justice system asks of him. He feels he is a burden on an already tenuous household financially and is trying to becoming a father again to children he is not allowed to live with simply because of the location of our house. It is not easy and probably will not be for many more years, but I believe he is worth it. I believe our family is worth it. I believe that he has so much to offer this world in the future that I want to be there to see it all happen.
So to those who question why I stay...I am working my way toward that narrow door. I am taking the road less traveled because it is considered politically incorrect. I am standing up for him and for our family by standing beside him.
It is in my journey to understand this "flaw" in his character that lead me to a greater understanding of those charged with these types of crimes. For many it is a natural progression from the legal pornography, for some it is a curiosity and yet others simply stumbled upon it with a download or opening a pop up message. A vast majority of these offenders are not dangerous and will never be yet they are lumped with heinous offenders and treated the same. Here is the injustice of our time. My husband served his punishment inside the fence but now is facing a very ugly world outside the fence.
I can not imagine him having to go through this all on his own. It is hard enough for the two of us, but to think of the offenders who come out and must navigate this maze of restrictions and requirements all on their own scares me. It is in fear, stress and uncertainty that a newly released offender will re offend sending them right back behind bars. It is with love, support and good treatment that many find success in the long run and return to normal lives.
He made one bad choice in the twenty plus years we have been together, albeit a big bad choice, but one that should not completely cancel out all the good that he has done. The greatest gift we can give another is to forgive, yet for many it is the hardest. I see him working hard to be the father, husband and provider he once was while now trying to juggle all that the justice system asks of him. He feels he is a burden on an already tenuous household financially and is trying to becoming a father again to children he is not allowed to live with simply because of the location of our house. It is not easy and probably will not be for many more years, but I believe he is worth it. I believe our family is worth it. I believe that he has so much to offer this world in the future that I want to be there to see it all happen.
So to those who question why I stay...I am working my way toward that narrow door. I am taking the road less traveled because it is considered politically incorrect. I am standing up for him and for our family by standing beside him.
Luke 13:22-30
New International Version (NIV)
The Narrow Door
22 Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as he made his way to Jerusalem. 23 Someone asked him, “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?”He said to them, 24 “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. 25 Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’
“But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’
26 “Then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.’
27 “But he will reply, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!’
28 “There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. 29 People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God. 30 Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last.”
Thank you again for your sharing of your family's story and your journey over the past few years. I can't tell you how encouraging it is for me. I am sure it was hard to share what his actual "crime" was....my husband too is away in federal prison for 5 years for the very same actions. It is so very difficult to stay positive and keep our focus on the good in life some days. Yes, my husband did what he was charged....it happened for a few days 1 year before they even came to our house to confiscate our computers etc.....He had already admitted to me that his addiction had gone too far and had sought out counseling. We were going through that and hopeful of a better future and relationship when BOOM...it was over. They took everything, even my work laptop that I had brought home that day. The ironic thing was that the pictures in question had been downloaded using a former computer that had since been replaced and been in use for the past 9 months. The old one was slow and had a bad motherboard but my husband did a lot of computer repair and kept it for a few parts. There it sat in the back ot the closet collecting dust. How badly we then wished we had trashed it when we stopped using it!!! There was the only bit of evidence that would change our lives forever.
ReplyDeleteAnother irony is that 3 men in our area were all arrested within days of the raid on our home, The difference was that ours was a federal raid and theirs were on a local level. 2 of those men were actually talking and posing as younger men to girls on the internet. They both had former arrests and charges for the very same thing!! But you know the story....due to the State laws being so very different from the Federal laws. They served less than a 1 1/2 years and are now out! While my husband who had no charges for ANYTHING every on his record, and only looked at a few pictures, never talked or contacted anyone sits in a federal prison watching the life we built together slip away.
Hearing the words of the other prisoners as you walk the halls and eat your meals.....thank God he is at a prison with high population of other sex offenders but on the other hand he doesn't want to be with sex offenders!!! Some of them scare him quite honestly! But it is what it is....complaining because "it's not fair" doesn't change the situation does it?
My situation is a llittle easier as my three children are grown adults now and aren't in the home. BUT it has torn our family in two. My one son will never ever let his stepfather see our granddaughters again. He barely has a relationship with me anymore. Friends that were close are long gone....fellow co workers and associates from his job turn their heads when they see me. But through it all God is working and that is what keeps me going! I see a lot of good happening through all the bad and that has to be the focus!!
There is much more I could share and say but just know that I am so encouraged by your bravery and your willingness to share your story! My best to you and your husband and your fight to regain your lives together!!
Dear Have Faith,
DeleteIt pains me to hear yet another story of the injustice in our legal system. First time offenders being put in federal prisons with hardened criminals when other offenders physically harm over and over and simple get probation or weekends in jail within the state system. Your are right in that it does no good to complain. I complain for a moment and then get angry. It is then that I take that anger and put it to good use. I have surrounded my self with people who want to change the system, and use my talents to help in anyway I can. Check out USAFair.org and CautionClick.com. There are so many more groups across the country that our numbers are growing.
It is painful that we all share such similar stories and yet mainstream thinking is that your husband must have done something much worse to warrant such an awful sentence. Or they don't understand it and think that they are all monsters. I refuse to accept it and openly defy their thinking. I stand with my husband in church, at the grocery store and down whatever path this life takes us.
We have been blessed by knowing so many open minded and forgiving people. This journey has been filled with blessings beyond measure and they remind me to always see the good.