Days Leading Up To Release

It is hard to put into words all the emotions that we were all feeling leading up to the actual release date.  Everyone had thoughts and expectations that they were trying to sort through and figure out.

My daughter was concerned about how having Dad back in the house would change her life.  We have been a single parent home for a long time so the idea of having another parent in the house worried her.  Would our household dynamic change with the addition of another parent's opinion?  Would she suddenly have restrictions imposed on her that she was not used to?  Would Dad be the stricter parent and crack down on some of the things that Mom let her do?  These are important concerns for a 15-16 year old girl with a boyfriend and travel softball.  Mother and daughter have developed a very close relationship, now what happens to that when Dad is home?  She was a bit more cranky, but not so noticeable for a 16 year old girl.  Where I saw the biggest effect was on the ball field.  She takes her softball very seriously and all her effort shows but for a short window, about a week before Dad came home and a few days after, her playing suffered.  She could not focus 100% on the game, her fielding suffered and so did her hitting.  Most people just thought she was going through a slump but Mom knew there was more going on in her head about the upcoming changes.

The boys did not really seem to be concerned, except for the fact that the youngest one could not wait until Dad came home.  He really wanted to go with me to pick him up.  I am not saying that they did not have there own concerns, but it was nothing outward that I could pick up on.

As for me, I can not begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling from day to day.  It was not until about two weeks before that my husband had been called down to confirm his release and sign some papers.  Up until that point we had just been assuming the day of release.  His actual release date was a Saturday, and we had been told by others that he should expect to be out the Friday before, but no one official had confirmed that with us until then.  Even at that point, the actual time of the release had not been passed on to us.  Everything we were going on was based on prison talk which is not always very reliable.

My stomach was in knots and it was so hard to focus at work some days.  Time could not pass fast enough.  What will he look like?  How much weight had he lost?  Would I still look good to him?  What should I wear when I pick him up?  What will it be like for him outside the fence?  What will he want to do first?  What will he want to eat?  Have we both changed too much?  Thousands of questions swirling through my brain with no answers, only some reassurance from friends that all would be well.

The anticipation was far worse for my husband as everyday ticked down we were counting down the individual days.  When we got to less than 20, if seemed like it was taking so much longer.  We began measuring the days by things that were happening to him,  like his last meeting with his counselor, or his last official day of work.  Right down to the day they shut off his phone and e-mail accounts.  As it got closer he was calling once a day, sometimes twice.  He had a whole months worth of phone time to use in a few weeks.  It was nice talking to him so often but we still got cut off after 15 minutes each time.  The last time I got to talk with him was 2 days before his release, since his phone privileges would be cut off the day before his release.     

He was nervous about walking out the fence and what the world would hold for him.  I can not begin to speak for him and all the other things he was thinking.  We had so many conversations about expectations and the future, but I had other things to direct my attention, whereas it was on his mind 24/7.  But he had followed all the rules, did everything that he had been advised to do in preparation for life outside so all he could do was wait for that moment.

The morning I pulled out of my yard, suddenly my stomach hit the floor.  I started to feel sick and could barely control my emotions.  I headed off to work to pick up a few things I had forgotten the night before (understandable in my frame of mind) and as I spoke with a few of my friends there, I completely fell apart.  I don't know if it was 5 years of exhaustion kicking in, but I was a mess.  I started crying right there in the parking lot and I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me.  With a few good byes and meaningful hugs I grabbed a cup of tea and plugged in my audio book and headed out for the long drive and what lay ahead.