Questions Unanswered

My life is hectic. I am now the sole authority and repsonsible parent in the raising of three children. Life continues for us in a new way. We are developing what we call our "new normal". Things are not perfect but we seem to have fallen into a routine. I get up everyday before anyone else is moving, spend about 45 minutes for myself which includes shower time, then begin waking up everyone else based on the schedule for the day. It is off to work or school and then pick ups and drop offs according to afterschool and weekend activities. Somewhere in there I find the time to do laundry, make and eat dinner, sometimes clean up dishes and fix or repair something around the house and then before you know it, it is bed time.

Crawl into bed, but now this is the time I write to my husband telling him about all the mundane stuff that I did that day, you know "fixed the light in the garage", "repaired the broken screen". I just try to keep him connected to what we are doing in our everyday lives. Some would look at my life and schedule and wonder when I have time for anything else, yet I have so much time to think, hope, worry and wonder about the future.

What will life be like when he comes home? Will we want him to come home? My oldest will be away at college, will he want a relationship with his father? Will I be angry with him? Can I learn to love the different man he will be? Will he be a better man? How do you explain to people where your husband is? and how do you explain where he has been when he suddenly comes home?

Will he ever be the man that we can all look at and be proud of again? This question seems to haunt me. I will get by and come out of this a strong and independent women, but then I have to welcome home someone whose decisions and choices destroyed our home. This man comes home with a tarnished record and a potential handicap to any opportunity for gainful employment. He comes back to us with nothing, no job, no money, no additional skills only further infringement in our lives by the legal system. He comes with more interviews, more visits, more inspections, more restrictions on our otherwise normal lives. Are we going to be ready to have that in our lives. Better yet, will he be ready to rise to the challenge and meet it head on to get past those handicaps and become someone who has a tremendous amount to offer all of us? Will he become someone that we are all proud to have a part of our lives? Someone that we can respect and start to rebuild what has been lost?

I see him changing already, but he is in an environment and surroundings that make it easier to change. Say what you will about prison life, but they are sheltered there. There are no temptations, no pressures and nothing to encourage bad behavior. What happens when they are thrown back out into the real world with everyday stress, the influence of family and friends, and the reality that now they have to make their way in the world? Only time will tell...but I spend too much time now wondering what the future holds.

I Hate Roller Coasters.

With all the uncertainty in my life there is one thing I can surely count on...that my life and/or my emotional state of mind is a roller coaster. One minute things are going OK and I am laughing with friends, co-workers, or my children and in the blink of an eye, my world is being turned up side down and I am a blubbering pile of mush.

A regular day at work turns into a frustrating day of fighting with the cell phone company because they shut off your service again and now they get to charge you $36 extra next month to turn it back on when you only got the shut off notice the day before. "oh, you need to make an arrangement before we shut the phone off, otherwise there is nothing we can do". Never mind that it is the only phone I have to keep in contact with out of town family members (no long distance on the home phone...too expensive) and it is the only way, as a single parent, I can keep track of where all the kids are. Now with an additional $36 on next month's bill I am already behind and I haven't even got that one in the mail yet.

It is a relief to know that my husband has finally been placed in his permanent location, I know where he is and that he is safe. Then through bits and pieces of phone conversations (we can talk more often now that I sent him some money and the phone system is actually better) and letters he starts describing his days and surroundings. There are no locks on the doors, the food isn't too bad and some of the guys can cook some good stuff in their rooms. There are softball fields, walking tracks, basketball courts and pin pong. He has a sunburn because it is 80 degrees and sunny where he is and he has been asked to join the softball team.

WAIT A MINUTE, so you tell me, who, in this wonderful legal system, is the one being punished? Yeah, he can't walk out the door and come home, but he gets 3 square meals a day, a job and the opportunity to read and relax all day long. So on one hand, I am grateful that the conditions are so much better than before, but yet angry at the same time because I am the one struggling, going without, dealing with the cold, rain and some snow and worried how I am going to buy groceries next week. And get this, because they moved him so far away I can not even visit him and get my own sunburn.

It is an emotional roller coaster of joy and sadness, contentment and frustration, peace and anger, and laughter and tears. When will it all end? STOP THE RIDE...I WANT TO GET OFF!!

I Have Never Walked Alone

My personal faith journey began with the guidance and modeling from my parents. When given the opportunity to choose my own path, I choose to attend a religious based college. It was in college that my faith journey began to evolve and become a personal relationship with God. My religion and philosophy classes became as important to me as my core classes.

Throughout the years since college, my faith and personal relationship with God has sustained me on a daily basis. I have continued to find ways to further explore and achieve greater understanding. I have enjoyed bible study groups, attending weekly services, individual readings, participation in church activities and discussions with both believers and non-believers.

The past year and a half however, a series of events has tested my faith and belief in God. Some people have looked at my life and asked how I find the strength to keep going. Other people in similar situations would turn away from God, believing that no grand being would cause such pain. I however, have found continued strength stemming from my faith. I see signs of God working in my life every day even in the darkest hours. These small gifts from God, call them miracles if you wish, give me the strength to keep loving and laughing. I see God in the kindness of a friend, in the actions of a stranger, in a needed hug from one of my children or a well timed phone call from family.

The path in front of me is still unclear, but I know that with prayer and God’s help, there is very little of this world that I cannot handle. I have learned that the sun always shines after the storm and laughter will always follow tears and it is in the moments of sunshine and laughter that we can know God is with us during the storm and the tears. I am a better person today than I was a year ago; I have grown in my relationship with God, as a human being, as a parent, as a daughter and as a spouse. I have been the beneficiary of pure kindness and seen Christ like people that have become models that I will strive to emulate. I can only hope that I can live up to the standards that they set in front of me and can someday be the person who touches and affects someone else so deeply and profoundly.

I am uncertain of what tomorrow will bring, whether it be tears or laughter, but I do know that with God walking with me there is nothing that we cannot get through. The lessons I have learned are part of a larger plan that I am gladly volunteering for. I will continue learning, seeking understanding and serving as the road unfolds ahead of me.

Exercising Control

Back in January of 2008, my life started to spin out of control. My life was ruled by lawyers, investigators, counselors, reporters and the legal system. I was a bi-stander in my own life. The turmoil that my family was going through was beyond my scope of experience and I did not know how to handle any of it. Everything was a new experience, and every new experience came with a new set of stress and anxiety. I was going through the motions of daily living trying to keep things normal for the kids and appearing like I had things under control, but in the process I was completely and utterly out of control. My appetite was gone, I would cook meals and barely be able to stomach a few forkfuls. I noticed my weight was dropping because I wasn't eating. What was I supposed to do? I could afford to loose a few pounds, who couldn't, but I had to eat something. I then decided to go back to what I knew.

Years ago after the birth of my first son, I had a very difficult time losing all the baby weight and in that process discovered a weight lifting/sculpting program that I could do and fit into my schedule. In a very short time I had lost all the extra weight. So in this time of stress and uncertainty I went back to my weight program. I had used it on and off through out the years but this time I totally committed myself. Every morning without fail, give or take 15 minutes, over the course of a week I have worked every body part 2 times. It was the only thing I did for myself throughout the course of the day, but I did do it.

Started running and walking on the treadmill in the evenings when time permitted. Though not fully committed to the treadmill, every little bit helped. Before I knew it, I did have people asking out of concern about my weight loss. I explained that it started out because I wasn't taking care of myself and the stress of the situation but I turned that negative into a positive. I took advantage of the sudden weight loss and exercised every day.

Here I am over a year later and still lifting my weights every day. If I miss a day because of scheduling or location I feel really guilty. I have lost over 30 pounds and have dropped over 4 sizes. I have tried the treadmill again and with the warmer weather try to add aerobic activities, but not always successfully. My appetite has returned but not to the extent that it once was. However with all the additional muscle I can burn more calories without gaining back any of the weight. My cholesterol numbers are down and my doctor is actually pleased with my weight, (when does that ever happen) so I am actually in better health.

So some things good do happen in adversity. I have improved my overall health and have become a positive role model for my kids. But most of all, in a time of chaos and uncertainty I was able to control one, albeit small part of my life for the better.

The Need to Move Forward

I have been struggling for the last few weeks in the job hunt. I know the economy is bad and that it is not a direct reflection on me, but I am beginning to realize how important it is for me to move FORWARD. I have a job, get up every morning and have a place to go but the struggle every day to pay all the bills and the everyday expenses is getting to me. I am moving every day but I am not moving FORWARD. I just feel that I am going through the motions with no destination in sight. I have $3 in my pocket right now that has to last five days until pay day and 3 kids home for Easter vacation. Talk about frugal living all you want but when your income is cut more than 60% it is a disaster.

I have been blessed in that the times when it has been the worst, believe it or not, God did provide. Someone gave me a grocery store gift card or a check for some other reason was in the mail. I had a car accident 3 days after he was put in prison. That accident turned out to be a blessing. My car was totalled (eliminating 1 car payment) and the other drivers insurance paid off my car and gave me a check for minor injuries, so I had another unexpected check. However, at this point I am tired of hoping that a check will appear in the mailbox. I want to be able to count on a paycheck to pay bills and not other people.

I want to move beyond the community that I am currently in. I want to be able to walk into the grocery store and not wonder who I may run into. I don't like living my life that way and for the most part have not stopped living, but I need to move beyond all of that now. My children would like to be someplace where their lives have not been reported about in the paper and not everyone thinks they know what goes on in your house. I would like to attend a school activity and have people not speak to me because they don't know me, not because they are mad at my husband.

My husband can never come home to this community, so moving somewhere else is probably in our future and I am ready for the future to begin now. I want to start rebuilding our lives and moving beyond all the sorrow, grief and hatred. I am ready now...is anyone out there listening...I am waiting.

Death vs Incarceration

Some have said that the grief that goes with incarceration is second only to death. I would argue that point any day. Yes, the grief associated with losing a loved one is tremendous, but depending on the circumstances could be seen as a blessing. When someone we love dies the world stops for a time, you are surrounded by loved ones, people offer their condolences, friends are there to lean on and everyone allows for the grieving process for all those involved. You must face the world without the loved one, but you have memories and other loved ones to see you through. In my family, one of the first things we all do is get together and celebrate life; our lives, the life of our family member and the joy that can be found in sharing memories and stories. Your boss allows time off from work, family and friends offer help in the form of meals, household help and general support. The loneliness is always there but experience tells you that the loved one has moved on and they will never be physically present in your life. You can be angry at them for leaving but you know it is not their fault.

My experience show that when your family member is sent to prison no one is waiting at home for you with a hot meal. Friends have mostly disappeared, the stigma of the sentencing rubs off on the family so all those that used to be there are gone. Extended family has buried their heads in the sand and is not interested in being seen, so all those people that would have normally been there are no where to be seen. You are left to deal with this loss alone.

Now, how do you deal with the loss? The person is gone, but not forever. They are not there to talk to, not there to watch the kids grow, and not there to share in the everyday activities of life just as if they were deceased. But yet they are still somewhere out there. Life moves on for everyone, but one day that person will someday come home. How do you move on with your life without the loved one being part of it and yet still keep that person alive in your heart and soul knowing that there will come a day when the lost loved one comes home. Do you become so good at getting through life without the loved one that they no longer seem alive, just a distant memory? Then when they come home, have they been raised from the dead so to speak.

Are you angry at them for the loss? After all it really was their fault. When do you stop being angry? It solves nothing but there are daily reminders of what is happening to your family. If you dwell on the anger, life would just seem to dismal. You would miss the small moments of joy that are out there every day. Too much to contemplate, worry about, or wonder. Again no answers can be found, only time will tell. I have to spend all my energy getting through one day at a time that I don't have time to second guess myself, only hope that my choices today pay off in the future.