Days Leading Up To Release

It is hard to put into words all the emotions that we were all feeling leading up to the actual release date.  Everyone had thoughts and expectations that they were trying to sort through and figure out.

My daughter was concerned about how having Dad back in the house would change her life.  We have been a single parent home for a long time so the idea of having another parent in the house worried her.  Would our household dynamic change with the addition of another parent's opinion?  Would she suddenly have restrictions imposed on her that she was not used to?  Would Dad be the stricter parent and crack down on some of the things that Mom let her do?  These are important concerns for a 15-16 year old girl with a boyfriend and travel softball.  Mother and daughter have developed a very close relationship, now what happens to that when Dad is home?  She was a bit more cranky, but not so noticeable for a 16 year old girl.  Where I saw the biggest effect was on the ball field.  She takes her softball very seriously and all her effort shows but for a short window, about a week before Dad came home and a few days after, her playing suffered.  She could not focus 100% on the game, her fielding suffered and so did her hitting.  Most people just thought she was going through a slump but Mom knew there was more going on in her head about the upcoming changes.

The boys did not really seem to be concerned, except for the fact that the youngest one could not wait until Dad came home.  He really wanted to go with me to pick him up.  I am not saying that they did not have there own concerns, but it was nothing outward that I could pick up on.

As for me, I can not begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling from day to day.  It was not until about two weeks before that my husband had been called down to confirm his release and sign some papers.  Up until that point we had just been assuming the day of release.  His actual release date was a Saturday, and we had been told by others that he should expect to be out the Friday before, but no one official had confirmed that with us until then.  Even at that point, the actual time of the release had not been passed on to us.  Everything we were going on was based on prison talk which is not always very reliable.

My stomach was in knots and it was so hard to focus at work some days.  Time could not pass fast enough.  What will he look like?  How much weight had he lost?  Would I still look good to him?  What should I wear when I pick him up?  What will it be like for him outside the fence?  What will he want to do first?  What will he want to eat?  Have we both changed too much?  Thousands of questions swirling through my brain with no answers, only some reassurance from friends that all would be well.

The anticipation was far worse for my husband as everyday ticked down we were counting down the individual days.  When we got to less than 20, if seemed like it was taking so much longer.  We began measuring the days by things that were happening to him,  like his last meeting with his counselor, or his last official day of work.  Right down to the day they shut off his phone and e-mail accounts.  As it got closer he was calling once a day, sometimes twice.  He had a whole months worth of phone time to use in a few weeks.  It was nice talking to him so often but we still got cut off after 15 minutes each time.  The last time I got to talk with him was 2 days before his release, since his phone privileges would be cut off the day before his release.     

He was nervous about walking out the fence and what the world would hold for him.  I can not begin to speak for him and all the other things he was thinking.  We had so many conversations about expectations and the future, but I had other things to direct my attention, whereas it was on his mind 24/7.  But he had followed all the rules, did everything that he had been advised to do in preparation for life outside so all he could do was wait for that moment.

The morning I pulled out of my yard, suddenly my stomach hit the floor.  I started to feel sick and could barely control my emotions.  I headed off to work to pick up a few things I had forgotten the night before (understandable in my frame of mind) and as I spoke with a few of my friends there, I completely fell apart.  I don't know if it was 5 years of exhaustion kicking in, but I was a mess.  I started crying right there in the parking lot and I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me.  With a few good byes and meaningful hugs I grabbed a cup of tea and plugged in my audio book and headed out for the long drive and what lay ahead.

Family Reunited

So much has happened since my last post, that I have not had a chance to put all my thoughts down in writing.  We counted down the last month and I drove to Virginia to pick up my husband on his release date and bring him home. 

I really want to put everything down for everyone, all the anxiety and anticipation of the release, as well as the actual release experience.  The Bureau makes sure that they hold all the power until the very last possible moment.  So I think that it is necessary to try and post my thoughts in chronological order.  That will begin in the next day or so.  I did just want to update everyone and let you all know that we are one family under one roof, not without some awkwardness and noticeable silence, but times of normalcy and family like experiences again.  Times of laughter and private tears, but healing the wounds and trying to bring the family back together. 

We are now dealing with the job hunt and following the rules of federal supervision.  Again, more hurdles but they seem manageable at this point in time.  There have been "public" appearances in the neighborhood and some of the rumors that he is home have already started, doesn't take long in a small town, but so far things have been quiet. 

There is so much more to add, since this is not the end of our story.  It is just the next phase of an unusual journey.  More prayers, more healing and moving beyond our past is yet to come.

It Is So Worth It!!!

Happy belated Mother's Day out there to all the parents out there serving as both mother and father because of incarceration.  Looking back on all the entries, I questioned the enormity of the whole situation and if I could make it through, keeping everyone together and healthy.  (I mean healthy both in the physical sense as well as the mental).  Well, this past Mother's Day I had yet another sign that I have succeeded where I was scared I would fail.

It started early Saturday morning with an early knock on the front door.  (To this day, I hate opening my door to strangers who knock when I am not expecting any one.)  I went down and opened the door to an elderly gentleman holding a beautiful vase of flowers.  He handed me the flowers and wished my a Happy Mother's Day and off he went to brighten some other mother's day.  Reading the card, they were from my wonderful son who was away at college.  They were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.  I don't know if it was the colors, the arrangement, the flowers, or maybe it was just the sentiment that they came with them that brought tears to my eyes.

The florist had goofed up the message and did not even get my son's name correct, but that made them seem so much more special.  The photo shows how they looked immediately after I received them, but they are still on the table as of this morning.  They are just now reaching the end of their life, but they were beautiful and lasted such a long time.  And of course I did take some photos that I will be able to look back on for many years. 

Then Sunday morning as we were all getting ready for church, my daughter came into my room and handed me a legal size envelope with "Mom" written on it with hearts drawn on it.  As she left the room, I opened the envelope and started reading.  Immediately her words brought tears to my eyes.  It was a typed, single spaced, two page letter that proceeded to thank me for all that I have done for her and the boys over the last few years.  She called me "super mom" and said that she is glad that I am her mother.  She had many profound quotes that were very appropriate for the letter.  Here is one of my favorites...

“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”

― Washington Irving

 

Her letter said so much, and touched me deeply.  I can not read those words without a sense of accomplishment.  I succeeded at doing what I set out to do.  To keep my family strong and healthy and to help keep them on a path for lifelong success.  No room for feelings of despair and failure for now.  All I have to do is look at my photos (since I will be throwing away the blooms soon) and read that letter to know I have done the best that I could in a very difficult situation and things are turning out for the best.

 

I can do anything! 

Concerns as The Time Ticks Down

Most people would expect us all to be excited and looking forward to my husband's homecoming, and for the most part we are.  But it would be foolish to think that the upcoming reunion does not come with apprehension for all of us. 

My soon to be 16 year old daughter was only 10-11 when this all started with my husband, and even though she sees him on our yearly visits and talks with him on the phone and via email, she has a much different memory of him being home with us and being her father.  Her expectations are formed by her experiences with him as a young girl, her experiences with other male role models and friends fathers as well as the views that kids pick up watching TV.  She admitted to me the other day that she is concerned that our whole life style will change once he comes home.  She is fearful the the life that she has grown accustomed to will be changed drastically and not for her benefit.  She is worried that a whole new set of restrictions will be placed on her just because her father is coming home.  It took a long conversation, and multiple ongoing discussions to reassure her that our basic life routines will not change.  It is now up to her father to find his place in our current lifestyle and not for him to come home and dictate how things will be.  We also talked about her not being afraid to share her concerns directly with her father.  I explained that this will all be new for all of us and the best way for it to go smoothly is for all of us to keep the lines of communication open. 

It was not more than a week later when my college freshman was video chatting and he suddenly asked what was going to happen when dad comes home.  I did not understand at first but then realized that he just meant what should he expect when my husband comes home.  To be completely honest with him, I had to admit that I had no idea what was actually going to happen and how things would eventually play out.  There are just way to many unknowns and it is not like I have ever been through this same situation before.  I actually think he was reassured a bit with my own uncertainty.  I really could not give him any solid answers that he was looking for, but we did discuss different situations and how we expected to handle them. 

Not to be left out, I did take the opportunity to discuss with my youngest, the same things that I had shared with his siblings.  I reaffirmed to him that he needs to share any concerns he has directly with his father without the fear of hurting his feelings.  There is a great amount of repair and healing that needs to take place and it will only happen if everyone remains open and keeps their feelings in check.

I too have my own apprehensions but many of them are tied to how this will all effect the kids.  I can take care of myself and things will work out for me but keeping an eye out for them and making sure this goes as well as possible is the job for the adults.  I am however, truly blessed, that I have children who are able to so freely discuss with me any problems that they have.  Sometimes I have to bite my tongue and count to 20 to keep the responses rational, but we have all learned to be so much more than we used to be.  I am more open and so much more patient and I think that makes me a better mom and friend.