After all that has happened, I am a firm believer that people are put in our lives for a reason. I don't care what argument you would have against such a belief, or if you would try to argue that everything is a big random ball of coincidence. I am not buying.
I started writing this blog because I could not find the support, or people in my shoes who were willing to share with me their stories. I wanted to talk to people who might be able to guide me along this path but was not finding them out there. I quickly learned that people in my shoes are afraid. They live in fear of being found out, or being associated with someone society looks down upon. They are also fearful for the safety of their loved one. Retaliation is a daily fear for many whose names are published on a public list of offenders. So many people choose to stay quiet and not speak out. They are quiet about their experiences and quiet about fighting the injustices of this system.
I read once that we are put through our experiences to learn from them so we could help others through those same experiences. I like the way that idea sounded. We have family that we learn from. Older siblings that teach use what to do and what not to do. Our friends show us experiences we might not have had without them. We model our parenting from how we ourselves were parented. So if I could not find those to help me, then I could at least help those behind me.
Over the years, with every entry and as days pass, I still find myself amazed and surprised by the timing of your comments. I have written about the joys and the sorrows that we have all been through and the difficulties that the system imposes upon us needlessly. I, too have good days and bad days. Days when I have lost hope and days when the future looks bright. But it is in the timing of the comments that reinforces to me that we are all there for each other. Just when I am going through I bad time, thinking things will not get any better, I get a new comment from someone thanking me for what I write. Someone new who is just starting the process, who has no idea what lies ahead or how they will handle it. Suddenly I am uplifted. Things are not as bad as I thought and maybe not a bleak. Both the positivity of the comments and the reminder that I have made it this far remind me that we all have so much to be thankful for everyday.
So I wanted to take the time to say thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read and comment. Many of the comments I have tried to respond to and many of you that have e-mailed me as well. Know that your comments are read not only by me but by others who value what you have to say and may just be the light of my day just when I need it the most. You are my inspiration...THANK YOU.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Our Lives Are Blessed By Those Around Us
I have learned so many lessons in my journey through life. Some of the most important and hardest to learn were within the last few years. Looking back, I can see how hardship and trials have made me a better and stronger person. But one of the most interesting things I have learned was about the people that we come in contact with on our journey, and whether good or bad, they shape who we become.
I can go all the way back to the girls who bullied me in middle school, they made my life miserable and I hated to go to school. One girl in particular was just down right mean. I would be fearful of just walking into a class room that I knew she was going to be in. As we moved on into high school it did become less of an issue as she spent less and less time at the school and I now have many fond memories of high school. Here is the irony, I would not be the person I am today without my middle school bully. I had finally had enough of her and decided that I was going to stop being afraid of what the other kids thought and put my energy into becoming who I wanted to be. It was during that time that I forced myself to be good at public speaking. I worked hard on speaking loudly and clearly, and not looking nervous. I raised my hand in class and shared my ideas. I came out of my shell and started living my life. I eventually spoke in front of the whole school and in my senior year won a radio speech contest. I don't know if I would have done that without living through middle school. I can not say however, that I would openly embrace my bully if I saw her today, I have even heard that she regrets her behavior back them. It is still a difficult time to remember and I would never relive it, but it played an important part of who I have become.
We all have family that we can point to who have had an impact on who we have become. I prefer to smile and be happy because I never saw my grandmother smile and always wondered if she was ever happy while my grandfather never stopped smiling. I choose to forgive and move on after watching the debilitating effects that keeping the anger inside has had on my sister. My cousins have taught me how to embrace the differences in all of us while knowing that we all have so much in common.
Friends have had a lasting impact as well, both the good and the bad. We have all had the bad experience that teaches us to not be so trusting and then the good experiences that teach us to put ourselves out in the world and we will be rewarded. We learn from our mistakes and successes and end up with a great circle of friends on which we can rely on. It seems that certain people come in and out of our lives when we need them the most. Some briefly, while others last a long time.
A friend who came into my life shortly after my husband was incarcerated, and was part of my support group recently fell ill. It is only within the last month that he found himself sick, and now has not been given much more time. He is a leader within our group, a friend with so much knowledge to share and a very good man. He is a minister by trade but I think he would have found a way to serve his fellowman if he had not heard his religious calling. Even now he is an inspiration in the way he is handling his prognosis, the humor that he shares with us is a sign of how strong his faith is. My one regret is that my husband did not get a chance to meet him. I think they would have got along well and my husband would have benefited from all that my friend could offer. His strength and fight is unceasing, and I can only hope to pick up were he has left off and continue to carry the torch forward.
With that said, embrace those who are around you. Love them for who they are and what they bring out in you. Be aware that there may not be a tomorrow so make the most of every day. Look at the people in our trials and in our joys, those we have known our whole lives and those who have recently come to us as well as those who teach us how to be good and those that teach us how not to be, for they are all just as important. We are truly blessed by those who lives touch ours.
I can go all the way back to the girls who bullied me in middle school, they made my life miserable and I hated to go to school. One girl in particular was just down right mean. I would be fearful of just walking into a class room that I knew she was going to be in. As we moved on into high school it did become less of an issue as she spent less and less time at the school and I now have many fond memories of high school. Here is the irony, I would not be the person I am today without my middle school bully. I had finally had enough of her and decided that I was going to stop being afraid of what the other kids thought and put my energy into becoming who I wanted to be. It was during that time that I forced myself to be good at public speaking. I worked hard on speaking loudly and clearly, and not looking nervous. I raised my hand in class and shared my ideas. I came out of my shell and started living my life. I eventually spoke in front of the whole school and in my senior year won a radio speech contest. I don't know if I would have done that without living through middle school. I can not say however, that I would openly embrace my bully if I saw her today, I have even heard that she regrets her behavior back them. It is still a difficult time to remember and I would never relive it, but it played an important part of who I have become.
We all have family that we can point to who have had an impact on who we have become. I prefer to smile and be happy because I never saw my grandmother smile and always wondered if she was ever happy while my grandfather never stopped smiling. I choose to forgive and move on after watching the debilitating effects that keeping the anger inside has had on my sister. My cousins have taught me how to embrace the differences in all of us while knowing that we all have so much in common.
Friends have had a lasting impact as well, both the good and the bad. We have all had the bad experience that teaches us to not be so trusting and then the good experiences that teach us to put ourselves out in the world and we will be rewarded. We learn from our mistakes and successes and end up with a great circle of friends on which we can rely on. It seems that certain people come in and out of our lives when we need them the most. Some briefly, while others last a long time.
A friend who came into my life shortly after my husband was incarcerated, and was part of my support group recently fell ill. It is only within the last month that he found himself sick, and now has not been given much more time. He is a leader within our group, a friend with so much knowledge to share and a very good man. He is a minister by trade but I think he would have found a way to serve his fellowman if he had not heard his religious calling. Even now he is an inspiration in the way he is handling his prognosis, the humor that he shares with us is a sign of how strong his faith is. My one regret is that my husband did not get a chance to meet him. I think they would have got along well and my husband would have benefited from all that my friend could offer. His strength and fight is unceasing, and I can only hope to pick up were he has left off and continue to carry the torch forward.
With that said, embrace those who are around you. Love them for who they are and what they bring out in you. Be aware that there may not be a tomorrow so make the most of every day. Look at the people in our trials and in our joys, those we have known our whole lives and those who have recently come to us as well as those who teach us how to be good and those that teach us how not to be, for they are all just as important. We are truly blessed by those who lives touch ours.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
More Stories of Life Outside the BOP
Because of my determination to understand this whole situation, I have found myself surrounded by a wonderful group of people who are all in the same position. They have become my family and we rely on each other for so much. Today I want to share some of the updates of their stories in hopes of answering some questions for other people out there facing similar futures.
One family was reunited about a year ago. The gentlemen was of retirement age so finding a job was not a requirement for him. He was released early to a half way house and found himself back with his family pretty quickly. He ran into problems however dealing with probation services and his treatment program. Keep in mind that probation, in these cases, is NOT there to help them reintegrate into society. They believe that these guys are scum and that they WILL re offend, it is only a mater of time, so they are not nice at all. But this gentleman did not do everything exactly when and how they told him to do it. Since he has been home, he has found himself in many difficult situations and is in a state of limbo right now.
Another husband came home last fall but was told a week or so before he was supposed to be released to the half way house that he was not going, he would have to stay until his actual release date. When his release date was within a month, he was informed that he could not return to his home. Probation Services never did a residency verification until it was time for him to come home and then decided that he could not live there. The Justice system policy is that you can move back to your prior address with no problems, but they neglect to tell you that probation can make any decision they please regardless of the law or department policies. The family got assistance from the public defenders office and manage to get a stay, so he could come home to his wife instead of the local homeless shelter with a future court hearing about his residency. During his actual hearing the judge did allow him to return to his home and has now been allowed to stay there with his family. He is still looking for employment but he is now living with his family.
A brother was finishing up his time at a local half way house and just two weeks before his release was told that he could not move in with his sister because of a local municipality's residency restriction. He could not live with either of his other sisters for similar reasons. His sister had to scramble to find an apartment for him to live in with in the community, and apparently there is only one apartment that meets the communities tight residency restrictions. Keep in mind that when any federal prisoner is released, one of their restrictions states that they can not associate with any other known felons, and yet residency restrictions put all the felons in one apartment building. How does this make sense to anyone?
And just this week, another son was reunited with his family as they picked him up from the BOP and dropped him off at the local half way house. He still has time to serve, but now he is only a 15 minute drive from family and can call much more often without it costing an arm and a leg. He is back in regular clothes and has begun the process of reintegrating into society. He went through the drug and alcohol program while in Federal Prison, so in addition to his offender treatment he also has to continue the drug and alcohol treatment. So in just his first week in the half way house, he has been to 2 different treatment programs and been summoned to Probation. At probation, he was told his supervising officer was too busy in a meeting, he would need to come back. Normally probation would not need to see anyone in a half way house because they are technically still under the supervision of the BOP, but again probation services can change the rules as they see fit. This particular probation officer has commented in the past that these guys should not be allowed in the half way houses, and he is the first one in this particular house, so I think she is hoping to get on him earlier and crack down on what he can and can't do sooner, thinking that the half way house might be too lenient.
These are just a few of the varied stories and experiences that we have all been through. I will keep everyone updated on their stories as well as my own. We share a common experience which joins us together and it has become surprising to me as days pass to learn of others and their experiences with law enforcement on the sex offender label. New people that have come into my life and I learn of a connection to this side of the justice system, when they know nothing of my story. It just reinforces for me the reality that this label is being over used and it will eventually change because it is touching everyone's lives.
One family was reunited about a year ago. The gentlemen was of retirement age so finding a job was not a requirement for him. He was released early to a half way house and found himself back with his family pretty quickly. He ran into problems however dealing with probation services and his treatment program. Keep in mind that probation, in these cases, is NOT there to help them reintegrate into society. They believe that these guys are scum and that they WILL re offend, it is only a mater of time, so they are not nice at all. But this gentleman did not do everything exactly when and how they told him to do it. Since he has been home, he has found himself in many difficult situations and is in a state of limbo right now.
Another husband came home last fall but was told a week or so before he was supposed to be released to the half way house that he was not going, he would have to stay until his actual release date. When his release date was within a month, he was informed that he could not return to his home. Probation Services never did a residency verification until it was time for him to come home and then decided that he could not live there. The Justice system policy is that you can move back to your prior address with no problems, but they neglect to tell you that probation can make any decision they please regardless of the law or department policies. The family got assistance from the public defenders office and manage to get a stay, so he could come home to his wife instead of the local homeless shelter with a future court hearing about his residency. During his actual hearing the judge did allow him to return to his home and has now been allowed to stay there with his family. He is still looking for employment but he is now living with his family.
A brother was finishing up his time at a local half way house and just two weeks before his release was told that he could not move in with his sister because of a local municipality's residency restriction. He could not live with either of his other sisters for similar reasons. His sister had to scramble to find an apartment for him to live in with in the community, and apparently there is only one apartment that meets the communities tight residency restrictions. Keep in mind that when any federal prisoner is released, one of their restrictions states that they can not associate with any other known felons, and yet residency restrictions put all the felons in one apartment building. How does this make sense to anyone?
And just this week, another son was reunited with his family as they picked him up from the BOP and dropped him off at the local half way house. He still has time to serve, but now he is only a 15 minute drive from family and can call much more often without it costing an arm and a leg. He is back in regular clothes and has begun the process of reintegrating into society. He went through the drug and alcohol program while in Federal Prison, so in addition to his offender treatment he also has to continue the drug and alcohol treatment. So in just his first week in the half way house, he has been to 2 different treatment programs and been summoned to Probation. At probation, he was told his supervising officer was too busy in a meeting, he would need to come back. Normally probation would not need to see anyone in a half way house because they are technically still under the supervision of the BOP, but again probation services can change the rules as they see fit. This particular probation officer has commented in the past that these guys should not be allowed in the half way houses, and he is the first one in this particular house, so I think she is hoping to get on him earlier and crack down on what he can and can't do sooner, thinking that the half way house might be too lenient.
These are just a few of the varied stories and experiences that we have all been through. I will keep everyone updated on their stories as well as my own. We share a common experience which joins us together and it has become surprising to me as days pass to learn of others and their experiences with law enforcement on the sex offender label. New people that have come into my life and I learn of a connection to this side of the justice system, when they know nothing of my story. It just reinforces for me the reality that this label is being over used and it will eventually change because it is touching everyone's lives.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Time Passes, Little Changes
I realize it has been a while since I have had a chance to update everyone on everything that has been going on. Some days it seems that life has settled down to a boring normal and then other days are so chaotic that I wonder how I make it through.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years have come and gone and there are a few things I can share. Thanksgiving was spent split apart with my husband spending time with his family with my youngest while I stayed home with my daughter so she could get back and forth to work. Time did not permit my oldest to come home for the holiday. It was an unusual holiday, but given the past we had been through worse. We did have the opportunity to spend the following weekend with my brother out of town and celebrated our family time then, so we just had our family time a few days later than everyone else.
Christmas was going to be difficult for us as we did not know where to go. I did not want to haul my kids around trying to figure out where we could celebrate Christmas as a family. I am not sure what happened, if the planets aligned correctly or the sun was shining just right, but on the day my husband asked his probation officer if he could visit us on Christmas she said yes! Mind you I was still worried that she would violate him based on the fact that we had nothing in writing and no proof that she said he could be there, but we risked it and in the end, it all went well.
During this time, we are still trying to get the attorney to argue on our behalf that he should at least be allowed to visit the house on the weekends. Another family that was dealing with a similar issue, had a court hearing and was allowed to stay in their home so we are hoping that ultimately things play out for us a positive way but the wheels sure do turn slowly. We area again waiting for another return call from the attorney to see if anything has changed.
New Years Eve was spent with the in-laws as a completely unplanned evening but in the end it was nice anyway. Now we are into the routine of everyday life. We really only see my husband on the weekends with his work schedule, but he is still working...yeah!!! We try to find time to spend together on the weekends but that is usually time in someone else's home or out in a public venue. It is nice having him be able to take the kids to all the doctors appointments during the day when I would normally have to miss work so that is the one area where I do feel some relief in my schedule.
Looking forward to 3 or 4 months down the road when we are in a better position to start house hunting and getting everyone all under one roof. Then the real hard work will continue with all of us trying to fit together again as an intact family. The wounds are still raw for some and it will take a while to work through it all and get things back to a healthy place.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years have come and gone and there are a few things I can share. Thanksgiving was spent split apart with my husband spending time with his family with my youngest while I stayed home with my daughter so she could get back and forth to work. Time did not permit my oldest to come home for the holiday. It was an unusual holiday, but given the past we had been through worse. We did have the opportunity to spend the following weekend with my brother out of town and celebrated our family time then, so we just had our family time a few days later than everyone else.
Christmas was going to be difficult for us as we did not know where to go. I did not want to haul my kids around trying to figure out where we could celebrate Christmas as a family. I am not sure what happened, if the planets aligned correctly or the sun was shining just right, but on the day my husband asked his probation officer if he could visit us on Christmas she said yes! Mind you I was still worried that she would violate him based on the fact that we had nothing in writing and no proof that she said he could be there, but we risked it and in the end, it all went well.
During this time, we are still trying to get the attorney to argue on our behalf that he should at least be allowed to visit the house on the weekends. Another family that was dealing with a similar issue, had a court hearing and was allowed to stay in their home so we are hoping that ultimately things play out for us a positive way but the wheels sure do turn slowly. We area again waiting for another return call from the attorney to see if anything has changed.
New Years Eve was spent with the in-laws as a completely unplanned evening but in the end it was nice anyway. Now we are into the routine of everyday life. We really only see my husband on the weekends with his work schedule, but he is still working...yeah!!! We try to find time to spend together on the weekends but that is usually time in someone else's home or out in a public venue. It is nice having him be able to take the kids to all the doctors appointments during the day when I would normally have to miss work so that is the one area where I do feel some relief in my schedule.
Looking forward to 3 or 4 months down the road when we are in a better position to start house hunting and getting everyone all under one roof. Then the real hard work will continue with all of us trying to fit together again as an intact family. The wounds are still raw for some and it will take a while to work through it all and get things back to a healthy place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
