Even after 2 1/2 years since the police first knocked on my door at 6:20am and 1 1/2 years into my husbands incarceration you would think that I would have gotten over all the emotional issues by now. Well I am here to tell you that that is definitely not the case.
Granted, things are tremendously better. I have more good, dare I say great days, than bad days but those bad days still manage to sneak into my life. Why are there bad days? Heck, I wish I knew. I just wake up some mornings with this awful sense of dread hanging around. It feels like a dark rain cloud is following me around. For example, this morning I woke up, put on the work out clothes and headed down to the treadmill. Spent my 30 minutes listening to my upbeat exercise music and working out. Jumped in the shower and suddenly, I just feel awful. Why? Exercise is supposed to make you happier, it is supposed to increase endorphins...not for me this morning.
I finish getting ready for work and out the door I go. The whole drive to work all I can think about is how I do not want to go. The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day, the sun roof is open and yet I feel like Eeyore looking up at the storm cloud following me. I can not put a label on why I feel this way. Nothing new has happened, things have been relatively normal and nothing is upsetting the apple cart so why do I want bury my head in the pillow and hide? At times feeling like I am on the verge of tears, why? I have yet to figure this one out.
I feel bad about feeling bad because I tend to be shorter with the kids. My patience is gone and one comment that may have been glossed over some other time suddenly becomes a hot button. I almost want to wear a warning sign that tells them to proceed with caution when around me when I feel this way.
The funny thing is, it goes as quickly and as quietly as it comes. It may be gone by lunch, linger all day or simply hide beneath the surface until some small "thing" brings it back up. Is it the loneliness, anger, self-pity, sadness or simply just exhaustion? The possible list is endless and it could be any combination. How do you combat the unknown How do you fight it when it appears? I keep trying to look for the positive but I think it is my mind giving me a day off from trying so hard to be happy during a difficult situation. This experience did not came with a map or an owners manual and for someone who actually reads the instruction book, that seems to be a problem.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Where Do I Find Support?
Part of the reason I started this blog was because when my husband was first arrested, it seemed I had no where to turn for support. I was looking for support, guidance and words of wisdom from any place I could find it. When a large percentage of my friends were no longer available for me to talk to, I had to find that support from someone or someplace else.
I was always an avid reader, but I discovered that I could escape my life by spending time in a fictional one between the covers of a book, but fate intervened when I picked up certain fiction books which seemed to be exactly what my soul needed to hear. One of the first books I read was by Andy Andrews called "The Travelers Gift". It was fiction or was it, but there was so much truth and such a glorious message in the story that I immediately felt a deep connection to the story. Some would call it fiction, or inspirational, or faith based novel, but all I knew was that is was the medicine my heart needed to begin healing.
"The Travelers Gift" was quickly followed by "The Ultimate Gift" by Jim Stovall. Again, it was another uplifting tale of how one can change their life for the better no mater where they come from and what is put in front of them. Both stories were true GIFTS to me. I have since become a fan or both Andy Andrews and Jim Stovall. I have many of the other stories they have written and consider myself truly blessed to have discovered these priceless gems. Andy Andrews recently released "The Island of Saints" under a new title called "The Heart Mender" and I highly recommend this book for anyone struggling with the idea of forgiving.
I soon began looking for more answers and guidance between the pages of books. Other novels that became part of the healing for me were about things like finding God in the worst life has to offer, valuing life above all else and not being afraid to die, being aware of the world around us and how we fit into it, viewing the world from another's perspective could change the way we ourselves see the world, and learning to forgive and love those around us in spite of what they may have said or done.
The list has slowly grown very long and my book shelves keep getting fuller. I did start by borrowing some from the library but the really special ones needed a permanent place in my home. I would buy them at book sales or online for the littlest costs as possible. Some were given to me by caring friends who also found aid in the messages the books offered.
I have since found people to offer support to and get it myself, but I still continue to find many answers and pearls of wisdom between the covers of a good book. I still like to escape into someone else's life but I have also found many answers there. For those of you struggling to get through a difficult time I would recommend looking for a book. We are not alone on this planet and many have gone before us to offer some help along the way, take advantage of what they have to tell us.
I was always an avid reader, but I discovered that I could escape my life by spending time in a fictional one between the covers of a book, but fate intervened when I picked up certain fiction books which seemed to be exactly what my soul needed to hear. One of the first books I read was by Andy Andrews called "The Travelers Gift". It was fiction or was it, but there was so much truth and such a glorious message in the story that I immediately felt a deep connection to the story. Some would call it fiction, or inspirational, or faith based novel, but all I knew was that is was the medicine my heart needed to begin healing.
"The Travelers Gift" was quickly followed by "The Ultimate Gift" by Jim Stovall. Again, it was another uplifting tale of how one can change their life for the better no mater where they come from and what is put in front of them. Both stories were true GIFTS to me. I have since become a fan or both Andy Andrews and Jim Stovall. I have many of the other stories they have written and consider myself truly blessed to have discovered these priceless gems. Andy Andrews recently released "The Island of Saints" under a new title called "The Heart Mender" and I highly recommend this book for anyone struggling with the idea of forgiving.
I soon began looking for more answers and guidance between the pages of books. Other novels that became part of the healing for me were about things like finding God in the worst life has to offer, valuing life above all else and not being afraid to die, being aware of the world around us and how we fit into it, viewing the world from another's perspective could change the way we ourselves see the world, and learning to forgive and love those around us in spite of what they may have said or done.
The list has slowly grown very long and my book shelves keep getting fuller. I did start by borrowing some from the library but the really special ones needed a permanent place in my home. I would buy them at book sales or online for the littlest costs as possible. Some were given to me by caring friends who also found aid in the messages the books offered.
I have since found people to offer support to and get it myself, but I still continue to find many answers and pearls of wisdom between the covers of a good book. I still like to escape into someone else's life but I have also found many answers there. For those of you struggling to get through a difficult time I would recommend looking for a book. We are not alone on this planet and many have gone before us to offer some help along the way, take advantage of what they have to tell us.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Starting the Repairs
Things going fairly smoothly right now. Keeping busy with summer activities, and enjoying the nice weather before it is gone in the blink of an eye. Struggling to plan and pay for a visit to see my husband sometime next month. His parents promised to visit him this past weekend but cancelled at the last minute. I did not put much faith in them stopping in to see him but still felt bad for him none the less when they cancelled. What kind of parents can find something better to do than visit their own son at least once a year? It would take an act of nature to keep me away from my children.
My husband finally responded to my request for an accounting of the things he has done against our family which landed him where he is now. In his response, he has opened up a dialogue for us to share thoughts, feelings and ideas about what happened and why. In that, we are trying to work out where to go from here. He currently is not eligible for any counseling, and based on what he has learned, he is not sure he would partake of it anyway since everything inmates say becomes part of their permanent file. Nothing is private. This is our opportunity to begin to repair and understand all the damage that has been done to our family by his choices.
Communication has always been a short fall for my husband so this is a very difficult thing for him to work on, yet being able to put it on paper and not directly to my face may make it easier to put his real thoughts down. There has been some yelling, (as much as you can yell on paper) but has been well received by both with an open mind. Not saying that this will solve all the issues that are floating out there and that when he comes home there still won't be a huge amount of work to do but hopefully it is a foundation to continue to build on.
We have a large amount of time to work through everything, which is good, because in translation and putting your thoughts and questions on paper is subject to interpretation. What I may want him to focus on, he focuses on something completely different, so in the time we have, we may eventually get through everything we want to and need to. Nothing says everything needs to be solved right away, in that way time is on our side.
Making the best of what we have been given has become a goal, and a necessity. Finding joy in the sunshine and the smile on the faces of the children and in a quick 15 minute phone call, that is a special gift I have learned in all of this. Joy is in the small things that are around us every day, they are there but some people do not every stop long enough to see them.
My husband finally responded to my request for an accounting of the things he has done against our family which landed him where he is now. In his response, he has opened up a dialogue for us to share thoughts, feelings and ideas about what happened and why. In that, we are trying to work out where to go from here. He currently is not eligible for any counseling, and based on what he has learned, he is not sure he would partake of it anyway since everything inmates say becomes part of their permanent file. Nothing is private. This is our opportunity to begin to repair and understand all the damage that has been done to our family by his choices.
Communication has always been a short fall for my husband so this is a very difficult thing for him to work on, yet being able to put it on paper and not directly to my face may make it easier to put his real thoughts down. There has been some yelling, (as much as you can yell on paper) but has been well received by both with an open mind. Not saying that this will solve all the issues that are floating out there and that when he comes home there still won't be a huge amount of work to do but hopefully it is a foundation to continue to build on.
We have a large amount of time to work through everything, which is good, because in translation and putting your thoughts and questions on paper is subject to interpretation. What I may want him to focus on, he focuses on something completely different, so in the time we have, we may eventually get through everything we want to and need to. Nothing says everything needs to be solved right away, in that way time is on our side.
Making the best of what we have been given has become a goal, and a necessity. Finding joy in the sunshine and the smile on the faces of the children and in a quick 15 minute phone call, that is a special gift I have learned in all of this. Joy is in the small things that are around us every day, they are there but some people do not every stop long enough to see them.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Absense makes the heart grow fonder?
I am busy finishing up the the school year for the kids and filling in the calendar with all their summer events. Things like basketball camps, softball camps and all the other leagues that seem to occupy so much of our time. I am also trying to plan a visit to see my husband in August. It will have been over a year since we have seen him. It is an 11 hour drive and obviously requires a hotel stay or two so it is not an inexpensive trip by any means. I am booking hotels early as I have the money, hoping that I do not get hit with the costs all at once.
But my bigger question for today is, what should we expect? It has been almost a year and a half since he has been a part of our daily lives and over a year since we have even seem him. I write everyday and talk to him three times a week for our allotted 15 minutes each call. But I feel a distance between us. Not because of anything either on of us has ever said or done, but just because of the physical distance between us. I try to keep him up to date on everything that is going on with us. I send a monthly calendar, update him in the letters of all the days activities and try to think of all the important things to tell him when we talk. Yet when the phone rings I do not want to waste time on silly things and then can not think of anything else to talk about. I do not want to always be whining and telling him I wish he was here. I think that only makes things worse. I am not saying that that does not happen, I just try not to let it happen too often.
He lives in a world that I can not begin to completely understand and may never want to. I know what he tells me and sometimes even that is too much. He seems to have friends, keeps busy with his job, and attends all the required classes that will allow him to eventually come home on time. But our lives are separate, we exist at the same time but not in the same place or even with the same goals at this point in our lives. I am busy trying to raise three children into adults while working to maintain a minimal standard of living. He is trying to keep a low profile and do what he needs to get done to come home safely in three more years.
Time is flying by but at the same time it is crawling. I measure his time away in the way the kids have changed and it seems like a lifetime ago, but if I look forward at how much longer he has, we are not even halfway to the end yet.
Does all this separation have a greater impact on us all in the long run? How will he incorporate himself back into our lives? I miss him tremendously and yet I am anxious about seeing him in August. We will spend two visiting days with him, what will everyone have to say?
I am not sure if this is the right way to handle all of this mess, but it is the only way that I know how for right now. I would love to see him more often but the cost and distance makes it impossible. So for now this is what we have to do. My crystal ball is broken so I have no way of knowing that things will work out in the end...I can only hope.
But my bigger question for today is, what should we expect? It has been almost a year and a half since he has been a part of our daily lives and over a year since we have even seem him. I write everyday and talk to him three times a week for our allotted 15 minutes each call. But I feel a distance between us. Not because of anything either on of us has ever said or done, but just because of the physical distance between us. I try to keep him up to date on everything that is going on with us. I send a monthly calendar, update him in the letters of all the days activities and try to think of all the important things to tell him when we talk. Yet when the phone rings I do not want to waste time on silly things and then can not think of anything else to talk about. I do not want to always be whining and telling him I wish he was here. I think that only makes things worse. I am not saying that that does not happen, I just try not to let it happen too often.
He lives in a world that I can not begin to completely understand and may never want to. I know what he tells me and sometimes even that is too much. He seems to have friends, keeps busy with his job, and attends all the required classes that will allow him to eventually come home on time. But our lives are separate, we exist at the same time but not in the same place or even with the same goals at this point in our lives. I am busy trying to raise three children into adults while working to maintain a minimal standard of living. He is trying to keep a low profile and do what he needs to get done to come home safely in three more years.
Time is flying by but at the same time it is crawling. I measure his time away in the way the kids have changed and it seems like a lifetime ago, but if I look forward at how much longer he has, we are not even halfway to the end yet.
Does all this separation have a greater impact on us all in the long run? How will he incorporate himself back into our lives? I miss him tremendously and yet I am anxious about seeing him in August. We will spend two visiting days with him, what will everyone have to say?
I am not sure if this is the right way to handle all of this mess, but it is the only way that I know how for right now. I would love to see him more often but the cost and distance makes it impossible. So for now this is what we have to do. My crystal ball is broken so I have no way of knowing that things will work out in the end...I can only hope.
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