Holidays Part II

I know it is February but in my world time passes either too slowly or way too quickly sometimes. Too slow when I think about days passing but way too quickly when I spend my time as a single parent being both mom and dad for three normal kids who still have a father, yet I am going in different directions all the time.

The holidays, namely Christmas, I already talked about what goodness I found in the giving of the holiday and kindness of others, so today I wanted to talk about how hard it was to get through what would normally be a joyous and merry time. I tried to make sure things were still OK for the kids, which meant the decorations, the trees, the cookies, church and family ties (and by family ties I mean the people who are my chosen family, not necessarily the blood family).

I put up the trees and decorations mostly by myself knowing that I would have to put them away by myself. That was a task we always shared, he would normally do the lights and I would put on the ornaments. I put up a few decorations outside although I really wanted to shut out the rest of the world. Found joy in making cookies and having fun making a mess in the kitchen. We made up some cookies for gifts for family and friends. So I did struggle with it all but managed to put on the appearance that all was well.

For me the hardest part was going to Christmas services, here we sat as a family and yet we are not a complete family. Part of the holiday was missing, like there was a hole in the middle of it. But I bit my lip and made it through. I had to stay up all by myself putting out the gifts, let me tell you that was not fun. Missing the laughing and talking and giggling, being as excited as the kids would be in the morning. Not this year. Hurry up and finished so I could get to bed because I was tired and I knew I would have to be up early in the morning. I was just walking through the motions. I was doing everything I thought I should be just for the kids.

I am not going to lie, parts of Christmas day were pretty awful. I really had to struggle to make it through, broken garage doors and everything (it is fixed now, I can fix anything because I have too). Friends came by and dragged us out of the house and we spent the best part of the day with them, thank heaven for angles. I did get to talk to my husband 3 times on Christmas day, wow! 45 whole minutes of conversation on the most blessed holiday of the year. Better than nothing I suppose.

I am relieved that it is over and one more year is down, and only a few more to go. So with every passing event brings us one day closer to being a family again. So with the moments of misery, there are moments of clarity when I realize that this will someday be over and I have learned to value what so many take for granted.

Happy Anniversary?

Before I get back to my holiday plight I had to take some time out to mark a solemn occasion and ponder how to best handle a very difficult time. Coming up at the end of this week is the anniversary of the day this nightmare began 2 years ago and also the day exactly one year ago when my husband was sentenced and immediately remanded. What a week!

So, do I hide at home for the 2 days in anticipation of them being very emotional? Lock myself away from the world and quietly wait for those days to pass, or do I pretend that they are just another day, get up, go to work and spend the days trying not to remember what I find difficult to forget?

No to all of the above. I do not want to find myself wallowing in some dark room hoping the world will quietly pass by. These 2 days will be on the calendar every year and nothing I do will get rid of them, so I have decided to face them head on with as much of a positive attitude that I can put together.

I have decided to take some time from work and spend that time doing positive and fun things with those who mean the most to me. I will be going skiing with my daughter on one day, and having a special day with a fellow Mom where we treat ourselves to lunch, a matinee, and even a pedicure, and another day will be spent with friends and family. In a twisted sort of way I am actually looking forward to these days now.

On the positive side, it has been one year since my husband has started serving his sentence and that means he is one year closer to coming home again. I can not believe that we have survived one year already, but I am still looking forward to only having one year left and the real count down can begin.

So is this a Happy Anniversary? Not really, but an anniversary that I have to learn to live through without it continuing to effect me in a negative way. That means I win this one!

One Holiday Season Down Part I

This was our first Christmas without my husband with us, so it has been a difficult time, and has taking me some time to process everything before I could share it.

I have never experienced such an outpouring of kindness from strangers and friends in my whole life. I have been given the Gift of Gratitude on a level few will ever get to experience. A colleague at work gave me some money to buy my children Christmas gifts, and I decided that I would give the money to the kids so they could buy gifts for each other. What a double gift that was! Not only did the kids have gifts from each other to open, but we also had the best time in the world shopping for each other and spending the time together really enjoying the true meaning of the season...the joy of giving to others.

My husband had been able to make a request through another charitable organization, gifts that he would like to give the kids from him. They contacted me, I fine tuned his gift requests and made arrangements for the gifts to be dropped off at the house. A local church group dropped off the gifts the Sunday before Christmas and I was so overwhelmed with their kindness. I hugged those kind ladies like they were my closest family, and felt such warmth and gratitude, but had no other way to express what I was feeling. Christmas morning when the gifts were opened, they were so much more than I could have ever imagined.

At the last minute, I had another request for a list from the kids what they would like, and another kind family came through with some additional, wonderful gifts. Even I had one or two to open Christmas day. A few gift cards were passed my way as well which made for a nice holiday dinner.

So the gifts that other people gave to us can never have a price placed on them. They were absolutely priceless on so many levels and I made sure my kids understood that most of our Christmas came from the kindness of strangers. What a lesson to learn and I hope that they can take this experience with them.

The highlight of the holiday was from the kindness of others. It helped make a very difficult time a little better. All I can offer is a big thank you and the opportunity in the future to be able to pay it forward.

What Do You Say?

Who would have thought that the kid who has not stopped talking since the day she was born would be left speechless. There have been a few occasions recently when I did not know what to say or spent more thinking about what to say than actually talking.



Not to long ago my mother-in-law actually said that I had her permission "to find someone else, even if it was only someone temporarily". How do you respond to that? I was speechless. On so many levels that was just wrong. Why would she think I would need her permission? Or what makes her think I could so easily turn my back on my husband, even if it was temporary. Apparently she finds it easy to do. My vows mean so much more to me than she will ever understand, not being an overly spiritual person I do not think it would occur to her how much they mean to me.

I had no response for her, this was her son she was talking about. What kind of mother could be so callous about her son and his well being? Left me speechless and dumbfounded. I debated over whether to share that conversation with my husband, so I ultimately left it up to him. He said that he did want to hear what she had said to me, and after I told him I am not really sure how he processed the information. Again these are things he will have to deal with and think about when the time comes.

The second time was when I was talking to a distant family member who was not aware of the situation, she asked what my husband did for a living and was just generally being polite and curious. Oh no! How do I respond to that? The situation I had been dreading for the longest time. I thought carefully about the best way to answer that question and settled on the truth in it's simplest form. This lead to additional questions and again I carefully thought about each response, but overall it was a positive conversation. I had crossed another hurdle. I had answered the one question I had not been looking forward to. Would I answer the question the same way every time it is asked? Probably not, but I have tackled it once and on I go.

There are so many unique moments in my life now that few people get to experience. I am blessed with the ability to continue to learn about myself, grow, evolve, and change for the better. So many people, when they reach my stage in life, no longer change, but I have been giving a second chance to keeping learning and becoming the good person we all strive for.