Looking back to 2008 I would have never believed that I would find myself where I am today. I believe that all my past experiences have prepared me for the place and the people in my life. I know that this journey is by design and not random and I am fully prepared to make the most of all that I now know.
Years ago, I was like most of the population who believed the garbage that came from the press about sex offenders and how awful they all were. Any one with that label was someone that my children were advised to steer clear of and to be vigilante of strangers. But now I know the facts and the truth and the reality of anyone being labeled a sex offender. But, in truth, the irony in this is not that I know more sex offenders because of my husband or because of our support group, I now know more sex offenders because of people who are in my life for a variety of reasons. Another family member finds himself on this same path only for different reason, a friend of my daughters and a friends boyfriend are examples of a few.
I find myself as the navigator for the family members because this is a road well known by me with all the pitfalls, twists and turns that lay ahead of them. If not for my experiences I would not be able to offer them anything except my prayers. But now, I am fully armed with so much information that I do not know where to begin with all there is to share. The young man had so much going for him and knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life, but now that is all changing. He is a fine young man and one I respect and trust, and hope that he does not let this drag him down. I hope that all will turn out well and that he will rise above it all only to find success on a different path and that he does not let any future label define him.
My daughter's friend is young enough to not really understand the tough road ahead of him, although he has carried the sex offender label for a few years already. He is still struggling with the judicial ramifications of his initial crime. But he knows that within our family, no judgement is passed on anyone based on a label. He knows that he can freely talk to me about any issues that he is facing at any given time. He has taken the time to overcome his own discomfort to share his story with me and I believe that he finds a small comfort in having another place to turn.
I am not actively looking to surround myself with sex offenders, but I am finding more and more of them in my daily life. I am not sure if it is because there are more and more people labeled as sex offenders or if they are being placed in my life for other reasons. Maybe it is because I come across more open and accepting but for what ever the reason, I am prepared. It is not an area that I ever thought I would be an "expert" in but I am always available to help any one who needs some help.
In truth, it scares me that I can name so many people I know that are on the sex offender registry. All of whom are great guys who made mistakes, paid the price and are now trying to move forward. What does that say about us as a society, when we find safety in putting a label on someone who will most likely never commit another crime? I would wonder how many of us would be amazed to discover that co-worker, friend, or family member, who is a great guy, is actually a sex offender.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Settling In
About a month ago already (wow time flies) we closed on the new house and moved in to our new one as a whole family. Is it my dream home? Initially I would have said no, but thinking of the bigger picture and where we are in our lives, I would now say it is a perfect fit.
The house is a bit bigger than our old one, but it sits on a smaller city lot. That just gives us lots of room inside and less lawn to mow, which is more time to spend doing fun things. The house is 100 years old and is full of character. There is so much we can do with it and over time make it our own.
The kids seem very happy with the new place and their new surroundings. Their old school district has granted them permission to finish out their education within the old school. That helps make the move better too, with no big educational changes.
So the big question is, how are things going? Surprisingly well. There are adjustments in the household that will fix themselves as the kids now have two parents under one roof. But already I have noticed some positive signs of everyone fitting into their respective roles. Probation has come through without incident so things are good there for now.
The difficult part comes into play due to the treatment program that my husband is expected to attend. He is at a point in the program where he is being challenged and asked to do things out of character for him, but yet they are things that are necessary for him to grow and moved beyond the feelings and emotions that put him in the awful place he once found himself. It is difficult for me to see him struggling with life long habits and being forced to change. It is hard for me to watch him struggle with these challenges when I fully support what the program and his counselor are trying to do. He feels that they want to see immediate changes, but it is difficult to change a lifetime of behavior with a blink of an eye. I don't believe that they expect overnight miracles, but just want to see that he is making the effort and doing the work.
Just like settling into a new home, creating a new way of dealing with life"s struggles takes time, patience and perseverance. It seems to be a never ending task until one day you look around and there are no more boxes left to unpack, furniture has been replaced many times, kids have come and gone and your on your third color of paint in the kitchen. Changing and becoming better people is a job that never has an end we just wake up one day and realize we are different than the person we used to be, and hopefully for the better.
The house is a bit bigger than our old one, but it sits on a smaller city lot. That just gives us lots of room inside and less lawn to mow, which is more time to spend doing fun things. The house is 100 years old and is full of character. There is so much we can do with it and over time make it our own.
The kids seem very happy with the new place and their new surroundings. Their old school district has granted them permission to finish out their education within the old school. That helps make the move better too, with no big educational changes.
So the big question is, how are things going? Surprisingly well. There are adjustments in the household that will fix themselves as the kids now have two parents under one roof. But already I have noticed some positive signs of everyone fitting into their respective roles. Probation has come through without incident so things are good there for now.
The difficult part comes into play due to the treatment program that my husband is expected to attend. He is at a point in the program where he is being challenged and asked to do things out of character for him, but yet they are things that are necessary for him to grow and moved beyond the feelings and emotions that put him in the awful place he once found himself. It is difficult for me to see him struggling with life long habits and being forced to change. It is hard for me to watch him struggle with these challenges when I fully support what the program and his counselor are trying to do. He feels that they want to see immediate changes, but it is difficult to change a lifetime of behavior with a blink of an eye. I don't believe that they expect overnight miracles, but just want to see that he is making the effort and doing the work.
Just like settling into a new home, creating a new way of dealing with life"s struggles takes time, patience and perseverance. It seems to be a never ending task until one day you look around and there are no more boxes left to unpack, furniture has been replaced many times, kids have come and gone and your on your third color of paint in the kitchen. Changing and becoming better people is a job that never has an end we just wake up one day and realize we are different than the person we used to be, and hopefully for the better.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Lessons of A Lifetime
There have been so many lessons that I have learned over the last few years that I sometimes find myself sharing those lessons with friends who are going through their own difficult situations. When we find ourselves in the middle of a series of life changing events, we don't measure then against what someone else may be going through, we just feel that this is the worst thing that could happen and no one could really understand our feelings. You can't look at someone and say that my life is worse than yours, it just does not work out that way. However, the lessons that we learn from our own experiences can be a tool that we can share with others, in the hopes that their burden can be lightened.
Recently a friend of mine found himself in a very bad situation with his wife and family. His wife decided she was tired of being a mom and left the family. My friend has been struggling with his love for his children and the daunting task of now being a full time parent and full time provider. On top of that he is trying to find the best way to deal with his wife and her relationship with the family. He is a strong man and I have no doubt he will succeed in ways that he can not begin to see right now but in the meantime he is full of anxiety over his life. It is here that I have been able to offer some of the things that I have learned in my own personal journey.
We can share stories of our own feelings of inadequacy, but understand that we still have to get up every morning. I can now assure him that at some point in the future, things will be good again and he won't remember the exact day that things improved, he will just notice it one day. Getting through it one day at a time it the best approach and not to worry too much about tomorrow. Things will eventually work out.
Forgiveness is a daunting process but one that is worth it for his health and sanity, and worth more than staying angry at those who wronged us. We think we get more from being angry but in reality the anger only affects us and not the intended target. It is one of the hardest things to work through but so worth it. No baggage to carry and you will find that you can wake up with a smile.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of how much you are loved. If there are people in your life who want to help, that is a sign that people believe that you are worth their time and attention. Don't think that you have to do it all by yourself to prove that you can succeed. Our friends and family offer their support, take it. It may be a humbling experience but a gratifying and wonderful one at the same time. Some of my greatest moments have been linked to someone else reaching out a helping hand.
In working through our own problems we find ourselves as role models and inspirational to those around us. We don't realize it but everyday, people in our lives are watching how we live our lives and make choices based on what they learn from us. They may never say anything to you, but know that you are being an inspiration to someone, even if it is our children.
I have come to believe that we learn the most valuable lessons in life in times of adversity. These difficult times are when we are shaped and molded in the adults that we are intended to be. Sharing these gifts are just another way to pay it forward.
Recently a friend of mine found himself in a very bad situation with his wife and family. His wife decided she was tired of being a mom and left the family. My friend has been struggling with his love for his children and the daunting task of now being a full time parent and full time provider. On top of that he is trying to find the best way to deal with his wife and her relationship with the family. He is a strong man and I have no doubt he will succeed in ways that he can not begin to see right now but in the meantime he is full of anxiety over his life. It is here that I have been able to offer some of the things that I have learned in my own personal journey.
We can share stories of our own feelings of inadequacy, but understand that we still have to get up every morning. I can now assure him that at some point in the future, things will be good again and he won't remember the exact day that things improved, he will just notice it one day. Getting through it one day at a time it the best approach and not to worry too much about tomorrow. Things will eventually work out.
Forgiveness is a daunting process but one that is worth it for his health and sanity, and worth more than staying angry at those who wronged us. We think we get more from being angry but in reality the anger only affects us and not the intended target. It is one of the hardest things to work through but so worth it. No baggage to carry and you will find that you can wake up with a smile.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of how much you are loved. If there are people in your life who want to help, that is a sign that people believe that you are worth their time and attention. Don't think that you have to do it all by yourself to prove that you can succeed. Our friends and family offer their support, take it. It may be a humbling experience but a gratifying and wonderful one at the same time. Some of my greatest moments have been linked to someone else reaching out a helping hand.
In working through our own problems we find ourselves as role models and inspirational to those around us. We don't realize it but everyday, people in our lives are watching how we live our lives and make choices based on what they learn from us. They may never say anything to you, but know that you are being an inspiration to someone, even if it is our children.
I have come to believe that we learn the most valuable lessons in life in times of adversity. These difficult times are when we are shaped and molded in the adults that we are intended to be. Sharing these gifts are just another way to pay it forward.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Too Much Drama
I suddenly realized it has been a while since I have posted, but it seems that the drama never ends. We received an offer on our home and did some major house hunting so we would have a place to live when ours sold. We did not find exactly what we wanted, but we were still very happy with our choice. It gave us a chance to rethink how we plan on spending our time in the future as the family grows and changes. Turns out we won't be spending hours mowing the lawn...haha, but the house is a beautiful American Foursquare that we are excited to put our touches on. And it comes with room for everyone to visit and sit around the table laughing.
As we were progressing with all the requirements for the purchase of our new home, we did not hear anything about our buyers, I became concerned and questioned our realtor. She said not to worry, and one week later I see that our listing status is now changed to active again. I got a text from a friend who has a family member who was excited to see the house because they thought is was sold. I told her "So did I". My realtor then informed us that the buyers pre-qualified financing didn't happen. Now our house has been sold twice with the buyers backing out for one reason or another. There goes our January closing date.
However, we just had two people come through the house and both loved it. One has submitted an offer (not good) and we have countered and we are hoping the other family submits some kind of offer quickly. Either way, that pushes back our closing our our new home. But after all this time what is one more month?
The time has been good. The wounds are slowly starting to heal. When we are all together it feels like a whole family. The white elephant in the room is shrinking. The only thing left is to get us all under one roof. The old adage that nothing worthwhile is ever easy seems to hold in everything that we do.
There was so much more to this story, issues with the purchase of our new home, that we thought we might loose it as well but that all seems ironed out. There is no way to put into words the emotional roller coaster that we experience just in one day sometimes.
But on another good note, a friend recently informed me that her loved one had his designation hearing for his SO level and received a level I. I was just as excited for her as I was for my husband when we heard the judge give him a level I. Here in New York, level Is stay off the public registry and some counties don't even post your photos so it makes life a bit easier. This is after the Probation Department had informed us and her family as well that you could not fight the designation and most of the pornography guys were getting a level II designation. We fought, and we won. They fought and they won.
The message today is to keep fighting for what you think is right. Nothing will happen overnight but eventually things will change. As more people push back, the swell gets bigger and hopefully others start to learn the truth and that is when we see the real change.
As we were progressing with all the requirements for the purchase of our new home, we did not hear anything about our buyers, I became concerned and questioned our realtor. She said not to worry, and one week later I see that our listing status is now changed to active again. I got a text from a friend who has a family member who was excited to see the house because they thought is was sold. I told her "So did I". My realtor then informed us that the buyers pre-qualified financing didn't happen. Now our house has been sold twice with the buyers backing out for one reason or another. There goes our January closing date.
However, we just had two people come through the house and both loved it. One has submitted an offer (not good) and we have countered and we are hoping the other family submits some kind of offer quickly. Either way, that pushes back our closing our our new home. But after all this time what is one more month?
The time has been good. The wounds are slowly starting to heal. When we are all together it feels like a whole family. The white elephant in the room is shrinking. The only thing left is to get us all under one roof. The old adage that nothing worthwhile is ever easy seems to hold in everything that we do.
There was so much more to this story, issues with the purchase of our new home, that we thought we might loose it as well but that all seems ironed out. There is no way to put into words the emotional roller coaster that we experience just in one day sometimes.
But on another good note, a friend recently informed me that her loved one had his designation hearing for his SO level and received a level I. I was just as excited for her as I was for my husband when we heard the judge give him a level I. Here in New York, level Is stay off the public registry and some counties don't even post your photos so it makes life a bit easier. This is after the Probation Department had informed us and her family as well that you could not fight the designation and most of the pornography guys were getting a level II designation. We fought, and we won. They fought and they won.
The message today is to keep fighting for what you think is right. Nothing will happen overnight but eventually things will change. As more people push back, the swell gets bigger and hopefully others start to learn the truth and that is when we see the real change.
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