Five years ago this week was one of the worst weeks I have ever had to live through. It was in my urgency to get a call to my husband to inform him that my mom had passed away that I discovered he had been sent to the SHU (Secure Housing Unit) for getting in a fight. I had to face the passing of my mother without the presence of my husband as well as worry for his safety.
It was a difficult time and as with most families there is always turmoil between family members, and for me it is with my sister. She certainly did not do what she could to make the best of the situation for any of us. If she could stir the pot, she did and as is often the case, I just back away and let her go. I did put my foot down about a few things that I felt were important and I managed to do it with out yelling or insulting anyone.
It took me until the morning of the funeral to finally speak with my husband and find out what was going on. I had called the facility numerous times and would not get an answer or a call back. I could not even get a confirmation that I was calling a good phone number. It was just as we were heading out the door for the funeral that I finally got the call and he told me rather quickly, what had happened. and where he was.
I volunteered to speak at my mom's funeral, and I was told that I did a fine job. I was proud to be able to offer some last words for my mother and share some of my memories. Spending time with my extended family was a blessing and a salvation. I am not sure how I managed to get through it all with my blood pressure in the normal range and still getting moving every day but laughing with all my family is always something to cherish.
My husband ended up spending about 30 days in the SHU and completely missed another major life event. I could not even speak to him because of the limited phone privileges they have when they are in the SHU. Much later he shared more of the story and divulged the extent of his injuries, which I am glad I did not know at the time.
Here I am, five years down the road, and my life is in a much different place. We are all moving further and further away from that time. Slowly our lives are changing. Yet there are days when I wish I could pick up the phone and still call my mom. I go visit my family home, and nothing is the same but no one can take my memories. Sometimes I wonder if it was her final lesson for me, if I could survive all that in one short period of time with everything people were expecting from me, I could survive anything. I like to think she is with me and is proud of me, how far I have come and how I have handled all that has been thrown at me. Peace.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Just Laugh!!
I can cry or I can laugh and there are days when I can do nothing but laugh. Last week my husband got a call from the temp agency early Monday morning and was told not to return to work. He had been terminated for attendance issues. HAHA.
He had ten and a half months of employment with the same company through this temp agency and had never been late or missed a day of work. He had however missed the time that he was required to attend his sex offender counseling. Which he had gotten an OK through the actual company as long as he provided documentation that he was attending counseling. He had a written note for every counseling session that he missed work time for. And the kicker is, he had not missed any work in over a month since the counseling had finally added a day session that he could attend. His direct supervisor is dumb founded. He was one of her best employees and told him that no one will even discuss him with her. She wanted him back and does not understand any of this. She was aware of his counseling and she had also been given copies of his doctor's notes.
He has filed for unemployment but we are waiting for the temp agency to fight it based on a work issue and not just lack of work, but we are fully armed with all the supporting documentation. Back to the grind and working full time to find another job. Unemployment would be nice but we are not counting on it. The up side is he now has more current, real life work experience.
So I say again, I could either laugh or cry. Today I choose to laugh!!! There is something better out there, I have to believe that. The housing situation has not changed, no one is interested in our house and he is still living with friends. It is all beginning to wear a bit thin, but I am trying to keep positive thoughts. School is back in full swing and looking forward to my second senior year and college shopping.
Wake up, go to work, keep a family together and keep positive thoughts everyday and laugh. Laugh in the face of adversity. I should be laughing all the time then...lol.
He had ten and a half months of employment with the same company through this temp agency and had never been late or missed a day of work. He had however missed the time that he was required to attend his sex offender counseling. Which he had gotten an OK through the actual company as long as he provided documentation that he was attending counseling. He had a written note for every counseling session that he missed work time for. And the kicker is, he had not missed any work in over a month since the counseling had finally added a day session that he could attend. His direct supervisor is dumb founded. He was one of her best employees and told him that no one will even discuss him with her. She wanted him back and does not understand any of this. She was aware of his counseling and she had also been given copies of his doctor's notes.
He has filed for unemployment but we are waiting for the temp agency to fight it based on a work issue and not just lack of work, but we are fully armed with all the supporting documentation. Back to the grind and working full time to find another job. Unemployment would be nice but we are not counting on it. The up side is he now has more current, real life work experience.
So I say again, I could either laugh or cry. Today I choose to laugh!!! There is something better out there, I have to believe that. The housing situation has not changed, no one is interested in our house and he is still living with friends. It is all beginning to wear a bit thin, but I am trying to keep positive thoughts. School is back in full swing and looking forward to my second senior year and college shopping.
Wake up, go to work, keep a family together and keep positive thoughts everyday and laugh. Laugh in the face of adversity. I should be laughing all the time then...lol.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Please, Just say something!
As life is attempting to return to something resembling normal, things come up that we have to choose how to respond. Things most people would never give a second thought to, but for us required a split decision.
Case in point, we had the opportunity to spend our long weekend with my brother back at my childhood home in the mountains. We had a wonderful weekend hiking the mountains, doing some touristy stuff and being out on the lake in the kayaks. It is a reminder that certain things in life are back to normal. I had prepared some meals ahead of time that would only require a crock pot or oven time and we needed one or two items to complete one of the meals. We headed out to the grocery store, and in the many years since leaving there I don't think I have ever run into anyone that I knew, that is until this weekend.
We had barely walked into the store when I saw one of my best friends. We had stayed close for many years after high school, through weddings, children and on. We had always tried to carve out some visiting time when ever we would go home for a visit. But then things changed. My life was uncertain for a time and I was unsure about what everyone knew. Traveling became harder alone and it was during this time that my mom passed away as well. My friend came to the calling hours for my mom and she was very kind but we did not really get a chance to talk. Nor did she ask either, how my husband was doing or even where he was. I could not be sure that she even knew what was going on in my life.
So back to this weekend and there they are in the store right in front of us. Do we turn the other way and avoid them or try to talk to them and see what happens? I could not walk away, I called out to them and greeted them with hugs and smiles. We all talked for quite a while in the middle of the grocery store trying to catch up. There were separate conversations going on for a time so I did not hear all that my husband talked about and visa versa.
It was not until much later in a quiet moment that my husband told me that her husband had apologized to him. They knew all about what had happened and they fully supported him. But at the time they did not know what to say or if they should reach out to me. At the time, it was wonderful to hear of yet another rational person who was still supportive of my husband and know that they is hope for humanity. But there was an aching in my heart that wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, that I needed to hear that all those long years ago. A card that said thinking of you, or an e-mail that said call if you want to talk, anything would have been better than nothing.
Why is it so hard for us to reach out and just let someone else know that we are there for them. Are we afraid that they will take us up on our offer of help and then we are stuck? Are we afraid of not knowing what to say or we will look stupid? That we will upset them or hurt their feelings? Some small words might have made such a big difference back then for both of us. No one will know how much easier it would have been for me to know I had a few more people in my corner or it would have given my husband another person to communicate with while he served out his time.
The point of all of this is to implore everyone out there, in those awkward situations when you avoid saying anything because you don't know what to say, just say something. Say you are thinking of them, praying for them, offer to help in any way, even just a hug could say all that needs to be said and I guarantee you will feel anything but small and stupid. And your words may seem insignificant to you, but you will never know the power and influence that they will have on the person hearing them at a time when they are most needed.
Case in point, we had the opportunity to spend our long weekend with my brother back at my childhood home in the mountains. We had a wonderful weekend hiking the mountains, doing some touristy stuff and being out on the lake in the kayaks. It is a reminder that certain things in life are back to normal. I had prepared some meals ahead of time that would only require a crock pot or oven time and we needed one or two items to complete one of the meals. We headed out to the grocery store, and in the many years since leaving there I don't think I have ever run into anyone that I knew, that is until this weekend.
We had barely walked into the store when I saw one of my best friends. We had stayed close for many years after high school, through weddings, children and on. We had always tried to carve out some visiting time when ever we would go home for a visit. But then things changed. My life was uncertain for a time and I was unsure about what everyone knew. Traveling became harder alone and it was during this time that my mom passed away as well. My friend came to the calling hours for my mom and she was very kind but we did not really get a chance to talk. Nor did she ask either, how my husband was doing or even where he was. I could not be sure that she even knew what was going on in my life.
So back to this weekend and there they are in the store right in front of us. Do we turn the other way and avoid them or try to talk to them and see what happens? I could not walk away, I called out to them and greeted them with hugs and smiles. We all talked for quite a while in the middle of the grocery store trying to catch up. There were separate conversations going on for a time so I did not hear all that my husband talked about and visa versa.
It was not until much later in a quiet moment that my husband told me that her husband had apologized to him. They knew all about what had happened and they fully supported him. But at the time they did not know what to say or if they should reach out to me. At the time, it was wonderful to hear of yet another rational person who was still supportive of my husband and know that they is hope for humanity. But there was an aching in my heart that wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, that I needed to hear that all those long years ago. A card that said thinking of you, or an e-mail that said call if you want to talk, anything would have been better than nothing.
Why is it so hard for us to reach out and just let someone else know that we are there for them. Are we afraid that they will take us up on our offer of help and then we are stuck? Are we afraid of not knowing what to say or we will look stupid? That we will upset them or hurt their feelings? Some small words might have made such a big difference back then for both of us. No one will know how much easier it would have been for me to know I had a few more people in my corner or it would have given my husband another person to communicate with while he served out his time.
The point of all of this is to implore everyone out there, in those awkward situations when you avoid saying anything because you don't know what to say, just say something. Say you are thinking of them, praying for them, offer to help in any way, even just a hug could say all that needs to be said and I guarantee you will feel anything but small and stupid. And your words may seem insignificant to you, but you will never know the power and influence that they will have on the person hearing them at a time when they are most needed.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
No, You Can't Live Where You Want!
If anyone had told me a few years ago that a small handful of people would be able to dictate where I would live I would have never believed them. I would have argued with them and told them that this is not a communist country and our government is not so involved in our everyday lives. Well guess what, I would have been the one who was wrong.
It has been over a year, and my husband is not even allowed to visit our home because of the proximity to the town park. Keep in mind he has no hands on offenses and there is only one state residency restriction that applies, which says he can not live near a school. We are over a mile from the school but right next to the park which is surrounded with an eight foot chain link fence. The federal probation office is the ONLY one telling him he can not live there. Local law enforcement does not care. He is a minor blip on their radar of potentially highly dangerous criminals.
We have accepted that fate and are trying to move on with our lives, but here comes the problem again. So many of the nicer properties that I have been interested in, upon further examination, are located within a house or two of some kind of park. So we do not even bother to look at those, while others we have liked and are no where near a park, probation has come back and said that it is too close to a church or some mysterious ball field that is on some old map. Again, there are no legal reasons for us not be able to live anyway at all, it is just the interpretation of one office and a small group of individuals.
We have no where to go to fight this without possibly facing ramifications from an angry judge and we have all had more than enough court rooms to last a life time. So we sit in a state of limbo, under separate roofs, still not really living as a family.
Other properties we like are in other counties that publish all offenders names and photos on a website regardless of their level. Level I's here are not supposed to have their information available to the public, but as long as the communities do not publish their exact address then they are within the law. After fighting to get a Level I designation there is no way we would move somewhere where my husbands photo and name would be published on the internet. Again putting limitation on where we could possibly live.
Some my say that my husband deserves this, after all he broke the law, but why doesn't the world care where murders live or where drunk drivers might be on the road. He did something wrong, served his time and is now trying to rebuild his life, when does the punishment end? How long will it be before politicians can make rules indicating where you can live because of your history, religious beliefs, or even political beliefs? Only time will tell how far things go before the majority starts to push back to protect the minority or future of their own freedoms.
It has been over a year, and my husband is not even allowed to visit our home because of the proximity to the town park. Keep in mind he has no hands on offenses and there is only one state residency restriction that applies, which says he can not live near a school. We are over a mile from the school but right next to the park which is surrounded with an eight foot chain link fence. The federal probation office is the ONLY one telling him he can not live there. Local law enforcement does not care. He is a minor blip on their radar of potentially highly dangerous criminals.
We have accepted that fate and are trying to move on with our lives, but here comes the problem again. So many of the nicer properties that I have been interested in, upon further examination, are located within a house or two of some kind of park. So we do not even bother to look at those, while others we have liked and are no where near a park, probation has come back and said that it is too close to a church or some mysterious ball field that is on some old map. Again, there are no legal reasons for us not be able to live anyway at all, it is just the interpretation of one office and a small group of individuals.
We have no where to go to fight this without possibly facing ramifications from an angry judge and we have all had more than enough court rooms to last a life time. So we sit in a state of limbo, under separate roofs, still not really living as a family.
Other properties we like are in other counties that publish all offenders names and photos on a website regardless of their level. Level I's here are not supposed to have their information available to the public, but as long as the communities do not publish their exact address then they are within the law. After fighting to get a Level I designation there is no way we would move somewhere where my husbands photo and name would be published on the internet. Again putting limitation on where we could possibly live.
Some my say that my husband deserves this, after all he broke the law, but why doesn't the world care where murders live or where drunk drivers might be on the road. He did something wrong, served his time and is now trying to rebuild his life, when does the punishment end? How long will it be before politicians can make rules indicating where you can live because of your history, religious beliefs, or even political beliefs? Only time will tell how far things go before the majority starts to push back to protect the minority or future of their own freedoms.
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