Please, Just say something!

As life is attempting to return to something resembling normal, things come up that we have to choose how to respond.  Things most people would never give a second thought to, but for us required a split decision.

Case in point, we had the opportunity to spend our long weekend with my brother back at my childhood home in the mountains.  We had a wonderful weekend hiking the mountains, doing some touristy stuff and being out on the lake in the kayaks.  It is a reminder that certain things in life are back to normal.  I had prepared some meals ahead of time that would only require a crock pot or oven time and we needed one or two items to complete one of the meals.  We headed out to the grocery store, and in the many years since leaving there I don't think I have ever run into anyone that I knew, that is until this weekend. 

We had barely walked into the store when I saw one of my best friends.  We had stayed close for many years after high school, through weddings, children and on.  We had always tried to carve out some visiting time when ever we would go home for a visit.  But then things changed.  My life was uncertain for a time and I was unsure about what everyone knew.  Traveling became harder alone and it was during this time that my mom passed away as well.  My friend came to the calling hours for my mom and she was very kind but we did not really get a chance to talk.  Nor did she ask either, how my husband was doing or even where he was.  I could not be sure that she even knew what was going on in my life.

So back to this weekend and there they are in the store right in front of us.  Do we turn the other way and avoid them or try to talk to them and see what happens?  I could not walk away, I called out to them and greeted them with hugs and smiles.   We all talked for quite a while in the middle of the grocery store trying to catch up.  There were separate conversations going on for a time so I did not hear all that my husband talked about and visa versa. 

It was not until much later in a quiet moment that my husband told me that her husband had apologized to him.  They knew all about what had happened and they fully supported him.  But at the time they did not know what to say or if they should reach out to me.  At the time, it was wonderful to hear of yet another rational person who was still supportive of my husband and know that they is hope for humanity.  But there was an aching in my heart that wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, that I needed to hear that all those long years ago.  A card that said thinking of you, or an e-mail that said call if you want to talk, anything would have been better than nothing.

Why is it so hard for us to reach out and just let someone else know that we are there for them.  Are we afraid that they will take us up on our offer of help and then we are stuck?   Are we afraid of not knowing what to say or we will look stupid?  That we will upset them or hurt their feelings?  Some small words might have made such a big difference back then for both of us.  No one will know how much easier it would have been for me to know I had a few more people in my corner or it would have given my husband another person to communicate with while he served out his time.  

The point of all of this is to implore everyone out there, in those awkward situations when you avoid saying anything because you don't know what to say, just say something.  Say you are thinking of them, praying for them, offer to help in any way, even just a hug could say all that needs to be said and I guarantee you will feel anything but small and stupid.  And your words may seem insignificant to you, but you will never know the power and influence that they will have on the person hearing them at a time when they are most needed.

No, You Can't Live Where You Want!

If anyone had told me a few years ago that a small handful of people would be able to dictate where I would live I would have never believed them.  I would have argued with them and told them that this is not a communist country and our government is not so involved in our everyday lives.  Well guess what, I would have been the one who was wrong.

It has been over a year, and my husband is not even allowed to visit our home because of the proximity to the town park.  Keep in mind he has no hands on offenses and there is only one state residency restriction that applies, which says he can not live near a school.  We are over a mile from the school but right next to the park which is surrounded with an eight foot chain link fence.   The federal probation office is the ONLY one telling him he can not live there.  Local law enforcement does not care.  He is a minor blip on their radar of potentially highly dangerous criminals. 

We have accepted that fate and are trying to move on with our lives, but here comes the problem again.  So many of the nicer properties that I have been interested in, upon further examination, are located within a house or two of some kind of park.  So we do not even bother to look at those, while others we have liked and are no where near a park, probation has come back and said that it is too close to a church or some mysterious ball field that is on some old map.  Again, there are no legal reasons for us not be able to live anyway at all, it is just the interpretation of one office and a small group of individuals. 

We have no where to go to fight this without possibly facing ramifications from an angry judge and we have all had more than enough court rooms to last a life time.   So we sit in a state of limbo, under separate roofs, still not really living as a family. 

Other properties we like are in other counties that publish all offenders names and photos on a website regardless of their level.  Level I's here are not supposed to have their information available to the public, but as long as the communities do not publish their exact address then they are within the law.  After fighting to get a Level I designation there is no way we would move somewhere where my husbands photo and name would be published on the internet.  Again putting limitation on where we could possibly live.

Some my say that my husband deserves this, after all he broke the law, but why doesn't the world care where murders live or where drunk drivers might be on the road.  He did something wrong, served his time and is now trying to rebuild his life, when does the punishment end?  How long will it be before politicians can make rules indicating where you can live because of your history, religious beliefs, or even political beliefs?  Only time will tell how far things go before the majority starts to push back to protect the minority or future of their own freedoms.  

Summer vacation

So much is going on that it sometimes seems impossible to find the time to sleep let alone update everyone on our progress.  Or maybe because it does not feel like there has been any progress.  But I do know that we are moving forward.  It may be in small, baby steps but it is moving forward none the less. 

To begin, we are all still living separately and have our house for sale, keep your fingers crossed, we have an offer and are just waiting for all the final approvals to come through.  However that means that sometime in September the kids and I will be homeless since we have not found anything that is suitable or in our financial window.  We have lost out on two homes already that someone swooped in with cash in hand...if only!  We have now started looking outside our school district expecting to pay the tuition for our old district so my kids can finish their high school education since they will be a junior and a senior this year.  The ironic part of all of this is my husband will still have a place to live and it will be the kids and I who are out on the street so to speak.  We have a few to look at this week and are hopeful that the one we really want is within our reach.  It would offer us everything we are looking for and everyone seems excited about it. 

It has been a busy summer for all of us.  I spent over one week traveling with my daughter for all her softball.  Between college camps and out of town tournaments we covered many miles over a short period.  But the highlight would be one Sunday afternoon when my husband was granted permission to attend her games.  He had not seen her play since she was in community ball and had never seen her play school or travel.  I think he was blown away by the skill and dedication of not only my daughter but of all the young ladies on her travel team. 

My husband was also given permission to travel out of state to visit our son at college.  He had the opportunity to visit the campus and see the community that my oldest son now calls home.  It was a chance to spend some time with him and be part of a family again outside our home community and the dark cloud that comes with it. 

So no great changes or major movement in our situation but things are getting better bit by bit.  My husband is following his guidelines and working through the system.  And as he does so, he is earning the chance to be included more in what the kids are doing on a day to day basis.  Once the housing situation is settled, I know I will feel much better and then get to look forward to a normal life once again. 

Fill'r Up

  When you are running out of gas, you know all you have to do is find the nearest gas station and fill up, assuming of course that you have money to buy the gas.  When you are hungry, if you are like any one of my teenagers, you find yourself standing in front of the refrigerator looking for something really good to eat.  (I am not sure teenagers know how that food gets there, they just know it is there).
My question is, where do you go to fill up when you are running out of hope? 
   We all have reached that point when we don't think we can go on any further.  The faith that gets us up out of bed every day just isn't there any more.  The promise that things will change for the better has moved us to where we are but that promise is not there any more.  Where do we go to fill back up so we can keep getting up and moving forward?  It is not something we can buy in a store, and we can not go to a cupboard to refill what is missing.  Can we be re-energized by talking with friends and sharing our discouragement or reading a book or passage that suddenly speaks to our soul and offers us the insight that we needed?  Do we reflect on others whose situations are far worse than our own, because no matter how bad we feel our lot is, there is always someone going through something far worse?  Do we walk into a church and pray that we are infused with all the strength and courage that we seem to be lacking? 
  Recently I found myself feeling hopeless.  Feeling that things are never going to change and that we don't seem to be making any progress become the dominant focus for a time.  This is not the first time I have felt this way and I am certain it will not be the last, as I expect to live a very long life.  I have great sympathy for people who find themselves living with these feelings everyday.  What a sad way to walk around feeling such despair. And for those people I would strongly encourage you to seek a medical professional to get help.  But for someone like me, who likes to think that I have a positive outlook most of the time, it can seem disheartening,  To have a feeling that you have little control and nothing seems to be getting better can feel like swimming against a current that is stronger than you and it just keeps pushing you further back allowing no progress.  Where am I supposed to go to get restocked on all my hope and faith that things are progressing and moving forward. 
    What is the science behind humanity and our need to look forward?  We all want to hope for a bright future and to live happily ever after.  How do we cope when that is not the case?  What makes us get up every day and keep moving in the midst of disaster and distress?  When the most horrific things happen in our lives most of us find a way to get through it and move beyond it, even at times making the best of an awful situation. 
  Where does that power come from?  Why does it ebb like the tides?  Some days feeling like you can conquer the world and other days not wanting to come out from under the covers.  Is it a belief in something greater, a God, something beyond ourselves?  Is it the idea that it can't always be bad?  Is it in knowing that others have made it through difficult times as well? 
   I can not begin to speculate the actual answer.  I am not even sure that there is just one answer.  I do know that even though it may seem bleak and dark one day, it will not stay that way.  Time moves forward, the clock changes as well as the seasons.  Night always becomes day and the sun eventually comes out after a storm.  Life is full of both good and bad and it is in experiencing the bad that we can rejoice in the good and the happiness that it brings.  I get up every day looking at the joy in my life and not focusing on the bad.  I suppose if I always looked for the bad that is all I would see but I have way too many things in my life that bring me joy to focus on the not so good.  That is a choice for me.  Happiness is a choice.and is purposeful.  My children, my husband, my family and friends, my pets, the sun shining or listening to the rain on the roof are my joy and that is where I go to refill my tank.  They give me hope and renew my faith that all is well and live is worth getting up for every morning.