You would think that after all this time I would get over the feelings of grief and loneliness that was such a large part of my life early on, but there are moments when I still feel those emotions as strongly as I did in the beginning.
Sitting at my daughters basketball game last night I had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. There was absolutely no apparent reason for these feelings, it was just a wave that came over me. I was there alone, watching her game, and she was even winning. Maybe that was exactly why I felt that way. It was just another event that my husband would never get to see, it was a once in a life time moment that he will not be a part of. That feeling never seems to go away. I spend everyday living my life knowing that these moments are times that can never be recreated, they are moments that he will never be a part of or be able to carry the memories with him.
This morning as I was getting ready for work and the kids were already in school this awful feeling washed over me, making me feel like I wanted to sit in the middle of the floor and just cry. Cry for the loss that we all feel for this time that will never be repeated. Five years really is a small amount of time in the frame of my life and the stage I am at, but five years is such a long time in the life of a pre-teen. For them it is 1/3 of their life and it is such an important part of their development that I wonder what impact this loss will have on my children and their future. My youngest has discovered (at least for now) that he loves being on the swim team and my children were selected for a special honor from the church, where they will be honored at a special service next month, my husband will not be there. My youngest is so excited and wants to share with Dad but finds the words escaping him in his e-mails and tries to save everything for what few minutes he might get on a phone call.. Some things can not be fully relived via a limited phone call, e-mail, or letter, these are times only captured in my memories.
Even in my joy at being able to get to this point of the five years, to keep things normal for my kids and keep a roof over our heads, I still miss having the one person who is supposed to be my partner in my life. I celebrate life and do not wallow in self pity, but there is always that underlying feeling. Most days I am very good at burying it and focusing on the positive, but there are those moments when the ugly bubbles to the surface.
I am dog sitting for a friend and when the dog started barking in the middle of the night, a tremendous feeling of dread settled in the pit of my stomach. Normal people might worry that someone might be trying to break in, or that there was a strange animal outside the house, I however, was worried that the police were lining up outside my home, getting ready to burst in with guns drawn. I doubt that those feelings will ever go away, although the rational me knows that it would probably never happen again in my lifetime. The vulnerable me, the me in the middle of the night, or the me that no one in the world will ever see, still has that fear, feels my stomach move up into my throat, feels my heart stop beating and my palms start sweating at the sound of a foreign car in the driveway or headlights on the wall late at night. No amount of rational thinking will ever make those feelings go away, but I keep my fears to myself, no sense scaring anyone else.
So to those who think that things will get easier, I say "no". However, I do think I have become better equipped to handle things. I don't share my life with anyone anymore because I think they are done hearing about my family's incarceration, so they just believe the happy fairy tale that they see. And really that is OK with me too for the most part, I don't need to spend my time focusing on just one side of my life. Besides, that is what I see my counselor for.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Surviving the Holidays Alone
Yeah! I did it! Another holiday season has come and gone and I survived. I guess I must be getting better at everything although I do not feel like it is all that easy.
As much as I dread putting up the Christmas decorations, because much of it I do alone, I do enjoy seeing the lights and feeling the holiday spirit that comes from having them up. For the last few years we have had an artificial tree, which truthfully makes the holiday much easier. I am not sure I would even get a tree if I had to go out, pick one, lug it home, bring it in and then try to put it up. I will admit I love the smell of fresh pine but a good candle will do the trick just as well. No tree to water and no needles to clean up either.
We actually have 2 trees, one comes out of the box and has to be completely assembled but the other already has the lights on and is in 3 pieces. Over the last few years I have become quite efficient at packing the ornaments away. One or two boxes and everything is out for each tree, set up is as easy as possible and so is the pick up but it is still something else I have to do while still trying to do all my other responsibilities. I think about every decoration I put up knowing that I will have to eventually put them all away.
I struggle with making a nice Christmas for the family with keeping my sanity and not trying to do everything. It is a battle that I sometimes feel I am winning and then others I am loosing. Because of the age of the kids, they are mostly teenagers and sometimes (all the time?) take what I do for granted so it feels like I am pushing a boulder up hill and not making any progress. I get upset that they do not seem to appreciate all that I am trying to do and let them know that they would miss it if I did not do it at all, but truth be told, I would miss it too.
But I think I achieved a level of success this year. There were presents under the tree, thanks in part to some friends and gifts from their father thanks to Angel Tree. I did not get as much help as last year but that is a good sign because that means that I am doing better on my own. Each year it gets a little bit better, not necessarily easier. Christmas day was nice, we got to spend it with special friends, although Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas were difficult. I think that may be because things were quieter on those two days. Too much time to think about what we were missing.
The relief is that we are one year closer, and one more holiday down before my husband comes home again. It seems that we are always measuring things by counting backward. It does not seem as bad to think that after one more Christmas he could be home again, instead of thinking that we have two more years left. Trying to keep everything positive is a stressful and difficult task but one that I strive for everyday.
It may be a compliment that other people forget how difficult things still are for us, it means that we are putting our best faces on and moving forward. But that too becomes difficult to deal with because they forget that our lives are different and that we can not be who we used to be or who they want us to be. But that is our lives, always changing, always learning, and hoping to succeed and come out of this as better individuals forming one unified family.
As much as I dread putting up the Christmas decorations, because much of it I do alone, I do enjoy seeing the lights and feeling the holiday spirit that comes from having them up. For the last few years we have had an artificial tree, which truthfully makes the holiday much easier. I am not sure I would even get a tree if I had to go out, pick one, lug it home, bring it in and then try to put it up. I will admit I love the smell of fresh pine but a good candle will do the trick just as well. No tree to water and no needles to clean up either.
We actually have 2 trees, one comes out of the box and has to be completely assembled but the other already has the lights on and is in 3 pieces. Over the last few years I have become quite efficient at packing the ornaments away. One or two boxes and everything is out for each tree, set up is as easy as possible and so is the pick up but it is still something else I have to do while still trying to do all my other responsibilities. I think about every decoration I put up knowing that I will have to eventually put them all away.
I struggle with making a nice Christmas for the family with keeping my sanity and not trying to do everything. It is a battle that I sometimes feel I am winning and then others I am loosing. Because of the age of the kids, they are mostly teenagers and sometimes (all the time?) take what I do for granted so it feels like I am pushing a boulder up hill and not making any progress. I get upset that they do not seem to appreciate all that I am trying to do and let them know that they would miss it if I did not do it at all, but truth be told, I would miss it too.
But I think I achieved a level of success this year. There were presents under the tree, thanks in part to some friends and gifts from their father thanks to Angel Tree. I did not get as much help as last year but that is a good sign because that means that I am doing better on my own. Each year it gets a little bit better, not necessarily easier. Christmas day was nice, we got to spend it with special friends, although Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas were difficult. I think that may be because things were quieter on those two days. Too much time to think about what we were missing.
The relief is that we are one year closer, and one more holiday down before my husband comes home again. It seems that we are always measuring things by counting backward. It does not seem as bad to think that after one more Christmas he could be home again, instead of thinking that we have two more years left. Trying to keep everything positive is a stressful and difficult task but one that I strive for everyday.
It may be a compliment that other people forget how difficult things still are for us, it means that we are putting our best faces on and moving forward. But that too becomes difficult to deal with because they forget that our lives are different and that we can not be who we used to be or who they want us to be. But that is our lives, always changing, always learning, and hoping to succeed and come out of this as better individuals forming one unified family.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Federal Inmates Join the Electronic Age with E-mail
Well as of last month my husband was able to start using e-mail as another form of correspondence. There is a federal law out there that says that all inmates are supposed to have access to e-mail by April of 2011, so if your loved one does not have it yet, it should be coming soon. It is ironic that just last week I was reading an article about Generation Y (anyone born after 1995), that most of them think e-mail is old and archaic. Texting, instant messaging, tweeting, and skype are all much faster and more immediate than even e-mail. Unless of course you get your e-mail sent to your cell phone or hand held device, then you know right away when those messages arrive. Lucky us.
The inmates have to stand in line to use a small number of terminals for a large population. They have also received e-mail accounts for them to move some of their money over to, to pay for the cost of this new service. The clock starts ticking when they sign on and they are charged per minute they spend reading and responding to their e-mails. They can try to check it everyday, but for that last few days at my husbands site, the system was down and when it came back up the lines were too long.
For my kids who are so used to communicating electronically, it is better than writing a letter, addressing an envelope, putting on a stamp and delivering it to the post office. Then waiting for dad to receive it and then reply, reversing the whole process. They sit at the computer, type a quick message and hit send. The hardest part for them is remembering to sign on to the special e-mail link to check to see if dad has sent a response.
I have used it myself and will admit that the speed of the system certainly beats the snail mail, but I am cautious of the system itself. We have been told that all the e-mails are reviewed and knowing that you can never really delete a file, there are just things that I do not want to be part of the electronic footprint that I leave. An old fashioned letter is still my preferred way of communicating. I still look forward to coming home and finding a letter from him waiting to be opened, slowly read, then read again before responding to what he might have written. So I can only imagine that he feels the same given his isolation from the rest of us. One of the corrections officers likes to tease him about "getting some loving" when ever one of my many letters arrives. He was thrilled at Christmas time when he received a whole pile of holiday cards from other families in my group, most of whom he has never met.
So thank you to the Federal prison system for finally installing the e-mail, and I will use it, but for now the personal touch and thought that goes into a hand written note seems to mean so much more to the sender and the recipient that I will continue to support my local United States Post Office. However given the price of postage and the lack of mail they are carrying, I think I may be one of the only people left out there still sending letters the old fashioned way.
The inmates have to stand in line to use a small number of terminals for a large population. They have also received e-mail accounts for them to move some of their money over to, to pay for the cost of this new service. The clock starts ticking when they sign on and they are charged per minute they spend reading and responding to their e-mails. They can try to check it everyday, but for that last few days at my husbands site, the system was down and when it came back up the lines were too long.
For my kids who are so used to communicating electronically, it is better than writing a letter, addressing an envelope, putting on a stamp and delivering it to the post office. Then waiting for dad to receive it and then reply, reversing the whole process. They sit at the computer, type a quick message and hit send. The hardest part for them is remembering to sign on to the special e-mail link to check to see if dad has sent a response.
I have used it myself and will admit that the speed of the system certainly beats the snail mail, but I am cautious of the system itself. We have been told that all the e-mails are reviewed and knowing that you can never really delete a file, there are just things that I do not want to be part of the electronic footprint that I leave. An old fashioned letter is still my preferred way of communicating. I still look forward to coming home and finding a letter from him waiting to be opened, slowly read, then read again before responding to what he might have written. So I can only imagine that he feels the same given his isolation from the rest of us. One of the corrections officers likes to tease him about "getting some loving" when ever one of my many letters arrives. He was thrilled at Christmas time when he received a whole pile of holiday cards from other families in my group, most of whom he has never met.
So thank you to the Federal prison system for finally installing the e-mail, and I will use it, but for now the personal touch and thought that goes into a hand written note seems to mean so much more to the sender and the recipient that I will continue to support my local United States Post Office. However given the price of postage and the lack of mail they are carrying, I think I may be one of the only people left out there still sending letters the old fashioned way.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Surviving the Season Alone
Here we are coming upon our second Christmas with my husband incarcerated, and I am thinking that this season will really not be any easier than last. Christmas still remains his favorite time of the year so with every Christmas carol or Christmas light display I am reminded that he is not here with us. Some things are better for us this year than last and I may be more prepared to handle the emotions of it all, but that does not make the emotions any less. It just means that I am getting better at dealing with them all.
I have plans to spend some time with family and friends throughout the holiday season and those times will be joyous and filled with laughter I am sure, but there will still be the "elephant in the room" at every function and event. There are reminders everyday that I am going through another holiday alone, whether it be wrapping presents alone, attending services without him there or playing Santa in the wee hours of the morning struggling with the contradictions of the lack of sleep and loneliness, and trying to find the joy in surprising the kids with Christmas.
I think people loose sight that our life is anything but normal because we have all gotten so well at hiding that part of our lives from the world. People see us living our lives and forget that having a loved one in prison is a cross that we carry with us every waking hour of every day. Recently a male friend and coach took my daughter to a sports practice, and we joked prior to her leaving about how many people would ask her if that was her father. Human nature did not disapoint, and 3 or 4 people did ask her that question, being the confident young lady that she is, she replied that "he is a coach" and left it at that.
The kids were thrilled to finally be able to send e-mails to their father since the system is finally up and running at his facility. It may not be immediate like regular e-mail but it is yet another way he can stay connected with them. Other families are used to cell phones, instant messaging and texting to stay in touch with other family, but we take a step back in time and are just being told that we can be part of the electronic age. It is through the kindness of family and friends that our holiday will seem normal with gifts for everyone under the tree as I sometimes silently struggle to pay all the necessary bills and still have money to buy the groceries and gas to get me to work. But these are things that remain hidden to the general public and are not part of their everyday lives so they look at us from the outside and things appear pretty normal.
My ultimate goal this year is to NOT have a beakdown on Christmas day, maybe save it for the quiet time when everyone has gone to bed. I know the emotions are bubbling under the surface so I can only hope for the strength to control them so the world can continue to think that our family is normal and that we are happy all of the time.
I do wish everyone out there, especially those in the same position, a joyous holiday. Make it the best holiday that it can be giving the circumstances that you find yourself. Christmas is a time for hope, love, joy and peace and share that with everyone you know. Hope that your loved one remains safe where ever they are, Love that you already offer unconditionally, Joy that you are alive and your family will someday be whole again and Peace for all the world and that they learn to forgive as only you can truly understand.
I have plans to spend some time with family and friends throughout the holiday season and those times will be joyous and filled with laughter I am sure, but there will still be the "elephant in the room" at every function and event. There are reminders everyday that I am going through another holiday alone, whether it be wrapping presents alone, attending services without him there or playing Santa in the wee hours of the morning struggling with the contradictions of the lack of sleep and loneliness, and trying to find the joy in surprising the kids with Christmas.
I think people loose sight that our life is anything but normal because we have all gotten so well at hiding that part of our lives from the world. People see us living our lives and forget that having a loved one in prison is a cross that we carry with us every waking hour of every day. Recently a male friend and coach took my daughter to a sports practice, and we joked prior to her leaving about how many people would ask her if that was her father. Human nature did not disapoint, and 3 or 4 people did ask her that question, being the confident young lady that she is, she replied that "he is a coach" and left it at that.
The kids were thrilled to finally be able to send e-mails to their father since the system is finally up and running at his facility. It may not be immediate like regular e-mail but it is yet another way he can stay connected with them. Other families are used to cell phones, instant messaging and texting to stay in touch with other family, but we take a step back in time and are just being told that we can be part of the electronic age. It is through the kindness of family and friends that our holiday will seem normal with gifts for everyone under the tree as I sometimes silently struggle to pay all the necessary bills and still have money to buy the groceries and gas to get me to work. But these are things that remain hidden to the general public and are not part of their everyday lives so they look at us from the outside and things appear pretty normal.
My ultimate goal this year is to NOT have a beakdown on Christmas day, maybe save it for the quiet time when everyone has gone to bed. I know the emotions are bubbling under the surface so I can only hope for the strength to control them so the world can continue to think that our family is normal and that we are happy all of the time.
I do wish everyone out there, especially those in the same position, a joyous holiday. Make it the best holiday that it can be giving the circumstances that you find yourself. Christmas is a time for hope, love, joy and peace and share that with everyone you know. Hope that your loved one remains safe where ever they are, Love that you already offer unconditionally, Joy that you are alive and your family will someday be whole again and Peace for all the world and that they learn to forgive as only you can truly understand.
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