Where Do I Find Support?

Part of the reason I started this blog was because when my husband was first arrested, it seemed I had no where to turn for support.  I was looking for support, guidance and words of wisdom from any place I could find it.  When a large percentage of my friends were no longer available for me to talk to, I had to find that support from someone or someplace else. 

I was always an avid reader, but I discovered that I could escape my life by spending time in a fictional one between the covers of a book, but fate intervened when I picked up certain fiction books which seemed to be exactly what my soul needed to hear.  One of the first books I read was by Andy Andrews called "The Travelers Gift".  It was fiction or was it, but there was so much truth and such a glorious message in the story that I immediately felt a deep connection to the story.  Some would call it fiction, or inspirational, or faith based novel, but all I knew was that is was the medicine my heart needed to begin healing. 

"The Travelers Gift" was quickly followed by "The Ultimate Gift" by Jim Stovall.  Again, it was another uplifting tale of how one can change their life for the better no mater where they come from and what is put in front of them.  Both stories were true GIFTS to me.  I have since become a fan or both Andy Andrews and Jim Stovall.  I have many of the other stories they have written and consider myself truly blessed to have discovered these priceless gems.  Andy Andrews recently released "The Island of Saints" under a new title called "The Heart Mender"  and I highly recommend this book for anyone struggling with the idea of forgiving.

I soon began looking for more answers and guidance between the pages of books.  Other novels that became part of the healing for me were about things like finding God in the worst life has to offer, valuing life above all else and not being afraid to die, being aware of the world around us and how we fit into it, viewing the world from another's perspective could change the way we ourselves see the world, and learning to forgive and love those around us in spite of what they may have said or done. 

The list has slowly grown very long and my book shelves keep getting fuller.  I did start by borrowing some from the library but the really special ones needed a permanent place in my home.  I would buy them at book sales or online for the littlest costs as possible.  Some were given to me by caring friends who also found aid in the messages the books offered.

I have since found people to offer support to and get it myself, but I still continue to find many answers and pearls of wisdom between the covers of a good book.  I still like to escape into someone else's life but I have also found many answers there.  For those of you struggling to get through a difficult time I would recommend looking for a book.  We are not alone on this planet and many have gone before us to offer some help along the way, take advantage of what they have to tell us.

Starting the Repairs

Things going fairly smoothly right now.  Keeping busy with summer activities, and enjoying the nice weather before it is gone in the blink of an eye.  Struggling to plan and pay for a visit to see my husband sometime next month.  His parents promised to visit him this past weekend but cancelled at the last minute.  I did not put much faith in them stopping in to see him but still felt bad for him none the less when they cancelled.  What kind of parents can find something better to do than visit their own son at least once a year?  It would take an act of nature to keep me away from my children.

My husband finally responded to my request for an accounting of the things he has done against our family which landed him where he is now.  In his response, he has opened up a dialogue for us to share thoughts, feelings and ideas about what happened and why.  In that, we are trying to work out where to go from here.  He currently is not eligible for any counseling, and based on what he has learned, he is not sure he would partake of it anyway since everything inmates say becomes part of their permanent file.  Nothing is private.  This is our opportunity to begin to repair and understand all the damage that has been done to our family by his choices. 

Communication has always been a short fall for my husband so this is a very difficult thing for him to work on, yet being able to put it on paper and not directly to my face may make it easier to put his real thoughts down.  There has been some yelling, (as much as you can yell on paper) but has been well received by both with an open mind.  Not saying that this will solve all the issues that are floating out there and that when he comes home there still won't be a huge amount of work to do but hopefully it is a foundation to continue to build on.

We have a large amount of time to work through everything, which is good, because in translation and putting your thoughts and questions on paper is subject to interpretation.  What I may want him to focus on, he focuses on something completely different, so in the time we have, we may eventually get through everything we want to and need to.  Nothing says everything needs to be solved right away, in that way time is on our side.

Making the best of what we have been given has become a goal, and a necessity.  Finding joy in the sunshine and the smile on the faces of the children and in a quick 15 minute phone call, that is a special gift I have learned in all of this.  Joy is in the small things that are around us every day, they are there but some people do not every stop long enough to see them.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder?

I am busy finishing up the the school year for the kids and filling in the calendar with all their summer events.  Things like basketball camps, softball camps and all the other leagues that seem to occupy so much of our time.  I am also trying to plan a visit to see my husband in August.  It will have been over a year since we have seen him.  It is an 11 hour drive and obviously requires a hotel stay or two so it is not an inexpensive trip by any means.  I am booking hotels early as I have the money, hoping that I do not get hit with the costs all at once.

But my bigger question for today is, what should we expect?  It has been almost a year and a half since he has been a part of our daily lives and over a year since we have even seem him.  I write everyday and talk to him three times a week for our allotted 15 minutes each call.  But I feel a distance between us.  Not because of anything either on of us has ever said or done, but just because of the physical distance between us.   I try to keep him up to date on everything that is going on with us.  I send a monthly calendar, update him in the letters of all the days activities and try to think of all the important things to tell him when we talk.  Yet when the phone rings I do not want to waste time on silly things and then can not think of anything else to talk about.  I do not want to always be whining and telling him I wish he was here.  I think that only makes things worse.  I am not saying that that does not happen, I just try not to let it happen too often.

He lives in a world that I can not begin to completely understand and may never want to.  I know what he tells me and sometimes even that is too much.  He seems to have friends, keeps busy with his job, and attends all the required classes that will allow him to eventually come home on time.  But our lives are separate, we exist at the same time but not in the same place or even with the same goals at this point in our lives.  I am busy trying to raise three children into adults while working to maintain a minimal standard of living.  He is trying to keep a low profile and do what he needs to get done to come home safely in three more years. 

Time is flying by but at the same time it is crawling.  I measure his time away in the way the kids have changed and it seems like a lifetime ago, but if I look forward at how much longer he has, we are not even halfway to the end yet.

Does all this separation have a greater impact on us all in the long run?  How will he incorporate himself back into our lives?  I miss him tremendously and yet I am anxious about seeing him in August.  We will spend two visiting days with him, what will everyone have to say? 

I am not sure if this is the right way to handle all of this mess, but it is the only way that I know how for right now.  I would love to see him more often but the cost and distance makes it impossible.  So for now this is what we have to do.  My crystal ball is broken so I have no way of knowing that things will work out in the end...I can only hope.

Happy? Anniversary

Yesterday was my second wedding anniversary spent alone.  Days like that bring all the bad feelings right up to the surface.  My husband called early in the day because of his new work schedule and even though it was nice talking to him, those 15 minutes were way too short.  Then, instead of having something to look forward to during the day, it was over before the day had even started.  What more was there to hope for during the day?  I knew there would be no letter waiting when I got home either based on the mail schedule and patterns we have developed, there is usually nothing in the mail on Tuesdays.

But guess what? Life goes on.  Kids off to school, and me off to work, from work off to a baseball game and then before you know it, it is time for bed and the whole thing starts again.  I continue living life as the dysfunctional family that we have settled into.  We are not much different than most single parent households, but at the same time we are still different so it has still been difficult.  We are all still adjusting to our new roles and the expectations we all have for each other.  I never was one to shy away from making the decisions in the house but at the same time it seems daunting to be the one making ALL the decisions and handling everything.

We recently had 2 birthdays in the house and the oldest just turned 16 so he now has a permit and wants to drive everywhere.  In his eyes that makes him more of an adult, but anyone with a 16 year old knows that that is the furthest thing from the truth.  My daughter is officially a teenager now and is constantly going somewhere doing something.  We have a normal sense of chaos all the time which keeps me busy and keeps me from spending too much time thinking.

It is on days like this that I wonder what the future holds for us.  Who will he be when he comes home?  Will he change for the better? or worse? or maybe a combination of the two.  Better in some ways and worse in others.  Am I hoping for too much?  Am I creating an unrealistic picture of who I want him to be?  Like everything else, this will be just something else we will have to work through and hopefully come out with a positive outcome.  Part of me wonders if I am waiting for him now only to have the whole thing fall apart when he gets home and feel that I could have moved on sooner.  We know that there will be a period of adjustment for everyone and how that plays out, who knows.  As adults, we can understand that but what do you tell and expects from the kids?

But life continues for us all, and though I have allowed myself time to ponder the future I do not have the luxury to spend hours dwelling on it, which is a good thing.  I share as much of our lives with my husband as possible and continue to be the glue that is struggling to hold everything and everyone together.  I am told from people on the outside looking in that I am doing a great job but some days it does not feel like it so I appreciate the encouragement.  I will only truly see the fruits of my labor a long way down the road when I have 3 happy, healthy, well adjusted "adults" and a family that is still together and loving each other.