It Has Been a Long and Interesting Road

 I realize that it has been such a long time since I made a post, but I am at a time in my life where things are almost normal and thought it was time to update the site. 

After 30+ years of marriage, three wonderful children, a five year stint in Federal Prison, a long awaited homecoming, a chance to reconnect, a new son in law and grandchild, we are filling for divorce and moving on with our lives. 

There is so much that lead up to this point that it would probably take another ten blog posts to write about all the influences and issues that ultimately found me sitting here typing this.  Yet, I am stronger than I have ever been, so much more financially secure, (which is all of my own doing).  I would have never been able to walk away from a 30 year marriage and think that I could survive on my own, had I not been forced to do it all on my own not so long ago.  And for the record, it was by my urging that we separate and consider ending the marriage.  The time had come and I knew it was coming, I just needed to get my heart and my head on the same page.  

I don't know if he is happy, and have learned over the years that he doesn't register emotions very well, so I am not sure if he even knows if he is happy or not.  I, however, have discovered a freedom and joy in life that comes with leaving the stress and worry behind.  I am starting to live my life for myself.  All the kids are out of the house and living prosperous lives, growing our family with marriages and grandchildren.  I am taking this time to explore the world and all the life has to offer me.  I am doing some traveling, some dating, and exploring new hobbies and spending more time on old hobbies as well.  

My soon to be ex-husband and I are very amicable for a number of reason, one being that no matter what we have been through, he is still the father of my children and we will forever be connected.  I also do not need anymore anger and toxic feelings in my life so I choose to let it go.  Friends think I should hate him but I will leave that for others.  My life is far better treating him with kindness than hatred.  I do not know where life will take him but I wish him only well.

I should take the time and fill in all the gaps that lead us to this place, and I may take that time, one post at a time.  I remember way back in the middle of all the turmoil, talking with another wife who ultimately ended up divorcing her husband, thinking that it was so sad that after all they went through they could not make it work, and yet I sit here in the exact same spot.  Let me tell you, that I am glad, looking back on it all, that things have worked out the way there were supposed to and I discovered that I love me!  That is a gift that only a few people can truly appreciate.  

Planning for the Future

It has been over a year since my last posting here, and for many reasons.  Shortly after my last post I lost a very dear friend in a horribly tragic accident and for a time, my focus was shifted on that loss.  He was a great boss, and citizen of this earth but mostly he was my friend.  Over a year later and thinking of loosing him still brings me to tears.  He was a blessing to me and my family and I believe that he continues to watch over us all.

Then in the spring of this year I lost my Dad.  The dementia was getting harder to deal with, but ultimately cancer took his life.  He is with my Mom and I am sure he is much happier.   So, needless to say, if you have followed my blog, you know that this situation resulted in many more conflicts with my sister.  I feel so sorry for her and the bitterness that she carries with her every day.  It must be polluting her soul.  I could not think of living my life surrounded with so much negativity.  I am here if she ever chooses to reach out but I do not hold out much hope for that, so I pray that she does have people in her life that she can find comfort and happiness with.

But for the rest of us, life continues to move forward.  Everyone is where they are supposed to be.  I have since changed jobs because I could not stay after my boss was gone.  My husband is working and doing well. The kids are all done with high school, the youngest one graduated this past June and is heading into the military while the others two are finding success in college and in life.

I continue to attend our local support/advocacy meetings here locally and doing what I can to help.  I still reply to e-mail and comments on my blog and try to help in any way I can.  But I am not sure there is more to add to this blog without boring everyone to tears with the wonderful "normal" that our lives are now.  We still have issues with probation and the hoops from the justice system but they seem so insignificant from where we were a few years ago.

I have, however been putting some thought into where to go now, and what I could offer.  One of the things that comes to mind is rebuilding our lives.  Everything from finding a new home, making new friends to rebuilding our financial nest egg and retirement.  Everything was wiped out and now we have to start all over again to get to a place that we can still retire and enjoy our lives and families.  I never wanted to be a person who had to work forever because we did not have enough money to retire, but now everything we had is gone.  Slowly, however we are trying to rebuild and maybe that is something I could share with everyone.  So many people have unexpected things come up, or wait too late before they start planing for the future that I think it is something that a large percentage of the population could relate to.  I will keep you all updated.

The Pyramid of People

It was in a friend's comment the other day that I looked back on my last few years and had a revelation, and it is something that I firmly believe.  Call it God's plan, karma, or a divine plan, or what ever label you want to put on it, but it is a truth.  It may be the planning of some greater being or it is our inherent nature to search out what we need whether we realize that we are doing it or not but I know that the people we need most in our lives at any one time are the people we find.

We might rekindle an old friendship, make a new acquaintance or develop a deeper relationship with someone we did not know really well.  But regardless of how they came into our lives, they were there for a reason.

We can all look back on our youth and remember that older neighbor who taught us some of life's greatest lessons or our childhood best friend who helped us get through a difficult experience or just helped get us into all that good childhood trouble.  There are people during every phase of our lives that have touched us and had a greater impact than we could have ever imagined.

My elderly neighbors were the closest thing I had to grandparents, and I learned to appreciate the knowledge that comes with age.  I loved spending hours with them and would choose to be there than with my friends.  To this day, I think of them fondly and still find moments when I miss them.

My high school bully taught me to be proud of myself and not listen to what others thought.  It is out of my experiences with her that I decided to be the architect of my own life and not let others push me around.  I am who I am because of my experiences with her.  Strangely, I think sometimes that I should thank her. 

I found friends who understand what we were going through as a family during a very difficult time and those friends still continue to amaze me and push me to change the world for the better.  A stranger who offered a hug and a gift that I can never thank her for, but one moment that completely changed my life and outlook for the future. 

The people, who for various and seemingly random reasons find themselves in my life, I find share a greater connection than any of us ever thought.  We share common experiences and have so much more in common than what others see. 

Our lives are like pyramids and every connection helps build upon the previous blocks.  The people we meet today, will impact the way we talk and interact with the people we meet tomorrow.  This could be either positive or negative, but it is in our responses to the good or the bad that will dictate whether we build ourselves up or tear ourselves down. 

Lean on those that give you strength, and be that light for someone else down the road.  There is a plan, and you are a piece in another persons puzzle just as others are pieces in yours.  It is in sharing our lives with others that we find the true joy in life. 

Life Gets Better

It has been a busy summer and it has been a while since I posted anything, and although I have a few thoughts in my head which I will share later, I wanted to share some thoughts from the other writer in the family.  My oldest son, the college student, inspires me with his words and character and I thought it is a positive insight to share for all those parents who wonder if they made the right decisions in their lives and pray that their kids learned the important stuff.  The following are his words and thoughts from a proud mom.

Stop being scared

When I am 90 plus years old and I look back at my life, there is really only one thing that I hope I accomplished. I hope I can honestly say to myself that I did everything with a purpose and that I did it with 100% of my capabilities. It’s not going matter how much money I made or how many cool material things I had. If I live the rest of my life with my beat up Ford Focus station wagon but do everything with all I have, well I am going to consider that a successful life.

Doing what I want to do for a career is not going to make me a millionaire. But what will make me feel like I won the lottery are the friendships and relationships I attain over my life. Whether it be the close friends I have now or maybe new ones I am going to make in the future, I hope after all is said and done, I can have just a small impact on their lives for the better.

Being a husband and father is such an amazing thing that I can not wait to experience but I also know that it will be one of the hardest things I do and one of the most important things I do as a person. Relationships are tough, you have to work at them everyday and some days it is going to be rough. I think I am going to be great at being a husband and father because I am not going to run away when things get tough. If you know me, you know that if I do something I am 100% invested. It is not going to matter if we are two miles away or 900, I won’t ever give up.

Life is too short for faux relationships or friendships. Many people believe me to be a dick or that I have no regard for others but that couldn’t be more from the truth. I push the people around me to be the best they can be.

One of my many faults is not recognizing others accomplishments. I tend to downplay things others do because in my mind I think they can do better because I never settle for average so why should you? My sister could have gone 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs and a double in a softball game and the first thing I would say is why didn’t you go 4-for-4? Or maybe my brother won three of his four events at a swim meet and broke a record, I would say how come he didn’t win all four and break the record by more? Do I do this because I’m not proud of them? NO F-ing way. I do this because, even though it is not attainable, we should all be striving for perfection.

This drive for perfection is why I think I will be a great husband and father one day. Relationships are not perfect and being a father is not an exact science and I will try every day to be perfect. Now, I am not planning on this happening anytime soon but when it does happen, I am going to be ready.

It’s funny how in sports most of the great athletes in this country fail more times than they succeed. Baseball players that succeed just 3 out of 10 times end up in the hall of fame and that is exactly how I see relationships. You are going to fail more times than you succeed but it is the times you get it right that are worth it all. When I look back on my life I hope my few triumphs will overshadow all my failures.

Part of me wonders how people go through life in such boring ways. Why not take that chance instead of playing it safe? Why do people run away from things because they are scared? I don’t know but I guess for me, I am going to take that chance or instead of running away, I am going to run towards it and give 100% of me. I understand that is not for everyone but what kind of way is that to live your life? A wise man once said that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, well even if I shoot 10 times and make only 1, that’s still a better percentage than the people that don’t shoot at all.

There is no playbook or rulebook for the game of life, we as humans learn from our failures and how can we fail, if we never take those chances?

Letting people in is a chance that I never took and it is one that I am working on. Although it continues to blow-up in my face, the chances are in my favor that one day, I am going to let someone in and it is going to be the best decision I have ever made.

I am not afraid of failure. I am afraid of not trying. One day when I look back, I am going to be proud of my failures because those failures make all the good I did that much better. The world is scary place but I refuse to run from things that scare me, I will stand up and embrace them, care for them, love them...

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” 

   

The Importance of Character

Recently I had the honor of sitting through an awards ceremony for my daughter.  She was required to submit an essay as well as two other peoples essays about her character.  Out of almost 200 other applicants and seven different levels of review, she was chosen to be one of three winners for this academic year. 

It was one of the most uplifting two hours we have spent in a long time.  Everyone greeted us with such kindness and seemed genuinely excited to meet her and her family.  It was truly an evening to "honor" the recipients as well as a very proud parent moment.  Life is good.

Now, beyond the fact that my daughter was receiving this scholarship and award, I was impressed by the caliber of the organization sponsoring the award, other attendees and the speakers.  They spoke of the quality of a persons character and all the traits that contribute to a persons positive character.  One speaker sent out a challenge to everyone in the room to always ask "Am I making the wisest decision based on my previous experiences and where I want to be in the future?".  We were told that we are all leaders and even the most introverted person will touch the lives of another 100,000 people in their lifetime. Though we are not perfect, we should strive to be a person of good character because when we are gone from this earth, people won't remember what kind of car you drove, how many things you could buy or what kind of clothes you wore.  They will remember what kind of person you were and how you lived your life.  Others will remember that you were a person of good character, a person of virtue, determination, humility, truthfulness and perseverance. 

The components of good character is a long list and one that challenges us every day.  I wish that everyone made choices and lived their lives based on the quality of their character.  It would be wonderful if we were all judged based on our character today and not by the style of car we drove or the size of the house we lived in.  How we live our lives and treat those around us should be so much more important.  I am proud that all my children are young adults with great character and I am reminded that I too should strive everyday to be a model of great character for those around me.  What a wonderful world this would be if we all cared about character.

We All Should Care About Incarceration

My eyes are open now.  Things that I would never see or care about now are so much more important to me.  I am tuned into a side of life that a majority of the population turns a blind eye to.  So I ask, when are we going to start caring about our justice system and how it affects so many more people than just the offender. 

Everyday I learn about a new family just beginning the journey that I am on and my heart breaks all over again.  The hurt, the loneliness, the darkness all come back in an instant.  Then I look at how far we have come and I am able to look upon my life and know that I am blessed. 

Part of why we were put here is to help those that follow.  I spend a portion of every day keeping up on the new developments, political issues or the e-mails from friends.  I am actively involved in trying to fix a system that is both misguided and broken.  It is like rolling a large boulder up a hill but there are days when we make some progress.

My question is, when is the rest of the world going to wake up to the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?  When are people going to realize that using incarceration as a solution for every problem will only lead to greater problems and issues for our society down the road?  Even some politicians are beginning to see the light that mass incarceration is not the solution. It is time to understand that this will eventually effect us all in some way.  Some of us are directly touched by it, while tax payers, businesses and governments will feel the side effects of a population that is tainted with "prison time" on their resume. Incarceration is funded with tax dollars as well as social programs to help the families and the newly released who can't find work. I would much rather have my money going toward treatment to prevent re offending than simply punishment. 

As Christians, the Corporal Works of Mercy teach us to feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, clothe the naked, shelter the homeless, visit the sick, visit the imprisoned, and bury the dead.  And the Spiritual Works ask us to instruct the ignorant, counsel the doubtful, admonish the sinners, bear wrongs patiently, forgive offenses willingly, comfort the afflicted and pray for the living and the dead.  It is not a salad bar that you should pick and choose which to follow.  Each one is just as important as the next.  Yet as a society we forget the imprisoned and are slow or even unwilling to forgive at all.  Forgiveness should not depend on the degree of hurt and every soul deserves a chance to change and be a better human being. 

I do not sit in judgement.  That is not my job.  I am too busy trying to raise my children to be fine, charitable, successful and grateful adults.  I can put my head down at night knowing that I have been there for someone who really needed me, someone that society shuns or scolds for their past.  My world if full of joy, and happiness and yes, many ex-offenders.  

A Point of Light Brings Hope

I read a lot!!  I read books when I find the time to sit and enjoy them.  I read for work, for daily necessity and I read to stay informed.  These days I find myself reading about politics and issues related to my family and our situation.  I care and I want to change things and to do that I must learn all there is to know.  Part of my daily routine is to read all the relevant articles about sex offenders.  Articles about their management, recidivism, restrictions, and hope for the future when common sense wins out.  What, do you not think there is hope for the future?  Oh but there is.

Take a look on any given day to the headlines that continue to falsely scare the public of the evil of all of those labeled as sex offenders.  Read the articles about how politicians are protecting us and saving our children by passing legislation that says sex offenders can not live near us.  Watch the eleven o'clock news highlights about the sex offender, who committed his crimes 15 years ago, served his time and has been crime free since, but now he wants to live three doors away from a church with a day care center.  Make sure you listen and learn that his crime was not even against a child but someone is in a uproar over where he wants to live.  Turn on your radio and hear about the group of high school students who will now be labeled as sex offenders all their lives because one of them sent "bad" photos to the others.

Now, after you have listened to the media on how horrible all these sex offenders are, and how dangerous it is to have them living among us, take a breath, clear your head and look for the hope.  Take the time to sit back and start reading the comments.  A greater percentage of the comments are in support of common sense thinking.  The true facts and statistics come out in the comments from the general public (not the media).   The reason these restriction and laws don't make sense is spelled out to share for those looking to be enlightened.  Now there is still the occasional draconian comment to kill or castrate them all but they are becoming the exception rather than the rule.  This recent entry for Grits for Breakfast is a great example http://gritsforbreakfast.blogspot.com/2015/04/texas-voices-standing-against-sex.html.

Is it because people are educating themselves about the high costs of government and  how funds could be better spent?  Is is because the general population is suddenly concerned about the welfare of those labeled sex offenders?  Or is is because as another day passes, more and more people are being personally affected by these laws and restrictions?  As the sex offender population grows so does the size of their advocacy groups.  More wives, mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and children suddenly have skin in the game.  They now care. 

I don't really care why the tide seems to be turning, I just feel that it is.  Eventually the media and politicians will have no choice but to start listening.  What is now a quiet whisper will someday be a deafening roar.  So there is hope for change, you just need to look for it hidden within the dark.  

Hoping for a Judgement Free World.

Is it a pipe dream?  Am I fooling myself and being naive?  Why do we live in a world where people feel the need to put labels on each other and then make judgements based on those labels?  Since the historians started recording the happenings around them, we have learned that people have used labels for each other and then used those labels to persecute others. 

Labels are based on wealth, color, religion, political party. beliefs, histories or sexual preference, and too many more to list.  Then we make assumptions on someone based on that label.  If your poor, you are viewed one way, and if your rich, you are viewed another.  We hate and fight with others based on their religious beliefs especially if they are significantly different. 

You would have thought that the civil war, or the civil rights movement would have taught us that judging others based on a label was not an accurate way to view others.  North or South, Black or White, we are all still human beings walking this earth waking up every day, trying to make the most of what we have.  We all make mistakes, struggle to find our place in this world and laugh or cry when things happen.  We are no different whether we are old or young, rich or poor, or married or single. 

Am I always right?  Is the way I choose to live my life better than the way someone else lives theirs?  It is not my place to judge or tell them they are wrong.  I love to engage people and talk about our differences, learn why they do what they do and make the choices that they do.  In an open dialogue we both learn and can grow. I am not so arrogant that I think my ideas and opinions are the only ones.  I live my life learning and growing every day.  I do not assume that I have all the answers. 

So my question is, why do so many people find it necessary to stereotype?  They like or hate someone before they have even met them simply by a label that we have in our minds.  I would love to live in a world where people are treated by how they treat others and live their lives and not the religion they follow or previous choices they have made.  I make my choices by my own experiences with people, not from a label or what someone else tells me and because of that, I have many outstanding individuals as friends that I may never have met.  My life is richer having these people in my life.  Our common interests bring us together and our differences enrich our lives by sharing and teaching. 

Would I feel this way without my own history?  I was always one who wanted to make my one impressions of people, not believe rumor or what other people say.  But I do think my history has made me more aware of the labels and being less judgmental.  I have come to believe that it is not my place to judge how others live there lives but it is my responsibility to live my life the best way that I know how.  Doing that requires my full attention and a great amount of energy anyway.  My life is too short worrying about others, I would rather relish in the joy of my own. 

I Find Myself Surrounded

Looking back to 2008 I would have never believed that I would find myself where I am today.  I believe that all my past experiences have prepared me for the place and the people in my life.  I know that this journey is by design and not random and I am fully prepared to make the most of all that I now know.

Years ago, I was like most of the population who believed the garbage that came from the press about sex offenders and how awful they all were.  Any one with that label was someone that my children were advised to steer clear of and to be vigilante of strangers.  But now I know the facts and the truth and the reality of anyone being labeled a sex offender.  But, in truth, the irony in this is not that I know more sex offenders because of my husband or because of our support group, I now know more sex offenders because of people who are in my life for a variety of reasons.  Another family member finds himself on this same path only for different reason, a friend of my daughters and a friends boyfriend are examples of a few. 

I find myself as the navigator for the family members because this is a road well known by me with all the pitfalls, twists and turns that lay ahead of them.  If not for my experiences I would not be able to offer them anything except my prayers.  But now, I am fully armed with so much information that I do not know where to begin with all there is to share.  The young man had so much going for him and knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life, but now that is all changing.  He is a fine young man and one I respect and trust, and hope that he does not let this drag him down.  I hope that all will turn out well and that he will rise above it all only to find success on a different path and that he does not let any future label define him. 

My daughter's friend is young enough to not really understand the tough road ahead of him, although he has carried the sex offender label for a few years already.  He is still struggling with the judicial ramifications of his initial crime.  But he knows that within our family, no judgement is passed on anyone based on a label.  He knows that he can freely talk to me about any issues that he is facing at any given time.  He has taken the time to overcome his own discomfort to share his story with me and I believe that he finds a small comfort in having another place to turn. 

I am not actively looking to surround myself with sex offenders, but I am finding more and more of them in my daily life.  I am not sure if it is because there are more and more people labeled as sex offenders or if they are being placed in my life for other reasons.  Maybe it is because I come across more open and accepting but for what ever the reason, I am prepared.  It is not an area that I ever thought I would be an "expert" in but I am always available to help any one who needs some help.

In truth, it scares me that I can name so many people I know that are on the sex offender registry.  All of whom are great guys who made mistakes, paid the price and are now trying to move forward.  What does that say about us as a society, when we find safety in putting a label on someone who will most likely never commit another crime?  I would wonder how many of us would be amazed to discover that co-worker, friend, or family member, who is a great guy, is actually a sex offender.

  

Settling In

About a month ago already (wow time flies) we closed on the new house and moved in to our new one as a whole family.  Is it my dream home?  Initially I would have said no, but thinking of the bigger picture and where we are in our lives, I would now say it is a perfect fit. 

The house is a bit bigger than our old one, but it sits on a smaller city lot.  That just gives us lots of room inside and less lawn to mow, which is more time to spend doing fun things.  The house is 100 years old and is full of character.  There is so much we can do with it and over time make it our own. 

The kids seem very happy with the new place and their new surroundings.  Their old school district has granted them permission to finish out their education within the old school.  That helps make the move better too, with no big educational changes. 

So the big question is, how are things going?  Surprisingly well.  There are adjustments in the household that will fix themselves as the kids now have two parents under one roof.  But already I have noticed some positive signs of everyone fitting into their respective roles.  Probation has come through without incident so things are good there for now. 

The difficult part comes into play due to the treatment program that my husband is expected to attend.  He is at a point in the program where he is being challenged and asked to do things out of character for him, but yet they are things that are necessary for him to grow and moved beyond the feelings and emotions that put him in the awful place he once found himself.  It is difficult for me to see him struggling with life long habits and being forced to change.  It is hard for me to watch him struggle with these challenges when I fully support what the program and his counselor are trying to do.  He feels that they want to see immediate changes, but it is difficult to change a lifetime of behavior with a blink of an eye.  I don't believe that they expect overnight miracles, but just want to see that he is making the effort and doing the work. 

Just like settling into a new home, creating a new way of dealing with life"s struggles takes time, patience and perseverance.  It seems to be a never ending task until one day you look around and there are no more boxes left to unpack, furniture has been replaced many times, kids have come and gone and your on your third color of paint in the kitchen.  Changing and becoming better people is a job that never has an end we just wake up one day and realize we are different than the person we used to be, and hopefully for the better. 

Lessons of A Lifetime

There have been so many lessons that I have learned over the last few years that I sometimes find myself sharing those lessons with friends who are going through their own difficult situations.  When we find ourselves in the middle of a series of life changing events, we don't measure then against what someone else may be going through, we just feel that this is the worst thing that could happen and no one could really understand our feelings.  You can't look at someone and say that my life is worse than yours, it just does not work out that way.  However, the lessons that we learn from our own experiences can be a tool that we can share with others, in the hopes that their burden can be lightened. 

Recently a friend of mine found himself in a very bad situation with his wife and family.  His wife decided she was tired of being a mom and left the family.  My friend has been struggling with his love for his children and the daunting task of now being a full time parent and full time provider.  On top of that he is trying to find the best way to deal with his wife and her relationship with the family.  He is a strong man and I have no doubt he will succeed in ways that he can not begin to see right now but in the meantime he is full of anxiety over his life.  It is here that I have been able to offer some of the things that I have learned in my own personal journey. 

We can share stories of our own feelings of inadequacy, but understand that we still have to get up every morning.   I can now assure him that at some point in the future, things will be good again and he won't remember the exact day that things improved, he will just notice it one day.  Getting through it one day at a time it the best approach and not to worry too much about tomorrow.  Things will eventually work out. 

Forgiveness is a daunting process but one that is worth it for his health and sanity, and worth more than staying angry at those who wronged us.  We think we get more from being angry but in reality the anger only affects us and not the intended target.  It is one of the hardest things to work through but so worth it.  No baggage to carry and you will find that you can wake up with a smile. 

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of how much you are loved.  If there are people in your life who want to help, that is a sign that people believe that you are worth their time and attention.  Don't think that you have to do it all by yourself to prove that you can succeed.  Our friends and family offer their support, take it.  It may be a humbling experience but a gratifying and wonderful one at the same time. Some of my greatest moments have been linked to someone else reaching out a helping hand. 

In working through our own problems we find ourselves as role models and inspirational to those around us.  We don't realize it but everyday, people in our lives are watching how we live our lives and make choices based on what they learn from us.  They may never say anything to you, but know that you are being an inspiration to someone, even if it is our children. 

I have come to believe that we learn the most valuable lessons in life in times of adversity.   These difficult times are when we are shaped and molded in the adults that we are intended to be.  Sharing these gifts are just another way to pay it forward. 

Too Much Drama

I suddenly realized it has been a while since I have posted, but it seems that the drama never ends. We received an offer on our home and did some major house hunting so we would have a place to live when ours sold.  We did not find exactly what we wanted, but we were still very happy with our choice.  It gave us a chance to rethink how we plan on spending our time in the future as the family grows and changes.  Turns out we won't be spending hours mowing the lawn...haha, but the house is a beautiful American Foursquare that we are excited to put our touches on.  And it comes with room for everyone to visit and sit around the table laughing.

As we were progressing with all the requirements for the purchase of our new home, we did not hear anything about our buyers, I became concerned and questioned our realtor.  She said not to worry, and one week later I see that our listing status is now changed to active again.  I got a text from a friend who has a family member who was excited to see the house because they thought is was sold.  I told her "So did I".  My realtor then informed us that the buyers pre-qualified financing didn't happen.  Now our house has been sold twice with the buyers backing out for one reason or another.  There goes our January closing date.

However, we just had two people come through the house and both loved it.  One has submitted an offer (not good) and we have countered and we are hoping the other family submits some kind of offer quickly.  Either way, that pushes back our closing our our new home.  But after all this time what is one more month?

The time has been good. The wounds are slowly starting to heal.  When we are all together it feels like a whole family.  The white elephant in the room is shrinking.  The only thing left is to get us all under one roof.  The old adage that nothing worthwhile is ever easy seems to hold in everything that we do.

There was so much more to this story, issues with the purchase of our new home, that we thought we might loose it as well but that all seems ironed out.  There is no way to put into words the emotional roller coaster that we experience just in one day sometimes.

But on another good note, a friend recently informed me that her loved one had his designation hearing for his SO level and received a level I.  I was just as excited for her as I was for my husband when we heard the judge give him a level I.  Here in New York, level Is stay off the public registry and some counties don't even post your photos so it makes life a bit easier.  This is after the Probation Department had informed us and her family as well that you could not fight the designation and most of the pornography guys were getting a level II designation.  We fought, and we won.  They fought and they won.

The message today is to keep fighting for what you think is right.  Nothing will happen overnight but eventually things will change.  As more people push back, the swell gets bigger and hopefully others start to learn the truth and that is when we see the real change.  

I'll Care When You Care.

Do I care that the federal government is stripping away civil rights when it may be prohibiting travelers from entering or leaving our country?  Everyone is running around worried about illnesses that might be brought into our country so they want to close the boarders.  Or maybe the government should limit travel.  They could prevent US citizens from traveling freely around the country and the world.  How dare the government impose on it's citizens, this is a free country after all.  Or demand that the government close the boarders and keep out all foreigners and travelers so we stay safe. 

Should I care that the government wants to limit the number of firearms we can carry or possess, or put restrictions on the type of gun and ammunition that can be used?  Gun rights activists are in an uproar over the government saying you can not own a gun that shoots 100 rounds in the blink of an eye.  The battle cry is that it is against everything the constitution stands for.    

As citizens we demand so much from our government, protect me from outside invasions like illnesses but don't stop me from my constitutional rights.  Everyone wants their government to take care of all of their needs but don't step on any of their rights in the process. 

Well, to all you out there screaming right now about the government in your lives, I tell you that I will care about what the government is doing with your civil rights when you wake up and care that right now, today, in this country, our government can legally tell people where they can and cannot live.  They can tell people they have to move, or that they can not buy or rent a home in certain places.  Never mind the freedom to travel between countries in your free time or to own a small armory in your home, lets talk about the basic right to a place to call home. 

When the general population starts to care that the government can regulate where those labeled sex offenders can live, then I will start to care about all those other rights that everyone is so outraged over. The basic right to have a home trumps the freedom to travel in my leisure time or stockpile weapons.  Trying to sell our home because the government says my husband cannot live there because he could look out our windows and see the park.  Never mind that legally there are no residency restrictions in our community that would prevent him from living there just a government employee who supposedly has that power.  We have to sell our home and find a new place to live but that new place cannot be near a school or within site of a park, playground or any other place children may hang out.  It is amazing how many pieces of property fall within these guidelines.  It has been a process that so far has taken over a year and hopefully has a near end in sight but who knows right now. 

So to all of you who claim to support the constitution and scream when you feel your rights are being infringed upon I challenge you to get outraged when anyone's rights are being violated, not just those you deem worthy.  Most of the people on the sex offender registry never touched a child or another human being and have already been punished in some way for their crime.  Let them have the basic rights of every citizen, a place to call home.

As a warning to you all, there is a list of sex offenders out there, some communities want a public list of gun owners, or a list of child abusers, drunk drivers, drug users,  or domestic violence offenders .  It won't be long before everyone's rights will be whittled away and the government will be inside everyone's home.  Because when you tolerate it for one class of citizen it won't be long before the power hungry believe that you are a risk to their well being and deserve to have your rights limited as well.  

A Mother's Final Lesson

Five years ago this week was one of the worst weeks I have ever had to live through.  It was in my urgency to get a call to my husband to inform him that my mom had passed away that I discovered he had been sent to the SHU (Secure Housing Unit) for getting in a fight.  I had to face the passing of my mother without the presence of my husband as well as worry for his safety. 

It was a difficult time and as with most families there is always turmoil between family members, and for me it is with my sister.  She certainly did not do what she could to make the best of the situation for any of us.  If she could stir the pot, she did and as is often the case, I just back away and let her go.  I did put my foot down about a few things that I felt were important and I managed to do it with out yelling or insulting anyone. 

It took me until the morning of the funeral to finally speak with my husband and find out what was going on.  I had called the facility numerous times and would not get an answer or a call back.  I could not even get a confirmation that I was calling a good phone number.  It was just as we were heading out the door for the funeral that I finally got the call and he told me rather quickly, what had happened. and where he was. 

I volunteered to speak at my mom's funeral, and I was told that I did a fine job.  I was proud to be able to offer some last words for my mother and share some of my memories.  Spending time with my extended family was a blessing and a salvation.  I am not sure how I managed to get through it all with my blood pressure in the normal range and still getting moving every day but laughing with all my family is always something to cherish.

My husband ended up spending about 30 days in the SHU and completely missed another major life event.  I could not even speak to him because of the limited phone privileges they have when they are in the SHU. Much later he shared more of the story and divulged the extent of his injuries, which I am glad I did not know at the time.

Here I am, five years down the road, and my life is in a much different place.  We are all moving further and further away from that time.  Slowly our lives are changing.  Yet there are days when I wish I could pick up the phone and still call my mom.  I go visit my family home, and nothing is the same but no one can take my memories.  Sometimes I wonder if it was her final lesson for me,  if I could survive all that in one short period of time with everything people were expecting from me, I could survive anything.  I like to think she is with me and is proud of me, how far I have come and how I have handled all that has been thrown at me.  Peace.

Just Laugh!!

I can cry or I can laugh and there are days when I can do nothing but laugh.  Last week my husband got a call from the temp agency early Monday morning and was told not to return to work.  He had been terminated for attendance issues.  HAHA.

He had ten and a half months of employment with the same company through this temp agency and had never been late or missed a day of work.  He had however missed the time that he was required to attend his sex offender counseling.  Which he had gotten an OK through the actual company as long as he provided documentation that he was attending counseling.  He had a written note for every counseling session that he missed work time for.  And the kicker is, he had not missed any work in over a month since the counseling had finally added a day session that he could attend.  His direct supervisor is dumb founded.  He was one of her best employees and told him that no one will even discuss him with her.  She wanted him back and does not understand any of this.  She was aware of his counseling and she had also been given copies of his doctor's notes. 

He has filed for unemployment but we are waiting for the temp agency to fight it based on a work issue and not just lack of work, but we are fully armed with all the supporting documentation.  Back to the grind and working full time to find another job.  Unemployment would be nice but we are not counting on it.  The up side is he now has more current, real life work experience. 

So I say again, I could either laugh or cry.  Today I choose to laugh!!!  There is something better out there, I have to believe that.  The housing situation has not changed, no one is interested in our house and he is still living with friends.  It is all beginning to wear a bit thin, but I am trying to keep positive thoughts.  School is back in full swing and looking forward to my second senior year and college shopping.

Wake up, go to work, keep a family together and keep positive thoughts everyday and laugh.  Laugh in the face of adversity.  I should be laughing all the time then...lol.

Please, Just say something!

As life is attempting to return to something resembling normal, things come up that we have to choose how to respond.  Things most people would never give a second thought to, but for us required a split decision.

Case in point, we had the opportunity to spend our long weekend with my brother back at my childhood home in the mountains.  We had a wonderful weekend hiking the mountains, doing some touristy stuff and being out on the lake in the kayaks.  It is a reminder that certain things in life are back to normal.  I had prepared some meals ahead of time that would only require a crock pot or oven time and we needed one or two items to complete one of the meals.  We headed out to the grocery store, and in the many years since leaving there I don't think I have ever run into anyone that I knew, that is until this weekend. 

We had barely walked into the store when I saw one of my best friends.  We had stayed close for many years after high school, through weddings, children and on.  We had always tried to carve out some visiting time when ever we would go home for a visit.  But then things changed.  My life was uncertain for a time and I was unsure about what everyone knew.  Traveling became harder alone and it was during this time that my mom passed away as well.  My friend came to the calling hours for my mom and she was very kind but we did not really get a chance to talk.  Nor did she ask either, how my husband was doing or even where he was.  I could not be sure that she even knew what was going on in my life.

So back to this weekend and there they are in the store right in front of us.  Do we turn the other way and avoid them or try to talk to them and see what happens?  I could not walk away, I called out to them and greeted them with hugs and smiles.   We all talked for quite a while in the middle of the grocery store trying to catch up.  There were separate conversations going on for a time so I did not hear all that my husband talked about and visa versa. 

It was not until much later in a quiet moment that my husband told me that her husband had apologized to him.  They knew all about what had happened and they fully supported him.  But at the time they did not know what to say or if they should reach out to me.  At the time, it was wonderful to hear of yet another rational person who was still supportive of my husband and know that they is hope for humanity.  But there was an aching in my heart that wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, that I needed to hear that all those long years ago.  A card that said thinking of you, or an e-mail that said call if you want to talk, anything would have been better than nothing.

Why is it so hard for us to reach out and just let someone else know that we are there for them.  Are we afraid that they will take us up on our offer of help and then we are stuck?   Are we afraid of not knowing what to say or we will look stupid?  That we will upset them or hurt their feelings?  Some small words might have made such a big difference back then for both of us.  No one will know how much easier it would have been for me to know I had a few more people in my corner or it would have given my husband another person to communicate with while he served out his time.  

The point of all of this is to implore everyone out there, in those awkward situations when you avoid saying anything because you don't know what to say, just say something.  Say you are thinking of them, praying for them, offer to help in any way, even just a hug could say all that needs to be said and I guarantee you will feel anything but small and stupid.  And your words may seem insignificant to you, but you will never know the power and influence that they will have on the person hearing them at a time when they are most needed.

No, You Can't Live Where You Want!

If anyone had told me a few years ago that a small handful of people would be able to dictate where I would live I would have never believed them.  I would have argued with them and told them that this is not a communist country and our government is not so involved in our everyday lives.  Well guess what, I would have been the one who was wrong.

It has been over a year, and my husband is not even allowed to visit our home because of the proximity to the town park.  Keep in mind he has no hands on offenses and there is only one state residency restriction that applies, which says he can not live near a school.  We are over a mile from the school but right next to the park which is surrounded with an eight foot chain link fence.   The federal probation office is the ONLY one telling him he can not live there.  Local law enforcement does not care.  He is a minor blip on their radar of potentially highly dangerous criminals. 

We have accepted that fate and are trying to move on with our lives, but here comes the problem again.  So many of the nicer properties that I have been interested in, upon further examination, are located within a house or two of some kind of park.  So we do not even bother to look at those, while others we have liked and are no where near a park, probation has come back and said that it is too close to a church or some mysterious ball field that is on some old map.  Again, there are no legal reasons for us not be able to live anyway at all, it is just the interpretation of one office and a small group of individuals. 

We have no where to go to fight this without possibly facing ramifications from an angry judge and we have all had more than enough court rooms to last a life time.   So we sit in a state of limbo, under separate roofs, still not really living as a family. 

Other properties we like are in other counties that publish all offenders names and photos on a website regardless of their level.  Level I's here are not supposed to have their information available to the public, but as long as the communities do not publish their exact address then they are within the law.  After fighting to get a Level I designation there is no way we would move somewhere where my husbands photo and name would be published on the internet.  Again putting limitation on where we could possibly live.

Some my say that my husband deserves this, after all he broke the law, but why doesn't the world care where murders live or where drunk drivers might be on the road.  He did something wrong, served his time and is now trying to rebuild his life, when does the punishment end?  How long will it be before politicians can make rules indicating where you can live because of your history, religious beliefs, or even political beliefs?  Only time will tell how far things go before the majority starts to push back to protect the minority or future of their own freedoms.  

Summer vacation

So much is going on that it sometimes seems impossible to find the time to sleep let alone update everyone on our progress.  Or maybe because it does not feel like there has been any progress.  But I do know that we are moving forward.  It may be in small, baby steps but it is moving forward none the less. 

To begin, we are all still living separately and have our house for sale, keep your fingers crossed, we have an offer and are just waiting for all the final approvals to come through.  However that means that sometime in September the kids and I will be homeless since we have not found anything that is suitable or in our financial window.  We have lost out on two homes already that someone swooped in with cash in hand...if only!  We have now started looking outside our school district expecting to pay the tuition for our old district so my kids can finish their high school education since they will be a junior and a senior this year.  The ironic part of all of this is my husband will still have a place to live and it will be the kids and I who are out on the street so to speak.  We have a few to look at this week and are hopeful that the one we really want is within our reach.  It would offer us everything we are looking for and everyone seems excited about it. 

It has been a busy summer for all of us.  I spent over one week traveling with my daughter for all her softball.  Between college camps and out of town tournaments we covered many miles over a short period.  But the highlight would be one Sunday afternoon when my husband was granted permission to attend her games.  He had not seen her play since she was in community ball and had never seen her play school or travel.  I think he was blown away by the skill and dedication of not only my daughter but of all the young ladies on her travel team. 

My husband was also given permission to travel out of state to visit our son at college.  He had the opportunity to visit the campus and see the community that my oldest son now calls home.  It was a chance to spend some time with him and be part of a family again outside our home community and the dark cloud that comes with it. 

So no great changes or major movement in our situation but things are getting better bit by bit.  My husband is following his guidelines and working through the system.  And as he does so, he is earning the chance to be included more in what the kids are doing on a day to day basis.  Once the housing situation is settled, I know I will feel much better and then get to look forward to a normal life once again. 

Fill'r Up

  When you are running out of gas, you know all you have to do is find the nearest gas station and fill up, assuming of course that you have money to buy the gas.  When you are hungry, if you are like any one of my teenagers, you find yourself standing in front of the refrigerator looking for something really good to eat.  (I am not sure teenagers know how that food gets there, they just know it is there).
My question is, where do you go to fill up when you are running out of hope? 
   We all have reached that point when we don't think we can go on any further.  The faith that gets us up out of bed every day just isn't there any more.  The promise that things will change for the better has moved us to where we are but that promise is not there any more.  Where do we go to fill back up so we can keep getting up and moving forward?  It is not something we can buy in a store, and we can not go to a cupboard to refill what is missing.  Can we be re-energized by talking with friends and sharing our discouragement or reading a book or passage that suddenly speaks to our soul and offers us the insight that we needed?  Do we reflect on others whose situations are far worse than our own, because no matter how bad we feel our lot is, there is always someone going through something far worse?  Do we walk into a church and pray that we are infused with all the strength and courage that we seem to be lacking? 
  Recently I found myself feeling hopeless.  Feeling that things are never going to change and that we don't seem to be making any progress become the dominant focus for a time.  This is not the first time I have felt this way and I am certain it will not be the last, as I expect to live a very long life.  I have great sympathy for people who find themselves living with these feelings everyday.  What a sad way to walk around feeling such despair. And for those people I would strongly encourage you to seek a medical professional to get help.  But for someone like me, who likes to think that I have a positive outlook most of the time, it can seem disheartening,  To have a feeling that you have little control and nothing seems to be getting better can feel like swimming against a current that is stronger than you and it just keeps pushing you further back allowing no progress.  Where am I supposed to go to get restocked on all my hope and faith that things are progressing and moving forward. 
    What is the science behind humanity and our need to look forward?  We all want to hope for a bright future and to live happily ever after.  How do we cope when that is not the case?  What makes us get up every day and keep moving in the midst of disaster and distress?  When the most horrific things happen in our lives most of us find a way to get through it and move beyond it, even at times making the best of an awful situation. 
  Where does that power come from?  Why does it ebb like the tides?  Some days feeling like you can conquer the world and other days not wanting to come out from under the covers.  Is it a belief in something greater, a God, something beyond ourselves?  Is it the idea that it can't always be bad?  Is it in knowing that others have made it through difficult times as well? 
   I can not begin to speculate the actual answer.  I am not even sure that there is just one answer.  I do know that even though it may seem bleak and dark one day, it will not stay that way.  Time moves forward, the clock changes as well as the seasons.  Night always becomes day and the sun eventually comes out after a storm.  Life is full of both good and bad and it is in experiencing the bad that we can rejoice in the good and the happiness that it brings.  I get up every day looking at the joy in my life and not focusing on the bad.  I suppose if I always looked for the bad that is all I would see but I have way too many things in my life that bring me joy to focus on the not so good.  That is a choice for me.  Happiness is a choice.and is purposeful.  My children, my husband, my family and friends, my pets, the sun shining or listening to the rain on the roof are my joy and that is where I go to refill my tank.  They give me hope and renew my faith that all is well and live is worth getting up for every morning. 
 

Where is All The Anger???

Over six years ago when the police first raided my home and our lives were put on this unforeseen path I knew and I learned the reasons behind all this, I still knew deep inside that my husband was not a threat to anyone.  Our marriage was not perfect, but I knew that he would never harm another human let alone a child.  I now had the world telling me that he was a monster, someone to shun, someone to turn away from, and someone who should be locked away forever. 

It is in all this that I started to get angry.  I was mad at my husband for not getting help sooner and mad at the pain he inflicted on our family.  But that is not what really made my blood boil.  It is how the system, society, and all the officials now view and control our family.  They can tell us where we can and can not live.  They tell us where we can and can not go for vacation.  They control the time we spend with family and friends and where my husband can work and what hours.  They do not permit him to be a part of our children's lives by restricting him from attending school functions.

Other families in the same situation have been prevented from spending time with extended family members, prevented from seeing their grandchildren and told that they could not travel with family for vacation.  Some are told that they can not spend time with their own children unsupervised. So my question is, where is all the other families anger?  I used my anger to try and change the public's perception of the sex offender label, I try to educate others about the dangers of a pornography addiction and effect change in any way I can, whether by writing a politician or offer support to others going through a similar situation.  Where are all the other angry people?

There are over 750,000 people listed on the sex offender registry, if every person on the registry had parents and a sibling or spouse who stood up for them, that would be a voice of over two million people.  Are all these other family members  content to sit by and watch as the country treats our loved ones as sub human?  Quietly sit by as the government stripes away the civil rights of a select group of citizens.  But that is OK because they are no longer important citizens.  How much longer before the government decides that drunk drivers need to be on a list, animal abusers, former drug users, and gun owners?  If we stay on the current path, the government will not only be in my house telling my family how we can live our lives, but they will be in your home as well.  And you can be proud that you all sat by and let it happen.  By not standing up now, you will be responsible for the government in your home and once they are in there, they will be hard to get out. 

Where are all the other family members fighting for the rights of their loved ones?  Do they just bury their heads in the sand and hope that things will magically change?  Or maybe they don't mind that the government is telling them exactly what to do?  There are so many small groups out there trying to make changes but the politically correct populous is so much louder.  We need voices to teach and share the truth about the real recidivism numbers for this group, share that the research supports that an underage pornography charge does not equal a hands on offense and that many of these guys go on to live productive lives and never re-offend.   Is the fear to overwhelming that they would rather keep quiet than change an injustice? 

Fear keeps many away, but there is so much you could do without putting your face out in the public eye.  Fear of being found out, fear of being harassed by neighbors and fear of being shunned by friends.  I had lived through all that fear, and my greater fear is having my children grow up in a world where our government can plant itself in our private lives and claim it is for the good of others.  Fear that my children will live in a world that civil rights have been slowly striped away and I did nothing to stop it. 

So I say again, where are all those other angry family members?  Why are they not a loud voice out there screaming for the rights of their loved ones?   I can not sit by and not fight for an injustice that has been thrown in my lap.  This is my path to follow, I just wonder where are all the others that should be on this path with me?