Monsters-in-Law Part 1

Since the day I first met my future in-laws I knew they did not like the choice that their son had made, she immediately made snap judgements based on a short visit without really getting to know me first. I remember asking my parents what they thought of my "boyfriend" and my mom told me it was to soon to form an opinion. What a difference. The day of our wedding she cried ALL day long, I don't think she ever stopped.

I have always been polite, kind, respectful and never said a harsh word although I have always been honest with them. I told them that I could not call them Mom and Dad, because I was uncomfortable calling anyone other than my parents Mom and Dad. However, I have never liked the type of people that my in-laws are. My mother-in-law is very materialistic, self-centered, selfish, appearances are everything, a liar and emotionally cold. If I met her as a person she would surely not be someone that I would seek out as a friend. My father-in-law is very unemotional at times, turns to work to avoid confrontation, and also emotionally cold. Although he used to be much more enjoyable to be with than my mother-in-law.

Since my husbands arrest and subsequent prison sentence things have only gotten worse. They had originally told me that anything I needed they would help with, what they neglected to add was that it had to be convenient for them and would not affect their image or perceived life style. They had told their friends that "their son and family had moved to Virginia" just to explain why we would not be visiting and made us seem unreachable. They were no where to be seen on the day of his sentencing, again it would have been "too hard for her", never mind that I had 3 children at home and still managed to be there even though it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. I was there for him, and "There's your sign". They have never really been there for him. They have always been emotionally distant, never offering him acceptance, approval or offering a feeling of love.

So what am I to do now? I no longer have my husband acting as a buffer, what choices do I make? Well, I told her that she can't expect to call me anytime and drop whatever I am doing to indulge in a long drawn out conversation of whatever she wants to talk about, namely her. (I did not use those exact words, I was actually much nicer. Some of that is what I was thinking.) I told her I would call if I had news to share and that she could come up and see the kids any time, but I could not spare the expense of a 4 hour drive to visit them just for 1 meal (2 hours down and 2 hours back) which is all they have offered us since my husbands incarceration.

I have received more help and kindness from co-workers and friends than I have from my husbands parents and that has only shown a brighter light on the emotional scarring that my husband has had to deal with throughout his life. It is not an excuse but it does offer a great deal of understanding.

There is so much more to this story that I will have to continue another day, but the story goes on when they made their first visit to our home since last summer. What an event...to be continued.

Helplessness

What a horrible couple of days. Two days ago was my daughter's birthday, the first family event without Dad. It was difficult because I had very little money to get her anything of significance, but bless her heart, she just thought everything was wonderful. I had to plan everything by myself: attend my son's ballgame, pick up a small cake and wrap the 2 gifts I had gotten for her. In her eyes the cake was the best and it was the best day ever. The real fun began the next morning.

In trying to juggle everything the night before I did not remind my little one to get his homework done, so when he got up in the morning suddenly he did not want to go to school. It did not take me long to understand why, since this is a daily problem for him. From there it only got worse. He could not find a shoe and the clock is ticking. Now I will be late for work, but I sit by patiently waiting for him to settle down and be ready to go. No such luck. He gets in the car crying and complaining and then the truth comes out, "without daddy here, why should I bother?"

I explain as best I can that I am trying to juggle everything and everyone as best I can but he comes back with "Daddy used to help with my homework". By this time he is crying uncontrollably and I am trying to get him to school knowing that I will now be late for work. He continues his rant on the 2 minute ride to school about "I miss daddy, I miss daddy coming to my games, he used to help with my homework, yesterday was the first birthday without him and I miss him" By now I am crying as well. What words can you say that will make it all better for a 10 year old when I can't make it better for myself? We get to school and I pull into the parking lot but not up to the door and I just hug him. What else can I do? He begins to calm down but is in no condition to walk into the school, so I did what I thought was the best thing at that moment, we both left. I held his hand all the way to work (it was asleep by the time I got there but I was not going to move it). He spent the day with me at work, and it wasn't until lunch time that his mood started to improve and the happy, smiling face started to come out. I thought about getting an appointment with his counselor but he has one scheduled next week anyway so I just made sure he finished his homework while we were there, treated him to a slice of pizza for lunch and spent my time with him.

Almost 6 months down the road and you would think that things would be better but yet everyday something comes up that reminds us of the position we are in. Family will be coming this weekend (glad some are, not so glad others are) and I have a small list of things that I need my brother to help with, I need to take advantage of the help while it is there. Yesterday was hard, but we made it through, only 4 more years to go.

Where is Rock Bottom?

Everyone says that things are bound to get better, or when you hit bottom you have no place to go but up. I keep thinking that too, yet I guess I have not hit bottom. Just when I thought things were looking brighter something else happens. I feel like I am in the bottom of a big hole and frantically trying to dig my way out. But all I am managing to do is to move the dirt around in the bottom of the hole making it bigger. I can not seem to figure out what I need to do to start climbing out and up the sides. I am not just looking up from the bottom doing nothing, I am doing everything I can think of, but nothing seems to be working.

Financial issues remain at the top of the list, personal issues, family, work, not being able to visit, the community as a whole, the list some days is endless, and lets not forget dealing with teenagers. Dealing with them when all is right in the world is a monumental task, let alone with all the other stresses in my life. On sentence from the teenager on Mother's Day and I loose it and break down crying because his nasty comment makes me feel like I am failing. He doesn't apologize because that is not cool, and he is still struggling with his own emotions. It is easier to yell and blame me because I am the one who is still there. He can't be mad at Dad because that would get him no where. How do you yell at someone who is not there?

Frustration is the word of the day every day. Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right things? Why can't I see the results of my efforts? Why do I keep falling behind? I am not sitting idly by watching the world spin. I am trying, doing, and going everyday to try and make things better but to no avail. What am I doing wrong?

One small sign or hint of better things to come would be like a golden beacon at the top of that hole showing me where I should put my foot to start the climb. I don't need to know the final destination, I would just like to know what is the next turn I should be making.

Weather Forecast

The sun shines, the wind blows, the seasons change, and life moves on for most. My life seems to be on hold. It is like the movies where the person gets up and relives the same day over and over again until they get it right. I get up every day and go through the motions. Taking care of the kids, taking care of work, taking care of the house, and taking care of anything else that might come up. But am I really living? It doesn't feel like it. Part of me is missing and I keep reliving the same day over and over again looking for that piece.

I know where that piece is, it is in Virginia in a federal prison and will not be back in my life for another 4+ years. So what do I do for the next few years? How do I continue "living" my life in a way that allows me to laugh, enjoy, and grow without feeling like I am surrounded by a fog. I have become much more acute to the wonderful experiences in my children's lives. I have to mentally record every aspect of an event so I can relive that event on paper in my letters. I notice every small detail and record even the tiniest moment. I have taken to bringing a notepad with me to some activities to give a moment by moment description. I feel like a sports broadcaster at their sporting events...swing and a miss! An evening sleep over becomes fodder for a 3 page letter to tell him all about the silly things they do and say.

What is the benefit to me? I have a greater appreciation for the precious time I have with them and the shear joy of watching them grow and change. I am recording moments in a way that most parents would not have the opportunity to or even take the time too. It is frustrating to me when events conflict and I can only attend one event...which do I choose? How do I choose one over another?

The day to day activities that most people take for granted I tune in on, these are the important things of our lives. Remember the first step or the first word, when did we become so busy we forgot to look for the "firsts". I hear the first time my sons voice cracks, or the first time I don't recognize him on the phone. The first time my daughter cleans up the kitchen without me having to ask. The first time my youngest decides to mow the lawn on his own and struggles but will not give up or admit that he needs help. The home run, the perfect game, the first dance are all wonderful but it is in the day to day living that memories are made to be shared.

So I may be surrounded by a fog that is here to stay for a while but I have the fog lamps on and am focusing clearly on those things around me so I don't miss them and neither does he.