Everyone says that things are bound to get better, or when you hit bottom you have no place to go but up. I keep thinking that too, yet I guess I have not hit bottom. Just when I thought things were looking brighter something else happens. I feel like I am in the bottom of a big hole and frantically trying to dig my way out. But all I am managing to do is to move the dirt around in the bottom of the hole making it bigger. I can not seem to figure out what I need to do to start climbing out and up the sides. I am not just looking up from the bottom doing nothing, I am doing everything I can think of, but nothing seems to be working.
Financial issues remain at the top of the list, personal issues, family, work, not being able to visit, the community as a whole, the list some days is endless, and lets not forget dealing with teenagers. Dealing with them when all is right in the world is a monumental task, let alone with all the other stresses in my life. On sentence from the teenager on Mother's Day and I loose it and break down crying because his nasty comment makes me feel like I am failing. He doesn't apologize because that is not cool, and he is still struggling with his own emotions. It is easier to yell and blame me because I am the one who is still there. He can't be mad at Dad because that would get him no where. How do you yell at someone who is not there?
Frustration is the word of the day every day. Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right things? Why can't I see the results of my efforts? Why do I keep falling behind? I am not sitting idly by watching the world spin. I am trying, doing, and going everyday to try and make things better but to no avail. What am I doing wrong?
One small sign or hint of better things to come would be like a golden beacon at the top of that hole showing me where I should put my foot to start the climb. I don't need to know the final destination, I would just like to know what is the next turn I should be making.
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Dear Kate,
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain and frustration. There are black days and not so black days and I'm praying for a good day. Some days I feel paralyzed so I force myself to get going and do one thing and tomorrow will be better and I can do more. We just need to keep moving and keep hope alive. I don't have children but perhaps yours need to write down their frustrations in a blog or a letter to Dad. They need to vent too but not at you. Also, Social Services might have a youth counselor they could talk with.
Look for laughter in anything. I always surprise myself when I laugh but it feels so good when it happens.
Barb
The kids see a counselor as often as I can and she is wonderful but unfortunately she is not with us everyday. I do keep moving even though some days I don't see the point. There are 4 people who are counting on me to keep things together, my husband and 3 kids.
ReplyDeleteI too have moments of laughter and it surprises me when friends tell me that they are glead to see me laughing and having fun, even if it is for a short time.