Looking back on all the years that I have been sending letters and getting phone calls from a Federal Correctional Center I have noticed a definite change in the overall tone of the communications recently. Usually we would discuss what happened over the last few days or what our upcoming days would look like. We would talk about the kids and all their activities. It was simple conversation that was intended to somehow keep us all connected through the time and distance.
But since we are now counting down the time in terms of months and days instead of years the tone of all the conversation has changed. Many of our conversations are still about the day to day activities but with a definite twist, everything is talked about with the thought that it will not be long before we are all in the same state and eventually under the same roof. Some phone calls and letters are all about when he gets home. We talk about each others expectations for the immediate future, what we want and need to make this relationship work beyond this bump in the road and what it will be like to adjust having him home.
I seem to live each and every day thinking that "this is the last time I will have to do this all alone" or "this time next year he will be home". It is not a negative thought but one that seems to cross my mind more than not. Simple things like, "next summer I will have more help keeping the lawn mowed", "these are the last birthdays that he will miss" and "this is the last year I have to plan our family vacation around a prison visit". All are good thoughts but with them comes some anxiety about him coming home. He has seen and experienced things that I can not begin to imagine and I have changed because my circumstances required that I change so we are different people than when he left. There will be period of adjustment and getting to know each other all over so I think we have started laying the ground work for that time in our conversations now. Sometimes there is excitement in our voices when we talk about the future and what life will be like. When we talk about upcoming events and that he might actually be able to attend them instead of hear about them in one of my letters.
There is another period of uncertainty ahead of us, but hopefully it is one of a much more positive experience than the ones in the past. Law enforcement will be a part of our lives again, but like everything else the bad seems to come with the good. I am confident that we will face the future looking for the positive in all of this and be better people in the long run.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Help for Families of the Incarcerated
I have learned so much during the last few years about so many things that I can not look back on this whole experience and say that it was all bad. One of the things that I have learned from maintaining this blog is that there is a great need out there for people in my position to find help. In most cases it is not financial help, but help in some form or another. Whether it be for counseling or support groups that can share solutions or just a shoulder to cry on.
I have to look on this and wonder why there is not more to offer families in my situation. Currently the studies show that the United States has 5% of the world's population but currently house 1/4 of the world's prisoners. That amounts to over 2.3 million people behind bars which is more than any other nation in the world. To put it in simple terms, 1 out of every 100 adults in this country is currently incarcerated and 1 out of every 28 children has at least one parent in prison. With numbers like these, why are there not more support groups out there for these family members? Again, I am not talking about someone just handing out checks or money. I am talking about groups that offer counseling for children with a parent in prison. Studies show that children of offenders have a smaller level of success later in life. Or support for spouses facing a life without a partner and finding themselves suddenly as the head of the household. Suddenly responsible for raising the children, maintaining a home and holding the family together, having someone to talk to can sometimes make a difference, even if it is only for a moment.
One of the hardest things in this journey is the time that many of us spend walking it alone because we do not know anyone else who really understands what we are going through. My friends might nod, give me a hug and tell me that everything will eventually be OK, but they really have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes. They can not offer me advice or tell me that I am on the right path when it is a path they have never been on. Don't get me wrong, that does not belittle any support that they offer, but there is a certain amount of security and comfort when you know that the person you are talking to can completely understand where you are. Ask anyone attending a support group and they will tell you that it is in the shared experience that they find comfort and the support to keep going. The shared theme, draws members to the group and offers a focus that can help the most number of people at any one time.
I get emails and messages from other people looking for help. I can see what people are searching for when they stumble on my thoughts so I know that there are people out there looking, they just have not found each other. There are wonderful groups who help families regionally like Wings Ministry or support families at holiday time like Angel Tree Ministries. I have stumbled across a group here in my area because I refused to believe that I was the only one and had I not found them I would have tried to start my own.
If we as a society continue to incarcerate offenders for crimes that would not require a prison sentence in other civilized countries or continue to demand excessive sentences because we are a vindictive society and want justice at all cost, then we need to look at the bi-product of this culture that we are creating. We are creating a generation that does not have parents accessible and don't assume that a parent in jail for a minor crime can not still be a good role model in so many other areas of life. We are creating a class of children whose economic status is drastically affected with the loss of a parents income. We are role modeling for our children that second chances are not allowed or granted. We are teaching our children that forgiveness and repentance do not have a place in our society. I do not know about you but these are things I surely do not want my children to grow up believing.
Currently the costs to house prisoners in the state and federal systems is over $55 billion dollars (that is Billion). Let's look at less expensive punishments like community supervision, electronic monitoring and mandatory counseling when applicable. These options keep families together, allows the offender to continue paying taxes and be a contributing member of society instead of a drain, allows them to continue paying child support and gets victims their restitution sooner. Let's take a small percentage of that $55 billion and use it for treatment instead of punishment to prevent further offenses. One of the best ways to help offenders become productive members of society is a stable home, let's help keep those stable homes there for them to return to if they must be incarcerated. We can do that by giving as much support as possible to the family left behind. They should not be treated as outcast or assumed to be just as guilty as the offender. Why must the whole family suffer for the bad choices of one?
I have to look on this and wonder why there is not more to offer families in my situation. Currently the studies show that the United States has 5% of the world's population but currently house 1/4 of the world's prisoners. That amounts to over 2.3 million people behind bars which is more than any other nation in the world. To put it in simple terms, 1 out of every 100 adults in this country is currently incarcerated and 1 out of every 28 children has at least one parent in prison. With numbers like these, why are there not more support groups out there for these family members? Again, I am not talking about someone just handing out checks or money. I am talking about groups that offer counseling for children with a parent in prison. Studies show that children of offenders have a smaller level of success later in life. Or support for spouses facing a life without a partner and finding themselves suddenly as the head of the household. Suddenly responsible for raising the children, maintaining a home and holding the family together, having someone to talk to can sometimes make a difference, even if it is only for a moment.
One of the hardest things in this journey is the time that many of us spend walking it alone because we do not know anyone else who really understands what we are going through. My friends might nod, give me a hug and tell me that everything will eventually be OK, but they really have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes. They can not offer me advice or tell me that I am on the right path when it is a path they have never been on. Don't get me wrong, that does not belittle any support that they offer, but there is a certain amount of security and comfort when you know that the person you are talking to can completely understand where you are. Ask anyone attending a support group and they will tell you that it is in the shared experience that they find comfort and the support to keep going. The shared theme, draws members to the group and offers a focus that can help the most number of people at any one time.
I get emails and messages from other people looking for help. I can see what people are searching for when they stumble on my thoughts so I know that there are people out there looking, they just have not found each other. There are wonderful groups who help families regionally like Wings Ministry or support families at holiday time like Angel Tree Ministries. I have stumbled across a group here in my area because I refused to believe that I was the only one and had I not found them I would have tried to start my own.
If we as a society continue to incarcerate offenders for crimes that would not require a prison sentence in other civilized countries or continue to demand excessive sentences because we are a vindictive society and want justice at all cost, then we need to look at the bi-product of this culture that we are creating. We are creating a generation that does not have parents accessible and don't assume that a parent in jail for a minor crime can not still be a good role model in so many other areas of life. We are creating a class of children whose economic status is drastically affected with the loss of a parents income. We are role modeling for our children that second chances are not allowed or granted. We are teaching our children that forgiveness and repentance do not have a place in our society. I do not know about you but these are things I surely do not want my children to grow up believing.
Currently the costs to house prisoners in the state and federal systems is over $55 billion dollars (that is Billion). Let's look at less expensive punishments like community supervision, electronic monitoring and mandatory counseling when applicable. These options keep families together, allows the offender to continue paying taxes and be a contributing member of society instead of a drain, allows them to continue paying child support and gets victims their restitution sooner. Let's take a small percentage of that $55 billion and use it for treatment instead of punishment to prevent further offenses. One of the best ways to help offenders become productive members of society is a stable home, let's help keep those stable homes there for them to return to if they must be incarcerated. We can do that by giving as much support as possible to the family left behind. They should not be treated as outcast or assumed to be just as guilty as the offender. Why must the whole family suffer for the bad choices of one?
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
What does the Future Hold?
You would think that being this close to the end I would feel a sense of joy or even a sense of relief but that is not how I feel at all. It is hard to explain, but I can compare it to seeing something you want on a shelf that is out of reach and having absolutely no way to get it.
It is hard to share these feelings with my friends whose loved ones still have years left to count and we are down to months. They are jealous that we have an actual end date and theirs is still so far in future. I feel guilty for not being more "happy". I am still on pins and needles waiting to hear if the halfway house has approved him for that date. We were told it could take about 2-3 months for that decision to come, and we still have not heard anything. So we wait.
There is also the fear about how our lives are going to change once again. We have lived a relatively quiet existence for the last 4 years and now law enforcement will be part of our lives again. There are so many things that are unknown for us that it puts a knot in my stomach when I think about it all. I am torn between something that I want very badly and fearful of what comes with it.
We have all changed so much in these last years that it will take some time to get to know each other all over again. My oldest is on the way to becoming a man, although he thinks he already is. My daughter and son are now teenagers, they are no longer the young children that they were when he went in. I see changes in them daily that I can not begin to imagine how much they have actually changed over a long period of time. Let's not even consider just the fact of having another adult in the house, another schedule to fit in and body to work around. Not to mention how outside family will factor into everything. Will the house suddenly be full of visiting family or will they allow us the time we need to get familiar without outside influences? Yet there are people who I can not wait to introduce him to.
With the changes in both me and my husband, it will be like getting to know him all over again. Yes, we talk on the phone, write and e-mail but it can not begin to replace the quiet conversations that a wife and a husband share when the house is quiet. Our values, our thinking and our goals have all changed. It does not mean that they are in opposite directions it just means that they are not what we once knew. Will I know what he is thinking when I see a certain look in his eye? I know he will still always choose chocolate over vanilla but there will be a learning period to get to know him all over again. It is a bit scary. I do not even need to mention the intimacy issue. I have been alone for what will be 5 years and now I am suddenly expected to share all the most private areas of my life with someone who is not completely familiar to me. I will be forced to face all new issues about trust and any residual anger that has been buried because I have not had to face them head on...I will soon.
It reminds me of the old ketchup commercial, the anticipation is what I can't stand. Let's just get on with it and forget all this waiting for the shoe to drop.
It is hard to share these feelings with my friends whose loved ones still have years left to count and we are down to months. They are jealous that we have an actual end date and theirs is still so far in future. I feel guilty for not being more "happy". I am still on pins and needles waiting to hear if the halfway house has approved him for that date. We were told it could take about 2-3 months for that decision to come, and we still have not heard anything. So we wait.
There is also the fear about how our lives are going to change once again. We have lived a relatively quiet existence for the last 4 years and now law enforcement will be part of our lives again. There are so many things that are unknown for us that it puts a knot in my stomach when I think about it all. I am torn between something that I want very badly and fearful of what comes with it.
We have all changed so much in these last years that it will take some time to get to know each other all over again. My oldest is on the way to becoming a man, although he thinks he already is. My daughter and son are now teenagers, they are no longer the young children that they were when he went in. I see changes in them daily that I can not begin to imagine how much they have actually changed over a long period of time. Let's not even consider just the fact of having another adult in the house, another schedule to fit in and body to work around. Not to mention how outside family will factor into everything. Will the house suddenly be full of visiting family or will they allow us the time we need to get familiar without outside influences? Yet there are people who I can not wait to introduce him to.
With the changes in both me and my husband, it will be like getting to know him all over again. Yes, we talk on the phone, write and e-mail but it can not begin to replace the quiet conversations that a wife and a husband share when the house is quiet. Our values, our thinking and our goals have all changed. It does not mean that they are in opposite directions it just means that they are not what we once knew. Will I know what he is thinking when I see a certain look in his eye? I know he will still always choose chocolate over vanilla but there will be a learning period to get to know him all over again. It is a bit scary. I do not even need to mention the intimacy issue. I have been alone for what will be 5 years and now I am suddenly expected to share all the most private areas of my life with someone who is not completely familiar to me. I will be forced to face all new issues about trust and any residual anger that has been buried because I have not had to face them head on...I will soon.
It reminds me of the old ketchup commercial, the anticipation is what I can't stand. Let's just get on with it and forget all this waiting for the shoe to drop.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Moving at the Speed of Life
Lately it seems like I do not have the time to stop and breath, being a single parent with 3 active kids, my days are full. Up in the morning getting everyone out of the house, mostly on time, and then off for a full day of work myself. Quick stop at home to pick someone up, grab a bite to eat and then off to someone's game or meet. On the days when I don't have a school activity there is usually something in my own schedule, whether it be a group meeting or trying to find time to get the grocery shopping done.
It is all a blessing right now. It was a full week after the dreaded January anniversary days when the police first came into our home and the day my husband was incarcerated that I realized that I had not even given those 2 days another thought. This was the first year that those 2 days came and went quietly without an acknowledgement. I did think about them early on in the month, knowing that they were coming up, but when the time actually came, I was too busy to remember what those days have brought.
To be honest, part of the reason they slipped my mind this year is because the focus has now shifted for us. We are looking forward to the end of this year when my husband may be closer to home in a halfway house. We are looking forward instead of focusing on the past. There is so much ahead of us that there is little time to spend thinking about the events that have put us here.
Last night my oldest son played his last high school basketball game. I did not even realize that I would never get to see him play again until almost the last quarter when it became apparent that their run was coming to an end. Now we move on to baseball, there are no more sports seasons for him after that. Once baseball is over, school will quickly come to a close and then begins a new time in his life. Another change that brings about big adjustments for us all. Trying to squeeze every moment out of the time that he is home with us keeps me busy and sends my mind in so many different directions.
I am not sure that the old saying "Time heals all wounds" would apply. I am not sure it is the passage of time that allowed me to not acknowledge those 2 awful days or it is just that life is full right now. My fear is that once my husband comes home many of those anxieties and worries will come back up to the surface and I will have to learn to deal with them all over again. But for now I am living for today, looking forward to what the future has in store for all of us. I must maintain a positive attitude because I could never live each day worrying about the doom and gloom. Too many blessings are out there every moment that I would miss.
It is all a blessing right now. It was a full week after the dreaded January anniversary days when the police first came into our home and the day my husband was incarcerated that I realized that I had not even given those 2 days another thought. This was the first year that those 2 days came and went quietly without an acknowledgement. I did think about them early on in the month, knowing that they were coming up, but when the time actually came, I was too busy to remember what those days have brought.
To be honest, part of the reason they slipped my mind this year is because the focus has now shifted for us. We are looking forward to the end of this year when my husband may be closer to home in a halfway house. We are looking forward instead of focusing on the past. There is so much ahead of us that there is little time to spend thinking about the events that have put us here.
Last night my oldest son played his last high school basketball game. I did not even realize that I would never get to see him play again until almost the last quarter when it became apparent that their run was coming to an end. Now we move on to baseball, there are no more sports seasons for him after that. Once baseball is over, school will quickly come to a close and then begins a new time in his life. Another change that brings about big adjustments for us all. Trying to squeeze every moment out of the time that he is home with us keeps me busy and sends my mind in so many different directions.
I am not sure that the old saying "Time heals all wounds" would apply. I am not sure it is the passage of time that allowed me to not acknowledge those 2 awful days or it is just that life is full right now. My fear is that once my husband comes home many of those anxieties and worries will come back up to the surface and I will have to learn to deal with them all over again. But for now I am living for today, looking forward to what the future has in store for all of us. I must maintain a positive attitude because I could never live each day worrying about the doom and gloom. Too many blessings are out there every moment that I would miss.
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