How is Life Normal on One Income?

Most of the time I am contemplating the emotional aspects of my life, but one of the things that effects me most is not directly an emotional issue, although the worry and anxiety that it causes are certainly emotional responses.  How am I supposed to live a normal life with 2/3 of my income gone?

I have read books and sought out advice from other wives and they have helped with the emotions of this new life but no one has been able to tell me how to make one paycheck last two weeks until the next one come.  We were not wealthy by any means and would probably classify us as middle class, so I had the opportunity to take a lower paying job at a small company with great flexibility so I could be more available for the kids.  It was one of the best decisions I could have ever made.  My bosses and co-workers have been very supportive, kind and helpful throughout this whole experience.  I am not sure I would have made it as far as I have without that job to go to everyday and the "friends" that are there and been there for me.  So my husband's salary paid a large percentage of the bills.  With the loss of his regular job we had to make adjustments, but with his new lower paying job we were doing OK.  Even when we had to pay the expenses for two households we still managed to stay afloat until...

When he was incarcerated our whole life as we knew it was gone forever. I was suddenly responsible for a house payment (thankfully we did not listen to the realtor and purchased a home well within our means), all the utilities, and every other possible expense required to raise a family.  It was a major struggle at first, going into Social Services was one of the worst experiences of my life (and the staff there did not make it any easier) and then to find out that I was a few dollars above the cut off to qualify for any assistance was heart breaking.  How was I supposed to be financially responsible for three children?

The retirement money was gone to pay for the attorney and there was no money of significance in savings anywhere. I have money taken out of my paycheck and put in savings so I have emergency money when I need it but it seems that there is an emergency all the time so that money never really grows very big.. I am not really sure how I have made it this far.  I have managed to keep the house payments current, own and sort of maintain two cars with no payments, keep all our utilities turned on and supported a some what normal childhood for the kids. 

But with all that there are times when I feel like I am failing, and I just don't know what to do.  Christmas time is of course a bad time because of all the additional expenses for gifts, food and travel.  Back-to-school is another bad time because not only do the kids need sneakers but they at least need a few pair of jeans and then the unending school supply list as well.  There are points during the year when I know things will be tight and I somehow muddle my way through them.

But I have hit a point now when I don't know what to do.  How do you tell a Junior in high school that you can not afford to send him to his prom?  How do you tell your daughter that you can not afford to pay for the rest of her class trip to Washington DC next year because you can't come up with the balance right now after you have been paying on it all year?  What do you tell your son when he asks for money to take the SAT or ACT exams for college next year?  All this while they still expect to have groceries on the table and gas in the car to get them where ever they need to be.  It would not seem so bad except there is no end in sight for the next three months.    My oldest will want to start visiting colleges soon and how can I afford to take the time off and still pay all the expenses associated with those trips.  And lets not forget the once a year visit that we get to go see my husband and their father usually in August some 500 miles away.

This is only a drop in the bucket of the expenses I feel like I am drowning in.  As I sit here I am in tears because my daughter is upset that we do not have a spare set of AAA batteries in the house so she can finish her homework with her graphing calculator.  Even if I had the time to stop and buy the batteries after work today I am not sure I have any money to spare with a tuxedo rental that needs to be picked up tomorrow.  Seems so silly to feel this way but I am not sure I can keep my head above water in the near future.

How do other people do it?  How do they survive without completely going under?  I shop at the discount grocery stores, which are ultimately cheaper than the large stores using coupons.  I don't buy brand name groceries, store bands are just fine.  Many of our clothes come from second hand stores and there are certainly no big, unnecessary purchases on a regular basis.  So how do I make my little pay check last forever, or look my children in the eye and tell them no you can't have a normal childhood because I can't afford it.  They do not ask for "stuff" any more because they know the funds are limited so why should I say "no" when they ask to do something special.  Unfortunately for me, everything seems to be falling at the same time and with no immediate end in sight.

Could I get a second job?  I suppose I could try but then who would be there for the kids?  Who would make sure they did their homework, ate a balanced meals or made sure that their clothes were clean?  As it is I only see them a few minutes in the hectic mornings and then two or three hours before someone starts to head to bed.  If I was working a second job, who would be parenting my children?  That IS my primary job so I am not willing to give that up.  The house is too small to rent out a room and if you have followed my blog you know my mother-in-law suggested that "I just find some one new" which I am not willing to do.  So that puts me back to my question "What do I do?".

Someone out there must have survived this and lived to tell about it.  I am sure I am not alone in wondering what more I could do to change our situation for the better.  I would love to write an entry sometime in the future explaining to others how I got through this and offer them some path to follow.

Happy (Non)Anniversary

Yesterday was a hard day, it marks my 20th wedding anniversary.  So many feelings to deal with that it is difficult to know how to express it all. 

How do you celebrate a wedding anniversary when there is only one of you?  Is is really a marker of an anniversary?  Should it even be celebrated?  You are still married on paper but very little in your life would look or feel like a marriage.  If you asked people who have met me in the last few years about my marital status, most would probably not know how to answer that question.  Many would respond that they have often wondered about that themselves.  I don't advertise my situation and don't offer an explanation, but I am sure people are curious because I still wear my wedding rings. 

I have a pen pal right now, not sure he could be classified as a husband.  It breaks my heart to think that but he is such a small part of our lives right now that I can not help but feel that way.  I got a card in the mail from him and a phone call but could he have done more?  He is not allowed any money, he is not allowed to call anyone not on his approved list, so what more could he do?  He could have drawn a picture, wrote a poem, copied a poem, or even wrote someone else to ask for help doing something special.  Is it wrong for me to hope he would do something to mark this milestone?  Twenty years is a long time and given everything I have endured on his behalf in the last few years, isn't it something that should be marked with more than a simple greeting card?

Part of the anxiety also comes from thoughts that after we get through the period of incarceration, will we have marriage that survives or will it all start to crumble?  Will we both have changed too much to live under the same roof and be partners again?  There is not a day that goes by that I worry about how prison is changing him.  How is it affecting who he is as a person?  Will he be the same person he was when he went in?  I wonder if he will be more aggressive or even more withdrawn.  Will he be more outgoing or more reserved?  Something as simple as the language he uses and the way he talks could be changed.  What does the future hold for the longevity of our marriage? 

Am I changing too much to have him come home?  I am even more independent than I was before.  Necessity has made me the boss in our home.  All the decisions are mine to make, whether right or wrong.  I have learned to survive on my own.  Will I be able to give up some of the responsibilities and decision making and start sharing all that again? 

We have celebrated other anniversaries while he was incarcerated and with little impact, but for some reason the fact that it is our 20th seems to bother me more.  It should be a time of celebration and honoring the vows that have lasted for a long time, but instead it is a quiet day that passes with no indications that it is anything special.  I used to get a card from my Mom on our anniversary, but that now no longer comes either.  In this day and time when marriages do not last very long, a marriage that lasts should be celebrated.  Maybe our marriage has yet to prove that it has lasted and any celebrations should be postponed until a time when the marriage has reached that time.  A time when it is evident that it has survived the "better or for worse, the richer and for poorer and in the sickness and in health", then it will be time to celebrate.

I hope for a day when our marriage can be celebrated as two people who stuck together, survived the worst, supported each other, changed and grew for the better, and continued to love each other and be partners until death us do part.

A Salute to The Strongest Women in the World

Yesterday was Mother's Day and though I had hoped to have this posted for Mother's Day, the best laid plans never happen.  Busy with spring time sports, birthdays, and general life activities, I don't always get everything done when I want to, but it does get done...eventually. 

Today I wanted to write about all those forgotten, super women out there.  They are the moms that get up every morning and begin their day by putting everyone else first.  Breakfast, fixing hair, making lunches or coming up with lunch money, reminding everyone what they need to take, and making sure they all get to school on time.  Then taking the time to get yourself up and ready to tackle another day.  For me, that means seeing how many loads of laundry I can get done before I finally pull out of the yard and head of to work.  (Work...the place where they actually pay me for what I do, not to be confused with home, where I work all the time with no compensation.) 

Off to work, thinking about all the things that need to get done or accomplished during the day.  Trying to fit as many things in during the day as possible.  How many different messages do you get during the day reminding you that they need something or need to be somewhere?  That might mean running to the store during lunch to pick up a few things that someone mentioned they needed just this morning or planning on trying to stop somewhere on your way home.  But wait, you are not going home tonight.  There are at least two games that you would like to go watch but can only really be at one.  The game closest to home wins.  If you are lucky you get home in time to eat something, notice I did not say dinner.  Sometimes it is just a sandwich, leftovers or just a bowl of cereal.  Homework, sign all the paperwork to go back tomorrow, clean up the kitchen (how can a kitchen that is not used get so messy?) and then it is already time to get ready for bed.    Now is when you reflect on the day and I try to share all the events with the one person who is not here and would be the one person who would be here to help. 

That is a typical day, but that does not include getting more laundry done, mowing the lawn, weeding the gardens, keeping things looking acceptable, grocery shopping, and all the other endless things that a mother is responsible for when dad is incarcerated.  It is such a thankless job because children do not have any concept of gratitude.  You are their mother and you fix everything so it is the most natural thing for them to just assume that you can and will do everything they ask.  They have no idea what it takes some days to do all that they ask.  But you are the Mom and somehow you find the strength and just get it done.  I am told that someday they will appreciate all I have done for them during these most difficult time but in the mean time I will admit that a "Thank you" would be nice once in a while without having to remind someone to say it.  A child does not realize that there is a world outside their own scope of vision so they do not see all that we are feeling and experiencing.  They do not understand the sacrifices that we make every day just so that they can continue living and being as they always have or at least how they think they should.

It is all those special women who hold their families together, be both a mother and a father, fight to keep their families connected, strive to keep their children on the right path, stand up in the face of public scrutiny, face judgment from other people but do what needs to be done, make their lives appear normal to an outsider and find the strength every day to get up and do it all over again that make me proud to be a part of that class. 

Only someone who has worn those shoes can fully understand what it is like to be the wife of an inmate and have to keep going alone so it is all those women that I salute.  Being a mother is hard enough without all the extra things that come with this package, but they are the strongest, kindest, and most loyal people I know and I would love to count any one of them as my friend.

Why State Versus Federal Charges

One of the side effects of my most recent past life is the unplanned exposure to our legal system.  From the day the police first raided my home to about three minutes ago when I was reviewing on of the many sites I visit on a regular basis, my life seems consumed by the flaws in our legal system.

People often ask if I am angry at my husband and I will admit to moments but I am more angry with the current state of our legal system.  I am not saying that he should not be punished for what choices he made, but I am questioning the way the system works and what the ultimate goal of the system is.  My husband was prosecuted through the federal system although we were told that he could have been handed over to face state charges.  He was sentenced to five years in Federal Prison, but he might have only sentenced to probation in the state system or minimally one year. 

Who decides where an offender's case is handled?  Well I recently talked to a Federal Public Defender, and was told that there is no formula or reason why any one case is handled on a Federal level and others are handled in the state system.  There are certain criteria that make it eligible to be handled in a Federal court but once those criteria are met, it is still a human judgement call as to where the case is handled. Just the other day I was reading a news article about a man who was just arrested and the decision was still being made as to whether he would be tried in the Federal system or the state.  The paper quoted that he would probably be tried in the Federal system because he would be face a much stiffer sentence.  Why is it that two people can be charged with the same charge, but end up serving two extremely different sentences just based on the charging court?

There is something inherently wrong with our legal system when how much you serve for a convicted crime is simply decided by a flip of a coin.  The Federal prosecutor gets to decide if this is a case he wants to tackle or one he wants to pass on and let the state system deal with it.  It could be tied to the popularity of the arrest, the notoriety of the defendant, or the ability to put a feather in the prosecutors cap.  Should our system be so arbitrary?  I do not think so.  If it is arbitrary then how can you argue that it is fair?

This leads to the next question about what is the ultimate goal of our criminal justice system.  I can not help but wonder if the true goal of the system has been lost.  On the national news the other morning there was a story about a new federal prison that could not be opened for operations due to budget cuts.  The community was upset about all the jobs that are hanging in the wind without the prison opening.  Everyone was taking about how horrible the community was feeling with the delay of the opening.  I, however, felt nothing but sorrow.  I was thinking of all the families whose loved ones would be facing incarceration at a this new prison.  I was thinking of all the people who are facing harsh sentences based on the whim of one individual and Federal mandatory minimums. 

Our politicians do not want to appear soft on crime and then offer the public the business of corrections.  Prisons become booms to communities suffering from high unemployment.  We can not afford to educate our children but we can afford to build prison and continue to fill them with first time offenders.  For every job we create working in a prison we then remove one person from a family and remove the potential for that person to be a contributing member of society.  Corrections has become BIG BUSINESS.  Politicians fight to get prisons in their district because it means more dollars to their economy and a boom in job growth.  It makes them look good to their constituents.  Guards, support staff, customers, suppliers, construction workers are gain when a prison moves in.  But is this the way that we should be stimulation our economies.  Lets take some of that money and hire counsellors, probation officers, and case workers help those first time offenders stay in their communities, stay with their families, pay taxes, keep working and be rehabilitated without serving time in prison.

Do I think my husbands sentence was too harsh?  Yes I do, based on how he would have been sentenced in a state court.  There are many people out there who may disagree, but then fix the system.  If you think his sentence was appropriate then make the same crime in the state system punishable by the same sentence as the Federal system.  Had I ever thought about any of this before it became a everyday part of my life, no.  But it is only when things touch us personally that we suddenly take a closer look at the world around us. 

Let's get some equality in the system in both the punishment fitting the crime and consistency in punishment across the Federal and state system.   I hope that you will never have a personal experience with the system but please don't wait to get informed and learn what is really going on in the world.