Another milestone that my husband missed and will never get back...I just got back from taking my oldest son to his driver's license road test. He passed! I am thrilled for so many reasons, some are purely selfish. With another driver in the the house that means that I do not have to be the full time taxi driver. The prospect of not having to drop everything that I am doing to go pick some one up or take some one some where actually makes me giddy (not a word you hear very often). But reality quickly sets in when I am hit upside the head with the vision of ONE car in the driveway and THREE different schedules...not counting my own.
Although having another driver will take a small amount of pressure off me, and give my son the opportunity to learn some additional responsibilities, it will still not make a big enough change that I could have some, what do you call it? Free time? I had hopes of using some tax refund money to purchase an additional car and did sock some of it away, but unfortunately I don't think it will be enough to buy anything even remotely reliable. Three kids with too many needs, so I was not able to save as much as I had hoped. I am trying to plan out in my head how I can pinch those pennies until they scream to add to the savings and hope to put enough down on another car within the next couple of months. Hope is a powerful thing even if it seems unrealistic or at least out of my reach.
So here it is, yet another milestone that can never be recreated. I am losing count of all the events that he has not been a part of. Recently all three of my children where honored by the church diocese, a once in a lifetime achievement and he was not there. Ironically, I think one of the reasons they received the honor was because of my husband. Many people had commented on how great it was that the children continued their service to the church even during the worst of the storm that our family was going through. Like it or not, I told the kids, that they are role models for all the other people in the church.
My son will play his first Varsity baseball game, which for him is the highlight of the school year. My daughter will soon play her first JV softball game as the starting pitcher, not bad for an eighth grader. She will also have her first game with the regional softball travel team that she has been practicing with since last fall. My youngest son plays his last season of ball with Little League. Another season is soon to change, if the cold and snow ever finally leave. We are headed into a spring and summer that seem to hold a promise of better things to come.
I am not sorry to see the kids growing and maturing, because as a parent, if I have done my job right, that is what should happen. I love watching them change and evolve. I have recently discovered that my angry teenager remembered how to smile and carry on a conversation. I am rediscovering what a joy he can be to have around while silently dreading when the next one will enter that awful but seemingly necessary phase.
I remember their first steps, their first words and their first day of school and every first after that. As a parent I don't think any "first" is more important than another. There will be a first prom, a first high school graduation and a first day of college for my son. A first real boy friend, the perfect winning season and the next great story my daughter just can't wait to share when she jumps in the car. Time for my youngest son to learn what he likes, what he doesn't like, and which video game he will try to convince me to buy. Some of these are great moments, others are seemingly small, yet of such greater value to me. All of these things can be described in letters, and photos snapped and forwarded, but the true value and meaning can not begin to be recreated to be relived five hundred miles away in a federal prison.
I can only do what I can, I can't change the federal system by correcting all the flaws overnight. I can give my husband as much of our daily lives as I can. I can write down, snap photos and video tape everything that happens as much as possible, but unfortunately things will be lost in the distance and I am not sure those things can ever be recovered.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Communication is the Key to Strong Families
It is funny that I always seem to keep coming back to the same frustrations with the system. I have talked to many people and my husband has contact with many inmates and it seems that the greater percentages of relationships do not last when dealing with incarceration. I can solve the whole thing for you with one word COMMUNICATION! The "experts" claim that the best way to prevent reoffending is a strong family support system and a welcoming environment for the ex-offender to return to. But the practices put in place seem to encourage just the opposite.
I have made a decision at this point to stay with my husband and do whatever it takes to ensure that he can come home to stay with us. I married him for better or worse, (if this is the "worse", I have many years of "better" to look forward to) and I plan on honoring those vows. I am finding that this decision is a constant uphill battle. Usually we have three 15 minute phone calls during one week, I try to write and mail one letter everyday during the work week, and there is the quick e-mail that is available but costs him money every time he is on the e-mail system. And yet with all of these resources, there does not seem to be enough time to tell him everything a father and a husband should know. Having him located nine hours away does not help either. We have been able to see him two times in the last 2 1/2 years.
Everyday when I am driving to work or home I think about all the things I want to tell him; something funny one of the kids did, a recent sporting event where one of them excelled, something nice someone in the community said about him, family updates or just something that I thought he would like to hear. Unfortunately, I always seem to forget something. There are too many distractions when I am writing, too tired by then to remember everything, not enough time on the phone, or trying to limit the lengths of e-mail because of monetary constraints.
There is so much that he is missing, the day to day monotony of daily life. And selfishly I am missing talking to my best friend as often as I would like or need to. I miss sharing my day with someone, complaining about work or the kids or deciding who is going to make dinner and then clean up. I wonder if I have gotten out of the habit of talking about everything and nothing. When he does come home will we both have to learn how to communicate all over again?
Is that what destroys these relationships? It is hard work to keep this up day after day after being mom and dad to three kids. I still have to make time for him every night with a letter. He deserves that much of my time. I was shocked when I learned that he had been told that the letters would eventually stop, who gives up on something so important so easily? It is hard, I will admit that, but being married is hard too.
There are things that the Bureau of Prisons could do to make it easier, but for their own reasons, they believe that what they are doing is acceptable. I would love to argue that point with them anytime. Better locations, closer to families, more monthly phone time and more readily available access to e-mail. I can't even begin to question visiting policies, because that does not factor into our lifestyle enough to be a problem. But I have talked with others to know that visitations do not always go as smoothly as they could based on rules, locations and time of day or week.
Are these offenders being set up to fail when they get out? Are we creating a population that moves in and out of our prison systems to make sure that communities keep their largest employers, employees keep their jobs and companies keep their biggest customers? Why don't we take all the money that flows in and out of the prison system and put it into education. Communities can create new schools instead of prisons, employees can work in the schools instead of the prisons or at locations that offer alternatives to incarceration for the more minor offenders, and companies supply to the schools instead. Thinks about how smart our population would be with all the education if it was made affordable for everyone. We would not need as many prisons because a higher educated population is less likely to break the laws. What an interesting cycle we could create. We would have whole families living under one roof, the number one prevention of crime is a two parent household, and put an end to the vicious cycle of one generation after another ending up in prison.
I have made a decision at this point to stay with my husband and do whatever it takes to ensure that he can come home to stay with us. I married him for better or worse, (if this is the "worse", I have many years of "better" to look forward to) and I plan on honoring those vows. I am finding that this decision is a constant uphill battle. Usually we have three 15 minute phone calls during one week, I try to write and mail one letter everyday during the work week, and there is the quick e-mail that is available but costs him money every time he is on the e-mail system. And yet with all of these resources, there does not seem to be enough time to tell him everything a father and a husband should know. Having him located nine hours away does not help either. We have been able to see him two times in the last 2 1/2 years.
Everyday when I am driving to work or home I think about all the things I want to tell him; something funny one of the kids did, a recent sporting event where one of them excelled, something nice someone in the community said about him, family updates or just something that I thought he would like to hear. Unfortunately, I always seem to forget something. There are too many distractions when I am writing, too tired by then to remember everything, not enough time on the phone, or trying to limit the lengths of e-mail because of monetary constraints.
There is so much that he is missing, the day to day monotony of daily life. And selfishly I am missing talking to my best friend as often as I would like or need to. I miss sharing my day with someone, complaining about work or the kids or deciding who is going to make dinner and then clean up. I wonder if I have gotten out of the habit of talking about everything and nothing. When he does come home will we both have to learn how to communicate all over again?
Is that what destroys these relationships? It is hard work to keep this up day after day after being mom and dad to three kids. I still have to make time for him every night with a letter. He deserves that much of my time. I was shocked when I learned that he had been told that the letters would eventually stop, who gives up on something so important so easily? It is hard, I will admit that, but being married is hard too.
There are things that the Bureau of Prisons could do to make it easier, but for their own reasons, they believe that what they are doing is acceptable. I would love to argue that point with them anytime. Better locations, closer to families, more monthly phone time and more readily available access to e-mail. I can't even begin to question visiting policies, because that does not factor into our lifestyle enough to be a problem. But I have talked with others to know that visitations do not always go as smoothly as they could based on rules, locations and time of day or week.
Are these offenders being set up to fail when they get out? Are we creating a population that moves in and out of our prison systems to make sure that communities keep their largest employers, employees keep their jobs and companies keep their biggest customers? Why don't we take all the money that flows in and out of the prison system and put it into education. Communities can create new schools instead of prisons, employees can work in the schools instead of the prisons or at locations that offer alternatives to incarceration for the more minor offenders, and companies supply to the schools instead. Thinks about how smart our population would be with all the education if it was made affordable for everyone. We would not need as many prisons because a higher educated population is less likely to break the laws. What an interesting cycle we could create. We would have whole families living under one roof, the number one prevention of crime is a two parent household, and put an end to the vicious cycle of one generation after another ending up in prison.
Monday, February 28, 2011
You Should Have to Take a Maturity Test to be a Parent
I have started a couple of different posts this month, but I just can't seem to finish them. This has certainly been a roller coaster of a month. Not a big bad roller coaster, but one that has just enough loop d' loops to leave me a bit unsettled. I have gone from moments of joyful amazement to suddenly finding myself in a situation that takes me all the way back to those original feelings of anxiety and hurt. I have had times when I found myself enlightened only to leave me angry because I did not know this information sooner. The highs and lows somehow seem exaggerated. There are more times that I coast somewhere in the middle but possibly because I have been so in tuned to how I am feeling that I seem happier when I am happy, angrier when I am angry, and lower when I am feeling low.
I had one moment at a basketball game when someone who had not been very nice to me since all this started, came up to me and I was able to say "Hi" and she responded nicely with a smile. I thought that maybe people were finally moving beyond all the bad feelings. It gave me feelings of hopefulness that we could all move beyond this. Then I made the mistake of heading to the concession stand for a blow pop. I knew the people behind the counter, one I knew as an acquaintance and never really had much of a conversation with, the other had been a pretty good friend but had stopped talking to me because I was no longer part of the "in" crowd". It seemed that she had been warming back up to me recently. Well they were out of blow pops so I just asked my daughter for a piece of gum and we left. I joked with my daughter that I am sure they were having a laugh at my expense but we moved on to watch the game. Little did I know how right I was. Another friend whose daughter was working in the stand came up and told her mother that she could not work there anymore because of the nasty things they were saying about me. I was stunned. Not only were these "adult" women talking behind my back but in front of younger children.
Those comments affected me for a number of days and I had to keep reminding myself of exactly what I tell my daughter "do not let it get to you" and all the other things we tell our children as they try to make it through middle school. I do not know the reasons for what they said, but at the same time what they had to say will not change any way that I live my life. I live my life based on what is best for my children. I will attend those games and scream their names and love watching them until I no longer need to be there. It is only at that time that I will not need to enter that judgmental environment where some kids never really grow up, they just become ignorant parents. As a single parent with three kids I have severe limits on my time. I will not volunteer to work or spend hours of my time when it conflicts with the activities that are important to my kids and don't criticize me for not working and say at the same time that you would never call and ask for my help. That just shows how shallow and immature you really are, and you should really be ashamed if a child knows that what you are saying is wrong.
Watching the activities on senior night only strengthens those emotions when I see kids thanking their parents and every other family member who lives in this tight knit community, from grandparents to aunts and uncles. My heart breaks because my son will only have his Mom, no dad will be there. I am not sure that he will even thank him based on his feelings at this point. There will not be any grandparents to thank, no aunts, no uncles, no extended family that comes every week to support them, just me. So having other parents question my choice in how I spend my time effects me greatly because I choose my kids. I don't have the time to spend manning a food booth while my children are having the game of their career. If I am not there watching them, no one is.
It is funny how we are so quick to make judgments about others lives when we know very little about their lives. Whether they be someone who thinks they know you well or someone who you have never said more than a fleeting hello to, who are we to sit in judgment of choices others make in their lives? Should I take a public vote every time I make a decision so as not to offend anyone's opinions of how I should be living my life. At one time I always volunteered and I ran all those stands but not any longer. I am not sure if that is what makes me an easy target, or maybe it is because I am the common enemy. Is who they are and what they say really important? They are not so important, but the lesson in all of this that it reminds me of what and who are the important people in my life and I will stand up against the devil to make sure my kids come first.
There have been so many lessons in all of this, one of greatest ones, and one that I try to pass on to my children, is to not judge others. Ultimately that will fall in God's hands. Judge not lest ye be judged. And it makes my life so much easier. I don't have the time or energy to worry about how other people are living their lives. Maybe I should be flattered that I am important enough to them that they spend time talking about me, because I never think about them!
I had one moment at a basketball game when someone who had not been very nice to me since all this started, came up to me and I was able to say "Hi" and she responded nicely with a smile. I thought that maybe people were finally moving beyond all the bad feelings. It gave me feelings of hopefulness that we could all move beyond this. Then I made the mistake of heading to the concession stand for a blow pop. I knew the people behind the counter, one I knew as an acquaintance and never really had much of a conversation with, the other had been a pretty good friend but had stopped talking to me because I was no longer part of the "in" crowd". It seemed that she had been warming back up to me recently. Well they were out of blow pops so I just asked my daughter for a piece of gum and we left. I joked with my daughter that I am sure they were having a laugh at my expense but we moved on to watch the game. Little did I know how right I was. Another friend whose daughter was working in the stand came up and told her mother that she could not work there anymore because of the nasty things they were saying about me. I was stunned. Not only were these "adult" women talking behind my back but in front of younger children.
Those comments affected me for a number of days and I had to keep reminding myself of exactly what I tell my daughter "do not let it get to you" and all the other things we tell our children as they try to make it through middle school. I do not know the reasons for what they said, but at the same time what they had to say will not change any way that I live my life. I live my life based on what is best for my children. I will attend those games and scream their names and love watching them until I no longer need to be there. It is only at that time that I will not need to enter that judgmental environment where some kids never really grow up, they just become ignorant parents. As a single parent with three kids I have severe limits on my time. I will not volunteer to work or spend hours of my time when it conflicts with the activities that are important to my kids and don't criticize me for not working and say at the same time that you would never call and ask for my help. That just shows how shallow and immature you really are, and you should really be ashamed if a child knows that what you are saying is wrong.
Watching the activities on senior night only strengthens those emotions when I see kids thanking their parents and every other family member who lives in this tight knit community, from grandparents to aunts and uncles. My heart breaks because my son will only have his Mom, no dad will be there. I am not sure that he will even thank him based on his feelings at this point. There will not be any grandparents to thank, no aunts, no uncles, no extended family that comes every week to support them, just me. So having other parents question my choice in how I spend my time effects me greatly because I choose my kids. I don't have the time to spend manning a food booth while my children are having the game of their career. If I am not there watching them, no one is.
It is funny how we are so quick to make judgments about others lives when we know very little about their lives. Whether they be someone who thinks they know you well or someone who you have never said more than a fleeting hello to, who are we to sit in judgment of choices others make in their lives? Should I take a public vote every time I make a decision so as not to offend anyone's opinions of how I should be living my life. At one time I always volunteered and I ran all those stands but not any longer. I am not sure if that is what makes me an easy target, or maybe it is because I am the common enemy. Is who they are and what they say really important? They are not so important, but the lesson in all of this that it reminds me of what and who are the important people in my life and I will stand up against the devil to make sure my kids come first.
There have been so many lessons in all of this, one of greatest ones, and one that I try to pass on to my children, is to not judge others. Ultimately that will fall in God's hands. Judge not lest ye be judged. And it makes my life so much easier. I don't have the time or energy to worry about how other people are living their lives. Maybe I should be flattered that I am important enough to them that they spend time talking about me, because I never think about them!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thoughts From Inside A Federal Prison
I am not writing today's entry, recently I decided that I would put a challenge out to my husband that I thought would be of value. I challenged him to write an entry that I could post from him. I asked him to use his words and give his perspective about what our lives are like right now from his view inside the barbed wire fence. I found some very interesting thoughts in there that even I was not aware of so I hope you find some value in it as well. All that follows is his entry as my guest writer.
It has been two years now since I left my family. I remember that cold, snowy January morning like it was yesterday. I gave my children a goodbye hug as they headed off to school not knowing the next time I would see them. They knew I was headed to court for sentencing. My wife and I headed out for one of the longest 40 minute drives of our lives.
In the courtroom I had the support of my wife and one longtime friend. There was another small group of community members who watched and preferred that I receive the maximum sentence plus some. I had done everything I was supposed to do in preparation for this day and prayed that I would be spared. The judge then ruled for 5 years in prison starting that very day. I was not going home. My wife and I exchanged tearful goodbyes. It felt like someone had just ripped my heart out and threw it away.
For two months I was bounced from one facility to the next until I ended up at my permanent prison. At that time I was finally stripped of my street clothes, they were boxed up and mailed home. I can not imagine how my wife felt when that box arrived.
Then the letters started coming from my wife and remain coming to this day. She records the daily activities for her and the kids and sends photos of all the important moments. I was told by the other guys here that it was inevitable that after a year she would move on. There would be no more letters except the divorce papers. I had not met but one or two other guys that still had solid marriages and began to wonder if they might be right.
Well it has been two years and my wife is my true friend and love. She is focused on the time when I will be released and we can spend time together. I truly had missed the true meaning of LOVE in our relationship prior to coming to prison. I lost touch with my family, faith and respect for myself. I have turned to my faith as a source of inner strength to help me reconnect with who I want to be. I will be a better man, husband, father and friend when I exit these walls. My wife and family deserve that from me.
My wife has gotten connected with a support group that has turned out to be the greatest group of people. I know they have given her the strength to carry on her everyday activities.
My message would be that you do not realize what life provides you until it is taken away. Stop and look at your life and communicate with your loved ones. When you touch your spouse or hug your children imagine having that taken away from you. There are nights when I lay awake wanting to hold my loved one's hand and wish for someone to say that everything will be OK. It never happens and I can only hope that I will see them in my dreams. Life is short and we all need to use good judgement when making choices in life. I know I will.
It has been two years now since I left my family. I remember that cold, snowy January morning like it was yesterday. I gave my children a goodbye hug as they headed off to school not knowing the next time I would see them. They knew I was headed to court for sentencing. My wife and I headed out for one of the longest 40 minute drives of our lives.
In the courtroom I had the support of my wife and one longtime friend. There was another small group of community members who watched and preferred that I receive the maximum sentence plus some. I had done everything I was supposed to do in preparation for this day and prayed that I would be spared. The judge then ruled for 5 years in prison starting that very day. I was not going home. My wife and I exchanged tearful goodbyes. It felt like someone had just ripped my heart out and threw it away.
For two months I was bounced from one facility to the next until I ended up at my permanent prison. At that time I was finally stripped of my street clothes, they were boxed up and mailed home. I can not imagine how my wife felt when that box arrived.
Then the letters started coming from my wife and remain coming to this day. She records the daily activities for her and the kids and sends photos of all the important moments. I was told by the other guys here that it was inevitable that after a year she would move on. There would be no more letters except the divorce papers. I had not met but one or two other guys that still had solid marriages and began to wonder if they might be right.
Well it has been two years and my wife is my true friend and love. She is focused on the time when I will be released and we can spend time together. I truly had missed the true meaning of LOVE in our relationship prior to coming to prison. I lost touch with my family, faith and respect for myself. I have turned to my faith as a source of inner strength to help me reconnect with who I want to be. I will be a better man, husband, father and friend when I exit these walls. My wife and family deserve that from me.
My wife has gotten connected with a support group that has turned out to be the greatest group of people. I know they have given her the strength to carry on her everyday activities.
My message would be that you do not realize what life provides you until it is taken away. Stop and look at your life and communicate with your loved ones. When you touch your spouse or hug your children imagine having that taken away from you. There are nights when I lay awake wanting to hold my loved one's hand and wish for someone to say that everything will be OK. It never happens and I can only hope that I will see them in my dreams. Life is short and we all need to use good judgement when making choices in life. I know I will.
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