We have been home less than a week from our yearly pilgrimage to the federal correction center. Overall it was one of our best vacations in quite a long time...wait a minute...how can a visit to a federal penitentiary be a "best vacation"? I guess it all depends on what you rate them against. It is the one time of the year when for a brief moment we are all together as a family.
Unfortunately we did not get there in time on Saturday to spend any time with my husband, visiting hours technically end at three and with traffic delays we would not be there until two. So off to the hotel to enjoy the sun and some pool time, but early to bed so we could get there first thing in the morning. The earlier you get there the better the chances are that you can get in first thing.
I just love how the federal system works and how the employees run the business. It is a good thing that we do not get to send in customer satisfaction surveys because many of the "employees" would fail. Visiting hours start officially at 8am. We were there at 7:15am and were the sixth visitors on the list for the day. Someone in the group called around 8 to see if they were ready and we were told that they would call us when they were ready. It was after 8:15 by the time they called down and took the first six visitors (that was close!). By the time we turned in our paperwork, went through the metal detectors and put our shoes and belts back on it was after 8:40 before we were pointed to our assigned visiting location. By the time my husband came out it was close to 9am. So much for visiting hours starting at 8.
We stayed the whole time we were allowed, which is basically until 2:30pm when they start encouraging people to leave so everyone is actually gone by 3 so they can go home, even though visiting hours end at 3pm. We enjoyed the wonderful vending machine food that they charge way too much for and contains mostly grease and cholesterol, but the inmates look forward to since it is usually better than their regular meals.
I should feel blessed that my husband is at one of the better facilities. I have heard so many stories from other people about the conditions in different places that we are glad he is where he is, even though it is so far from us. I do hate to think what happens after we leave when my husband passes through the door. Many of you may know exactly what I mean. It is one of those things that I don't want to know about and try not to think about.
From there we began the vacation part of the trip. We spent a few days on the beach a few hours away. Just relaxing and forgetting all our problems and stresses. The weather co-operated unless you count the earthquake and the hurricane but neither of them seemed to put a damper on our trip. We laughed about the earthquake and enjoyed the extra surf that the hurricane whipped up.
I love the ocean but I decided that this is the last year I will go there without my husband. So either I need to figure out a way to get him out before our next family vacation or we don't go until he is home. Not sure what my options are because my daughter has informed me that we NEED to go back next year at the exact same time. Anyone with a teenage daughter can assume that there is a boy involved.
I would even go as far as to say it was almost a perfect vacation. The only thing missing was my husband and the fact that we were not there as a family. But this year as I was watching the sun come up and walking the boardwalk, I still had those feelings of loneliness and despair but this year they were mixed with joy, anticipation and a calmness that I have not felt for a long time. Is it because I really took advantage of the vacation and let go of the stress? or is it because I can look ahead and see that I have climbed the hill and am making my way down. Is the worst over and a real family life is looming somewhere out ahead of me? Positive signs are all around me and they energize me even more to keep trudging ahead.
I still have many once in a life time events to make it through alone, but now I think of all the other events that he will be a part of. It is a small hiccup in time, one that we have all grown from, and one that will forever change who we are and how we live.
So on that note, take some time to watch the sun rise, have a good laugh and just enjoy the now. The pain and sorrow will not last forever, so don't let it have all the power.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Last Federal Prison Visit Vacation?
Getting ready for our yearly visit to see my husband. Getting anxious and hoping that everything goes well for the trip. It has been a year since we have all seen each other and there are always mixed feelings about the visit.
It is hard to believe how much we all change in just one year. Obviously the kids are taller, their faces changed and so do their personalities. The little toddlers and children are slowly being replaced by a six foot tall man with a hairy face when he goes without shaving who has become a graceful athlete, a responsible and reliable working man. A developed young lady who could stop traffic and charm anyone with her smile, the size of her heart and her intelligence. And a little boy who himself is no longer little being only a inch or two shorter than mom, still changing and growing and discovering who he wants to be and how he fits in this world.
I too am nervous about how I have changed. A few more gray hairs. I can say no extra pounds because I fight those everyday but my body is fighting back by changing on it's own. I am a middle aged mom and with that all that comes with it. I am worried that I have changed too much. One extra laugh line, or one more age spot and I won't be who he remembers me to be. I have changed so much emotional, spiritually and mentally too that I wonder if I am still even the same person I once was some time ago. My world has changed in so many ways that who I am and how I live are so different than they once were.
When we sit with him, what do we talk about? How do you relive a whole year in one small visit? We seem to run out of things to talk about but that is because we live and survive in two very different worlds. My world is the world on the outside, trying to be happy and do what is right by those who count on us. With that comes the freedom to go and do whatever we want and the decisions that need to be made in that world every moment that we are breathing. He lives in a world where all the decisions are made for him. What to eat, what to wear, where to be, what to do and what not to do. So much of our last few years, my husband has not been apart of. I send pictures and tell as many stories as I can remember throughout the year, but I know it is never really enough. I cannot begin to imagine how it has effected him, with all that he is missing. Survival is his main focus and doing what he is expected so he gets home as quickly as possible.
Our lives are so different and seemingly unconnected. We cannot begin to know his everyday life and he cannot imagine what it is like on the outside without loosing focus on keeping himself safe, following the rules and working on just getting out. Focusing on the outside hurts too much, it reminds him of all that he has lost and what he will never get back. It does cause him to regret his actions and fuels his will power to survive, get out and make amends for his mistakes. Yet there are so many things, places and people that keep us connected. I feel that connection in the letters, the phone calls and the once a year visits. It is still there and we are trying so hard to keep it there.
There is joy in this visit, because as time progresses and within the federal system, this may be our last big visit to the big house. He will not be home yet this time next year but he will hopefully be preparing to get closer to home. With a son off to college next year, this trip will not be possible but also not completely necessary. Maybe a quick visit in the spring and then he could be back in the area around holiday time next fall. So the seemingly endless sentence that he received does have an end. We are by no means at the end of the tunnel but I can see the light in the distance and with every passing day it gets a bit brighter and bigger.
It is hard to believe how much we all change in just one year. Obviously the kids are taller, their faces changed and so do their personalities. The little toddlers and children are slowly being replaced by a six foot tall man with a hairy face when he goes without shaving who has become a graceful athlete, a responsible and reliable working man. A developed young lady who could stop traffic and charm anyone with her smile, the size of her heart and her intelligence. And a little boy who himself is no longer little being only a inch or two shorter than mom, still changing and growing and discovering who he wants to be and how he fits in this world.
I too am nervous about how I have changed. A few more gray hairs. I can say no extra pounds because I fight those everyday but my body is fighting back by changing on it's own. I am a middle aged mom and with that all that comes with it. I am worried that I have changed too much. One extra laugh line, or one more age spot and I won't be who he remembers me to be. I have changed so much emotional, spiritually and mentally too that I wonder if I am still even the same person I once was some time ago. My world has changed in so many ways that who I am and how I live are so different than they once were.
When we sit with him, what do we talk about? How do you relive a whole year in one small visit? We seem to run out of things to talk about but that is because we live and survive in two very different worlds. My world is the world on the outside, trying to be happy and do what is right by those who count on us. With that comes the freedom to go and do whatever we want and the decisions that need to be made in that world every moment that we are breathing. He lives in a world where all the decisions are made for him. What to eat, what to wear, where to be, what to do and what not to do. So much of our last few years, my husband has not been apart of. I send pictures and tell as many stories as I can remember throughout the year, but I know it is never really enough. I cannot begin to imagine how it has effected him, with all that he is missing. Survival is his main focus and doing what he is expected so he gets home as quickly as possible.
Our lives are so different and seemingly unconnected. We cannot begin to know his everyday life and he cannot imagine what it is like on the outside without loosing focus on keeping himself safe, following the rules and working on just getting out. Focusing on the outside hurts too much, it reminds him of all that he has lost and what he will never get back. It does cause him to regret his actions and fuels his will power to survive, get out and make amends for his mistakes. Yet there are so many things, places and people that keep us connected. I feel that connection in the letters, the phone calls and the once a year visits. It is still there and we are trying so hard to keep it there.
There is joy in this visit, because as time progresses and within the federal system, this may be our last big visit to the big house. He will not be home yet this time next year but he will hopefully be preparing to get closer to home. With a son off to college next year, this trip will not be possible but also not completely necessary. Maybe a quick visit in the spring and then he could be back in the area around holiday time next fall. So the seemingly endless sentence that he received does have an end. We are by no means at the end of the tunnel but I can see the light in the distance and with every passing day it gets a bit brighter and bigger.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Tears of sorrow...and Tears of Joy
Why is it that some of us have one emotional response for both joy and sorrow? I have found that I have cried more in the last three years than all the years of my life to date, that includes being a teenager. Early on I cried at everything, it seemed the world around me was falling apart and I did not know what to do. I cried for all I have lost, what was happening to my family, and the utter despair I was feeling.
I would cry at home, at church, in the car going anywhere or just sitting in the driveway, and every night before I would fall asleep. It was in those tears that I found my strength. It seems contrary to what you might think but I found support from people who truly cared. I found I could hear my inner voice, the voice of God, pointing me in the right direction. It was a release so that I did not completely fall apart and loose total control.
My son hated to see me cry and still hates it to this day, but he is learning that crying is not a sign of weakness. It can be so much more. I had the opportunity to explain to him that when I cry I am anything but weak, would a weak person have gotten us this far? He has become more tolerant of the tears but I also try to be respectful of how it bothers him and try to control the frequency and locations.
However these days I find that my tears are more often tears of joy. How is that possible? My husband is in Federal Prison, my family has been ripped apart, my community does not embrace me as they once did, I am a single mom struggling to raise three children, my immediate family is getting smaller due to aging, and there are days when I feel just as lost as I did on day one. So where do I find those moments of joy? As time passes I am finding more reasons to be happy and joyful.
I had to struggle to come up with extra money to let my daughter participate in a real special sports program and just last week she ended her season with her program. At that last event she started crying because she was sad that her program was ending. She had gotten so much out of the program with new friends, great coaching, and a tremendous improvement in skill that she was saddened that it was all ending for the season. I turned and saw her crying, asked why and suddenly felt such joy in my heart. Was it bad for me to feel joy at the sight of my daughter crying? Normally I would say yes, but if you understand that in her tears of sorrow, I felt that everything I had done over the last nine months, all the sacrifices I had made, all lead to that moment when she was feeling such grief that the program was over. I had been able to give her an experience in her life that left her heart broken when it was over. All my struggles had really paid off and her emotions were the best thanks I could have every received.
A friend recently asked me if I could scrape together enough money to attend a concert with her, I regrettably had to say no. I would have loved to go with her, it would have been a fun adult night away from home. A chance to forget all the bad and enjoy the moment. Oh well...
Until I found out that she asked my son if he wanted to do something nice for his mom and buy my ticket to the concert. He was suddenly asking me if I had any plans on the day of the concert without telling me why. My son was buying my ticket to the concert so I could have a night out and enjoy myself. He doesn't know that I know yet, but I am in awe of what a wonderful gesture it is on his part. He has been working hard this summer at two different jobs and has been very cautious with his money, yet his mom is important enough to spend some of his money on. How can I not be overwhelmed by what he is doing for me?
The joy I feel more and more is the joy I get from seeing all that I have been doing, the struggles and the sacrifice paying off with awesome kids. Everyday I see my kids doing things and being people that I am so proud of. I see them helping others, being kind, being smart, and being happy. It all just reinforces for me that someday the worst will be over, our lives will move on and we can all look forward to a future filled with buckets of tears of joy.
I would cry at home, at church, in the car going anywhere or just sitting in the driveway, and every night before I would fall asleep. It was in those tears that I found my strength. It seems contrary to what you might think but I found support from people who truly cared. I found I could hear my inner voice, the voice of God, pointing me in the right direction. It was a release so that I did not completely fall apart and loose total control.
My son hated to see me cry and still hates it to this day, but he is learning that crying is not a sign of weakness. It can be so much more. I had the opportunity to explain to him that when I cry I am anything but weak, would a weak person have gotten us this far? He has become more tolerant of the tears but I also try to be respectful of how it bothers him and try to control the frequency and locations.
However these days I find that my tears are more often tears of joy. How is that possible? My husband is in Federal Prison, my family has been ripped apart, my community does not embrace me as they once did, I am a single mom struggling to raise three children, my immediate family is getting smaller due to aging, and there are days when I feel just as lost as I did on day one. So where do I find those moments of joy? As time passes I am finding more reasons to be happy and joyful.
I had to struggle to come up with extra money to let my daughter participate in a real special sports program and just last week she ended her season with her program. At that last event she started crying because she was sad that her program was ending. She had gotten so much out of the program with new friends, great coaching, and a tremendous improvement in skill that she was saddened that it was all ending for the season. I turned and saw her crying, asked why and suddenly felt such joy in my heart. Was it bad for me to feel joy at the sight of my daughter crying? Normally I would say yes, but if you understand that in her tears of sorrow, I felt that everything I had done over the last nine months, all the sacrifices I had made, all lead to that moment when she was feeling such grief that the program was over. I had been able to give her an experience in her life that left her heart broken when it was over. All my struggles had really paid off and her emotions were the best thanks I could have every received.
A friend recently asked me if I could scrape together enough money to attend a concert with her, I regrettably had to say no. I would have loved to go with her, it would have been a fun adult night away from home. A chance to forget all the bad and enjoy the moment. Oh well...
Until I found out that she asked my son if he wanted to do something nice for his mom and buy my ticket to the concert. He was suddenly asking me if I had any plans on the day of the concert without telling me why. My son was buying my ticket to the concert so I could have a night out and enjoy myself. He doesn't know that I know yet, but I am in awe of what a wonderful gesture it is on his part. He has been working hard this summer at two different jobs and has been very cautious with his money, yet his mom is important enough to spend some of his money on. How can I not be overwhelmed by what he is doing for me?
The joy I feel more and more is the joy I get from seeing all that I have been doing, the struggles and the sacrifice paying off with awesome kids. Everyday I see my kids doing things and being people that I am so proud of. I see them helping others, being kind, being smart, and being happy. It all just reinforces for me that someday the worst will be over, our lives will move on and we can all look forward to a future filled with buckets of tears of joy.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
God Bless America-Land of the Free
Excuse me a minute while I climb up on my soapbox.
Let me start by saying that I am not bitter with everything that has happened to me but I am certainly much more aware of how our current justice system works and let me say that I am not at all happy with what I see.
I have learned so much more about the American Justice System and how our government works in the last few years than I ever did in any American Government or Criminal Justice class I have ever taken. Let me tell you that my eyes have been opened to how our system works and it is not a pretty picture.
Our current system is a very polluted version of what the founding fathers originally envisioned when they were sitting down writing the documents that our country was founded on. The original Constitution has withstood the test of time and remained the one guide that we look to for the basis of all our laws. The Constitution has had minimal updates or changes and most of those can be attributed to advances in thinking and further advances in equality for all.
The problems with the current system stem from a variety of directions. Originally the founding fathers believed that to serve as an elected representative would be a short stint for someone who still had some other business or job outside of Washington DC. They did not envision today's lifetime politicians who have lost touch with the "everyman" and what it is like to actually live and work in this country. Many of them have served a lifetime in public service as some kind of elected official answering to party leaders, special interest groups and donors. Where is there room for the every day citizen in their plans. The politicians claim to be looking out for our best interest, but aren't they just doing things that they believe I will love them for and therefore re-elect them. They latch on to a "hot" topic and talk about, making it front page news, campaign to sponsor new legislation, and tell me it is for my best interest and then when it fails to pass say it was the other guys fault. Never mind that he never really intended to pass it since it would hurt some special interest group and therefore effect his future campaign funds. He looks like the hero because he was trying to protect "us" and we are angry at the other guy for not passing this legislation that we were told would be good for us.
Do we really need more laws? Does every regulation have to be written so the average citizen can not understand it with all the loopholes and "whereas"s? We know we should not steal, murder, drink and drive, or harm another in any way. We should respect other people, their property, their rights and freedoms just as they should respect ours. Why have we become a society that tolerates the government now dictating what we can do in our cars as long as we are not a danger to another, or telling us how we can spend our time while in the privacy of our own home? The government and law enforcement has lead us to believe that we have a right to control what happens in each others homes if it does not agree with our way of thinking. What they don't realize is that it means that the government can now enter your home and regulate what you do to. Those rules do not apply only to those we think are bad or creepy, they apply to everyone (unless you are rich, famous or a politician then you can change the rules for yourself). My life is already changed in that I live everyday double thinking every little thing I see and do. I see the actions of others and know that if just one factor had been different that could of lead someone to jail.
The politicians love to pat themselves on the back in the name of protecting the ignorant population they were elected to protect. What the general citizen does not realize is that they are slowing giving up all their rights that all spelled out in the Bill of Rights. When one group of people is allowed to have their civil rights stripped away it is only a matter of time before that erodes onto another group and then another. Before you know it, the Bill of Rights only applies to the chosen few. Who gets to do the choosing? Certainly not me or you.
Our country has the largest prison population in the world. We have come to the place where we solve every little problem by demanding punishments that satisfy our need for vengeance. Never mind looking at the bigger picture, being the bigger person, offering forgiveness with treatment, or considering better alternatives to prison. We are becoming a population that instead of lifting ourselves up, we feel better about ourselves by tearing down others. Many people currently in federal prison are first time offenders who would have been better served with some other alternative punishment. Society as a whole would also be better, since we would still have more people being productive members of society and not wards of the government. The problem is prisons are a money making operation, so those lobbying for prison reform have to fight against the large corporations that make millions of dollars off the current prison system. Truthfully, being locked in the stockade for a week is much more desirable than the current system of sentencing and punishment. At least when your time was up you could walk away with your life still intact and be able to move beyond your own history.
There are people currently in prison who are serving sentences way beyond what the normal person views as logical, and yet then there are monsters who walk amongst us everyday and because of any number of reasons never spend a day in jail. Whether it be State vs. Federal charges, ability to hire a real slick attorney, or being or just knowing the right person so you can get out from under any scrapes with the law. Can the measure of our system really be called fair? Before I knew the inner workings of the justice system I would have thought it to be fair, because as Americans we are lead to believe that everything we do it the "right" thing.
I can only hope that no other family ever has to go through the same thing, but unfortunately I am not so naive to believe that. I hear from way too many people who are in the same boat. The tide will not begin to change until more of the everyday people are touched by the current system and all indications are that the erosion has begun. Some of us where just sooner than others. There will come a day when everyone will have a criminal past and it will not mean anything anymore.
God Bless America...yes! I still would not want to live anywhere else in the world. Land of the Free...I am not so sure...just don't ever get caught doing something someone else considers wrong unless you are prepared to be punished in the harshest way possible.
Let me start by saying that I am not bitter with everything that has happened to me but I am certainly much more aware of how our current justice system works and let me say that I am not at all happy with what I see.
I have learned so much more about the American Justice System and how our government works in the last few years than I ever did in any American Government or Criminal Justice class I have ever taken. Let me tell you that my eyes have been opened to how our system works and it is not a pretty picture.
Our current system is a very polluted version of what the founding fathers originally envisioned when they were sitting down writing the documents that our country was founded on. The original Constitution has withstood the test of time and remained the one guide that we look to for the basis of all our laws. The Constitution has had minimal updates or changes and most of those can be attributed to advances in thinking and further advances in equality for all.
The problems with the current system stem from a variety of directions. Originally the founding fathers believed that to serve as an elected representative would be a short stint for someone who still had some other business or job outside of Washington DC. They did not envision today's lifetime politicians who have lost touch with the "everyman" and what it is like to actually live and work in this country. Many of them have served a lifetime in public service as some kind of elected official answering to party leaders, special interest groups and donors. Where is there room for the every day citizen in their plans. The politicians claim to be looking out for our best interest, but aren't they just doing things that they believe I will love them for and therefore re-elect them. They latch on to a "hot" topic and talk about, making it front page news, campaign to sponsor new legislation, and tell me it is for my best interest and then when it fails to pass say it was the other guys fault. Never mind that he never really intended to pass it since it would hurt some special interest group and therefore effect his future campaign funds. He looks like the hero because he was trying to protect "us" and we are angry at the other guy for not passing this legislation that we were told would be good for us.
Do we really need more laws? Does every regulation have to be written so the average citizen can not understand it with all the loopholes and "whereas"s? We know we should not steal, murder, drink and drive, or harm another in any way. We should respect other people, their property, their rights and freedoms just as they should respect ours. Why have we become a society that tolerates the government now dictating what we can do in our cars as long as we are not a danger to another, or telling us how we can spend our time while in the privacy of our own home? The government and law enforcement has lead us to believe that we have a right to control what happens in each others homes if it does not agree with our way of thinking. What they don't realize is that it means that the government can now enter your home and regulate what you do to. Those rules do not apply only to those we think are bad or creepy, they apply to everyone (unless you are rich, famous or a politician then you can change the rules for yourself). My life is already changed in that I live everyday double thinking every little thing I see and do. I see the actions of others and know that if just one factor had been different that could of lead someone to jail.
The politicians love to pat themselves on the back in the name of protecting the ignorant population they were elected to protect. What the general citizen does not realize is that they are slowing giving up all their rights that all spelled out in the Bill of Rights. When one group of people is allowed to have their civil rights stripped away it is only a matter of time before that erodes onto another group and then another. Before you know it, the Bill of Rights only applies to the chosen few. Who gets to do the choosing? Certainly not me or you.
Our country has the largest prison population in the world. We have come to the place where we solve every little problem by demanding punishments that satisfy our need for vengeance. Never mind looking at the bigger picture, being the bigger person, offering forgiveness with treatment, or considering better alternatives to prison. We are becoming a population that instead of lifting ourselves up, we feel better about ourselves by tearing down others. Many people currently in federal prison are first time offenders who would have been better served with some other alternative punishment. Society as a whole would also be better, since we would still have more people being productive members of society and not wards of the government. The problem is prisons are a money making operation, so those lobbying for prison reform have to fight against the large corporations that make millions of dollars off the current prison system. Truthfully, being locked in the stockade for a week is much more desirable than the current system of sentencing and punishment. At least when your time was up you could walk away with your life still intact and be able to move beyond your own history.
There are people currently in prison who are serving sentences way beyond what the normal person views as logical, and yet then there are monsters who walk amongst us everyday and because of any number of reasons never spend a day in jail. Whether it be State vs. Federal charges, ability to hire a real slick attorney, or being or just knowing the right person so you can get out from under any scrapes with the law. Can the measure of our system really be called fair? Before I knew the inner workings of the justice system I would have thought it to be fair, because as Americans we are lead to believe that everything we do it the "right" thing.
I can only hope that no other family ever has to go through the same thing, but unfortunately I am not so naive to believe that. I hear from way too many people who are in the same boat. The tide will not begin to change until more of the everyday people are touched by the current system and all indications are that the erosion has begun. Some of us where just sooner than others. There will come a day when everyone will have a criminal past and it will not mean anything anymore.
God Bless America...yes! I still would not want to live anywhere else in the world. Land of the Free...I am not so sure...just don't ever get caught doing something someone else considers wrong unless you are prepared to be punished in the harshest way possible.
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