Fill'r Up

  When you are running out of gas, you know all you have to do is find the nearest gas station and fill up, assuming of course that you have money to buy the gas.  When you are hungry, if you are like any one of my teenagers, you find yourself standing in front of the refrigerator looking for something really good to eat.  (I am not sure teenagers know how that food gets there, they just know it is there).
My question is, where do you go to fill up when you are running out of hope? 
   We all have reached that point when we don't think we can go on any further.  The faith that gets us up out of bed every day just isn't there any more.  The promise that things will change for the better has moved us to where we are but that promise is not there any more.  Where do we go to fill back up so we can keep getting up and moving forward?  It is not something we can buy in a store, and we can not go to a cupboard to refill what is missing.  Can we be re-energized by talking with friends and sharing our discouragement or reading a book or passage that suddenly speaks to our soul and offers us the insight that we needed?  Do we reflect on others whose situations are far worse than our own, because no matter how bad we feel our lot is, there is always someone going through something far worse?  Do we walk into a church and pray that we are infused with all the strength and courage that we seem to be lacking? 
  Recently I found myself feeling hopeless.  Feeling that things are never going to change and that we don't seem to be making any progress become the dominant focus for a time.  This is not the first time I have felt this way and I am certain it will not be the last, as I expect to live a very long life.  I have great sympathy for people who find themselves living with these feelings everyday.  What a sad way to walk around feeling such despair. And for those people I would strongly encourage you to seek a medical professional to get help.  But for someone like me, who likes to think that I have a positive outlook most of the time, it can seem disheartening,  To have a feeling that you have little control and nothing seems to be getting better can feel like swimming against a current that is stronger than you and it just keeps pushing you further back allowing no progress.  Where am I supposed to go to get restocked on all my hope and faith that things are progressing and moving forward. 
    What is the science behind humanity and our need to look forward?  We all want to hope for a bright future and to live happily ever after.  How do we cope when that is not the case?  What makes us get up every day and keep moving in the midst of disaster and distress?  When the most horrific things happen in our lives most of us find a way to get through it and move beyond it, even at times making the best of an awful situation. 
  Where does that power come from?  Why does it ebb like the tides?  Some days feeling like you can conquer the world and other days not wanting to come out from under the covers.  Is it a belief in something greater, a God, something beyond ourselves?  Is it the idea that it can't always be bad?  Is it in knowing that others have made it through difficult times as well? 
   I can not begin to speculate the actual answer.  I am not even sure that there is just one answer.  I do know that even though it may seem bleak and dark one day, it will not stay that way.  Time moves forward, the clock changes as well as the seasons.  Night always becomes day and the sun eventually comes out after a storm.  Life is full of both good and bad and it is in experiencing the bad that we can rejoice in the good and the happiness that it brings.  I get up every day looking at the joy in my life and not focusing on the bad.  I suppose if I always looked for the bad that is all I would see but I have way too many things in my life that bring me joy to focus on the not so good.  That is a choice for me.  Happiness is a choice.and is purposeful.  My children, my husband, my family and friends, my pets, the sun shining or listening to the rain on the roof are my joy and that is where I go to refill my tank.  They give me hope and renew my faith that all is well and live is worth getting up for every morning. 
 

Where is All The Anger???

Over six years ago when the police first raided my home and our lives were put on this unforeseen path I knew and I learned the reasons behind all this, I still knew deep inside that my husband was not a threat to anyone.  Our marriage was not perfect, but I knew that he would never harm another human let alone a child.  I now had the world telling me that he was a monster, someone to shun, someone to turn away from, and someone who should be locked away forever. 

It is in all this that I started to get angry.  I was mad at my husband for not getting help sooner and mad at the pain he inflicted on our family.  But that is not what really made my blood boil.  It is how the system, society, and all the officials now view and control our family.  They can tell us where we can and can not live.  They tell us where we can and can not go for vacation.  They control the time we spend with family and friends and where my husband can work and what hours.  They do not permit him to be a part of our children's lives by restricting him from attending school functions.

Other families in the same situation have been prevented from spending time with extended family members, prevented from seeing their grandchildren and told that they could not travel with family for vacation.  Some are told that they can not spend time with their own children unsupervised. So my question is, where is all the other families anger?  I used my anger to try and change the public's perception of the sex offender label, I try to educate others about the dangers of a pornography addiction and effect change in any way I can, whether by writing a politician or offer support to others going through a similar situation.  Where are all the other angry people?

There are over 750,000 people listed on the sex offender registry, if every person on the registry had parents and a sibling or spouse who stood up for them, that would be a voice of over two million people.  Are all these other family members  content to sit by and watch as the country treats our loved ones as sub human?  Quietly sit by as the government stripes away the civil rights of a select group of citizens.  But that is OK because they are no longer important citizens.  How much longer before the government decides that drunk drivers need to be on a list, animal abusers, former drug users, and gun owners?  If we stay on the current path, the government will not only be in my house telling my family how we can live our lives, but they will be in your home as well.  And you can be proud that you all sat by and let it happen.  By not standing up now, you will be responsible for the government in your home and once they are in there, they will be hard to get out. 

Where are all the other family members fighting for the rights of their loved ones?  Do they just bury their heads in the sand and hope that things will magically change?  Or maybe they don't mind that the government is telling them exactly what to do?  There are so many small groups out there trying to make changes but the politically correct populous is so much louder.  We need voices to teach and share the truth about the real recidivism numbers for this group, share that the research supports that an underage pornography charge does not equal a hands on offense and that many of these guys go on to live productive lives and never re-offend.   Is the fear to overwhelming that they would rather keep quiet than change an injustice? 

Fear keeps many away, but there is so much you could do without putting your face out in the public eye.  Fear of being found out, fear of being harassed by neighbors and fear of being shunned by friends.  I had lived through all that fear, and my greater fear is having my children grow up in a world where our government can plant itself in our private lives and claim it is for the good of others.  Fear that my children will live in a world that civil rights have been slowly striped away and I did nothing to stop it. 

So I say again, where are all those other angry family members?  Why are they not a loud voice out there screaming for the rights of their loved ones?   I can not sit by and not fight for an injustice that has been thrown in my lap.  This is my path to follow, I just wonder where are all the others that should be on this path with me?

Where The System is Failing

Even though there seems to be large breaks between my posts, it does not mean that things are not happening.  Contrary to that thought, things change almost on a daily basis.  There are days where I am so frustrated and ready to give up and then the next moment everything is OK for the time being. 

In all of the "grayness" that we live, because we never really know what will happen next, I have come to realize that the system is not set up to help offenders successfully rehabilitate and once again become productive members of society.  I believe that it is the goal of probation to push, make demands and  stretch the offenders to the point that they have not other recourse than to violate some term of their release, so they can be sent back.

In the time my husband has been released, he has been removed from our home because probation did not like how close to the park we live, we have been denied family counseling so it would not "interfere" with his mandatory treatment, and he found employment that fit his treatment schedule only to be told that to move on to the next phase of treatment he will have to change his work schedule.  None of this fits into the stated policy that to succeed upon release any offender needs a home, support system and employment. 

I sometimes wonder if they continue to push and push until you finally break and they can violate you and return you to prison, or they figure if you can put up with all the weighty restrictions then they figure you will eventually be fine.  But in the meantime our family seems to be suffering and it is becoming the next victim in all of this.  We have tried talking with probation, his mandatory counselor and attorneys to see what can be done to help the situation, and we have received no positive help from anyone within the system.

I would be lying if I said our life is perfect.  It is hanging on by a thread and I am not sure how much longer it will last.  Now to be fair, we just got approval last week to attend family counseling but as of today I join the ranks of those with no health insurance.  Counseling is not free and it is what we really need to keep moving forward.  There are so many issues that need to be addressed and discussed so that the hurt feelings can be mended and conflicts aired out.  But not now...

Our house is for sale and we are looking for other homes, which anyone who has gone through this knows that it is not easy but we are pushing ahead.  Hopefully everything will fall into place at some point in the near future so we can be under one roof.

The bright spot in this is my husband employment has been going well and it is hopeful that he will be made a permanent employee down the road, but even that process is designed to weed out those that don't work out so it could take another six months.  So we sit without health insurance and not able to count his income for mortgage purposes all  because he is not actually employed by the company. 

So as of today, we are a family separated, hurting and wanting to heal.  None of which is really being fixed at this point in time.  The condition of our family is not a priority for anyone other than us.  Statistics are against us succeeding, most families do not survive incarceration but I have not yet reached the point where I am willing to give up when it is because of conditions imposed by others and not of our own doing that it is in jeopardy.  It is by my faith and love for my family that I get up every day and do all the things that need to get done so that some where down the road this will all be in our past. 

Thank You for Your Inspiration

After all that has happened, I am a firm believer that people are put in our lives for a reason.  I don't care what argument you would have against such a belief, or if you would try to argue that everything is a big random ball of coincidence.  I am not buying.

I started writing this blog because I could not find the support, or people in my shoes who were willing to share with me their stories.  I wanted to talk to people who might be able to guide me along this path but was not finding them out there.  I quickly learned that people in my shoes are afraid.  They live in fear of being found out, or being associated with someone society looks down upon.  They are also fearful for the safety of their loved one.  Retaliation is a daily fear for many whose names are published on a public list of offenders.  So many people choose to stay quiet and not speak out.  They are quiet about their experiences and quiet about fighting the injustices of this system.

I read once that we are put through our experiences to learn from them so we could help others through those same experiences.  I like the way that idea sounded.  We have family that we learn from.  Older siblings that teach use what to do and what not to do.  Our friends show us experiences we might not have had without them.  We model our parenting from how we ourselves were parented.  So if I could not find those to help me, then I could at least help those behind me.  

Over the years, with every entry and as days pass, I still find myself amazed and surprised by the timing of your comments.  I have written about the joys and the sorrows that we have all been through and the difficulties that the system imposes upon us needlessly.  I, too have good days and bad days.  Days when I have lost hope and days when the future looks bright.  But it is in the timing of the comments that reinforces to me that we are all there for each other.  Just when I am going through I bad time, thinking things will not get any better, I get a new comment from someone thanking me for what I write.  Someone new who is just starting the process, who has no idea what lies ahead or how they will handle it.  Suddenly I am uplifted.  Things are not as bad as I thought and maybe not a bleak.  Both the positivity of the comments and the reminder that I have made it this far remind me that we all have so much to be thankful for everyday. 

So I wanted to take the time to say thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read and comment.  Many of the comments I have tried to respond to and many of you that have e-mailed me as well.  Know that your comments are read not only by me but by others who value what you have to say and may just be the light of my day just when I need it the most.  You are my inspiration...THANK YOU.