It Is So Worth It!!!

Happy belated Mother's Day out there to all the parents out there serving as both mother and father because of incarceration.  Looking back on all the entries, I questioned the enormity of the whole situation and if I could make it through, keeping everyone together and healthy.  (I mean healthy both in the physical sense as well as the mental).  Well, this past Mother's Day I had yet another sign that I have succeeded where I was scared I would fail.

It started early Saturday morning with an early knock on the front door.  (To this day, I hate opening my door to strangers who knock when I am not expecting any one.)  I went down and opened the door to an elderly gentleman holding a beautiful vase of flowers.  He handed me the flowers and wished my a Happy Mother's Day and off he went to brighten some other mother's day.  Reading the card, they were from my wonderful son who was away at college.  They were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.  I don't know if it was the colors, the arrangement, the flowers, or maybe it was just the sentiment that they came with them that brought tears to my eyes.

The florist had goofed up the message and did not even get my son's name correct, but that made them seem so much more special.  The photo shows how they looked immediately after I received them, but they are still on the table as of this morning.  They are just now reaching the end of their life, but they were beautiful and lasted such a long time.  And of course I did take some photos that I will be able to look back on for many years. 

Then Sunday morning as we were all getting ready for church, my daughter came into my room and handed me a legal size envelope with "Mom" written on it with hearts drawn on it.  As she left the room, I opened the envelope and started reading.  Immediately her words brought tears to my eyes.  It was a typed, single spaced, two page letter that proceeded to thank me for all that I have done for her and the boys over the last few years.  She called me "super mom" and said that she is glad that I am her mother.  She had many profound quotes that were very appropriate for the letter.  Here is one of my favorites...

“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”

― Washington Irving

 

Her letter said so much, and touched me deeply.  I can not read those words without a sense of accomplishment.  I succeeded at doing what I set out to do.  To keep my family strong and healthy and to help keep them on a path for lifelong success.  No room for feelings of despair and failure for now.  All I have to do is look at my photos (since I will be throwing away the blooms soon) and read that letter to know I have done the best that I could in a very difficult situation and things are turning out for the best.

 

I can do anything! 

Concerns as The Time Ticks Down

Most people would expect us all to be excited and looking forward to my husband's homecoming, and for the most part we are.  But it would be foolish to think that the upcoming reunion does not come with apprehension for all of us. 

My soon to be 16 year old daughter was only 10-11 when this all started with my husband, and even though she sees him on our yearly visits and talks with him on the phone and via email, she has a much different memory of him being home with us and being her father.  Her expectations are formed by her experiences with him as a young girl, her experiences with other male role models and friends fathers as well as the views that kids pick up watching TV.  She admitted to me the other day that she is concerned that our whole life style will change once he comes home.  She is fearful the the life that she has grown accustomed to will be changed drastically and not for her benefit.  She is worried that a whole new set of restrictions will be placed on her just because her father is coming home.  It took a long conversation, and multiple ongoing discussions to reassure her that our basic life routines will not change.  It is now up to her father to find his place in our current lifestyle and not for him to come home and dictate how things will be.  We also talked about her not being afraid to share her concerns directly with her father.  I explained that this will all be new for all of us and the best way for it to go smoothly is for all of us to keep the lines of communication open. 

It was not more than a week later when my college freshman was video chatting and he suddenly asked what was going to happen when dad comes home.  I did not understand at first but then realized that he just meant what should he expect when my husband comes home.  To be completely honest with him, I had to admit that I had no idea what was actually going to happen and how things would eventually play out.  There are just way to many unknowns and it is not like I have ever been through this same situation before.  I actually think he was reassured a bit with my own uncertainty.  I really could not give him any solid answers that he was looking for, but we did discuss different situations and how we expected to handle them. 

Not to be left out, I did take the opportunity to discuss with my youngest, the same things that I had shared with his siblings.  I reaffirmed to him that he needs to share any concerns he has directly with his father without the fear of hurting his feelings.  There is a great amount of repair and healing that needs to take place and it will only happen if everyone remains open and keeps their feelings in check.

I too have my own apprehensions but many of them are tied to how this will all effect the kids.  I can take care of myself and things will work out for me but keeping an eye out for them and making sure this goes as well as possible is the job for the adults.  I am however, truly blessed, that I have children who are able to so freely discuss with me any problems that they have.  Sometimes I have to bite my tongue and count to 20 to keep the responses rational, but we have all learned to be so much more than we used to be.  I am more open and so much more patient and I think that makes me a better mom and friend.  

Reminds me of Ketchup

Those of you who are old enough to remember the old Ketchup commercial, the theme of the commercial is anticipation.  That is what my life feels like right now.  Counting down months, weeks and now into days is always somewhere bouncing around in my brain.

I wake up in the morning and am looking forward to that day when I get to drive for 10 hours, and then wait for another day until I get to watch my husband walk out of the door and into freedom.  Then my mind starts swirling about what we will get to do next.  Shopping, lunch, and then trying to catch up with years of separation.   Going to bed at night, crossing one more day off the list and moving one day closer. 

Some days it seems like it is still so far off and other days it seems like it is right in front of us.  I am finding it hard to focus on my day to day activities without looking forward to the future.   In my head I am planning a family picnic and opportunities for extended family to get together once he is home even though it is still months out. 

I can not begin to describe all the emotions that I deal with on a daily basis.  I am excited one minute and nervous or anxious the next.  It is an up and down roller coaster with the stomach butterflies included.  So much is up in the air and we are just counting down the days.  I really hate to focus on months in the future, but once the spring sports schedule is in full swing the days will pass much more quickly.  Keeping my mind busy is the best remedy to help keeping my mind distracted and keeping it locked on the here and now.  It will make time pass much more quickly.

My direction for the next few months will be working toward a positive reunion and a happy homecoming.  Jobs, cars and income will all come secondary to working toward a harmonious reunion. 

Opening a Dialogue

With my husband's release being counted down in weeks now instead of years there is so much to think about and plan for.  We are not so naive to think that he will come home and everything will be perfect and life will go on without any more problems...we will live happily ever after.

We recently started a specific task in our letter writing.  The point was to write out some questions, concerns, expectations or issues that we were each worried about with the homecoming.  The topics could be family, spousal, marital or economic, no topic was off limits.  We had a few weeks to think about the big things that we wanted to put down on paper and then agreed to mail them out on the same day.  Doing that would avoid one of us not writing something that the other had already put on their list.  It was a way to judge where the overlap was and it would allow us to see the issues that we both had in common. 

As of now we have both received the others list, and after careful review and thought have responded to that first list.  Let me tell you that the list really got me thinking about a whole bunch of things.  In my reply, I added three more things to my original list, addressed my thoughts about some of his concerns and found myself digging deep and expressing additional concerns that I did not know I still had about our relationship.

Things have been said in these letters that have not been said or discussed in 25 years of knowing each other, which I take as a good sign, but it also makes me wonder why these things had not been talked about sooner.  Some are big things while others are seemingly small, but they are conversations that were never said out loud and some are things that have been said over and over but not heard. 

It surprised me to see some of the same things on both the lists, and then just as surprised at the different things we both had.  Many of his questioned I even addressed in my previous entry Unending List of Questions.  I should have just printed off that list and sent it to him but my list to him is in much greater detail and of a much more personal nature.   I found myself filling multiple pages and actually looking forward to the next exchange when I get his next letter continuing those topics.  To say there was raw emotion and some scabs ripped off some wounds would be an understatement, but all very necessary to have out in the open in order for our relationship to work again when he comes home.

Obviously, continued counseling when he is actually home would be ideal, but our old counselor has moved on to bigger and better things.  It would mean beginning again with someone new and starting the story from the start.  I do not know if anyone has tried to find a counselor they are comfortable with, but it is not an easy task.  We would have to find someone that we are both comfortable with which will make it much more difficult.  Looking through the phone book just does not begin to give you an idea of what you are getting when you sit down and talk with someone.  Though our situation is not unique it is certainly not common, another counselor mentioned that it was like military families reuniting after multiple tours.

This is an attempt on our part to help make the transition better, less awkward and hopefully less painful in the long run.  Thinking, putting your ideas on paper and distancing yourself sure makes arguments harder.  I am not saying there won't be hurt feelings but hopefully it will all be taken with an open heart and mind with a common goal of a united and happy family in the end.