Reminds me of Ketchup

Those of you who are old enough to remember the old Ketchup commercial, the theme of the commercial is anticipation.  That is what my life feels like right now.  Counting down months, weeks and now into days is always somewhere bouncing around in my brain.

I wake up in the morning and am looking forward to that day when I get to drive for 10 hours, and then wait for another day until I get to watch my husband walk out of the door and into freedom.  Then my mind starts swirling about what we will get to do next.  Shopping, lunch, and then trying to catch up with years of separation.   Going to bed at night, crossing one more day off the list and moving one day closer. 

Some days it seems like it is still so far off and other days it seems like it is right in front of us.  I am finding it hard to focus on my day to day activities without looking forward to the future.   In my head I am planning a family picnic and opportunities for extended family to get together once he is home even though it is still months out. 

I can not begin to describe all the emotions that I deal with on a daily basis.  I am excited one minute and nervous or anxious the next.  It is an up and down roller coaster with the stomach butterflies included.  So much is up in the air and we are just counting down the days.  I really hate to focus on months in the future, but once the spring sports schedule is in full swing the days will pass much more quickly.  Keeping my mind busy is the best remedy to help keeping my mind distracted and keeping it locked on the here and now.  It will make time pass much more quickly.

My direction for the next few months will be working toward a positive reunion and a happy homecoming.  Jobs, cars and income will all come secondary to working toward a harmonious reunion. 

Opening a Dialogue

With my husband's release being counted down in weeks now instead of years there is so much to think about and plan for.  We are not so naive to think that he will come home and everything will be perfect and life will go on without any more problems...we will live happily ever after.

We recently started a specific task in our letter writing.  The point was to write out some questions, concerns, expectations or issues that we were each worried about with the homecoming.  The topics could be family, spousal, marital or economic, no topic was off limits.  We had a few weeks to think about the big things that we wanted to put down on paper and then agreed to mail them out on the same day.  Doing that would avoid one of us not writing something that the other had already put on their list.  It was a way to judge where the overlap was and it would allow us to see the issues that we both had in common. 

As of now we have both received the others list, and after careful review and thought have responded to that first list.  Let me tell you that the list really got me thinking about a whole bunch of things.  In my reply, I added three more things to my original list, addressed my thoughts about some of his concerns and found myself digging deep and expressing additional concerns that I did not know I still had about our relationship.

Things have been said in these letters that have not been said or discussed in 25 years of knowing each other, which I take as a good sign, but it also makes me wonder why these things had not been talked about sooner.  Some are big things while others are seemingly small, but they are conversations that were never said out loud and some are things that have been said over and over but not heard. 

It surprised me to see some of the same things on both the lists, and then just as surprised at the different things we both had.  Many of his questioned I even addressed in my previous entry Unending List of Questions.  I should have just printed off that list and sent it to him but my list to him is in much greater detail and of a much more personal nature.   I found myself filling multiple pages and actually looking forward to the next exchange when I get his next letter continuing those topics.  To say there was raw emotion and some scabs ripped off some wounds would be an understatement, but all very necessary to have out in the open in order for our relationship to work again when he comes home.

Obviously, continued counseling when he is actually home would be ideal, but our old counselor has moved on to bigger and better things.  It would mean beginning again with someone new and starting the story from the start.  I do not know if anyone has tried to find a counselor they are comfortable with, but it is not an easy task.  We would have to find someone that we are both comfortable with which will make it much more difficult.  Looking through the phone book just does not begin to give you an idea of what you are getting when you sit down and talk with someone.  Though our situation is not unique it is certainly not common, another counselor mentioned that it was like military families reuniting after multiple tours.

This is an attempt on our part to help make the transition better, less awkward and hopefully less painful in the long run.  Thinking, putting your ideas on paper and distancing yourself sure makes arguments harder.  I am not saying there won't be hurt feelings but hopefully it will all be taken with an open heart and mind with a common goal of a united and happy family in the end. 

Unending List of Questions

Time is progressing, in a few short months I will get to make the last visit to the prison to pick up my husband.  There has been rumblings at home, an occasional comment here and there about the upcoming summer changes.  Nothing bad, just indications that we are all aware that change is again in our future.

There is a bunch of thoughts running through my head, some of which are extremely personal or just generally practical.  I am not sure I could begin to cover all of them.  The following is a list of some of the many thoughts that might race through my head at any given moment:
-How do we handle having another driver in the house and needing another car at some point?
-How much time do I take off to help do everything that will need to be done, if any at all? 
-What happens if he can't find a job relatively quickly?
-How much have the two of us changed and will we like who the other has become?
-Will all the relationships be repairable?
-Will extended family and close friends accept him once he gets home again?
-Or will we have to deal with people who do not want him around or are uncomfortable with him?
-What will it be like being part of a married couple again?
-What will it be like being alone together after so long alone and apart?
-Do we attend our community church as a family or go someplace where we are unknown?
-Will some people even recognize him?
-What do you tell the new acquaintances in our lives who do not know about him when they now meet him?
-What will it be like to have someone snore all night and keep me awake...yuck?
-How much of what happened to him will he want to talk about or will I want to hear about?
-What limitations or restrictions will we have to face?
-Should I tell myself not to expect too much too soon to avoid disappointment?
-Will his being home start the gossip mills running in the community?
-Will people in the community come out, forgive him, accept him and move beyond the past?
-Will his coming home have an adverse affect on the kids in any way?
-Can we hope for a return to normalcy sometime in the future?
-What will it be like to have an adult conversation at home?
-How will his being home affect my relationship with friends who still have loved ones behind bars?
-Will we all make it through this and stay together as a family?
-How will his being home affect my current relationship with my in-laws?
-Will our daily lives change dramatically?
-What unforeseen issues will we all have to learn to deal with?
-How long will it take before we notice that things are doing fine and back to normal?
-Will it be awkward when it is just the two of us initially?
-How will those first few days go?
-Will he be as nervous as I feel when we are together again?
-Will our marriage be better from now on, better than it was before?
-How will the kids friends behave with him being home?

This is just the tip of the iceberg of thoughts floating around at any given time in my head.   I know there are really no answers to most of these questions but I can think about them, plan for some and just pray for the others.  And of course just hope for the best.

An Emotional Whirlwind

Time seems to be moving quickly or slowly, on any given day my perception changes by the minute.  There are so many things to plan for and yet time to think about all that the remaining year holds for us all.  That is enough to set us all on edge both with the excitement that we will all be under one roof and with the anxiety that we will all be under one roof. 

When my husband began his incarceration I had gotten rid of most of his clothes.  It was something we had discussed and had agreed that I would do.  As is turns out he informed me yesterday that he has lost a total of 60 lbs since he first went in.  He is exercising, trying to eat healthy and learning portion control so none of his old clothes would have fit him anyway.  Rebuilding his wardrobe on a limited budget is now another task I have in front of me. 

Originally we had hoped that he would be in a halfway house a few months ago but that was denied, but looking at the timing now, I think that was supposed to happen.  With his actual release date, he will come home while all the kids are home for summer break.  Everyone can get reacquainted and readjusted to living in the same house without all the pressure from school and public influences.  It will be a long summer before the kids have to deal with Dad coming to some of their public events.  The kids are already worried about the whispering and commotion that his homecoming might bring.

We all have so many emotions, torn between wanting him to be home with us and being a family, and having to reopen some old wounds and deal with the "shame" that we have all left behind.  That is not to say that he could not come home without a bump in our lives, the rest of the world could leave us alone and not give us a second look.  But it is in the uncertainty of what could happen that the anxiety comes up.

Relationships need to be rebuilt, as husband and wife, as father and son, as a member of the household, as a member of the church, as a neighbor and as a person within our small community.  None of that will happen overnight and most of it will not be easy.  I am confident that it will be easier for us than some of the other things we have already endured.  It will be a true test to how much my husband has grown and changed as to how well he handles it all.  He will be facing the public for the first time, when we have all already walked those paths.  I will be there for him to lean on but that means that I will be reliving many of those same emotions from when we all sent through those same experiences.   

We talk of expectations and pray for the best.  I have seen hints of goodness and hope that is more of what the future holds than the alternative.  The future is uncertain, but that does not mean bad things, it just means that for a while we will loose this normal we have come to know only to move on and morph into yet a another period we so lovingly refer to as our "new normal".