There have been so many lessons that I have learned over the last few years that I sometimes find myself sharing those lessons with friends who are going through their own difficult situations. When we find ourselves in the middle of a series of life changing events, we don't measure then against what someone else may be going through, we just feel that this is the worst thing that could happen and no one could really understand our feelings. You can't look at someone and say that my life is worse than yours, it just does not work out that way. However, the lessons that we learn from our own experiences can be a tool that we can share with others, in the hopes that their burden can be lightened.
Recently a friend of mine found himself in a very bad situation with his wife and family. His wife decided she was tired of being a mom and left the family. My friend has been struggling with his love for his children and the daunting task of now being a full time parent and full time provider. On top of that he is trying to find the best way to deal with his wife and her relationship with the family. He is a strong man and I have no doubt he will succeed in ways that he can not begin to see right now but in the meantime he is full of anxiety over his life. It is here that I have been able to offer some of the things that I have learned in my own personal journey.
We can share stories of our own feelings of inadequacy, but understand that we still have to get up every morning. I can now assure him that at some point in the future, things will be good again and he won't remember the exact day that things improved, he will just notice it one day. Getting through it one day at a time it the best approach and not to worry too much about tomorrow. Things will eventually work out.
Forgiveness is a daunting process but one that is worth it for his health and sanity, and worth more than staying angry at those who wronged us. We think we get more from being angry but in reality the anger only affects us and not the intended target. It is one of the hardest things to work through but so worth it. No baggage to carry and you will find that you can wake up with a smile.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of how much you are loved. If there are people in your life who want to help, that is a sign that people believe that you are worth their time and attention. Don't think that you have to do it all by yourself to prove that you can succeed. Our friends and family offer their support, take it. It may be a humbling experience but a gratifying and wonderful one at the same time. Some of my greatest moments have been linked to someone else reaching out a helping hand.
In working through our own problems we find ourselves as role models and inspirational to those around us. We don't realize it but everyday, people in our lives are watching how we live our lives and make choices based on what they learn from us. They may never say anything to you, but know that you are being an inspiration to someone, even if it is our children.
I have come to believe that we learn the most valuable lessons in life in times of adversity. These difficult times are when we are shaped and molded in the adults that we are intended to be. Sharing these gifts are just another way to pay it forward.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Too Much Drama
I suddenly realized it has been a while since I have posted, but it seems that the drama never ends. We received an offer on our home and did some major house hunting so we would have a place to live when ours sold. We did not find exactly what we wanted, but we were still very happy with our choice. It gave us a chance to rethink how we plan on spending our time in the future as the family grows and changes. Turns out we won't be spending hours mowing the lawn...haha, but the house is a beautiful American Foursquare that we are excited to put our touches on. And it comes with room for everyone to visit and sit around the table laughing.
As we were progressing with all the requirements for the purchase of our new home, we did not hear anything about our buyers, I became concerned and questioned our realtor. She said not to worry, and one week later I see that our listing status is now changed to active again. I got a text from a friend who has a family member who was excited to see the house because they thought is was sold. I told her "So did I". My realtor then informed us that the buyers pre-qualified financing didn't happen. Now our house has been sold twice with the buyers backing out for one reason or another. There goes our January closing date.
However, we just had two people come through the house and both loved it. One has submitted an offer (not good) and we have countered and we are hoping the other family submits some kind of offer quickly. Either way, that pushes back our closing our our new home. But after all this time what is one more month?
The time has been good. The wounds are slowly starting to heal. When we are all together it feels like a whole family. The white elephant in the room is shrinking. The only thing left is to get us all under one roof. The old adage that nothing worthwhile is ever easy seems to hold in everything that we do.
There was so much more to this story, issues with the purchase of our new home, that we thought we might loose it as well but that all seems ironed out. There is no way to put into words the emotional roller coaster that we experience just in one day sometimes.
But on another good note, a friend recently informed me that her loved one had his designation hearing for his SO level and received a level I. I was just as excited for her as I was for my husband when we heard the judge give him a level I. Here in New York, level Is stay off the public registry and some counties don't even post your photos so it makes life a bit easier. This is after the Probation Department had informed us and her family as well that you could not fight the designation and most of the pornography guys were getting a level II designation. We fought, and we won. They fought and they won.
The message today is to keep fighting for what you think is right. Nothing will happen overnight but eventually things will change. As more people push back, the swell gets bigger and hopefully others start to learn the truth and that is when we see the real change.
As we were progressing with all the requirements for the purchase of our new home, we did not hear anything about our buyers, I became concerned and questioned our realtor. She said not to worry, and one week later I see that our listing status is now changed to active again. I got a text from a friend who has a family member who was excited to see the house because they thought is was sold. I told her "So did I". My realtor then informed us that the buyers pre-qualified financing didn't happen. Now our house has been sold twice with the buyers backing out for one reason or another. There goes our January closing date.
However, we just had two people come through the house and both loved it. One has submitted an offer (not good) and we have countered and we are hoping the other family submits some kind of offer quickly. Either way, that pushes back our closing our our new home. But after all this time what is one more month?
The time has been good. The wounds are slowly starting to heal. When we are all together it feels like a whole family. The white elephant in the room is shrinking. The only thing left is to get us all under one roof. The old adage that nothing worthwhile is ever easy seems to hold in everything that we do.
There was so much more to this story, issues with the purchase of our new home, that we thought we might loose it as well but that all seems ironed out. There is no way to put into words the emotional roller coaster that we experience just in one day sometimes.
But on another good note, a friend recently informed me that her loved one had his designation hearing for his SO level and received a level I. I was just as excited for her as I was for my husband when we heard the judge give him a level I. Here in New York, level Is stay off the public registry and some counties don't even post your photos so it makes life a bit easier. This is after the Probation Department had informed us and her family as well that you could not fight the designation and most of the pornography guys were getting a level II designation. We fought, and we won. They fought and they won.
The message today is to keep fighting for what you think is right. Nothing will happen overnight but eventually things will change. As more people push back, the swell gets bigger and hopefully others start to learn the truth and that is when we see the real change.
Friday, October 24, 2014
I'll Care When You Care.
Do I care that the federal government is stripping away civil rights when it may be prohibiting travelers from entering or leaving our country? Everyone is running around worried about illnesses that might be brought into our country so they want to close the boarders. Or maybe the government should limit travel. They could prevent US citizens from traveling freely around the country and the world. How dare the government impose on it's citizens, this is a free country after all. Or demand that the government close the boarders and keep out all foreigners and travelers so we stay safe.
Should I care that the government wants to limit the number of firearms we can carry or possess, or put restrictions on the type of gun and ammunition that can be used? Gun rights activists are in an uproar over the government saying you can not own a gun that shoots 100 rounds in the blink of an eye. The battle cry is that it is against everything the constitution stands for.
As citizens we demand so much from our government, protect me from outside invasions like illnesses but don't stop me from my constitutional rights. Everyone wants their government to take care of all of their needs but don't step on any of their rights in the process.
Well, to all you out there screaming right now about the government in your lives, I tell you that I will care about what the government is doing with your civil rights when you wake up and care that right now, today, in this country, our government can legally tell people where they can and cannot live. They can tell people they have to move, or that they can not buy or rent a home in certain places. Never mind the freedom to travel between countries in your free time or to own a small armory in your home, lets talk about the basic right to a place to call home.
When the general population starts to care that the government can regulate where those labeled sex offenders can live, then I will start to care about all those other rights that everyone is so outraged over. The basic right to have a home trumps the freedom to travel in my leisure time or stockpile weapons. Trying to sell our home because the government says my husband cannot live there because he could look out our windows and see the park. Never mind that legally there are no residency restrictions in our community that would prevent him from living there just a government employee who supposedly has that power. We have to sell our home and find a new place to live but that new place cannot be near a school or within site of a park, playground or any other place children may hang out. It is amazing how many pieces of property fall within these guidelines. It has been a process that so far has taken over a year and hopefully has a near end in sight but who knows right now.
So to all of you who claim to support the constitution and scream when you feel your rights are being infringed upon I challenge you to get outraged when anyone's rights are being violated, not just those you deem worthy. Most of the people on the sex offender registry never touched a child or another human being and have already been punished in some way for their crime. Let them have the basic rights of every citizen, a place to call home.
As a warning to you all, there is a list of sex offenders out there, some communities want a public list of gun owners, or a list of child abusers, drunk drivers, drug users, or domestic violence offenders . It won't be long before everyone's rights will be whittled away and the government will be inside everyone's home. Because when you tolerate it for one class of citizen it won't be long before the power hungry believe that you are a risk to their well being and deserve to have your rights limited as well.
Should I care that the government wants to limit the number of firearms we can carry or possess, or put restrictions on the type of gun and ammunition that can be used? Gun rights activists are in an uproar over the government saying you can not own a gun that shoots 100 rounds in the blink of an eye. The battle cry is that it is against everything the constitution stands for.
As citizens we demand so much from our government, protect me from outside invasions like illnesses but don't stop me from my constitutional rights. Everyone wants their government to take care of all of their needs but don't step on any of their rights in the process.
Well, to all you out there screaming right now about the government in your lives, I tell you that I will care about what the government is doing with your civil rights when you wake up and care that right now, today, in this country, our government can legally tell people where they can and cannot live. They can tell people they have to move, or that they can not buy or rent a home in certain places. Never mind the freedom to travel between countries in your free time or to own a small armory in your home, lets talk about the basic right to a place to call home.
When the general population starts to care that the government can regulate where those labeled sex offenders can live, then I will start to care about all those other rights that everyone is so outraged over. The basic right to have a home trumps the freedom to travel in my leisure time or stockpile weapons. Trying to sell our home because the government says my husband cannot live there because he could look out our windows and see the park. Never mind that legally there are no residency restrictions in our community that would prevent him from living there just a government employee who supposedly has that power. We have to sell our home and find a new place to live but that new place cannot be near a school or within site of a park, playground or any other place children may hang out. It is amazing how many pieces of property fall within these guidelines. It has been a process that so far has taken over a year and hopefully has a near end in sight but who knows right now.
So to all of you who claim to support the constitution and scream when you feel your rights are being infringed upon I challenge you to get outraged when anyone's rights are being violated, not just those you deem worthy. Most of the people on the sex offender registry never touched a child or another human being and have already been punished in some way for their crime. Let them have the basic rights of every citizen, a place to call home.
As a warning to you all, there is a list of sex offenders out there, some communities want a public list of gun owners, or a list of child abusers, drunk drivers, drug users, or domestic violence offenders . It won't be long before everyone's rights will be whittled away and the government will be inside everyone's home. Because when you tolerate it for one class of citizen it won't be long before the power hungry believe that you are a risk to their well being and deserve to have your rights limited as well.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
A Mother's Final Lesson
Five years ago this week was one of the worst weeks I have ever had to live through. It was in my urgency to get a call to my husband to inform him that my mom had passed away that I discovered he had been sent to the SHU (Secure Housing Unit) for getting in a fight. I had to face the passing of my mother without the presence of my husband as well as worry for his safety.
It was a difficult time and as with most families there is always turmoil between family members, and for me it is with my sister. She certainly did not do what she could to make the best of the situation for any of us. If she could stir the pot, she did and as is often the case, I just back away and let her go. I did put my foot down about a few things that I felt were important and I managed to do it with out yelling or insulting anyone.
It took me until the morning of the funeral to finally speak with my husband and find out what was going on. I had called the facility numerous times and would not get an answer or a call back. I could not even get a confirmation that I was calling a good phone number. It was just as we were heading out the door for the funeral that I finally got the call and he told me rather quickly, what had happened. and where he was.
I volunteered to speak at my mom's funeral, and I was told that I did a fine job. I was proud to be able to offer some last words for my mother and share some of my memories. Spending time with my extended family was a blessing and a salvation. I am not sure how I managed to get through it all with my blood pressure in the normal range and still getting moving every day but laughing with all my family is always something to cherish.
My husband ended up spending about 30 days in the SHU and completely missed another major life event. I could not even speak to him because of the limited phone privileges they have when they are in the SHU. Much later he shared more of the story and divulged the extent of his injuries, which I am glad I did not know at the time.
Here I am, five years down the road, and my life is in a much different place. We are all moving further and further away from that time. Slowly our lives are changing. Yet there are days when I wish I could pick up the phone and still call my mom. I go visit my family home, and nothing is the same but no one can take my memories. Sometimes I wonder if it was her final lesson for me, if I could survive all that in one short period of time with everything people were expecting from me, I could survive anything. I like to think she is with me and is proud of me, how far I have come and how I have handled all that has been thrown at me. Peace.
It was a difficult time and as with most families there is always turmoil between family members, and for me it is with my sister. She certainly did not do what she could to make the best of the situation for any of us. If she could stir the pot, she did and as is often the case, I just back away and let her go. I did put my foot down about a few things that I felt were important and I managed to do it with out yelling or insulting anyone.
It took me until the morning of the funeral to finally speak with my husband and find out what was going on. I had called the facility numerous times and would not get an answer or a call back. I could not even get a confirmation that I was calling a good phone number. It was just as we were heading out the door for the funeral that I finally got the call and he told me rather quickly, what had happened. and where he was.
I volunteered to speak at my mom's funeral, and I was told that I did a fine job. I was proud to be able to offer some last words for my mother and share some of my memories. Spending time with my extended family was a blessing and a salvation. I am not sure how I managed to get through it all with my blood pressure in the normal range and still getting moving every day but laughing with all my family is always something to cherish.
My husband ended up spending about 30 days in the SHU and completely missed another major life event. I could not even speak to him because of the limited phone privileges they have when they are in the SHU. Much later he shared more of the story and divulged the extent of his injuries, which I am glad I did not know at the time.
Here I am, five years down the road, and my life is in a much different place. We are all moving further and further away from that time. Slowly our lives are changing. Yet there are days when I wish I could pick up the phone and still call my mom. I go visit my family home, and nothing is the same but no one can take my memories. Sometimes I wonder if it was her final lesson for me, if I could survive all that in one short period of time with everything people were expecting from me, I could survive anything. I like to think she is with me and is proud of me, how far I have come and how I have handled all that has been thrown at me. Peace.
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