September, it is the time when the kids head back to school, summer is quickly becoming a distant memory, the leaves will change colors and fall very quickly and it is also the month I turn another year older. Birthdays were never really celebrated much in my house growing up so I never really expect much. Although there is still that small hope that hides inside that this year, your birthday will be the best day ever. I try not to let that hope grow too much because then I would definitely be disappointed.
Now especially, when the one person in the world, who is supposed to care about you more than any other person, is unable to do anything for you, who is left? This year I will not even get that one card from my Mom since this will be my first birthday without her here. Your birthday comes and goes quietly and maybe one or two cards in the mail, but for the most part a pretty uneventful day. Don't get me wrong, I am not expecting party clowns, surprise parties, or even a thousand gifts. I would just like to know from the people that mean the most to me, that I mean the most to them.
Ideal gifts would be coming home from work to a clean house, dinner made and a nice dessert from the kids. A few phone calls or messages from the rest of the world letting me know that I have not been forgotten. I spend my life taking care of three wonderful kids, holding down a full time job and trying to keep my husband a part of our lives as best I can that I get lost in everything that I am doing for everyone else. I would like someone to take care of me and care about what I think just for a few minutes.
Not sure how things will play out this year, but I have already told my husband that he has a bunch of making up to do when he comes home. So I will just add this to his list.
But am I better in addition to being older? I would like to think so. I am much more patient with the kids (although they probably would not agree), I am much more tolerant of other people, I have learned to forgive, I have learned to go without, I have learned to appreciate the little things in life, I have learned to accept help when it is offered, and I have learned to ask for help when I need it (although it is still very hard to do). I find myself standing taller and laughing more. I approach life much differently than I did just a few years ago. I am confident that we will get through this and yet we will all be OK and be a family again when we get to the other side.
So am I better? Yes. I would have to admit that I am a better person because of everything we have gone through. Every bump, every road block has affected me in a positive way and made me grow as a person. Like a piece of coal under great stress and force, a diamond eventually emerges...so here's to hoping I do not crack under the pressure.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Burdens of Single Parenthood
Returned from our visit/vacation all in one piece. Spent about 8 hours with my husband over the course of two days and spent the rest of the time enjoying a mini vacation. After 6 days on the road with 3 kids all I have to say is " Why would anyone choose to be a single parent?" I was more stressed out on the ride home than I was on the way down. Don't misunderstand me, overall we had a really nice time and everyone had fun...but!
It is the natural being of teenagers to complain about everything, the color of the hotel, the kind of lawn mower they use, the traffic, the food, the rooms, the size of the hotel, too sunny, not enough sun, too hot, too cold and on and on. And yet after all the complaints I knew they were actually enjoying themselves and having fun. Why can't they tell me that they had fun, thank you Mom, the food was good and we enjoyed the beach.
My nerves were raw by the time we headed home because I kept trying to tell myself that this is how they are, they really can't help it. Unfortunately the top blew off the bottle in the car over the last hour drive. I needed to vent and that was the end of the vacation.
I missed my husband on vacation for a number of reasons but one of the main ones was to help absorb all the "teenager vibes" and direct them over two people instead of just one. Thinking of a sponge, two sponges will absorb the same amount of liquid as one but not get as wet and heavy. I needed someone to share the weight.
I missed having him there just to share time and in the decision making. You don't realize how many decisions you need to make while on vacation, like which hotel to stay at and where and what to eat for dinner. You pick the wrong dinner choice and then you get to listen to the complaining all during dinner. Don't ask the kids what they would like for dinner because they will just say "I don't know" or "I don't care" but pick the wrong one and you will here about it. Ugh!
Traveling with three kids as a single parent, I guess, is not any more fun than living with them everyday as a single parent. When people give up so easily on marriages and opt for the life of a single parent it still amazes me. I understand that for some people it is necessary, but I know some people personally who just quit when things got a bit too hard. In my opinion, being a single parent is so much harder than working on a marriage that I would take the marriage any day. Sure, there is some one to share the joys with but better yet, there is someone there to share all the burdens.
It is the natural being of teenagers to complain about everything, the color of the hotel, the kind of lawn mower they use, the traffic, the food, the rooms, the size of the hotel, too sunny, not enough sun, too hot, too cold and on and on. And yet after all the complaints I knew they were actually enjoying themselves and having fun. Why can't they tell me that they had fun, thank you Mom, the food was good and we enjoyed the beach.
My nerves were raw by the time we headed home because I kept trying to tell myself that this is how they are, they really can't help it. Unfortunately the top blew off the bottle in the car over the last hour drive. I needed to vent and that was the end of the vacation.
I missed my husband on vacation for a number of reasons but one of the main ones was to help absorb all the "teenager vibes" and direct them over two people instead of just one. Thinking of a sponge, two sponges will absorb the same amount of liquid as one but not get as wet and heavy. I needed someone to share the weight.
I missed having him there just to share time and in the decision making. You don't realize how many decisions you need to make while on vacation, like which hotel to stay at and where and what to eat for dinner. You pick the wrong dinner choice and then you get to listen to the complaining all during dinner. Don't ask the kids what they would like for dinner because they will just say "I don't know" or "I don't care" but pick the wrong one and you will here about it. Ugh!
Traveling with three kids as a single parent, I guess, is not any more fun than living with them everyday as a single parent. When people give up so easily on marriages and opt for the life of a single parent it still amazes me. I understand that for some people it is necessary, but I know some people personally who just quit when things got a bit too hard. In my opinion, being a single parent is so much harder than working on a marriage that I would take the marriage any day. Sure, there is some one to share the joys with but better yet, there is someone there to share all the burdens.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Every Family goes to Prison for Vacation
In two short days we are headed out of town for our family visit with my husband. It is almost a 10 hours drive and with three kids, not an easy trip. Especially when they know that they will be spending their vacation behind barbed wire.
Trying to make it as memorable and upbeat as possible, I am hoping we can split the trip up and have some adventures on the way down and on the way home. Don't get me wrong, we are all very excited to see my husband, since it has been over a year since we were able to see him last, but the environment and cicircumstances still make the visits very difficult. Not every kid wants to go back to school in the fall and have their "what I did over summer vacation" include getting up at sunrise to be first in line for prison time, passing through metal detectors, sitting in a visitors room with other prisoners and their families and having to leave Dad behind yet again.
I have not told the kids about all the little side trips that I have planned because I want them to be excited about going and let them decide the ultimate destinations. Some of the stops are free (yes I did manage to find a few free activities), I have downloaded coupons for others (obviously not free, but trying to save pennies everywhere I can) and printed out lists of other things we can do as a family on our way to and from prison.
The prison is not too far from the ocean so of course that is one of the big destinations. We go there after the prison visit. It helps curb the disappointment and sadness when we have to leave him behind yet again. Thanks to friends and family I have a few extra dollars for some mad money to spend and hopefully for us all to eat well, have fun and make memories. Memories that will include visiting prison for 2 days and spending some time with Dad, even if you have to sit there for 4-6 hours just talking, it is still better than nothing.
Does this bother the kids? Not sure. I think it bothers some more than others, heck I would be lying if I said it did not bother me but we all manage to get through it. Will these be fond memories of the their childhood? Believe it or not I certainly hope so. Months of planning has gone into this trip so as to make it as vacation like as possible so I hope that we can all come home and be glad that we went and carry those memories of the whole trip with us until we can get back there again.
I am looking forward to the day when we can ALL take that family vacation together and not have to plan it around a Federal Correctional Facility. It would be nice to go to the ocean because we want to play in the waves and not because it is close to where Dad is locked up. Only two more summer vacations without Dad and then we can spend them together again. That was supposed to make me feel better! I guess it does when you consider we have two down already.
Trying to make it as memorable and upbeat as possible, I am hoping we can split the trip up and have some adventures on the way down and on the way home. Don't get me wrong, we are all very excited to see my husband, since it has been over a year since we were able to see him last, but the environment and cicircumstances still make the visits very difficult. Not every kid wants to go back to school in the fall and have their "what I did over summer vacation" include getting up at sunrise to be first in line for prison time, passing through metal detectors, sitting in a visitors room with other prisoners and their families and having to leave Dad behind yet again.
I have not told the kids about all the little side trips that I have planned because I want them to be excited about going and let them decide the ultimate destinations. Some of the stops are free (yes I did manage to find a few free activities), I have downloaded coupons for others (obviously not free, but trying to save pennies everywhere I can) and printed out lists of other things we can do as a family on our way to and from prison.
The prison is not too far from the ocean so of course that is one of the big destinations. We go there after the prison visit. It helps curb the disappointment and sadness when we have to leave him behind yet again. Thanks to friends and family I have a few extra dollars for some mad money to spend and hopefully for us all to eat well, have fun and make memories. Memories that will include visiting prison for 2 days and spending some time with Dad, even if you have to sit there for 4-6 hours just talking, it is still better than nothing.
Does this bother the kids? Not sure. I think it bothers some more than others, heck I would be lying if I said it did not bother me but we all manage to get through it. Will these be fond memories of the their childhood? Believe it or not I certainly hope so. Months of planning has gone into this trip so as to make it as vacation like as possible so I hope that we can all come home and be glad that we went and carry those memories of the whole trip with us until we can get back there again.
I am looking forward to the day when we can ALL take that family vacation together and not have to plan it around a Federal Correctional Facility. It would be nice to go to the ocean because we want to play in the waves and not because it is close to where Dad is locked up. Only two more summer vacations without Dad and then we can spend them together again. That was supposed to make me feel better! I guess it does when you consider we have two down already.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Fighting the Storm Cloud
Even after 2 1/2 years since the police first knocked on my door at 6:20am and 1 1/2 years into my husbands incarceration you would think that I would have gotten over all the emotional issues by now. Well I am here to tell you that that is definitely not the case.
Granted, things are tremendously better. I have more good, dare I say great days, than bad days but those bad days still manage to sneak into my life. Why are there bad days? Heck, I wish I knew. I just wake up some mornings with this awful sense of dread hanging around. It feels like a dark rain cloud is following me around. For example, this morning I woke up, put on the work out clothes and headed down to the treadmill. Spent my 30 minutes listening to my upbeat exercise music and working out. Jumped in the shower and suddenly, I just feel awful. Why? Exercise is supposed to make you happier, it is supposed to increase endorphins...not for me this morning.
I finish getting ready for work and out the door I go. The whole drive to work all I can think about is how I do not want to go. The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day, the sun roof is open and yet I feel like Eeyore looking up at the storm cloud following me. I can not put a label on why I feel this way. Nothing new has happened, things have been relatively normal and nothing is upsetting the apple cart so why do I want bury my head in the pillow and hide? At times feeling like I am on the verge of tears, why? I have yet to figure this one out.
I feel bad about feeling bad because I tend to be shorter with the kids. My patience is gone and one comment that may have been glossed over some other time suddenly becomes a hot button. I almost want to wear a warning sign that tells them to proceed with caution when around me when I feel this way.
The funny thing is, it goes as quickly and as quietly as it comes. It may be gone by lunch, linger all day or simply hide beneath the surface until some small "thing" brings it back up. Is it the loneliness, anger, self-pity, sadness or simply just exhaustion? The possible list is endless and it could be any combination. How do you combat the unknown How do you fight it when it appears? I keep trying to look for the positive but I think it is my mind giving me a day off from trying so hard to be happy during a difficult situation. This experience did not came with a map or an owners manual and for someone who actually reads the instruction book, that seems to be a problem.
Granted, things are tremendously better. I have more good, dare I say great days, than bad days but those bad days still manage to sneak into my life. Why are there bad days? Heck, I wish I knew. I just wake up some mornings with this awful sense of dread hanging around. It feels like a dark rain cloud is following me around. For example, this morning I woke up, put on the work out clothes and headed down to the treadmill. Spent my 30 minutes listening to my upbeat exercise music and working out. Jumped in the shower and suddenly, I just feel awful. Why? Exercise is supposed to make you happier, it is supposed to increase endorphins...not for me this morning.
I finish getting ready for work and out the door I go. The whole drive to work all I can think about is how I do not want to go. The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day, the sun roof is open and yet I feel like Eeyore looking up at the storm cloud following me. I can not put a label on why I feel this way. Nothing new has happened, things have been relatively normal and nothing is upsetting the apple cart so why do I want bury my head in the pillow and hide? At times feeling like I am on the verge of tears, why? I have yet to figure this one out.
I feel bad about feeling bad because I tend to be shorter with the kids. My patience is gone and one comment that may have been glossed over some other time suddenly becomes a hot button. I almost want to wear a warning sign that tells them to proceed with caution when around me when I feel this way.
The funny thing is, it goes as quickly and as quietly as it comes. It may be gone by lunch, linger all day or simply hide beneath the surface until some small "thing" brings it back up. Is it the loneliness, anger, self-pity, sadness or simply just exhaustion? The possible list is endless and it could be any combination. How do you combat the unknown How do you fight it when it appears? I keep trying to look for the positive but I think it is my mind giving me a day off from trying so hard to be happy during a difficult situation. This experience did not came with a map or an owners manual and for someone who actually reads the instruction book, that seems to be a problem.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)